How do I shine

I wanted to share this morning some thoughts from a Yahoo group I belong to that discusses and teaches the mysteries of Kabbalah. The name of the group for those interested is Kabbalah Concepts and is lead by Rabbi Benyomin Walters. I have been trying to attempt to study Kabbalah now for the last year and trying to fill some of those "heartfelt empty places" and am hoping and prying Kabbalah is the answer or key to this.



On a lighter note, I did go to the gallery interview yesterday with my paintings it went alright, not quiet what I expected but not horrible either. She said that my paintings were very well done, beautifully drawn, well executed and if I had mentioned I had only been painting teo years she woould have never known. However, there was really one painting out of all of them that she would be interested in having in the October show. It is a $35 fee to enter the show and if the piece sells its a 60%-40% split. 60% for me and 40% for them. She also mentioned she would love to see me work a specific theme, idea, or emotion a few times say 4-5 paintings as the arena or style I am painting now is VERY broad based and she feels as if I am trying to find my voice, which is exactly right. Not exactly sure yet what I am going to do in regards to the October show and she did mention she would be interested in seeing new paintings as they are done.

Okay. I want to uncover the essence and make it shine. Now what? Well your question is the answer. There are two steps to shining: Finding the essence, and making it shine. It’s that easy.

Let’s see how this works with a simple example. What would you rather wear, a sack or a custom-made suit? Sure you could wear a sack, but who would want to? In a sack, you are trapped, you can’t move freely. A good suit is the opposite: it conforms to your body’s shape. It moves with you, so you are free to move as you wish. Your body is free to shine in your suit.
Recognizing that you would prefer a custom-made suit to a sack means you recognized what your body is really like, and then made sure that the clothes around you fit that shape. In other words, you looked inside to find your essence, and then figured out how to bring it out in your clothes.

That was simple enough, but this is only the beginning. A custom-made suit only allows your movement to shine freely, but what about your personality and taste? What about your emotions and intellect? What about your goals and dreams? These things are all "clothes" that you "wear" throughout your life. Just like clothes, you've chosen these as your way of expressing yourself in the world.

But these "clothes" might not always be the right fit for you, and that's where people run into trouble. Sometimes we think and act in ways that don't really represent our true selves, our essence.

Hasidic philosophy shows you how to find the essence in every aspect of life, and how to make sure that everything around you fits. The better the fit, the more you will shine.
Throughout your journey on this site, watch for these two steps:

1. Finding the essence and

2. Making everything fit the essence

The first step leaves the limitations of the world behind as we peel away all the layers that cover the essence. Once this essence is exposed, we then return to the world, but this time making sure that everything fits. And once everything is in line with the essence, it can shine through everything.

By Rabbi Benyomin Walters

Summer: Not Just Another Season

A Teaching from Gershon...

When you leave, say hello. Sort of like summer. Summer is a season when all that surrounds you says "Hello," even though it is all in the process of leaving. Summer's drama of foliage, its pompous exhibition of fruition, color, aroma; the hustle and bustle of creatures from colorful birds to annoying insects — all represent the pinnacle of aliveness, the optimal blossoming of potential and possibility. It gives you the sense that you've arrived; you're here. Hee'nay'nee! "I am here!" In fullness, in realization. Summer is climactic in that sense. Most weddings happen during this season; lovers feel it's the "right time," or more appropriately: the "ripe" time.

Everything says "Hello" now, in summer. As it leaves. Exactly. For the very act of ripening, my friends, is simultaneously also the very act of leaving, of dissipating, of dying. Summer teaches us that the ultimate sense of aliveness is the genesis of death. The Torah never brings us farther than "almost" getting to the Holy Land. Even Creation happens with a huge burst of "almost" — as the fledgling universe churns and turns in a sea of primeval chaos, emptiness, and darkness. The evolution of the earth and all of its creatures then reaches a climactic ripening that ends life in Paradise. The evolution then starts anew and eventually reaches yet another crescendo, this time the end of life on earth with the Great Flood. Over and over again: creation and destruction, creation and destruction. The polar seasons of summer and winter is about this dynamic: genesis and nemesis, respectively. The dynamic of forces that bring about creation and forces that bring about destruction; both opposites, yet each essential for the other.

In the ancient Kabbalah (as opposed to the more popularly-taught kabbalah of our day), Creation is described as having been forged along a spiraling "breath" emanating from the Mystery of all Mysteries, the unknowable Source of all Sources, the undefinable Root of all Roots. The spiraling emanations of existence from Nothing to Something — known as Sefiro't — are poetically dramatized as follows:

"Unfathomable Depth of First Gift and
Unfathomable Depth of Afterwards;
Unfathomable Depth of Good and
Unfathomable Depth of Evil;
Unfathomable Depth of Above and
Unfathomable Depth of Beneath;
Unfathomable Depth of Place of Shining [East]
and Unfathomable Depth of Place of Blending [West];
Unfathomable Depth of Place of Concealment [North] and
Unfathomable Depth of Place of Rising"
(Sefer Yetzirah, Chapter One, Mishnah 5).

Unfathomable. Who can indeed fathom the mystery of what is above and what is below and what comes at us from the four winds, or directions. Every moment is its very own unique cauldron of genesis for us. Every moment. And all poles of opposites share the same existential arena although they in themselves do not appear similar. But it is all in appearances. The ripening fruit does not in its glorious moment of colorful and juicy fruition appear to be anywhere near the arena of death. First Gift and Aftermath are dance partners even though the nature of their appearances and their dynamics are as different as light and darkness. Yet, light and darkness, as different as they are, also make up one complete day. And without light, we would not know darkness, nor would we know darkness without light. Without good we would not know evil, and without evil we would not know good. Without sorrow we would not know joy; without joy we would not know sorrow. Everything is crucial to its opposite; everything and its opposite are one. Not the same, just one.

Winter is the time of death; genesis moves to nemesis across the process of decomposition we like to call "Autumn," or in ancient Hebrew "Ho'tza'at Ha'sha'nah" — literally: "Exiting the transformation [or the year]." Summer, on the other hand, is
Winter's opposite, meaning also it is Winter's dance partner. Summer is here. Are we? The 12th-century Rabbi Avraham ibn Daud reminds us that with the changes in the arrangement of the stars come changes in the nature of our planet, Earth. And with changes in the nature of our planet come changes in the seasons of Nature and with the changes in the seasons of Nature come changes and shifts in the souls of all beings, stones, plants, animals, and — yes, us unsuspecting humans.

The ancient rabbis tell us how God created universes and destroyed them, created and destroyed them, until this present one came into being. I always wondered about the meaning of this teaching. The lesson of summer and what is happening inside of us at this time is one clue. One solitary clue of this deep mystery wisdom. It's not so much that many universes were made and then ditched until this one came out more viable. It's more about the inherent nature of this world, of each our personal lives as well. We are constantly journeying across the path of the cherubim with their whirling swords of fire, creating alternating moments of darkness and light, darkness and light, darkness and light; or genesis and nemesis, genesis and nemesis, genesis and nemesis. Summer and Winter, Summer and Winter, Summer and Winter. The moment we are born, we are then also well on our way into dying. This is our existence. It is magical; it is shouting at us, beckoning us to take a moment out of our increasingly busy lives to hear it, see it, smell it, feel it — know it.

The ancient Kabbalists explained it well: God created and destroyed many universes over and over again until this one came
into being. Why? Not because it kept not coming out right. But because God is God and, not being bound by time, is simultaneously aware of future, present, and past. So God saw, knew ahead of time, with the creation of each world, that it would come to no good in the end. People would make some really lousy choices and wreak havoc and destruction, so God destroyed those worlds before they could reach that point in their potential histories.

Until this world was made. God looked into its future, again by default, and discovered hope. We would mess things up as usual, but not all the way. Enough of us would struggle hard to preserve and foster the sanctity and magic of this world, of this life. "And God saw that it was Good..." "And Noah found favor in the eyes of God" etc., etc.

Summer is a powerful time. It is a dramatic reminder to us of our incredible potential in this lifetime, on this earth, in this universe, to really make it happen, to really make it work. This time around it's for keeps.

Have an enjoyable, meaningful, ever-deepening summer. May your lives ripen to crescendos that will catapult you across the chasms of uncertainty to a totally-renewed sense of clarity and beauty by the advent of the next Spring season

Just some daily notes

Well yesterday was some cooler than it has been. The last few days it was in the 90s and for here in N.E. Ohio it means high humidity which at times can be unbearable. Its the type of weather you swear your clothes are sticking to you.

Jim went and had another cat scan for that enlarged aerotia section and he sees a doctor next week to see if or when surgery will happen. Speaking of Jim he starts on the day shift next month as well instead of afternoons and what is called a 6 day pay period versus his 8 day pay period. It will be an adjustment I am sure, but hopefully everything will go well.

Me, I went and saw my general practitioner on Monday for a 6-8 week check-up and walked out with an additional medication for depression. Its called Depakote ER and its in addition to the Wellbutrin XL I am on. It is just the overwhelming feeling of I don't care anymore, that has been so hard to shake. And this overwhelming feeling of I have no control over anything, this overwhelming feeling of not being needed and if I am for all the wrong reasons, if that makes any sense at all. I haven't been able to shake it and may have to consider counseling/psychiatry help at some point to help deal with all of it.

I think part of it maybe I just feel so shut out of everything the last few months, and I feel to a large degree life is passing me by and at this stage in my life I really can not afford to have that happen. 16 years living with AIDS and I know I could realistically have many more, but do I take that gamble. What is it I really want, what is it I really need and then how do I get it?

My brother and I have finally begun speaking again after our disagreement we had a little over a month ago, and even though it is strained at times I do enjoy that connection with him I had. I don't want to get into what the disagreement was but it was one of those things at the time was major. I guess I just need to let him know I am here for him when he needs me and if he needs to talk I will honestly listen with my heart and try to give my insight from where I have been, and if I can spare him some of the pain, grief, growing pains then I have done my part.



I just heard this song a few weeks back when it was on the Tony's and I tend to think it sums up a lot oof what I am thinking I need to be able to say for my self, about myself and to myself.

Judy, Pride and a nap

Well I guess I didn't use all of the cool "Youtube" videos there were out there in regards to gay pride but I did want to kind of keep that frame of thinking going since the anniversary of Stonewall is actually this week. The video below addresses some of the real issues we deal with within the gay lesbian transgendered community--some of us very personally and some of us may even now someone who has dealt with these issues----are we really that different?

For me Gay Pride and Stonewall has always played a big part of my life, ever since coming out. For me it is the key to most of the freedoms I enjoy today, for me it is part of the key that helped advance AIDS research, funding and acceptance of us as a whole. Ellen, Rosie, Martina, "Will and Grace", Representative Barney Frank and the thousands of others that are in the positions they are in because of the brave and vocal folks involved with Gay Pride, ACT UP and Queer Nation. Not counting NOW, The ACLU and even the NAACP which have helped advance our thinking into what it is today.



Today was one of those days I guess where the fatigue really got to me and I ended up napping for 3 hours in the middle of the afternoon. There are some days like that now versus what it was like last year this time. There was the mononucleosis first, the fight with pneumonia the end of 2005, the resurface and battle with Hepatitis C again and then there was the weight loss last year, that made everything so much more problematic.

This year has had it moments, don't get me wrong--the skin rashes, the walking pneumonia, the neuropathy/RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) and the fatigue have been the biggest hurdles but at least so far the medications are working and the weight --as much as I want anyway has come back--now its trying not to overdo it. I have to try to keep my boyish figure.

The weather here yesterday was scorching--or at least for this area this early-- a whopping 90 degrees but its the Ohio humidity that puts the whole thing over the top. Today was a little cooler and thankfully some rain, which for this part of Ohio we needed desperately. I did manage to get some work customers done today, not what I would have liked to have gotten done, but when the fatigue calls you grab your teddy and nap for as long as you need to.

The other thing I want to touch on is the anniversary of the death of one of the greatest stars and singers that has ever lived in my opinion--the timeless JUDY GARLAND. Gay Icon, tragic figure for some, died too soon, worked into drug and alcohol dependency but still an incomprehensible talent. June 22, 1969, some of have gone as far as saying that it was the death of Judy that prompted the riots in Stonewall, I don't know if I would go that far--but I do think the times what they were with Racial Segregation, The Civil Rights March, the hippie movement, the war in Vietnam--that as a whole it was a time of great turmoil and great sadness in some regards.

I was a mere 3 years old when Judy died, the age she was when her foot first hit the vaudeville stage but believe it or not she stilled played a huge role in my life like so many gay men my age and older. Like so many "The Wizard of Oz" remains my all time favorite movie of all time and even all these years later--66 to be exact since the release in theaters.

Happy Pride day Ya'all

I wanted to take the time and wish and wish all of you a very Happy Gay Pride Weekend, especially those of you in the Clevelan area. The march was today as was the festival.

Jim and I decided to go today, the first time we have been able to go as a couple and Jim's very first Gay Pride parade. We ran into some old friends of mine there, which is always nice especially when those friends are long term survivors of AIDS and they are still alive. The one with 22 years of living with AIDS this summer, gives me and I am sure others living with this disease great hope.

Well we arrived in Cleveland, decided to march in the parade and actually ending walking with the United Church of Christ contingency, 5 churches overall and probably around 300 people in all. Well we were asked --to lead the whole contingency with the "G-d is still speaking" slogan they use. Like I said Jim's first parade ever and he is carrying a banner--he made me so proud. So many groups and so diverse--gay roller derby girls on roller skates none the less, a gay scooter club, a gay high school student support group near where I grew up, of course your leatherman and drag queens, a gay square dancing club, a gay marching band--you get the idea.

The weather for Cleveland today was absoultely goreous, nice and sunny a little warm around the collar but at least it wasn't raining. So we got a little to much sun, so every bone in my legs hurt I had such a nice time and hopefully in the process made some kind of difference. Tommorrow at church actually we are going to approach the pastor about our church marching in next years parade, considering we have 5 openly gay couples in ouor church including our pastor and his husband/partner.

I also got a business card from the pastor that asked us to lead the cintigency for UCC to think about becoming involved with UCC at a national level, which I am gving serious thought too.

Another day

Well its a new day, another opportunity to face what ever comes your way head on. I want to take the time and say here that if I sounded really down yesterday it is because I was, "it" had really gotten to me and more than likely Jim is right I should not even give it a fraction of my attention. At times though as many of you know that is harder said than done.

It just seems for me that my overall thinking" has not been what it usually his since that Memorial Service and I do not doubt if it is because I am thinking of my own mortality and what I have and have not accomplished in the almost 41 years G-d has given me. Has it made a difference, has it mattered. I feel also it is not so much where I have been but where am I going, and what am I going to do with what ever G-d gives me that is left. More than likely that maybe the big key to this whole thing. That higher purose, the divine plan, the meaning behind it all.

I know that for many of us our desires change, our focus change, our own "divine plan" changes as well but it seems like the whole thing only comes around when you are questioning everything else. More than likely Jim is also right that "I wear my emotions on my sleeve" and that "I take things to seriously" but at times it is really hard to keep things at arms length.

It isn't easy to pick your self up, dust yourself off and move on, for some it is even impossible but thank G-d I have the ability to not remain trapped in a circle of pain.

So in the spirit of the entire month and for us in NE Ohio this week primarliy I wanted to share another clip in the frame of Pride month, a little edgy, but it also sums up all of my emotions the last couple of days and says what we all need to hear "You Are Beautiful"

Do I even matter..........................

I know this maybe hard to hear for some of my readers, but i am emotionally at my lowest right now and have been since that memorial service. Its a long complicated story but in the process I feel like an outsider and I feel like I am not even needed for the most part.

1#.It starts with our local library, back in November of last year when we thought our levy didn't pass I made a comment about "the Friends of the Library was going to be extra busy", long story short they didn't have one. I said they needed one and we formed this committee to get one started.

We been meeting for months, I got the $500 donated for the 501c3 non-profit status and did what I thought was my utmost best to serve in a meaningful manner. Now in March I had pneumonia as many of you know and minor outpatient surgery for non-cancerous lesions i had to have removed. So it was literally a month of being sick and a month of recovery and my missing 2 months worth of meetings, which I told them I would be missing because of those reasons.

Well no note, no minutes mailed, no how are you, no go screw yourself--NOTHING! In the mean time an idea I had for their garden dedication is being used, all the posters drawn up, fliers distributed and again no word to me about any of it not even they date. So I left a note for a "friend" of mine who also happens to be the director of the library that I wanted to see her and now 3 days later--nothing.

I went their today to see if she would see me and was told she tied up all day, would e-mail me more than likely this week and then see me at the part near the end of the month! Now I find all of this a little hard to swallow. I feel very used and very unwanted to say the least.

2#. Our church a few months back sent me to classes to start the process of becoming a chaplain, which I completed and then our church formed a care and comfort team. It was designed to help our pastor with the burden of visiting the sick, shut-in and those in the hospital who are or were members of our church. I was also asked to write prayers for the church newsletter monthly which I did I believe 3 times. Well since this group was formed I have been asked to visit one person, I have missed 2 or 3 times of writing the prayer for the bulletin. Part of it was my schedule I will be honest and part of it was again my being sick. I have been asked by members of the church if I am feeling better but nothing about the prayer, when will they start again, that people miss them or anything. Again I feel like its a big fat NOTHING. Again I feel like I am in a committee that isn't doing anything, that I am not wanted or needed for that matter and that for 3-4 a hours a week for 11 weeks, which was the length of the class) was a waste of both my time and the church's money.

3#. I have been taking art classes for almost 2 years now, the kind that are paid for and in the last few months I feel like we are not encouraged to have a piece that is finished. I feel like the teacher is never satisfied with the pieces we are doing even if she calls them finished--which she just did with a piece of mine that I finished last month that I worked on for 8 months. I wen tin yesterday to bring it home and hang it. Today I was told it wasn't finished, that I had all these changes to make to it and in no so many words--who was I to take it home? This has happened the last 3 pieces I have done down there and here at home as well. The stuff is just raked over the coals I end up screwing with it for weeks and i fell like what i have to say, what I think and my opinion matters for NOTHING!!! Now I have shared my pieces in this format and I believe they are pretty damn good. I actually meet with a curator at a gallery to sell my stuff the end of the month and is is no worse than anything else that is out there, and in some cases BETTER.

Now I know I can be some what emotional, I know I at times tend to over react to some things but this is enough. I just feel like an outsider in my own life for some reason. I feel as if I do not matter at all, what I think doesn't matter, what I have to say doesn't matter , and that as a whole I do not belong.

I AM as you are......

I was reading the obituaries this morning over breakfast and ran across this beautiful poem that I really wanted to share. The gentleman that wrote it David Schneck, according to the paper ( from his obituary in the Akron Beacon Journal) "Always felt that nature was his greatest teacher and found tremedous strength and peace in it's presence. Most of all he spent his journey in search of peace and his dream was to see all beings as one. David believed that true peace and harmony are found in G-d and that true freedom starts with realizing we are all one".

I AM as you are

YOU are as I AM

I AM the beginning

The middle, the end

Anything thought

Can, comprehend

Father, Mother

Daughter, Son

Bees, flower or tree

All are me

Every emotion,

Feeling, thought

There isn't anything

I AM not

You have done your best

To seperate me from you

Yet I tell you this, we are

One never TWO

Life and breath

The light and the way

Your eyes will

Open one day

The choice is yours

Free will I have given

For free will, I AM

The truth is simple

I AM as you are

You are as I AM

by David Schneck

A few scattered thoughts

My day has been one of those where my thoughts are quite scattered and I guess I wanted to share some of them.

1#. Have you ever noticed that when emotionally at the lowest that is when the window of temptation is thrown wide open and your morals are put at a trial.

2#. Have you ever noticed that at times silence is the only thing that needs to said, sometimes silence is golden.

3#. Have you ever noticed that when your thoughts are scattered you can not seem to get anything worth while done? Maybe it is because you can't focus?! Maybe because your attention span is squat?!

I guess for know that is about all of my thoughts, except for one. I want to include in this post a "Youtube" clip Harvery Feirstien did on "If you had the ear of the President". It was from the "In the Life Series" and I guess I wanted to share his thoughts, since this is Gay Pride week, I wanted to share his thoughts before the nonsense and television ads of the primaries started, I wanted us to take the time and stop and think before all the rhetoric started. So here you go.......

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And of course something else for those who enjoy the music posts in my blog--the kind of stuff that could be perceived as naughty... but then again let your mind wander and let the pulse take over---Sometimes music can be the only true escape....

Strawberry Fields Forever--Oh my aching back

Ok, I know the title is a little odd but, oh how very ture. The nursing home where Jim works, there was a gentleman a few years back that planted a few strawberry plants, the plants of course grew, the gentleman died last year and now the area were those strawberries are planted is going to be under construction for an expansion of the home. The nursing home has decided to rip said plants up and throw them all away. Jim and I being the ever frugal queens we are decided to dig up oh--100 plants and plant them in the back yard.

Well the area had to be dug up, by hand as no one in the neighbor hood had a rotar tiller, said plants had to be dug up and then replanted--OY VEY, my aching back 5 HOURS later every bone and muscle in my body throbs, but all the plants are planted and all the berries picked about 3 quarts believe it or not--and all for free--plants and berries!

If we are lucky we will get that thunderstorm tonight they are talking about and said plants will survive and multiply--until my aching back recovers---STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOREVER---DUDE!

Been a while, huh

Well gang, I know it has been awhile since a post but have been very busy with doll repairs, the small vegetable garden we have, housework, and enjoying some beautiful Ohio weather. We have to enjoy it while we have it and before snow flies--UUGGHH!!

With that thought in mind I decided this year I was not going to miss my summer being "locked up" indoors all season and have been spending more and more of it out doors. Even the dark, overcast days. For some reason I don't want to miss any of it.

Well this last Sunday was that memorial service for my friend Floyd, I ran into some old friends and had a decent time, but part of me wishes it was outside of the bar, and part of me wishes it had not been "more of a show", with drag queens and all. But when a drag queen I guess that is how some want it done. It left me feeling very blue for many reasons and maybe in another post I will get into what it was all about.

The other thing I want to touch on today and over the next couple of days is Gay Pride. Which if you didn't know is this month. It commemorates the dates and era of the Stonewall Riots, when we as gay and lesbians first fought back in a major way. It is marked by festivals, parades and lots of events. For me Gay Pride has literally come to represent that I am still alive.

My first Gay Pride Parade was 16 years ago in Cleveland, I was out long before that to myself and a very small group of friends but no one else. When I did "fully come out" I decided to do the parade. That following July after being sick for a month and losing 55 pounds--from at the time 175 to 120 and fainting at work and school 3 times, I went to the doctor. He asked had I eve been exposed to anyone with AIDS and I had to answer yes as I had lost both a boyfriend and a lover to AIDS. Well he ran the test and long story short I was diagnosed HIV+ July 16, 1991 and with full blown AIDS the following year.

So every year since then I have tried to attend Gay Pride and mark my anniversary of having AIDS and still being alive by celebrating who I am. I know it it isn't for everyone, and I know it can be a spectacle but has been a very big part of my life.

I want to close with some very wonderful thoughts from Harvey Fierstein on Gay Pride Day, this was from the television show "In the Life". Some very interesting thoughts and some of my own thoughts said very well. For those out of the loop Harvey was in "Hairspray" on Broadway as Edna Turnblad, in "Torch Song Trilogy", "Mrs. Doubtfire" and endless other movies. And for my dear friend Lisa Varuolo following the "Harvey Youtube post, the next one is just for you and I--hope it makes you smile