Summer Break--- A simpler time

You know that last week of school, when we were children and we literally counted down the minutes till summer break? Remember how the time seemed to drag on and we thought the last day would never come, ever? Than it was those hot hazy days of picnics, going to the beach, amusement parks, getting a tan, the county fair and it was all sadly over. The days of summer break had somehow flown by with out our knowing it.

Well today July 16, 2008 is a mix of both of those days. I woke up this morning, that yes indeed, I had made the hurdle and at 7:45 a.m. I have officially 17 years living with AIDS. The time has flown by like those childhood summer breaks we used to have, except there has been just brief moments---- of the beach, the circus-- those moments of sheer happiness are what makes that time stand out clear as they were yesterday. Those are the moments I cherish with my every being, that I cling to like a child does to his teddy bear, maybe that's why I collect them.



Then there are also those moments of anger, sorrow, despair, unbelievable pain and sadness. The kind that comes lurking int he middle of the night like the "boogie man" that lived our under beds and we knew was going to cause us nightmares unless our parents chased him away. The problem is the "boogie man" under the bed is a real thing, something that in moments of fear has made our nightmares true.

Somehow, somewhere G-d in his/her wisdom knew for some reason I was built to survive this for the long haul, while literally everyone I knew ---that was in my small world of gay friends-- was dying or already dead. Literally pages of names, dates and obituary notices. But yet somehow I have had the strength and courage to continue on, in a holocaust of the heart and soul.



Places that have become etched in my mind like eternal memorials if you will, as real as the Vietnam War Memorial or even Lincoln's Memorial. A building or store front on the street that reminds me of a person who has been gone for years. The wonderful silly time we had, those heart rendering moments of truth and in some instances facing the horrific--their demise. In many instances I can still see their faces and her their voices in the dark recesses of the night.

The problem though with this picture is the other half of this picture when the "summer break" is over and we all go back to school. In other words when we see in the headlines "A Cure Found: Millions Rejoice" and we have the life we had before we ever heard the words HIV/AIDS.

I am not saying I want a time when we were foolish and did what ever we want, with whom ever we want, where ever we want. I am talking about a time that we felt more secure, more safe, more trusting in a future we knew would be there for us. A time we could retire and enjoy "the good life" whatever that meant to each of us.



When our friends would gather around and say "You remember when....." and the room would fill with roars of laughter at our silliness and childish behaviour. When we no longer had to attend a funeral for man in his thirties who was ripped to shreds by a disease that we could not cure or even at the time manage while his family was ripped apart at the seams half loving him, half hating him because of his life style.

It has been on my mind so much lately, the sheer magnitude of what this disease has caused in the lives of the people it reaches into. The sheer force of what this disease is, it no regards of race, religion, color, creed, wealth or religion, it just marches on and takes its course in many different ways in many different people. Some of which are in my shoes, some of which the story is even much worse--that is who my heart goes out to the most.