You know, I know it has been nearly a week since posting but school has been extremely busy and hard and to be honest I have beena very serious emotional funk thaat seems to have gone on for months now. It is hard to describe because outside of the Algebra class I am in I have been doing really well. Over all I have like a 3.54 and in just my "Major topics" I am pulling.... are you ready..... a 3.9 It just doesn't seem enough. Life has been get out of bed, stretch my aching legs and arms, figure out what the hell to wear in nearly one hundred degree weather and somehow struggle forward. It's been hard, I am losing hope, faith and well I am going to be honest a overall "happy feeling".
If anything I feel VERY alone, very tired, emotionally over being stuck in a system where I constanly am fucked over without being asked (govermentally speaking, SSI/SSD/Medicaid/Medicare/food stamps) and feeling like no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, no matter what my grades are I MAY never change. I want friends I can hang out with, share my life with, laugh with. I want some amount of success, I want to be E.F. Hutton when I speak people do listen---really listen.
I don't want to struggle any more, I don't want to fight my way to get what little I have, beg to get it and then regret having it because I had to give so much of myself to have it. If g-d gave me all of this talents I have and kids there are a lot of them---why hasn't any of it paid off?
Why are some people handed the golden spoon everytime you turn arund and the rest of us well we are just shoved into the mud?! What does a guy have to do to get noticed, to get ahead, to be discovered? Sell his soul? I'm near that point!
Why does everything seem so surface and nothing deeper, more meaningful, more lasting? Do I expect to much? Am I too needy? Am I just whining?
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