From a place of insanity

Well what I thought was going to be an easier week turned out to be sheer and utter insanity. It started Monday with a very early phone call that one of best best friends died in his sleep at the age of 46. The part I think that took the longest to get use to was how sudden it had happened, considering Jim and i just saw him like two weeks before. Granted he looked rough and ill but in my opinion when you have been living with AIDS for 22 years you are allowed to look a little worse for the wear.

So Tuesday morning I drove into Cleveland to see his widow and help her write the obit for the paper and try to arrange some of the things that still had to be done. In the process I was also asked to play a key role in his funeral and help put his funeral together.

Now I now I took those Spirituality classes last year and that led the way to becoming a chaplain but this is in all reality the first funeral I have help play a spiritual part in. I have spoke from the heart dozens of times at these types of event but never in a spiritual sense and it has me somewhat nervous to say the least. A mixed crowd of young, old, black, white, gay, straight, professional and the poor-- I may never have such a diverse crowd again.

It took me two full days to finally decide exactly what I was going to say, the order I wanted to say it in and then as well speak from my heart as well as speaking from a spiritual place--while also doing and saying the right thing on behalf of my friend.

I have been re-reading aloud what I am going to say to try to lessen my chances of goofing something up on Monday when I do give the funeral, but it also has not made my nerves any less. I know I will do well, as I have every other time I have spoken in front of large crowds--my largest believe it or not was 5,000 and I was an emotional mess, but got a huge wonderful response, including a standing ovation.

Then also this last week we--Jim and I have been through one of the hardest weeks financially that we have had in a long time. I do not want o go into huge detail what it is and some things are best left completely private but I will say that it had tried both of our nerves to the end and that once it starts it seems as if only it snowballs--and hopefully we caught it before it got completely out of control.

I still feel that emotionally I have pulled a million directions and have tried being the rock--the sane one in all the insanity--but it also can get to the point where does get to be overwhelming and nerve wracking. Again I wish I could go into more detail what it is that I have been the rock for but--my hands are tied until I can fully at liberty say what it is. Just keep me in your prayers.

If it had not been for E-bay and selling some things I personally own to try to get ahead I don't know what we would have done--so in many ways thank G-d for E-bay. I know somehow we will pull through it but at times it does get very discouraging and very trying to say the least. I just pray that somehow the end of this "trial by fire" will be over and that we can emotionally, spiritually and financially get ahead.

Of course with this friend of mine dying this last week, it brought up so many issues, past memories, past hurts and sadness as well as the uncertainty of the future--with my t-cell and viral load tests at the end of the month it seems more prominent than ever---or maybe it just seems that way after the last week I have had.

I do promise to try to get better about this journal/blogging. Until next time.