Another post for December-- a deeper look inside

Well it was a very quiet day here at home today-- as we were expecting another winter blast. At least the concert was before this huge storm hit. Most of the snow was melted because of the rain and what was left here was this frozen slush stuff that made taking the dogs out difficult--thank G-d for Jim doing it when he is home and all I am left with is when he is at work.

It started snowing again here around 1 p.m. and is still going strong and its now 4:30 p.m. but not nearly the amount of snow we got yesterday, its more this light dusting on top of this slush stuff that I am sure will make it unbearable tonight and tomorrow. Thank heavens all we have to really do is take the dogs out.

Part of this afternoon I spent making homemade lavender soap that I am going to be giving my brother for Christmas. Its the lavender I grew this summer in the back yard, and believe it or not the whole process was incredibly easy. And for as little as $7.00 I am going to end up with 8 bars of home made soap. So if you haven't tried it, you may want to consider it. The other thing I am doing for my brother is a scarf I am crocheting and i spent about 5 hours today doing so till my hands hurt so bad I had to take an Aleve and a break. Its about a foot and a half across and length I am not sure yet but I am hoping at least 4 feet so he has lots of room to wrap around his neck and head.

I know at times I can be extremely sappy if you will, even very emotional--but it has been that way all along and this time of the year is so much worse than other as I have stated before. It is always been more intense keeping things bottled up-- and I am so glad that I have this format to now let all those feelings, emotions and thoughts out. To put a voice to the pain, the loss, the victories, the joys and yes even the fears.

I have spent most of the day looking back at what has made me what I am. Surviving AIDS damn near 20 years, Kaposi Sarcoma Cancer 3 times in 5 years, the loss of 3 very dear and very much loved partners and countless friends to a disease that we still know very little about. Surviving a year in a physically abusive relationship when I was first coming out, surviving a drug and alcohol addiction, surviving 3 suicide attempts in my 20s, surviving a mental breakdown also in my 20's and I think for now I will leave it at that.

But it has made me what I am today--what some would say is this big "bleeding liberal" but it is what and who I am and it has made my heart the size that it is, it has made me realize what is important and what we all need out of our time on this planet.



I know that my reflection

shows exactly who I am

Right now and for the future

My thoughts all written out

for the world to read

to maybe love me

or judge me

But at least I at the

very last I am a

completely open book.