The end of September

Well September has come and gone and summer is over and Fall is just beginning and the area trees are beginning to change, in many ways I so do enjoy this time of yesr if it were not for the fact that snow would be flying in a little over a month, and in some cases Halloween night--there are many childhood memories trick or treating in snow boots and a winter coat before going off to our church "Harvest party" G-d forbid Southern Baptist celebrate anything related to witches and Satan . Looking back on it we all were all so naive. Raised in a cult--is whta is was and in many ways very painful, even to this day.

Well tommorrow is also Jim's birthday so I have to go out and guy a cake and card and pick up his birthday present, which is somewhat of a surprise. He has tommorrow off so it should be a very nice time and day.

Started work on the doll for Akron's Children Hospital Charity Christmas Tree event I am going to call it "Dreams of Oz', an Aston Drake doll redone to look like a sleeping baby dorothy with stuffed lion and then a quilt with Oz stuff on it-- Iam hoping for at the very least copies of original illustrations from L. Frank Baums books on material and then sewn into green blocks will post pictures now that I have a new digital camera. Actually started work on the stuffed lion.

It seems as here lately I can not get enough of Oz, watching the movie almost every other day, reading the books as I win them off E-bay and learning as much as I can about the people behind it. Tonight is was reading up on the munchkins and thinking about an idea of a "Hall of Fame" possible book with bios and information I can glean on all or most of the munchkins.. Tonight it was learning about the "Doll family" who worked with P.T. Barnum.

Have won a fair share of the books and will have to scan some of the illustrations to put in this blog and have loved reading everything so far and to think L. Frank Baum was even bigger than J.K. Rowling in his day and 108 years later still being read. Also have won some original Munchkin autographs as well, it seems to have replaced dolls for the time being.

I think I really know why the obession---I have been looking for that place beyond the rain, beyond the stars---Somewhere Over the Rainbow my entire life. My life hs been like "Was" by Geoff Ryman--especially the character Jonathon who in the book is living with AIDS and goes looking for Oz and ends up dying in my opinion on the Yellow Brick Road. I wept when I read that book and actually need to buy it as when I read it I borrowed it from the library.

For me it was the character of the "insane" Dorothy and Jonathon that touched me most, as I have been both places in my life. In Betty Ford years ago drying out,and then shortly after having my mental break down where I should have been hospitalized and spent 6 years in therapy.

In my case though I think I am alone in to my Journey to Oz, and if I am lucky like Jonathon in my time I will die on the Yellow Brick Road. I have been in a very odd place the last few days---dark, lonely and in need of a very close friend I can be honest with and feel no regrets, no shame, no guilt and no fear. Will I get it I don't think I can--there are parts of me I right now do not want to walk into like a room never visited. Can I be that open, that honest, that frank and not scare or terrify those closet to me? I don't know. In some cases I may have already hurt them enough--and that topic I am leaving well alone.

I think for me the part that has been the hardest is trying to get the courage to "kill my own personal Wicked Witch" or in other words my own demons/dementers. For me they have been very real as if standing in the very room with me, voices and sounds from a very real hell, a thought that this last week has had me terrified beyond words--that in the end "that goes around comes around" as Pastor Dan mentioned into today sermon--and for me it would seem that is hell--my own worst torment and suffering.

Our choir director has asked me to try to make our rehearsals but how does one go about saying--I can't feel a song in my heart anymore--G-d has abandoned me---how can I inspire hope, when feeling so hopeless?

Thoughts for today

Well the last couple of days have just been overwhelming again, seems like nothing new here lately but in all honesty it does grow a little old fast. We went to steam clean the kitchen rug, as it desperately needed it, did about a fourth of the rug before the damn cleaner was not sucking up the water--UUGGHHH--now finally HOURS later it has dried but it also means buying a new steam cleaner, thank G-d they are now under $75.00 versus what they were when I bought the one that is now broke and was over $200.

The weather has cooled considerably and the leaves have began to change, the neighbors have started putting up Halloween decorations already and we have had our first 2 frosts already but considering we are a little more southern than Cleveland it hasn't killed anything as of yet.

The doll work has kept me very busy and I am so far behind it isn't funny, but at least it is steady and at least I have work promised into November already--it could be worse--with no work at all.

More from the "Come Be My Light" this is from an article in Time magazine--but I HAVE TO BUY this book!!

"(Jesus): Wilt thou refuse to do this for me?...You have become my Spouse for my love---The thirst you had for souls brought you so far--Are you afraid to take one more step for your Spouse--for me--for souls? Is your generosity grown cold? Am I second to you?

(Teresa) Jesus, my own Jesus--I am only Thine--I am so stupid--I do not know what to say but do with me whatever You wish--as You wish--as long as You wish. (But) why can't I..... be like everyone else.

(Jesus): I want... who would be my fire of love amongst the poor, the sick, the dying little children... You are I know the most incapable person--weak and sinful but just because you are that---I want to use You for My glory. Wilt thou refuse?

I guess the question is how or when do you know if you have "been called to a greater purpose" and the even greater question is can Jews be "called"? After all don't we all have the same G-d, and only our faith in the Messiah changes our "over all thinking". In the mean time the darkness encroaches, the silence becomes deeper and the pain more intense.

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Just an update

Well the last couple of days have been busy here with the standard doll work, house work, yard work and here lately listing E-bay auctions of naked Barbie dolls for people to use for OOAK. The turn around has been decent but the money has unfortunately all gone towards bills. I know many of you can realte to that and at times it does seem very overwhelming.

I just finished reading "The Road to Oz" by L. Frank Baum and was a very good read if your into fantasy and all things Oz--which of course I am. I have just started reading "Glinda of Oz" also by Baum and the illustrations alone are incredible. Jim was a sweetie and got me 2 more of the Oz books, will have to recheck the titles when they come in as right off the top of my head I can;t remember the titles.

On that note the short term memory thing for me here lately has been somewhat of a struggle, and if I don;t write it down it seems to fade from my mind rather fast. The fatigue as well here lately has been to some degree crippling which is a big downer. Then you add to this the always stiff muscles especially legs which are always sore. I am beginning to wonder if I should be checked for Fibermyalgia as well, it has to be smoething more than just "AIDS" battle scars as I call them here lately.

I wanted to share something I just read a few day ago that Mother Teresa wrote and is featured in a new book "Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light" and goes with the train of thought Christina Hall shared with me a few weeks back about the "Darkness of Night"--Christina, I hope you are reading this-----

Lord, my G-d who am I that you

should forsake me?

The Child of your Love--and now become the most hated one

The one--You have thrown away

as unwanted--unloved.

I call, I cling, I want-- and there is no One to answer--

No One on Whom I can cling--no, No One.---Alone...

Where is my Faith--even deep down right in there is nothing,

But emptiness & darkness--My G-d--how painful is this unknown pain--

I have no Faith--I dare not utter the words and thoughts that crowd

In my heart--and make me suffer agony.

So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them--

Because of the blasphemy--If there be G-d --please forgive me--

When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven--there is such

Convicting emptiness that those very thoughts

Return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul.

I am told G-d loves me--and yet the reality of darkness and

Coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul.

Did I make a mistake in surrending blindly.......

I think she beautifully touches on something that I have felt for a long time and if this incredible woman of such incredible religious strength can say such things and believe such things about herself and her G-d, then who am I to cast myself off and judge myself so harshly in feeling the exact same way many times and quite honestly the bulk of my lfe--that G-d has been utterly absent. Will it change or shall I live out my days feeling the way I do---Sometimes the darkness is so overwhelming.

Charlie

Yom Kippur

I know its been a few days since posting, but things here have been busier than usual for some reason. With rush jobs for customers, the usual house and yard work--I am not so sure it will ever end.

Since last writing in the blog my brother and I had a wonderful day antique shopping last weekend and he bought a beautiful Minerva tin head doll while I found "Through the Looking Glass" by Lewis Carrol for a mere $1.00 and then I also found this great magazine photo of Judy Garland with a rainbow in the background frro 1964 and that was a mere $4.00 and that was the big wad I blew at the show .

That same weekend (actually Sunday) I had my first outdoor showing of my paintings, and actual first show, at the Clinton Applefest--Clinton is this small township right next to our "city" but with the beautiful weather we had at the event, the event had about 650 people or so and I SOLD a painting---my very first!!! I was beside myself, needless to say the money went to pay bills but still it was a rush. The woman that bought it planned on hanging it in her li ving room and the piece she bought was my first abstract.

Will be offline a few days here as having our computer cleaned and a new drive installed for the card reader for the new digital camera Jim bought a little over 2 weeks ago, but it will be able to do much better pictures for E-Bay and for the blog as well.

In the mean time I want to take the time and wish all of you a very happy and sacred Yom Kippur (as it begins tonight at sunset) and also take the time personally and say that if for any reason at any time I have hurt, offended or upset anyone in anyway I want to apologize and try to make ammends for it as is the custom for Yom Kippur.

Until next time,

Charlie



Ok, now for a inside view to my head as i have said my Youtube posts are all about--here we go--this the mood, this is the music--I know you all know the words so sing along with me and join me dancing in the background to the Legendary DIVA!!!!

I remember exactly where I was..........

I am sure I am no the only American that remembers exactly where and what I was doing when I first heard of the plane hitting the first of both Twin Towers in New York City, what is hard to imagine is that day is now six years later. A war that in the beginning everyone was behind, a war now that I am not sure has made so much difference. We had a President that everyone believed in at the time and now no one believes--a promise for a safer world, but is it.

What I know for certain is we lost so many lives not only on that day six years ago--- but the amount of life we have lost in service men and woman in the war that has followed. A tribute to lives lost at the Pentagon, that is being built at the cost of the families of the victims--A VALID fact pointed out today by Oprah Winfrey herself. We should be appalled, the President in disgrace that not only do these families loose someone they love dearly but that we make them pay again to remember them---SHAMEFUL! We have learned very little it seems, and where has our hearts and feeling gone. We as Americans are some of the biggest hearted caring people on the planet but when we turn over our dollars--where does it all go? Misused, as we have learned for the trillions of dollars we gave after 9/11, misused and misdirected after Katrina-----SHAMEFUL! And do we take the time to reflect on those events, and those lives, I really wonder.


On a different train of thought with the High Holidays just a few short days away, I wanted to let you in on that Jim and I baked a Sweet Honey cake, the traditional kind made by Jews every where. This wouldn't be such a big deal but it is our first time doing this together as a couple and my first time making this style of cake since I lost my beloved Micheal nearly 20 years from AIDS.

I shared with Jim that for the brief period I was with my Micheal that he would make this cake for the High Holidays and very special occasions like my birthday or even his. In all honesty I hadn't even eaten that style of cake till last year when a Jewish lady in our "Chaplain" classes asked what kind of cake I wanted on my birthday as the class landed on my actual Birthday. I gave it a lot of thought and said Sweet Honey Cake, and when she did it brought back some very wonderful and yes even some painful memories--but isn't that what makes all human in the first place, the wonderful and the painful and last night while it was baking and filling the kitchen with that wonderful aroma I was again reminded how wonderfully blessed I am.

Charlie

In preparation for Rosh Hashanah

Well gang, as many of you this week is primarily spent in prepations for Rosh Hashanah and well I wanted to give all of you read this blog a little more insight into the holiday and what it means, so below is so great information I found on the web that is pretty clear.

Hope you walk away learning something new and maybe join me in observing one of the holiest times of year for Jews and those of us who have adopted the faith and the pratices.

As many of you know I do attend a United Church of Christ Church but there are many ways even today that I consider myself Jewish-- in belief, in thought, in the way I pray and to some degree live my life and at this point in my life this church comes as close to a home I have had in years, many may not realize my exact thinking but that is alright as our former Pastor's assistant said "our individual faith is something sacred only to usand to our G-d and that is all that matters. Pray three times a day, wear tallit when you do, observe Shabbat. If it makes your life more meaningful and close to G-d than dwell there".

...In the seventh month, on the first of the month, there shall be a sabbath for you, a remembrance with shofar blasts, a holy convocation. -Leviticus 16:24

Rosh Hashanah occurs on the first and second days of Tishri. In Hebrew, Rosh Hashanah means, literally, "head of the year" or "first of the year." Rosh Hashanah is commonly known as the Jewish New Year. This name is somewhat deceptive, because there is little similarity between Rosh Hashanah, one of the holiest days of the year, and the American midnight drinking bash and daytime football game. There is, however, one important similarity between the Jewish New Year and the American one: Many Americans use the New Year as a time to plan a better life, making "resolutions." Likewise, the Jewish New Year is a time to begin introspection, looking back at the mistakes of the past year and planning the changes to make in the new year.

The name "Rosh Hashanah" is not used in the Bible to discuss this holiday. The Bible refers to the holiday as Yom Ha-Zikkaron (the day of remembrance) or Yom Teruah (the day of the sounding of the shofar). The holiday is instituted in Leviticus 23:24-25.

The shofar is a ram's horn which is blown somewhat like a trumpet. One of the most important observances of this holiday is hearing the sounding of the shofar in the synagogue. A total of 100 notes are sounded each day. There are four different types of shofar notes: tekiah, a 3 second sustained note; shevarim, three 1-second notes rising in tone, teruah, a series of short, staccato notes extending over a period of about 3 seconds; and tekiah gedolah (literally, "big tekiah"), the final blast in a set, which lasts (I think) 10 seconds minimum. Click the shofar above to hear an approximation of the sound of Tekiah Shevarim-Teruah Tekiah. The Bible gives no specific reason for this practice. One that has been suggested is that the shofar's sound is a call to repentance. The shofar is not blown if the holiday falls on Shabbat.

No work is permitted on Rosh Hashanah. Much of the day is spent in synagogue, where the regular daily liturgy is somewhat expanded. In fact, there is a special prayerbook called the machzor used for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur because of the extensive liturgical changes for these holidays. Another popular observance during this holiday is eating apples dipped in honey, a symbol of our wish for a sweet new year. This was the second Jewish religious practice I was ever exposed to (the first one: lighting Chanukkah candles), and I highly recommend it. It's yummy. We also dip bread in honey (instead of the usual practice of sprinkling salt on it) at this time of year for the same reason.

Another popular practice of the holiday is Tashlikh ("casting off"). We walk to flowing water, such as a creek or river, on the afternoon of the first day and empty our pockets into the river, symbolically casting off our sins. Small pieces of bread are commonly put in the pocket to cast off. This practice is not discussed in the Bible, but is a long-standing custom. Tashlikh is normally observed on the afternoon of the first day, before afternoon services. When the first day occurs on Shabbat, many synagogues observe Tashlikh on Sunday afternoon, to avoid carrying (the bread) on Shabbat.

Religious services for the holiday focus on the concept of G-d's sovereignty.
The common greeting at this time is L'shanah tovah ("for a good year"). This is a shortening of "L'shanah tovah tikatev v'taihatem" (or to women, "L'shanah tovah tikatevi v'taihatemi"), which means "May you be inscribed and sealed for a good year." More on that concept at Days of Awe.
You may notice that the Bible speaks of Rosh Hashanah as occurring on the first day of the seventh month. The first month of the Jewish calendar is Nissan, occurring in March and April. Why, then, does the Jewish "new year" occur in Tishri, the seventh month?

Judaism has several different "new years," a concept which may seem strange at first, but think of it this way: the American "new year" starts in January, but the new "school year" starts in September, and many businesses have "fiscal years" that start at various times of the year. In Judaism, Nissan 1 is the new year for the purpose of counting the reign of kings and months on the calendar, Elul 1 (in August) is the new year for the tithing of animals, Shevat 15 (in February) is the new year for trees (determining when first fruits can be eaten, etc.), and Tishri 1 (Rosh Hashanah) is the new year for years (when we increase the year number.

Finally no more pain

Well thank G-d Friday is over is all I can say, I would have written sooner but this is hte first real day I feel like myself again.

Friday was absolutely positively bar none the worst day of my entire life ever. The Valium he prescribed barely took the edge of and I was loopier than a kid in a candy shop with $1,000 bucks to spend . The G-d awful robes with your entire rear end exposed, the cold spray to get you ready and then this I couldn't even bear to look at to take the stint outr--AWAKE the entire time.

The pain was unreal, I honestly felt like I was being ripped inside out through Mr. Happy who by the way wasn't all too happy . I was sobbing uncontrobally from the pain, the doctor was like "Just breath Mr. Dale and please regain your composure it will be over shortly" I looked at him and angrily "You ever had this done to you" he of course said no and the bastard giggled Thats when I knew I was in for it. It seemd like it took forever, again the pain was unbearable, I was beside myself and the doctor and nurse well were VERY unsympathetic.

When it was finally over I was a abll of raw sobbing nerves, covered in my own urine, humilated and angry as hell when all I was told was "it's over now, you can go home". Not even a damn towel to clean up. I lost it at the receptionist desk and said "You know I am more than a G-d damn number, I am a person and I have feelings and I demand some respect and this place gave me none of it, not even anything to clean myself up with". This of course was at the top of my drama queen voice.

I opened the door, Jim took one look at me knowing and hearing what I just screamed asked if I was alright, hugged me in the office full of complete strabgers andd I said "All I want is to go home and this G-d damn %$*&@## doctor is never getting his hands on me again". Well you knw I am not one to swear but honestl I could have cared less about everyone staring at me what thjey or the staff thought either it was horrid and to think this guy was referred by the hospital, is suppose to be one of the best in this area nd Medicaid/Medicare will pay the entire biull which I am sure will be over $20,000 for everything
t of my mind

The rest of Friday was spent sleeping as I went home and drugged myself out of my mind. Saturday was some better again thank G-d for drugs and today was the first tim in two weeks I have "went" with no pain" at last its finally over. S from here on out a gallon of water everyday for the rest of my life to never have to go through that again.

Well this coming week is going to be playing catch up for the last two weeks with the doll repair, which is still coming in steadily and as of today I am promising in to November already. My christmas deadline slots will be filled no later than the first part of October and then we are done as I do not want to work myself to a frazzled mess like last year.

Well Gang till next time,
Charlie

Pavorotti has died and other news.......

ROME (Sept. 6) - Luciano Pavarotti, opera's biggest superstar of the late 20th century, died Thursday. He was 71. He was the son of a singing baker and became the king of the high C's. Pavarotti, who had been diagnosed last year with pancreatic cancer and underwent treatment last month, died at his home in his native Modena at 5 a.m., his manager told The Associated Press in an e-mailed statement.
His wife, Nicoletta, four daughters and sister were among family and friends at his side, manager Terri Robson said. "The Maestro fought a long, tough battle against the pancreatic cancer," Robson said. "In fitting with the approach that characterised his life and work, he remained positive until finally succumbing to the last stages of his illness."

Pavarotti's charismatic personna and ebullient showmanship - but most of all his creamy and powerful voice - made him the most beloved and celebrated tenor since the great Caruso and one of the few opera singers to win crossover fame as a popular superstar. "He has been, of course, one of the greatest tenors ever, one of the most important singers in the history of opera," colleague Jose Carreras told reporters in Germany. "We all hoped for a miracle ... but unfortunately that was not possible, and now we have to regret that we lost a wonderful singer and a great man."

For serious fans, the unforced beauty and thrilling urgency of Pavarotti's voice made him the ideal interpreter of the Italian lyric repertory, especially in the 1960s and '70s when he first achieved stardom. For millions more, his thrilling performances of standards like "Nessun Dorma" from Puccini's "Turandot" came to represent what opera is all about. "Nessun Dorma" turned out to be Pavarotti's last aria, sung at the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics in Turin in February 2006. His last full-scale concert was at Taipei in December 2005, and his farewell to opera was in Puccini's "Tosca" at New York's Metropolitan in March 2004. Instantly recognizable from his charcoal black beard and tuxedo-busting girth, Pavarotti radiated an intangible magic that helped him win hearts in a way Placido Domingo and Carreras - his partners in the "Three Tenors" concerts - never quite could.

"I always admired the God-given glory of his voice - that unmistakable special timbre from the bottom up to the very top of the tenor range," Domingo said in a statement from Los Angeles. Pavarotti, who seemed equally at ease singing with soprano Joan Sutherland as with the Spice Girls, scoffed at accusations that he was sacrificing his art in favor of commercialism.

"The word 'commercial' is exactly what we want," he said after appearing in the "Three Tenors" concerts. "We've reached 1.5 billion people with opera. If you want to use the word 'commercial,' or something more derogatory, we don't care. Use whatever you want." In the annals of that rare and coddled breed, the operatic tenor, it may well be said the 20th century began with Enrico Caruso and ended with Pavarotti. Other tenors - Domingo included - may have drawn more praise from critics for their artistic range and insights, but none could equal the combination of natural talent and personal charm that so endeared Pavarotti to audiences.



Well gang with the sad news of Pavorotti another great voice is lost and to a large degree I wished I had taken the time to see him in concert, well I guess somethings are not meant to be.

I wanted to share a note I got from a very dear friend of mine about some of the posts I have done in this blog, and especially if anyone else is feeling what I have been the last few months at all. Her name is Christina and she has been battling cancer for some time now, and has actually been be ridden for over a year.

Christina writes--- "It is about what you are experiencing. Charlie there is a book called The Collected works of St.John of The Cross. You should get a copy and read it. What you are going through is called "the dark night of the soul".

When people reach a higher level of faith (than most people experience) God calls them to journey on a dark path where they do not feel Him and they go through many trials where he refines them to His image.I can tell you that the feeling you are experiencing of loneliness, emptiness, and separation from God are part of this dark night. He has not forgotten you or left you.

He actually trusts you at this point in your faith, that like a parent letting a young adult get more freedom without them, He has given you that freedom. That is why you don't feel him. You probably won't for the rest of your life. Because the closer you get, the less you will feel him. Mother Theresa felt this same "dark night of the soul"."

First of all thank you Christina for the lovely note and then taking time to talk to me on the phone as well, it meant so much just being able to talk with you. I go Friday to get the stint removed and I am hoping the worst of it is behind me and that recovery will go little faster than it has so far, while the burning feeling and frequency will also diminish. Well today's blog is running rather lenghty so I guess I will close for now---Keeping you in my thoughts.

Charlie

EXPRESS YOURSELF--do it today

POST surgery note

Some of you asked how I made out--surgery went well but still very sore and drugged out of my fragile little mind--which isn;t all that bad. I go Friday to have the stent removed, so keep me in your prayers. Sorry I haven't posted sooner.

The post from "youtube" is how I am really feeling--so for those wondering I am Daffy Duck in this post. BLAMMMM!! If I could just the pain to go away and its actually "Kidney Stone" season but my feathes are beginning to smell like they are burned.... and I am the one I am driving !!