17 days to go----talk of loss--some gains

As many of you may already know July 16th marks the 17th anniversary of the day I found I was HIV+. While also in under a year of being diagnosed I was told I was Full Blown AIDS. How or exactly why i have survived that long is beyond me but I do want to talk a little about some of the loss over the last 17 years.........

I lost my first boyfriend to AIDS, than called GRID (Gay Realted Immune Deficiency) when I was only 18 years old. At the time I thought it was going to destroy me and at the time I turned then to drugs--mainly pain pills, sleeping pills and uppers along with booze to cover the massive amoutn of pain

I lost my first lover to AIDS who died in my arms when I was not quite 21--actually one month short which sent me into an emotional tail spin which put me into Betty Ford and into almost 9 years of therapy after having had my stomach pumped twice and two suicide attempts. It was the lowest I have ever been, and the scary thing is I saw no way out. To do this very day I realistically say I understand why I turned where I did and am to a degree surprised I didn't turn full tilt to it again when Ron died.

I lost Ron---and many of you know this first hand--will be six years ago this December 21st and in many regards I feel I lost a HUGE part of myself with him. I know that I have Jim in my life and I am grateful for that but, my friends it isn't quiet the same for some reason. Which I really at this time do not want to get into and may over the next few days.

In the nearly 24 years since I lost my first boyfriend to AIDS I have seen over 600 freinds, people I worked with, acquantainces, clients of New Hope--which we ran for damn near 10 years die.

I am the only one in the group of friends that were my age when I was diagnosed who lived to see 40, I am the only left from that group. Of 25 of us in the very first support group for people living with AIDS--there is as of today only 5 of us counting me left.

I feel to a huge degree I lost my innocence, I lost who I REALLY was and am.

The one huge gain out of this whole affair is that I know what I will and will not tolerate from people who I consider "close freinds" and those people I have adopted as family. My biggest concern as of now is there is this terrible sense fo being utterly alone, unheard and that I for some reason do not have the kind of relationship with anyone like I had with Ron.

One that is completely open, completely honest, fun, cherishing the now and maybe to some degree what we did have in my mind's eye has gotten jaded over the years. But I would give anything to have it again--ANYTHING!

Some thoughts today

I first wanted to make you aware that Heinz--the famous Ketchup people had a wonderful commericial in Europe that was pulled because "some people" found it offensive-- I find it refreshing. it is listed below..........



If you find this ad to be as nice as I did I encourage you to call Heinz and ask them to reintroduce this commericial and bring it to the USA. In the meantime gay advocates have asked for a boycott of Heinz and their products.

Heinz
1 PPG Place, Ste. 3100
Pittsburgh, PA 15222-5448
Phone: 412-456-5700

This month has been another good one repair wise for me and was again over the $1,000 mark which is a relief and we are beginning to cath up. I go to the docotr's on Wednesday for test results to see if my meds are working or not as the numbers have been up and down so I ask that you keep me in your prayers.



I also wanted to post that Jim and I went and saw "Jersey Boys"--again the cheap seats seats--but I wanted to encourage all of you if "Jersey Boys" comes to your area GO SEE IT! Well worth every penny and especially if you love Frankie Valli.

This year I have so far enjoyed summer more than any other recent year and it has been nice--I just got to the point where I felt that life was just to damn short to miss it. And the only one to change it was me, and no more morrying about everything else.

It happens tomorrow

Well this morning my dad, my brother, my nephew andI went to Roger' Flea Market in Rogers, Ohio near the Ohio River and had a very nice time and a wonderfully rich conversation as well. Such a nice day, but Oy do my feet hurt as this Flea Market is one of Ohio's LARGEST. Tomorrow is Cleveland Gay pride my 20th that I have attended and like I said a few posts back a mile stone as it marks another year living with AIDS in July.

I have been very blest in all honesty and for that I am forever grateful--it has been a very full, enriching and wonderful life so far--wonder the next 17 years hole :) Haven't decided yet what I will be wearing yet but I am sure it will be something that will be comfy in the beautiful weather we have had the last few days. Or kids, should I make a fashion statement??

Some thoughts for today

This month and next have always been a struggle for me

Gay pride a big part of the month,

celebrating who and what I am.

Fighting for the rights we damn well deserve,

and are long past due in my opinon.

Acquantances who feel it isn't their "thing" to join

in with the march and festival

but want the same rights we all do as gays.

What irks me to no end is some of these people

are in postions they wouldn't have in the first

place if it hadn't been for Gay Pride and Stonewall.

Living with AIDS now for almost 17 years.

Everyone around either already dead

or dying before my eyes

and many of the issues 20 years

later are still the same.

Fighting for the right to be accepted for who I am,

what I am

and what I have

NO QUESTIONS ASKED!

A Pre-Daddies day wish

Gay, straight, married, divorced or single and even step-fathers--Happy Father's day to all the men lucky enough to have children in their lives.



My Father

We were never really close when I was growing up.

You were always working andwhen you weren't

there was never anytime for me.

We never really had anything in common like most father's and sons.

I made an effort a few times and it never made a difference.

I grew to resent you not wanting to be

part of my overall life.

I never heard you say--- till I was 38--- that you loved me.

I never felt you hug me---- till I was 38.

Telling you I was gay was one of the hardest

things I ever had to do, but I knew I had too.

Telling you I had AIDS was even worse.

But when I did I expected we would only have

2 years left together--we have had so much more than that.

Hearing you tell me you had cancer was something

I never expected.

It changed everything over night,

it changed very little in the long run.

I respect that man that you tried to be,

the home, the food and the things I needed

growing up

But I needed you more as

my dad--my friend

than as my father.

I'll always love you

and have never been able to say it to you.

I needed to say these things to you this year,

even if it is in this space, and in a place

that you will never see it but I

feel better now having said it.

Happy Father's Day---- Dad

Let's get funky

Just love the month of June and Gay Pride--as bette Midler says "If you got it flaunt it, honey".

Happy Birthday JUDY-- we love you

I wanted to take the time and wish a very happy birthday to the late great Judy Garland who was born yesterday and who would be 86 years old (born June 10, 1922). We will always love ya Judy.

A great actress, an incredible singer, gay icon, and a beauty in her own right. Gone way, way to soon!

As they said in "Will and Grace"----- "Judy, Barbra and Bette these are names we shan't ever forget ".

By the kids, the "Youtube" video is from the talented Darren Stewart-Jones the "Like Judy" mp3 is available for free from myspace.com/darrenstewartjones -

Ever have one of those days?

Well I did find out what my rash is it is Eczema and Hives lucky me and with it nearly a hundred degrees that last four days I have been somewhat of a big ole grump to put it politely.

I do have medication for it thankfully as of today ad hopefully it does go away and soon. The doll work has suffered as in the sewing room all I have is a big box fan in the window. I want to buy an air conditioner for it but we have to buy a new stove first. They want a hundred dollars for a new element and one burner and for an extra $100 we can damn near have a brand new stove. actually $219 at Home Depot so I go tomorrow to buy the gift cards for Home Depot at Giant Eagle so I can get the fuel perks for buying my stove. Have to save the money on gas somehow you know.

Been doing a lot of grilling outdoors this year and trying to watch what I eat as the doctor siad I need to lose about 15 pounds, so am trying to. Hope all of you are well and to let you all know you are in my thoughts and prayers often.

June ramblings

Well, this morning started with me trimming the bushes at the parish next door as I went to Mass Sunday, I figured G-d didn't care were I went as long as I went. Anyway they had a post about the bushes needing trimming badly and well I was the boy to do it. 2 and half hours and 4 garbage cans later of clippings I was beat but the bushes look fantastic.

The rest of my day was waiting on customers coming in for pick ups and errands so by the end of the day I was beat. Hopefully tomorrow I can get a little more doll work done that I just never seemed to get to today.

This month is also Gay Pride month and the anniversary of the death of Icon Judy Garland so I am sure a lot of my Youtube posts are going to be related to the 2. Speaking of Icons Yves Saint Laurent has died one of the greats in fashion and also a gay man, although part was played down considerably and dying after a "long illness". Makes me wonder-----AIDS? Evening news said Cancer but one still has to wonder.