A new day and----- a meltdown

Well the new pills haven't kicked in all that much yet but somehow I feel better knowing they will be. I was actually feeling rahter well this morning and wen down to my art studio were I was taking lessons to get some advice on a picture I am painting of Anna Nicole Smith. I was there maybe 15 minutes top and feel a little tired when I left but in all honeesty not any more than usual.

Came home rested for a bit had some lunch and around one a clock stood up to go to the restroom--took thre to four steps and fell. Took a good 5 minutes to get off the floor. Didn't really hurt anything but just stunned that I fell. Got up made my way to te rest rrom and back. Sat and rested for a bit and about a half hour later needed something more to drink stood up to a couple of steps and fell again.

This time much harder than the first and that is when my meltdown accord. I just laid on the floor sobbing uncontrobly fora godd 15 minutes, so much so I think I scared my dogs. Just these gut wrenching sobs. I am not exactly sure what came over me but once i started I just couldn't stop.

I crawled into the bedroom with the phones closed my bedroom door with my dogs in with me so I could keep an eye on them. Laid down and cried some more till I feel asleep. JIm called form work and I told him I feel twice, think I scared him which of course I didn't want to do. He got home at 3 and I was still in bed resting and sore from falling.

I don't even know why I write these here, or why I even mention them--but to some degree it helps getting these things off my chest. To let those of you close to me--into my heart and my life. To let you share in some of my most private emotions.

After readig Mother Teresa book of Secret letters I am beginning to feel that she is right. That suffering draws you closer to G-d even though you may not actually feel him near you or even really He doesn't exist. I felt so close to the feet of G-d laying on the floor the second just sobbing out to Him. HIm the only oone really hearing me--the only one really seeing me--the only one knowing the extent of my pain.

I hope all of you can possibly see that my heart in all reality longs to be close to G-d--not the one of dogma and religious constrictions but the one that we all worship, the one we all love, the one that Hindus and Jews a like pray to, the same G-d that loves and acepts us as we are.

As always I ask that you pray for at this time as I pray for all of you.
Charlie