It is just another day

Well gang, it is just another day here and to tell you the truth I am begginning to feel that the blogging thing doesn't matter, that very few of you are reading what is being written, that in the grand scheme of things I may not even matter for that matter. Does my heart ache--yes, does my sould hurt--yes, does it feel like I can not get ahead or at least afloat--yes, does it seem like I can not serve G-d in the way that I should or have been called to do--Absolutely!!

Yes gang I am still on depression medication--but this is more than that. I just do not feel useful, I don't feel like G-d is even listening to my prayers. It is like he has turned a deaf ear to me somehow. It is like this higher purpose is beyond reacha nd always will be. That some how it is my fault for not being righteous or holy enough, yes even good enough to serve, let alone get what I want and need aout of this.

First it was this class being called off, then its volunteering for things or positions and not being needed or asked to serve or yes even overlooked. It is how I feel, it may not be the way it is but if there is one thing I have learned in mym time it is to speak in "I" statements. So here go some of my "I" statements...................

1. I feel that G-d has led me down this very special path to somehow serve Him and that by serving him my life will be filled with joy and peace.


2. I feel that part of this path is in reaching out to those in need in some kind of stewardship maybe even becoming a chaplain, but that for some reason things have not worked out that way as of yet and that i nthe process I feel used!


3. I feel that my talents to a large degree are being wasted and that there is something larger in store for me as well in this area and for what ever reasons that has not worked out either and in the process I feel rejected!


4. I feel to some degree that a part of this is my fault because of my own mismanagement and that if I could buckle down and apply myself I could get it all done. I also feel no else is going to make this happen but for me!


5. I feel I need to confront some issues and people in and around mylife. BUt I also feel I do not know how without hurting them, harming our friendships or causing a rift between us. But I also feel to a large degree it can be ignored no longer.

Well I guess till next time--and till I can get it all sorted out--I cherish those friendships and relationships that I have and that are in "the inner circle" of my life, I am thankful for those that take the time and read my blog and watch the "Youtube" posts as well as many times it is a real non-verbal look into my head and my life--

Charlie