Fragile Nature of Life

Well gang I want to "vent" some of my feelings ona heavy topic today--that of death. My cat of the last 9 years at least died this early afternoon. He was a kitten that was found in the streets of Iraq during "Desert Storm" by Ron's daughter (for those who don't know my pervious who died of AIDS now 5 years ago). I got J.C. short for Jean Claude--yes Van Damme she is a huge fan--when she meet her future husabnd and father of her children as he was allergic to J.C. as well as both boys.

As far as cats go he had a very spoiled, wonderful life and in all actuality almost died right after Ron did as he was so sorrowful without his "Daddy". He did perk up and did recover and I became his "Daddy" in stead of his "Mommy" .

He has been really sick the last 4-5 days and I knew his time with me and Jim was limited but as with human life one never knows exactly when someone is going to die. J.C., I am happy to say died peacefully in the dog's bed and just died sleeping.

The part that had me upset (for lack of better words) is that I was not there when he exactly died. It dug up some very old and painful memories of my losing Ron. As many of you know Ron truly suffered for 11 days before dying and when he finally did die it was the one time I didn't sleep at his side in a chair.

I have never been able to forgive myself for that, probably may not be able to either--I am stil not sure. It makes me scared though that when it comes time for me to die that "that someone in my life" will have just stepped out of the room for that moment and I will die.

I do know after thinking about it most of the day today that G-d already knows the answer to this, that to some extent it is already planned and just waiting to happen. I also know that all I can do is fill my life with people who really care for me and when the time comes for me to die that who ever needs to there will be and those who don't won't. Life is short as it is and I for one want to make it matter.