Finally a breakthrough

I wanted to share a picture of these shirts I found on E-bay granted if the shipping for them wasn't horrific, I would seriously think about it as I think they are the coolest things I have seen. But then what do I want when they are coming from India There will be a picture below of another one as well

Well gang you will never believe who was here today finally after days and days of getting nowhere---the aide for the interview for home health. Granted it was the guy for physical therapy but hey it was a body!! He seems like a really nice guy 3 years younger than me and thanks to him as of tomorrow I have a 4 wheeled walker with brakes, the wheels pivot and has a seat! And thanks to our church--A HUGE SHOUT OUT YOU, Grace United Church of Church of Loyal Oak, all I have to do is pay $45.00 out of pocket.

The aide said he would be out in a few more days and then would also be applying from within to get an actual aide out in 2-3 days to do another interview for a total of 14 hours a week. It took him all of 10 minutes to get most of this done after the initial interview, I couldn't believe it.

I did happen to fall Saturday once at like 2:30 in the morning and once around 12:30 nothing hurt but that does make for 9 falls now, Mom's surgery is scheduled for tomorrow and there is a very big part of me that wishes I could be there, I just know for now it would deplete everything in me.

I also wanted to mention a friend of mine is moving here from the coast with in the next couple of days so please keep him in your prayers as well. He's traveling by bus it will be a haul, but looking so forward to seeing him soon. Will let all of you know when he gets here.

For all you fans of Idina Menzel of "Wicked" and "Rent" she has a BRAND NEW CD out and personally I can't wait to get it If and when I can get this of course id from that new CD and called "Brave"... so hopefully you will all enjoy this and remember--Keep me in your prayers

A Weekend post

Well gang, I first want apologize for not posting since Wednesday. Friday and Saturday in all honesty was some of the worst days walking wise I have had in a long, long time. The pain was shooting down my leg and a lot of it in my left knee and foot. Thursday in the morning it seemed like all I did was sleep--as the fatigue was so bad--while the afternoon and evening was answering phone calls.

I also want to thank one of my best long-distance friends Weaver for calling me. Sweetie you have no idea how much you brightened my day by calling, making me laugh forget for a while how bad things have been and for simply caring, it meant the world to me. For Christina, who always knows what to say in e-mails I also want to thank you as well--especially considering you absoultely, positively know where I am coming from, being sick yourself. I hope you are feeling some better and know that you have been in my prayers fo a long, long time.

Speaking of prayers, my mother needs them badly she faces surgery on her back very soon for 4 fractured vertebra from a fall she had Saturday the week I was in the emergency room. If she opts for no surgery or is not eligble for it because of her own health issues she will be basically bed-ridden and my mother is only 60 this year. She is way to young for this, in my opinion and I know that prayer when said can work miracles. If anyone would like to send her a card---- e-mail me privately and I will give you the adress--just sign them with your name and a friend of Charlie's

Being where I can barely walk across a room myself at many times and not being out of the house in over 2 weeks I feel utterly helpless, in regards to what is going on with my mother. The family is supppose meet with her doctor on Monday sometime and I have a friend going in my place but-somehow it doesn't feel the same. As the old saying goes--"when it rains it pours".

I do know that I have been so far able to handle it--I do have my moments, who doesn't--because of everything I have seen, lived through and experienced because of the 20 years of being in the trenches of AIDS. You grow up fast, for me I had to also know what I wanted, who I wanted in my life and honestly what I simply woudn't tolerate. It hasn't been easy but it has made me who I am. For that I am thankful. As the old Jerry Herman song says "I am what I am".

On that note, keep me in your prayers--Charlie

The incompetence of the system.............

Well after a racken fracken < in my best Yosemite Sam> 5 days with the local fakata AIDS Taskforce I am not eligible for services for an aide through them or even Ryan White Federal Money because I receive Medicaid/Medicare. And will not be eligible until I have EXHAUSTED EVERY OTHER RESOURCE POSSIBLE----her words exact!!!





The doctor said the referral I gave for an organization that my best and longest longtime friend works for I am not eligible for, as I do not need Skilled nursing--won't even supposedly send anybody out to evaluate me till it is at that time--period. My friend is trying to change that.

So then Jim and I looked up another facility that offers skilled/non-skilled and companion service but he said they do not accept Medicaid/Medicare and is private pay at $17.00 an hour with a minimum of 2 hours per visit. There is no way we can do that!

So then we called an agency out of the phone book that said they accepted all kinds of payment skilled/non-skilled and companion services but it has to be preapproved for Medicaid/Medicare which has to be done through the State Welfare/MRDD Department. Which we all now anything involving the government could take forever--or till I am dead.


I was so mad after yesterday I am on the verge of G-d knows what, it was like a fit the Tasmanian devil throws in those old Bugs Bunny movies.

I just don't know what to do am calling the Welfare/MRDD Department today and see where it gets me--in the mean time--- I guess lets hope.

Some rather sad Hollywood news from yesterday--that I couldn't do yesterday for some blogger/Internet issues--but actor Heath Ledger has died at the age of 28 from what app eras to be a drug overdose. Many of you may remember Heath form the phenomenal movie "Brokeback Mountain".

So on that not lets not only pray for me today but Heath's young daughter and his family......



The following is by the getlmen who made this incredible "Youtube post" if anything the music is very haunting---thank you guys both for what you did on behalf of Heath.

Heath was an amazing actor and he will be sorely missed by all those that were touched by his performances.

This is an instrumental piece, and it was chosen to convey the intimate, yet sweeping romanticism of Jack and Ennis's relationship.
By definition "Renouncement" means "to be resigned to, to give up or refuse". Toward the end of Jack and Ennis's 20 year relationship it was clear that Jack had become resigned to the fact that he could never BE with Ennis in the way he dreamed of ("I did once").

Their final climatic scene together at the lake overlooking Brokeback Mountain clearly was a turning point in Jack's mind and heart. As Jack stood by the Lakeside, looking out into the mountains...his mind raced with memories of his love for Ennis, thus begins the vision for "Renouncement".
There is a high quality version available for download.

http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php.

MY 100th Post for this blog and over 600 hits

Well kidlets it has taken some time but we finally have arrived my 100th post in this blog and over 600 hits---thank you all so much for including me in your lives--it means so very much to me. And you know something none of those hits hurt .

Today was some better and with the walker some what more steady on my feet, but still managed to fall around 12:30 this afternoon--not nearly as hard as the other falls but it was still what it was--rolling my eyes! You know how Joan Crawford in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" can one get . If I couldn't laugh I think I would cry and I have been there done that--it weren't purty--no ma'm it wasn't purty.

Managed to call and leavea message for the case manager at the Taskforce and still haven't heard form her and we are going on 6:00 p.m. I also called my local doctor to see if I could get a referal for home health aide as I have a friend involved in it and she said I should be able to qualify as I am on Medicaid/Medicare. Hopefully within a few days the nurse will be out to interveiw me to see if I am eligible for the program. It can't hurt right? But I guess that is what the porcupine said to the sheep he wanted to date--I know I know, bad me!

Also for the dolly lovers out there I want to share the newest Robert Tonner doll from the "Wizard of Oz" series he is doing it is of course the Wicked Witch of the East.

Well until next time keep me in your prayers......

Charlie

Honoring Martin Luther King

44 years ago today this event was supppose to change our world....have we achieved everything Reverand Martin Luther King spoke of that day. 144 years ago Abraham Lincoln signed the decree of freedom from slavery of our brothers.

Many things have changed and I am not denying that by any means...but the Klu Klux Klan unfortunately still exists in the deepest south, segregation still is an issue are we all totally free. Can our children of all races truely hold hands? 1963 was the beginning, 2008 is the year to fully make his aspirations TRUE not only for Africans Americans but all people--gay, straight, married, divorced, widowed, never married, young or old, African American, Hispanic, Chinese, Oriental Cacausion and even mixed races.

I have a dream one day that we will rise up.......that our children will be judged by the content of their character.......join hands as sisters and brothers........ thank G-d Almighty I have a dream

A Descent into torment..................

Well, the following is news and is a mix of some good and some bad news. Yesterday morning--actually pre-dawn morning was not good for me I feel again at 1:30 and at 4:30 a.m. nothing hurt again but the second fall that night I had another emotional "meltdown" not nearly as bad as the one a few days ago but still for me a rather serious one. The day as a whole was ok--not good and not bad just ok.

By night I had a lot of problems walking and by 6:30 or so I was in bed with chest pains. They just steadily got worse as we were watching TV in the bedroom tell around 9:40 p.m. or so I passed out on the bed. This is all based on Jim's account as I don't remember much of waht happened for that entire night. He said I was verablly unresponsive for a good 5 minutes and he by that time had called the paramedics.

I was evaluted by the paramedics got on a stretcher hauled out to the ambulance--while last nights low here wasa mere 6 degrees. I do remember an IV, heart moniter, chewable asprins, and a nitorglycerin pill as they honestly thought I was having a heart attack. The ambulance of course flew to the hospital and I was rushed into emergency.

Was given more IV and blood tests, oxygen tests, connected to a heart moniter and apparently was figured out rather soon it WAS NOT a heart attack. I was also given another Xray and a CT scan of head (because of 6 total falls in 3 days), all of which turn out to be normal. The emergency room was not exactly sure what the pain was but was cosidered manageable after a shot of morphine and I was sent home.

Today with the assitance of Jim I was helped out of bed, dressed and was walking very, very slowly with a walker. It takes me forever to cross a room and I am very winded when I have to do it. The pain has not been all that bad today but some of the numbness is lingering and so is the dizziness.

My brother did come to visit me today with my 8 year old nephew who just a few weeks ago he and I watched "The Wizard of Oz" movie together for what was my nephews first time seeing it. I bring this up as I asked Nick (that's my nephew) and what he wanted to be when he grew up --keep in my mind he is an autistic child who can mange on his own rather well--what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said a typewriter. I said a what? and He responded a type writer so he could write stories. Of course I said Nick thats a writer and I asked what kind of stories he wanted to write and he said fantasy so he could write stuff like the Wizard of Oz. I asked if he would write me a story of Oz and he said he would--I can't wait. Maybe, just maybe I have a budding L. Frank Baum or Ruth Thompson on my hands.

I have the feeling this maybe a long term thing and that I am going to end up with a pain managment person and an aide--which at this point I deperately need. I do have a freind here that has volunteered to give me an hour a day every day she is off--about 2-3 days a week which of course better than what I have now.

As always I ask that you pray for me
Charlie

Thoughts for the day..a new journey begins

Well the day as a whole wasn't much better than yesterday--my feeling better is about the same. I did happen to fall first thing this morning right after breakfast and my pills in the kitchen. I didn't hurt anything but am sore of course. I took it easy for the rest of the day and around 1:30 went to get something to drink and feel again in the living room flat on my back. Still nothing hurt but the wind knocked out of me. Took a while to get up but at least I did.

I am reading this brand new book--at least for me-- "The Wisdom of Oz: Reflections of a Jungian Sandplay Therapist" by Gita Dorthy Morena--the great-daughter of L. Frank Baum by the way.

Anyway I wanted to share with all of you one of the thoughts I read to day in her book that I think for me is going to be life changing......

"One of the best-known references to the rainbow in our times occur in the Wizard of Oz. Although not part of Baum's original story, Judy Garland's singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" suggests that dreams may come true in a land beyond the rainbow, where birds fly freely and "clouds are far behind me". Although the Land Of Oz is not problem free, Dorothy's ability to overcome challenges and obtain her hearts desire reinforces the hope that rewards will come with persistent effort and determination. Rainbows are one of the most beautiful and majestic manifestations of pure light that can be perceived on the physical plane. When a rainbow's pathway of color crosses the sky, it creates a breathtaking spectacle and inspires a sense of wonder and awe. After a rainstorm, the rainbow's presence seems to emanate the imagination and suggests that the clear luminescence of the sun is not far behind the storm clouds of doubt and confusion."

After reading this for the first time in my life I realized why the attraction to the song--it has kept me going after the horrors of the "Holocaust of AIDS" in my life, the lost of people I truly cared deeply for and the fear that one day I may face unknown horrors of my own. After my "meltdown" yesterday it was an eye opening experience.

As Always I ask that you pray for.

Charlie

A new day and----- a meltdown

Well the new pills haven't kicked in all that much yet but somehow I feel better knowing they will be. I was actually feeling rahter well this morning and wen down to my art studio were I was taking lessons to get some advice on a picture I am painting of Anna Nicole Smith. I was there maybe 15 minutes top and feel a little tired when I left but in all honeesty not any more than usual.

Came home rested for a bit had some lunch and around one a clock stood up to go to the restroom--took thre to four steps and fell. Took a good 5 minutes to get off the floor. Didn't really hurt anything but just stunned that I fell. Got up made my way to te rest rrom and back. Sat and rested for a bit and about a half hour later needed something more to drink stood up to a couple of steps and fell again.

This time much harder than the first and that is when my meltdown accord. I just laid on the floor sobbing uncontrobly fora godd 15 minutes, so much so I think I scared my dogs. Just these gut wrenching sobs. I am not exactly sure what came over me but once i started I just couldn't stop.

I crawled into the bedroom with the phones closed my bedroom door with my dogs in with me so I could keep an eye on them. Laid down and cried some more till I feel asleep. JIm called form work and I told him I feel twice, think I scared him which of course I didn't want to do. He got home at 3 and I was still in bed resting and sore from falling.

I don't even know why I write these here, or why I even mention them--but to some degree it helps getting these things off my chest. To let those of you close to me--into my heart and my life. To let you share in some of my most private emotions.

After readig Mother Teresa book of Secret letters I am beginning to feel that she is right. That suffering draws you closer to G-d even though you may not actually feel him near you or even really He doesn't exist. I felt so close to the feet of G-d laying on the floor the second just sobbing out to Him. HIm the only oone really hearing me--the only one really seeing me--the only one knowing the extent of my pain.

I hope all of you can possibly see that my heart in all reality longs to be close to G-d--not the one of dogma and religious constrictions but the one that we all worship, the one we all love, the one that Hindus and Jews a like pray to, the same G-d that loves and acepts us as we are.

As always I ask that you pray for at this time as I pray for all of you.
Charlie

Forgive them anyway.............................

I wanted to share with you this poem I found on the net, I couldn't find an author for it but I felt that this is how my heart should be--and with time and patience it will be will. The photos pictured in the poem are dolls--by the very talented and gifted Anna Brahms and are part of what she calls "Holocaust Collection". http://www.alisasinternationaldollart.com/live/artists/AnnaBrahms/holocaust.html

People are often unreasonable,

illogical and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you

of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some

false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,

people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building,

someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway

If you find serenity and happiness,

they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,

people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,

and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see in the final analysis.

it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

my test today and thoughts from a Saint

I wanted to share with all of you my readers something I read today out of "Mother Teresa: Come be My light"------ "God can not fill what is full.--He can fill only emptiness--deep poverty--and your "Yes" is the beginning of becoming empty. It is not how much we really "have" to give-but how empty we are--so that we can receive fully in out life and let Him live His life in us..... Does not matter what you feel- as long as He feels alright in you. Take away your eyes from yourself and rejoice that you have nothing--that you are nothing- that you can do nothing. Give G-d a big smile-each time your nothingness frightens you....Just keep the joy of G-d as your strength.--Be happy and at peace.-Accept whatever He gives-and give whatever He takes." Mother Teresa

Well the scan went off rather well today, not nearly what I expected and it didn't take as long as I thought. It actually took longer to get the results and to be seen by my doctor than to have the test done. According to him (my HIV Specialist) the CT Scan came back normal--no sign of anything not even blood clots and that is the reason they rushed the results. He did say it could possibly be a "Zoster Bacterial thingy"--kind of like shingles in some people that may have not manifested itself into splotched.

There is also a possibility that the "Zoster Bacterial thingy" is internal as well. Personally he feels it is a Nerve ending or nerve problem and has me on Lyrica for the next two weeks to help ease the pain and to hopefully get me back to functioning normal. If it is not better by then to call set up an appointment and we will go from there. Which in his opinion would be a pain management person to deal with what is going on.

It does bring some relief to know it is nothing serious, it is however also a little mind blowing--for lack of better words-- that something so "minor" can cause so much pain. It will take a few days for the medication to build up as they say before I notice any change but hopefully and prayerfully they will work.

"G-d makes himself the hungry one, the naked one, the homeless one, the sick one, the one in prison, the lonely one, the unwanted one, and he says : "You did it to me." He is hungry for our love, and this is the hunger of our poor people. This is the hunger that you and I must find, it may be in our own home..... We picked up ( a man) from the drain, half eaten with worms, and we brought him to the home: "I have lived like an animal in the street, but I am going to die like an angel, loved and cared for". And it was so wonderful to the greatness of that man who could speak like that, who could die like that without comparing anything. Like an angel-this is the greatness of our people. And that is why we believe what G-d has said: "I was hungry, I was naked, I was homeless, I was unwanted, unloved, uncared for--and you did it to me." Mother Teresa

I guess I share these thoughts with you because reading them and absorbing them has made me very humble, made me feel to self absorbed in my "own-ness" and my own tragedies and joys, and in many ways more meek. To the point where I feel like I should not speak of anything.

As always I ask that you would continue to pray for me.

Finally some results.............. I guess

Well the bone scan tests came back and you ready they showed absolutely, positively NOTHING!! It has me so discouraged and upset I don't know which end is up. I feel about the same, and i am tired of feeling that way. My HIV Specialist has me booked tommorow for a CT Scan in Cleveland, my GEneral Practioner--the gal you found this in th efirst palce wants me to have new x-rays and to see a Pulmonary Specailist Thursday. In th emean time the AIDS Taskforce along with the state of Ohio is having some kind of computer glitch and the paperwork has not even been started. It just seems like there is no break in sight.

So in a fit of anger I worked longer than i should have today and tonight am paying for it. Now don't get to worrried it wasn't like hours on end but it was more than i should have even tried. It was either that or just sit and cry. It just seems like the more ask for anything in any way shpe or form the less I get. I am tired of asking, I am tired of saying anything and personally I am to the point where I don't feel like saying anything about this anymore to anyone--it just doesn't make any difference.

Very Frustrating day

Well I had to have my teeth cleaned today so jim took me this morning as had some very serious trouble walking and being in the cold made breathing very painful to say the least. The cleaning exam went well and he didn't keep me long as I guess I looked really bad as well.

I came home called my docotor's office and the fraking office never got the xrays--un-freaking believeable so they were calling to get them and here we are now at 6:30 at night and I still have no damn results. I am calling again first thing in the morning about this and more than likely raising holy hell if they still don't have them.

I then placed a call to my Case worker at the AIDS Taskforce in outr area to have her call me abou the paper work and what was happening if anything with the part time aide, and again 6:35 at night and NOTHING--is it to much to ask for a g-d damn phone call? Such incompetitance!

It just seems like I suffer in silence without anyone giving a shit less and I am to the point where I just can not take anymore of it. Is it so much to ask for just a little compassion, a little sympathy, a little support-- I mean what if it were any worse or gets any worse? Am I still going to be getting nothing!

I am sorry if I come off as ranting but I am just so tired of being so sick and absoultely nothing being done about it. It has grown very old very fast and am I just to sit back and take it? What I would like to know is if it is like this for me are there others out there that have it just as bad or even worse? If so how do they deal with it, cope with it and somehow survive?

The thing that has been the most frustrating has been th e absolute silence--that I know for sure I know I can not take anymore of--it has to change, or I may lose my mind.

At this point I guess all I ask is pray

When the pain of longing is so great

Some of you may notice the new "widget" in the side bar of my blog "365 Gay Headlines" it was in another blog I read and I was intrigued and felt that it was something that I wanted in mine so I added it--I hope you take some time and read some of the linked stories--let me know what you think.

Well yesterday was absolutely the worst day I have had this week and in all honesty in along time. The pains in my chest were the worst they have been since this whole thing started and even though I was up at 6:30 a.m and was unsteady on my feet I did manage something to eat and to take my pills but I was back in bed by 9 and was in bed the entire day either sleeping or resting--not much of a difference there for me to tell you the truth.

To tell you the truth not what caused all of that or if it is because I have felt so lousy. Honestly, I am somewhat concerned that if this is the way it is going to be for the long haul--am I up to it. It just seems so dark right now. I am however struggling through and trying to read "Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light: The Private Writings of the "Saint of Calcutta"" by Brian Kolodiejchuk.

I want to share with all of you one of the most profound things I have read so far.

".....This terrible sense of loss-this untold darkness-this loneliness this continual longing for G-d-which gives me pain deep down in my heart- Darkness is such that I really do not see- neither with my mind nor with my reason- the place of G-d in my soul is blank-There is no G-d in me-when the pain of longing is so great--I just long & long for G-d- and there it is that I feel-He does not want me-He is not there-...G-d does not want me--Sometimes---I just hear my own heart cry out- "My g-d" and nothing else comes--The torture and pain I can't explain--"

The day I read that I just sobbed with every fiber of my being till there was nothing left in me. My soul has never felt so connected to another in such a very long time. It is like knowing some one understood the pain, the sorrow, the grief, the loss and the sheer utter loneliness that has been in my heart, in my soul and in my mind for years. It is if my pain finally had a window that could be seen into by people from the outside.


I know I have blogged here for a while but I wonder are people really reading what I am writing? Do people even care what I am saying, what is happening? Do they not know what to say or how to respond and therefor say nothing? Did they stop coming back and reading what I am writing because they got tired of some of the repetition in my posts? Do they not want to face their own fears? Or were they simply never that close to begin with? I may never know.


At the time I started this journey writing I felt it would be a tool for those in my life and those close to me to read what I was experiencing, how may day was going, what new "works" had I been doing--a chance to really get to know the real me--uncensored, honest, raw. I felt and still feel that there are people out that want that kind of relationship with someone, they silently crave it--they just may be afraid to ask for it. It is as if all we need to do is knock on the door and wait for it be opened.

Well I guess for now I will close and will post what I find out tomorrow from my bone scan, in the mean time I hope you all will keep me in your prayers as you are in mine.

Charlie

My day--some thoughts

Well the bone scan today went much better than I thought it would. The neighbor lady, Linda, across the street ended up taking me as Jim was working today. I went in at 11 like scheduled, told it was for 10 even though my paper said 11, they gave me the shot for the scan and then a 3 hour wait before I could do the scan. Linda was very kind and took me to lunch and I had a delicious Mediterrian Chicken Salad with hot tea as it was so cold here today.

Like I said the scan wasn't that bad but the bad part was the laying completely flat, not moving and then the second set of scans was with my arms over my head and I thought I was going to die it hurt so bad. Thank G-d I took pain pills before we left for the hospital. Results will be in 2-3 days and the only thing that threw me was the question had I ever had a cancer diagnosis--- so maybe the spot they are looking at in my 8th rib is cancer? Will keep you all posted on what develops.

If I have to be honest here I am a little scared that they are checking to see if there is cancer but my thinking today so far has been that it is more than likely routine but it does make you concerned you know. The cancer thought never even crossed my mind if I have to be honest as well and that is why I think I was so thrown when asked about it.

In the mean time am waiting to here from my case worker about someone coming to the house like an aide to check on me while Jim is at work till I can get back on my feet, I would say the biggest problems has been the shortness of breath, the pain which at times is horrific and the fatigue has been pretty bad as well. The other part as far as any kind of work being done since last week---there has been ZILCH! There are days where it wipes me out to make lunch, but yet supposedly I am not eligible though state programs for help go figure. Can we blame George W for this?

I left my cake out in the rain

You know I always play this song when I am feeling depressed, have played it that way for years--not really sure what lead me to really liking this song but after the last few days I have had here I needed to hear it again. I go tomorrow (not today like I thought)for my bone scan. I also placed a call today to my local AIDS Organization to see if I oculd get an aide for a few hours a day till I am back on my feet while Jis at work as the other places I checked I was are you kids ready--INELIGIBLE! I have one thing to say to them--its 2 words F*%^& Th#em. It is already getting really old. Sorry for the bad mood but 5 phone calls can do that to a guy and always referred somewhere else!

Tests results and other news

Well the test result from MOnday came back and I am hapy to say it is not pneumonia like I thought. It is however arthritis either around or in my ribcage and ribs, I go tommorrow for a bone scan to figure out exactly where it is, how bad it is and how far advanced it is. The arthitis of course was something not completely new for me but is new in my chest and of course was brought on because of the advanced AIDS--longterm of course. But than according to some commercials I have been seeing lately it sin't AIDS anymore--its advandced HIV disease. I guess its more politically correct or some horse sh*t, my thinking is call it what is, period!

The other problem is part of my lower lung has collapsed. So I am on new pain killers that are stronger and I am to try--no matter how painful to tak deep breaths every 1/2 hour to try to get that lung to re-expand. In the mean time the pain is pretty damn bad and of course I am somewhat crabby as hell and very little work has been done doll wise. No real clue as of yet what I going to do if this pain is here for the long haul.

I have however been reading a rather good book "Love In the Time of Cholera" which I would recommend and was surprised today by Jim he bought me "Mimics in Oz" by Jack Snow. My first Jack Snow book, which of course I am excited about. A freind of mine said that there are rumors that Jack was gay, so looking forward to reading that as soon as it arrives.

Also have to figure out the sleeping thing by tonight as when I went to lay down for my nap this afternoon I couldn't lay completely flat as I got to coughing really bad which made the pain unbearable and Jim said I was talking to somebody--who wasn't there, personally I don't remember that but do believe him about it.

Off to the doctors

Well both Jackie (my 6 year old Shi Itzu) and I are off to the doctor's tommorrow. Her for what I think is an eye infection, no idea how she got it but I noticed it late Saturday and her first eye infection in 3 years since having her, and me because I don't think I am over this Costochondritis and honestly I feel worse than before and now my back is killing me. I slept for 13 1/2 hours non stop on Fraiday night into Saturday morning and today I have not had any energy for anything and very very light headed as well--I am really over feeling so sick all the time.

first 2008 post

Things here have been quiet since Christmas

Christmas was small with family

Never really did get into the spirit of it

New Years Eve was quiet as well

we were in bed by 10:30

the last few days have been spent

being sick still

Will have to see the doctor

on Monday I believe

Why-----
.....Won't you let me in? You seem so far away all the time-- Should I try anymore?
.....Won't you talk to me about anything that really matters? Really open up to me
.......Do I feel so alone all them time?
.........Can't it be any different?

.........Has it taken me so long to say anything, would it make a difference?

We only have a short period of time that we call this life
It will be gone to soon

Will we say everything we have wanted to?

Will we have done everything we wanted to?

Can we make up for lost time?

Have I made that much of an impact?