Well the last couple of days have been busy here with the standard doll work, house work, yard work and here lately listing E-bay auctions of naked Barbie dolls for people to use for OOAK. The turn around has been decent but the money has unfortunately all gone towards bills. I know many of you can realte to that and at times it does seem very overwhelming.I just finished reading "The Road to Oz" by L. Frank Baum and was a very good read if your into fantasy and all things Oz--which of course I am. I have just started reading "Glinda of Oz" also by Baum and the illustrations alone are incredible. Jim was a sweetie and got me 2 more of the Oz books, will have to recheck the titles when they come in as right off the top of my head I can;t remember the titles.
On that note the short term memory thing for me here lately has been somewhat of a struggle, and if I don;t write it down it seems to fade from my mind rather fast. The fatigue as well here lately has been to some degree crippling which is a big downer. Then you add to this the always stiff muscles especially legs which are always sore. I am beginning to wonder if I should be checked for Fibermyalgia as well, it has to be smoething more than just "AIDS" battle scars as I call them here lately.
I wanted to share something I just read a few day ago that Mother Teresa wrote and is featured 
in a new book "Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light" and goes with the train of thought Christina Hall shared with me a few weeks back about the "Darkness of Night"--Christina, I hope you are reading this-----
in a new book "Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light" and goes with the train of thought Christina Hall shared with me a few weeks back about the "Darkness of Night"--Christina, I hope you are reading this-----Lord, my G-d who am I that you
should forsake me?
The Child of your Love--and now become the most hated one
The one--You have thrown away
as unwanted--unloved.
I call, I cling, I want-- and there is no One to answer--
No One on Whom I can cling--no, No One.---Alone...
Where is my Faith--even deep down right in there is nothing,
But emptiness & darkness--My G-d--how painful is this unknown pain--
I have no Faith--I dare not utter the words and thoughts that crowd
In my heart--and make me suffer agony.
So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them--
Because of the blasphemy--If there be G-d --please forgive me--
When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven--there is such
Convicting emptiness that those very thoughts
Return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul.
I am told G-d loves me--and yet the reality of darkness and
Coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul.
Did I make a mistake in surrending blindly.......
I think she beautifully touches on something that I have felt for a long time and if this incredible woman of such incredible religious strength can say such things and believe such things about herself and her G-d, then who am I to cast myself off and judge myself so harshly in feeling the exact same way many times and quite honestly the bulk of my lfe--that G-d has been utterly absent. Will it change or shall I live out my days feeling the way I do---Sometimes the darkness is so overwhelming.
Charlie
1 comment:
Hi Charlie,
I'm slowly getting caught up on my internet stuff. We had trip #21 to Mayo Clinic Oct 1-3 and I had some minor surgery Oct 8 so I'm way behind on my blogs.
I hope you are finding your way through all of the darkness. You are never alone, please know that. Just as when you turn off the lights at night and you can't see Jim laying next to you in bed, you know he is there. God is there as well even if you can't see Him. He is in every breath you take, every minute you love and every moment you share that love with others.
I know all too well what irrational fear can do to take away that courage and strength it takes to keep on going, but if you look around you do have a lot. You have people who love you and that isn't by accident. God blessed you with a man to love you and through Jim God shares His love for you.
I have another book to recommend that I think will help you right now. Get the book "Overcoming Life's Disappointments" by Rabbi Harold Kushner. He talks about handling the rough times in life and tells the story through the eyes of Moses who wandered the desert for 40 years only to not be allowed to go into the Promised Land. Much like the promises life holds when we are young only to face trials and suffering as we live out our days.
Right now I know you're going through tough times and I am not going to trivialize them. They are hard. I know as we walk that same road right now, but we do not walk alone and there will be better days, even good, joyful days in the midst of the darkness.
Kushner speaking of Moses says "For years he had dreamed of it (The Promised Land)as a perfect place, the perfect setting for a people to devote themselves totally to the service of God. Were he to enter the real land, he would inevitably be disappointed. The reality could never match the land that existed in his imagination. This is an experience many of us will recognize, the dream vacation that turned out to be disappointingly ordinary, the "perfect date" who turned out to be a self-involved bore, the job that had been our lifelong dream that, when we finally attained it, is anything but what we thought it would be. The dream is a source of hope, of motivation; the reality will all too often be a letdown. God, the writer suggests, did Moses a favor by shielding him from disillusionment.
So sometimes when things are all going wrong and we see nothing the way we thought it was going to be it is best to hand it over to God because he might just be giving us the rest we need or getting us ready (like Moses being taken to Heaven instead of the Promised Land)to get a much better gift.
I highly suggest the book. It has helped me see what struggles and trials that we have endured for over 25 years as stepping stones to a much better place. That we are not alone and that sharing those hard times with others is what opens our humanity and circle of love.
Know I carry you close in my heart and keep you in prayer.
Hugs, Christina
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