17 days to go----talk of loss--some gains

As many of you may already know July 16th marks the 17th anniversary of the day I found I was HIV+. While also in under a year of being diagnosed I was told I was Full Blown AIDS. How or exactly why i have survived that long is beyond me but I do want to talk a little about some of the loss over the last 17 years.........

I lost my first boyfriend to AIDS, than called GRID (Gay Realted Immune Deficiency) when I was only 18 years old. At the time I thought it was going to destroy me and at the time I turned then to drugs--mainly pain pills, sleeping pills and uppers along with booze to cover the massive amoutn of pain

I lost my first lover to AIDS who died in my arms when I was not quite 21--actually one month short which sent me into an emotional tail spin which put me into Betty Ford and into almost 9 years of therapy after having had my stomach pumped twice and two suicide attempts. It was the lowest I have ever been, and the scary thing is I saw no way out. To do this very day I realistically say I understand why I turned where I did and am to a degree surprised I didn't turn full tilt to it again when Ron died.

I lost Ron---and many of you know this first hand--will be six years ago this December 21st and in many regards I feel I lost a HUGE part of myself with him. I know that I have Jim in my life and I am grateful for that but, my friends it isn't quiet the same for some reason. Which I really at this time do not want to get into and may over the next few days.

In the nearly 24 years since I lost my first boyfriend to AIDS I have seen over 600 freinds, people I worked with, acquantainces, clients of New Hope--which we ran for damn near 10 years die.

I am the only one in the group of friends that were my age when I was diagnosed who lived to see 40, I am the only left from that group. Of 25 of us in the very first support group for people living with AIDS--there is as of today only 5 of us counting me left.

I feel to a huge degree I lost my innocence, I lost who I REALLY was and am.

The one huge gain out of this whole affair is that I know what I will and will not tolerate from people who I consider "close freinds" and those people I have adopted as family. My biggest concern as of now is there is this terrible sense fo being utterly alone, unheard and that I for some reason do not have the kind of relationship with anyone like I had with Ron.

One that is completely open, completely honest, fun, cherishing the now and maybe to some degree what we did have in my mind's eye has gotten jaded over the years. But I would give anything to have it again--ANYTHING!