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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

From The Hospital

This is not going to be an easy post, I know I have been lacking again when it comes to posting here and a lot of it has to do with how incredibly hard, challenging and trying this semester has been on me.  In all honesty, it has been one of the worst in many ways and in other ways one of the best.  I don't feel exactly comfortable discussing everything that has happened this semester, because I have the gut feeling it would come back to haunt me, but it has challenged nearly everything I know.  The way I work, how I work and exactly how I perceive things on a very personal level.

While painful it has been rewarding as well and the highs have been incredibly high.  Being able to present my Gage paper from last semester at the Honor's Conference being one of them even though I was sicker than a dog.  Being able to speak and teach about Maya Angelou for the entire class length for African American Women's Literature was another, thank you Dr. Brenda  Smith for that incredible opportunity.

Getting to meet actual Holocaust Survivors for my upcoming Honors Thesis left me feeling humbled, honored and very privileged.  The semester is ending though on a a very trying note.  I am back in the hospital with what they believe maybe pneumonia.  The same exact symptoms as last year this time that had me out sick for a month.  Needless to say I feel like I am at ROCK bottom.  I can't go through what I did last year.  I never felt so alone in my life, and in many ways I still am "emotionally recovering" from that experience.  Again it is something that is still so painful I do not really wish to go into depth about it here.  I feel like I  write this tonight from the hospital bed because once again I am terrified, I am physically and emotionally hurting and I feel in many ways this is the only outlet I have in order to do try to put to voice what I am feeling.

I know I am being very vague, but right now I have a lot of trust issues, and I know they are my issues but until I can resolve them I can not nor will not talk in an open format about any of them.  I have let my guard down recently, trusted where I should not have and when I needed "my back" I didn't have it.

I guess I mention all of this because I have feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am not alone, that I am not the only one going through a very painful time, that sometimes the pain is overwhelming and overpowering and if I have to be honest it frightens me.   How do I find the strength to cope, to keep pressing forward, to keep my head above water and frankly do as well as I am here lately.

I had an acquaintance recently tell me I seem sad all the time and that really bothers me, I don't necessarily see it as sadness necessarily but more of a state of constant reflection on the state of things and why some things are the way are.  Have I encouraged it to happen?  Have I fostered this to happen?  Did I lose my voice?  Do nice guys always finish?  Should I throw caution to the wind and speak "my truth"?  Say what I see happening around me?  Is it too much stress?  How do I ....?

They say that for everything that happens in your life it is but a stepping stone to make you the person you are meant to be, if this is the case then what am I meant to be?

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