From a place of insanity

Well what I thought was going to be an easier week turned out to be sheer and utter insanity. It started Monday with a very early phone call that one of best best friends died in his sleep at the age of 46. The part I think that took the longest to get use to was how sudden it had happened, considering Jim and i just saw him like two weeks before. Granted he looked rough and ill but in my opinion when you have been living with AIDS for 22 years you are allowed to look a little worse for the wear.

So Tuesday morning I drove into Cleveland to see his widow and help her write the obit for the paper and try to arrange some of the things that still had to be done. In the process I was also asked to play a key role in his funeral and help put his funeral together.

Now I now I took those Spirituality classes last year and that led the way to becoming a chaplain but this is in all reality the first funeral I have help play a spiritual part in. I have spoke from the heart dozens of times at these types of event but never in a spiritual sense and it has me somewhat nervous to say the least. A mixed crowd of young, old, black, white, gay, straight, professional and the poor-- I may never have such a diverse crowd again.

It took me two full days to finally decide exactly what I was going to say, the order I wanted to say it in and then as well speak from my heart as well as speaking from a spiritual place--while also doing and saying the right thing on behalf of my friend.

I have been re-reading aloud what I am going to say to try to lessen my chances of goofing something up on Monday when I do give the funeral, but it also has not made my nerves any less. I know I will do well, as I have every other time I have spoken in front of large crowds--my largest believe it or not was 5,000 and I was an emotional mess, but got a huge wonderful response, including a standing ovation.

Then also this last week we--Jim and I have been through one of the hardest weeks financially that we have had in a long time. I do not want o go into huge detail what it is and some things are best left completely private but I will say that it had tried both of our nerves to the end and that once it starts it seems as if only it snowballs--and hopefully we caught it before it got completely out of control.

I still feel that emotionally I have pulled a million directions and have tried being the rock--the sane one in all the insanity--but it also can get to the point where does get to be overwhelming and nerve wracking. Again I wish I could go into more detail what it is that I have been the rock for but--my hands are tied until I can fully at liberty say what it is. Just keep me in your prayers.

If it had not been for E-bay and selling some things I personally own to try to get ahead I don't know what we would have done--so in many ways thank G-d for E-bay. I know somehow we will pull through it but at times it does get very discouraging and very trying to say the least. I just pray that somehow the end of this "trial by fire" will be over and that we can emotionally, spiritually and financially get ahead.

Of course with this friend of mine dying this last week, it brought up so many issues, past memories, past hurts and sadness as well as the uncertainty of the future--with my t-cell and viral load tests at the end of the month it seems more prominent than ever---or maybe it just seems that way after the last week I have had.

I do promise to try to get better about this journal/blogging. Until next time.

The last week

Well gang, again sorry it has taken so long to blog but things here are chaotic to say the least again and it seems like if they weren't I wouldn't know what to do at times.

First and probably the least crazy thing is that Jackie (that's my 5 year old Shi Itzu) has been battling fleas really bad the last few days I think it has been because it has cooled of and we have been spending more time outside which we both love, but the poor thing has been fighting fleas because of it--all we need is one good killing frost to end the outside battle and we are struggling to stay ahead of the inside battle.

Second and probably the worst of it was a "customer" I had this last week that picked up a job. "They" after a day of having the job complained that the work was at very best inferior, shoddy and absolutely terrible. The sewing was that of an unskilled third world child laborer and that the sewing as we speak is falling apart and that the clothing items did not and would never fit the doll right. While I had no right repairing dolls in anyway, I should pack it up and call it a day.

Now I know that everybody is entitled to an opinion, but my thing is--why is it that when my work is attacked that in the process everything about my work, myself, my character is ripped to shreds? Why is I am left feeling like I never want to deal with another customer as long as I live? Then also why is it I have gotten some high praise and recommendations from this within the doll making field---It is not everybody that is asked by IDEX to be involved in their charity auction-- and be the ONLY NON-INDUSTRY (corporate professional) person in their auction ever. Hello, that says something in my mind but then again I have lost my mind.

There are times and this week has been one of them where I just want to walk away from it all and never do it again, I have grown tired of all of the "crapola" people can dole out and that mean spirited people seem to feel that they can just come in a do and say anything you want and you have to take no questions asked and of course nothing said back in self defense---I am over it!

Last is this idea of being some one's moral support and their "rock" during a crisis. Not that I am complaining in anyway about my being asked to do this for a very old friend as I love them as family--I guess what I want to say is that I did not expect it would take so much. I am not in a position to talk about details here or what this old friend is going through as of yet--but I do know it has so far been one of the most trying times they have gone through in a while. I feel to a degree blessed that I can be there for them during this time of" trial by fire" and I am prayerfully that I am given what I need so I may in return be there for them.

I do have a small "happy moment" to report--the last E-bay seller I was trying to buy a book from (Wizard of Oz, by L. Frank Baum) was a huge help this week in helping me figure out what kind of Wizard of Oz books are out there--the different levels, ages, prices and that they were wanting to help me get the best books for the best dollars and especially in regards to the books I am missing in the series. Overall he said I had done rather well--right now there were only 2 books he would consider I was "somewhat" jipped on.

He said from what I said is I wanted books between 1910- 1940's, books with color plates, hard covers and little wear--this is about 3/4 of what I have already. A few hard cover books without the color plates but not to worry to much about them overall. So for this E-bay seller who was an extremely nice guy who was also very helpful thank you for making my week.

Sorry for not posting more

This last week has been very chaotic to say the least between the normal everyday stuff--house work, yard work, doll work and adding to it E-bay sales it has been hard getting a moment to breath as it were. But I guess I am no complaining about it I just wish to some degree it would lighten up just a little.

At the very least I would like the "crippling" fatigue to go away. That has been in all honesty the worst of it. My only other complaint right now in all honesty would be my weight. Now many have said I look great from what I did last year weighing a mere 150 but at an even 200 and a 38 waist I feel fatter than ever--yeah even HUGE!! I just hate it, every last second of it! Everybody says I need something to fall back unto if I get sick again and deep down I know that, but there is a very big part of my mind that sees nothing more than this fat person I hate. I have been both extremes in my life obese at 265 and anorexic and in treatment at 124--so I know both ends of it well. It seems at times a good portion of my life has been spent in treatment.

First at 20-22 years old it was detox at Betty Ford for prescription drugs and booze for six months. Than it AIDS at 24 and AZT treatments which made my hair fall out the anorexia at 25-27 and regular therapy from the time I was 20 to 30 and of course I can't forget radiation for a year. At times it seems like I have no courage--or very little left to face what ever may be next. there are also many times when I would just love to start all over again at the beginning knowing what I know now--- in some words just to go home.

If I am truly guilty though of anything a friend of mine Lisa pointed out today I have a heart that is way to giving, caring and accomodating--not that she was complaining about it. It was actually meant as HUGE praise--she just hates to see me hurt. She says I would give my last meal to a complete stranger and that is very true. I say it is good karma. What you put out is what you get back--and I want only the best back. I have seen what evil has done first hand in my life many times over. I have seen wickedness go for a season but when it comes back it is always worse than what you dished out in the first place.

I want people to say when I am dead and gone that I truly cared and gave everything I could to make it better. That I only cared for others and wanted and expected nothing in return. I feel in the depths of my soul that over all the world would be a better place if we all worked that way. Will it ever do that--I don't know--but I do know one person can make a difference and to a very large degree I already have. While doing everything I can with everything I have to continue making a difference till I can't anymore.

Jim's Birthday

Well as I said in yesterday's post today is Jim's birthday. So this morning afer showering and shaving it was off to do errands. First the post office to mail more E-bay stuff I sold--you have to love the idea of making money while sitting at your computer in your jammies! The to the bank to depoist a customer check form a doll pickup yesterday, the the grocery store to get Jim's card and cake and then off to Borders to get Jim's present.

I got Jim Paula Deen's "Just Deserts" cookbook, Paula Deen's 2008 Calender/planner and the september issue of her magazine--jim just loves that "damn Paual Deen" as he says. The recipes are so easy and so delicious or as Paula would say just yummy! so the stuff was waiting for him when he came home on lunch break as well as a kitchen filled with smoke as I had a small grease firs on the stove this afternoon as well--scared me to death and the oil smoke brought tears to my eyes but all in all no damage thank G-d.

This early evening we went Down to Berlin, Ohio only about a half hour from here and wen tto supper at the Der Dutchman--both of which is the heart of Amish Country for those outside of Ohio reading this. The area is the largest Ohio residence of Amish in the entire state--We had such a nice drive the leaves are just beginning to change and we are talking of going sometime next week to try to catch the big leaf color change as well.

I ordered the Oz themed Iron ons from E-bay today to go with the doll for Akron's Children's Hospital so hopefully na day or so they should be here. My brother came up with the idea to embroider them ina Mustard color in reference to the Yellow Brick Road and the mustard color would be easier to see than just plain yellow--I had to agree. I guess until today I didn't realize how hard it can be to find Oz realted stuff outside of the internet !

Well gang until tommorrow--I am calling it an early night--

Charlie