Thoughts for the day

I am going to go right out and say what is on my mind here.........


I have terribly depressed since the hospital and have not been able to shake it, the deal is I feel like and this is brutal---that I don't matter, plain and simple.  A few Facebook notes before, during and after my hospital stay, 3 cards, 3 phone calls, 3 visits outside of my boyfriend and that my friends is about it.  No wonder I feel the way I do?!  16,000 people who read this blog this month so far alone and not one word from anyone and over 30,000 last month!  Do I matter?

Twenty years with AIDS and since the hospital the feeling is---- if I threw a party for myself to celebrate all this time with a fatal disease and even more to come ----that I made it when all my poz friends are dead---- that no one would come?! I felt the same way in the hospital g-d forbid I died---no one would come?!  It's a horrible feeling to say the very least.

I know that this is more than likely very melodramatic but honestly I have not  been able to shake it!!! Does what I say, do and post here matter to anyone?  Is anybody really listening to anything I am saying?  Does anybody care in the least?  Or am I just casting my bread on the sea for nothing?!

I know we all have our own private lives, our own functions, jobs, education and what not that keep us bombarded and up to our nipples in crap we have to do or think we do but -----really?  Last night at the Cleveland Playhouse a woman sat next to me and texted 3/4ths of the performance.  Is she that or anyone else that stinking important?  Or is it all this surface bullshit to feel connected, in tune and "friendly" with all of these nothing surface friendships we have?  Where are the people on this planet who want more out of life than a fucking text message?!  The people who love to meet over coffee and catch up, the ones who go to dinner and just gossip?  The people in your life who don;t forget your birthday?  Ask you how that test went?  How was the school semester?  G-d knows I try to be that person to my friends
Maybe its because I have never felt lonelier in my life, maybe I shouldn't post this?  Maybe I am not alone?!  I just keep hearing Oprah Winfrey saying "What everybody wants is.....Have you really heard what I said and did it really matter?   At this point I honestly don't know..................