Thoughts of the day

Well very early this morning it was off to Sam's Club to do some light grocery shopping and to buy one more Christmas gift, actually for my brother. It was this beautiful basket done by Starbucks, I just know he is going to love it. We went really early as we have a Gold membership and to miss the crowds and I am glad to say we did miss the madness completely. How the bill adds up so fast is beyond me though. Part of it may have been the Bailey's Irish Creme we bought for the Eggnog for Christmas Day and I am sure some it as well was the pre-mixed ready to serve bottle of Cosmopolitian--my favorite mixed-drink of all time.

Than it was time to put away what little we did buy and for me to start to try to finish the one Christmas job I have left for customers that hopefully will be picked up on Saturday. I have to be honest here and say it has been very hard on me emotionally keeping the pace I have the last few days knowing my doctors do not want me to and yes it has made me "bitchy" beyond words but I am not sure how else to deal with it at this point. Once this last job is done I am taking a 4 day break though from it all as I feel I desrve it. MOre than likely will spend those days painting, something I enjoy completely and that I can zone out completely while I do it

I feel like I did though at Thanksgiving time--as I can not just get into the whole holiday spirit and this year somehow I missed all of Chanukah and for me it has always held special meaning and a very tender place in my heart. I feel so disconnected and isolated, exactly as I felt at Thanksgiving it has been in many ways very overwhelming. I think primarily those feelings for Chanukah is because those early years as "being a Jew" were very happy and peaceful times for me on many different levels.

I did take the time today and burn inscene and listen to this wonderful Kabbalahistic Meditation CD I have, as I worked on and finished this dangle bracelet I made for my mother. I guess it was an easy way to zone out and to destress and jewelry making for me is something completely new, and this technique I just learned which added to the thrill of something so different than the typical doll work.



Today emotionally though I would have to say I spent most of the day numb as I still have the pending anniversary of Ron's death on the 21st and every year it just looms over me, completely detaches me from everything and makes me wonder were the time has really gone. I wish to some degree I could say it has gotten easier but I can not and don't think I will ever be able to say it. The above song by Mariah Carey was actually played at Ron's Calling hours and makes me hope that I can and will rech the point where I can say I am my own Hero--something Ron was able to do.

Yes I have a completely different life now than then, and yes I have accomplished in my opinion some amazing things since then as well but there is a very large part of me that would love to be able to have just one more moment in space and time to really connect on many different and unique levels with Ron and that one more chance to say everything I want and need to say to him.

The last couple of days I have really thought about the degree of happiness we experience and if it is a real and justifiable feeling or is is a feeling brought on by our experiences, exposures to people, place and things--a place of fleeting narvana. If that is the case can one be truely happy all the time. Right now I think the most we can hope for is daily attainable inner peace---right now I do not have that. Are there angels that help and guide us, is there a caring, loving G-d in this world where I feel so alone and with no voice.

It may look that I have this great inner peace to others from the outside but those of you who take the time to sit and read my thoughts know what a struggle it has been and continues to be on many different and profound levels, --at the very least I am mentally stable and have a solid foundation on which to build and for that I am very thankful.



I have deep respect for the late Mother Teresa and one of the things i would love to read is her newest book dealing with her issues of feeling abandoned by G-d. As far as her message that I think we all need to hear this holiday season is one love, forgiveness, humility, compassion and be able to forget. The question for you my frined as well as for myself is can we?