Sorry for not posting more

This last week has been very chaotic to say the least between the normal everyday stuff--house work, yard work, doll work and adding to it E-bay sales it has been hard getting a moment to breath as it were. But I guess I am no complaining about it I just wish to some degree it would lighten up just a little.

At the very least I would like the "crippling" fatigue to go away. That has been in all honesty the worst of it. My only other complaint right now in all honesty would be my weight. Now many have said I look great from what I did last year weighing a mere 150 but at an even 200 and a 38 waist I feel fatter than ever--yeah even HUGE!! I just hate it, every last second of it! Everybody says I need something to fall back unto if I get sick again and deep down I know that, but there is a very big part of my mind that sees nothing more than this fat person I hate. I have been both extremes in my life obese at 265 and anorexic and in treatment at 124--so I know both ends of it well. It seems at times a good portion of my life has been spent in treatment.

First at 20-22 years old it was detox at Betty Ford for prescription drugs and booze for six months. Than it AIDS at 24 and AZT treatments which made my hair fall out the anorexia at 25-27 and regular therapy from the time I was 20 to 30 and of course I can't forget radiation for a year. At times it seems like I have no courage--or very little left to face what ever may be next. there are also many times when I would just love to start all over again at the beginning knowing what I know now--- in some words just to go home.

If I am truly guilty though of anything a friend of mine Lisa pointed out today I have a heart that is way to giving, caring and accomodating--not that she was complaining about it. It was actually meant as HUGE praise--she just hates to see me hurt. She says I would give my last meal to a complete stranger and that is very true. I say it is good karma. What you put out is what you get back--and I want only the best back. I have seen what evil has done first hand in my life many times over. I have seen wickedness go for a season but when it comes back it is always worse than what you dished out in the first place.

I want people to say when I am dead and gone that I truly cared and gave everything I could to make it better. That I only cared for others and wanted and expected nothing in return. I feel in the depths of my soul that over all the world would be a better place if we all worked that way. Will it ever do that--I don't know--but I do know one person can make a difference and to a very large degree I already have. While doing everything I can with everything I have to continue making a difference till I can't anymore.