According to Examiner.com
According to the Examiner.com---since 01/09/11
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Newest Poetry
In this our time of battle cry
Our hearts having hardened
Eyes once open, but now are closed
We have mingled our blood
With that of our flowing tears
Creating this valley of pain and despair
There seems to be no room for pity
Screaming bombs surrounds us
Yet now in blessed safety we slumber
How can my brother you slumber yet
When disaster surrounds us
The sea at turmoil still
Growing ever more violently into the storm
Battlefields where scarcely anyone
Could save themselves
Out of our army of soldiers
The only survivor am I
Knowing no peace when I came home
We who went forth swords in our hands
Fell into the hands of our enemies
How do I begin to describe the fire of battle
Refusing to believe death would strike us
We were the young, the brave, the strong
Were we invincible, sadly no we weren't
Yet in my escape of bomb riddled land
I had come to hope justice for justice
That my strength would be delivered
My soul when I had one longed only for you
That my journey through the desert
Would lead straight to you, hesitating not
To cling in our embrace
To speak the horrors of this holocaust
My voice to speak of where my mind lingers
But never my heart for you alone possess it
The battle is far from over my lover
Can you still hear the screaming of bombs
How could I have ever slumbered
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Pride?
Now I don't really think that I am a big screaming queen, but honey I can be if I want to be, and well here lately I have not even been in the mood to deal with tension like there was today. Well kids I will admit I did something I never hardly ever do and that was to simply----stay quiet, I had hardly anything to say at all. Kids, that is NOT me in any way shape or form! It has made me uncomfortable since then. Why did I do that? It is her problem and not mine, right? Maybe I am making this into something it wasn't This shouldn't matter right?
Well for me Pride weekend has always been a marking that I am close to surviving another year with AIDS and the last few it has not even been that. It seems like I am just surviving and nothing more. Sad, huh sorta pathetic too now that I think about it? Somehow I feel like I have lost the guy I thought I was upbeat, fun, witty, charming, campy, bitchy at times, your best girlfriend a real raconteur if you will. Now I am the guy that clams up, the quiet little wall flower how did this happen?
Maybe I didn't have anything to say? Maybe I was unnerved? Maybe I realized I made her uncomfortable? Maybe I was the first gay she ever met? Who the hell really knows? Maybe my sense of not feeling real proud is I don't really feel like I have done all that much to be proud about here lately. Like I said it seems just like existing. I know there are things to feel proud about but it all seems so long ago. How do I change that? Do I write more about it? Am I not the only one going through this? I am sure this is why I checked into some short term therapy this week.
Is this emotional bareness going to get worse as I get closer to July 16th and my 20th anniversary of living with AIDS? Is it because the toll of AIDS is catching up emotionally? I am I making to much out of this 20th anniversary? Have I lost to much because of AIDS? How can I live a life so much more full to make up for all of the loss? Can I even do that? Do I expect to much? Are my goals to high? Why can't I seem to settle for what I have instead of trying to reachsomething that always seems out of reach? Pride weekend has never been like this and I for one just really need to feel proud again.
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