the start of a cold?

Not much work done today
Felt absolutely awful after lunch
Tired fatigued, headachy
More than likely one of my "bad days"

Could be the start of what

Jim has had the last few days
Makes me glad I have

a safe home
A warm bed
A loving dog

a doting husband


Not sure if this is even on Broadway anymore
but the lyrics seemsed to fit my mood
here lately
I am NOT the boy next door
the exception to the rule
the rare find--

the true friend
devoted care giver

the only difference is I want

2 b the Boy Going to Oz

I want 2 B Rescued from

death by Glinda

I want my heart enlarged,

2 the point of bursting

my courage enriched,

where I could face anything

but where nothing

very serious happens

my brains challenged

Why can't they make TV like this anymore??

Monday thoughts

Well it came and gone
I couldn't get in the mood
Now matter how I tried
Thanskgiving Day for me
was uneventful

at best

8 hours of work today
Jim sick with a cold

he called off work

As well as tommorrow
One job almost finished
Yet I feel I haven't accomplished much

Haven't caught up

Can't see the end in sight

There comes a time
When U have 2
Take ur place in the sun
Free 2 B

A chance to create

without the guidelines
I have the chance

the right to choose
2 stand up & fight

Free 2 be what I want

Take my place in the skies
The war will B won

I won't B tired anymore

I won't B weak

LEAD.......

A Pre-thanksgiving visit

Today I went 2 visit U

You were there

in a way but in another

U were not

The ground holds your body

But not your soul or spirit

Almost 5 years have passed

Since I held you in my arms

& heard U call my name

I asked U 2day

How long

before I can hear

your voice

B in your arms

In the grand scheme

U told me not long

Am I missing what I have now?

Am I in the past?

Does 1 recover

from the pain?

The loss?

The grief?

I left with my soul

sobbing.

I have in many regards

so much 2 b thankful 4

but so much to B hurt

over as well---

Somedays it overwhelms

Days before thanksgiving

For me this song

has always been my favorite

since the very 1st time I heard it

It made me question everything

It made me believe

Can you understand me--

when all I have ever wanted

is to fly---soar even

This last week has been trying emotional 4 me

& in many respects I am not anywhere near

being emotionally ready for Thanksgiving.

The house full of people,

all the house work, all the cooking,

& being thankful----

while this last week

has been emotionally some of my lowest--

no real explanations for it--

maybe part of it was my birthday

was no big deal all the way around

& while 4 me--

I am the only person

from my core of friends

that are my age that were

diagnosed all those years ago

2 have lived to see 41--

but yet it doesn't matter--

to anyone--

& should it?

It seems like a struggle

just to stay ahead--

& I am tired of it

Some days I feel broke inside

but I won't admit to anyone
Sometimes I just want to hide

from everyone

'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard

to say goodbye when it comes to this
you looking back

Can I say here honestly--

I hate this time of the year
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes

and see

Happy Birthday 2 me

Happy Birthday 2 me

Where has the 41 years gone

Time seems 2 have slipped by

What have I really accomplished

What do I still want 2 do

Happy Birthday 2 me

16 years living with AIDS

Fatigue that this last week

has left me crippled

While everyone seems

2 have forgotten

I am another year older

Does it really matter?

Happy birthday 2 me

no cake

2 cards, 1 present

is it different than any other day?

Who know what I want

2 B a successful big time

doll designer

nothing more

I don't think I could take it
if I could not accomplish

one simple dream of

making it big

Maybe it time 2 come

in from the rain

maybe I need 2 use my life

the way i want because

i have lost so very much

41 years--

WHY?

As many of you know

the last posts are usually

the very thoughts that

I can not begin 2 put into words--

Doctors visit

Went 2 see the doctor yesterday

Asked about if I could B tested

4 Fibromyalgia

was told no real test 4 it

no real treatment 4 it

and that if I had it

2 learn 2 deal with it

I want a 2nd opinion

Today the fatigue was the worst

It has ever been

almost as bad as when I had

pneumonia last year

the aching is crippling

Maybe I need 2 go

2 the Mayo Clinic

and C a specialist

The doc I saw Wednseday

is running tests in January

for underactive thyroid

and a muscle

disinegrating disease

Why r we waiting

till 2008 though

what a day

Dropped the doll off
for the Akron Children's Hospital Christmas Tree Event
Stuck in traffic for an hour
because of an accident 3 lanes of
traffic closed--people using the burm
People at the event so very busy
trying to finish before the deadline
Set up the other tree here at the house so far three in total
More decorations to go up yet
More doll work--never enough though to gt ahead--
I swear to G-d
No end in sight

I'm ready to make the jump--this time without a net

I am not ever going to look back again

Only one way to go--Upward and forward

Going to claim it and make it my own--for once

Dysfunction and exceptions to the rules behind me FOREVER

No need for others to make my dreams to come true

I can do it on my own--just believe in me is all I ask

Just give me the chance to run through the open door

Its my time, the day has finally come

No longer bound to the ground, no more net

I am going to run my hands through the highest clouds

Going to make it hapen no matter what it takes

No matter the cost, no matter the sacrifice

No more living in the shadows

No more excuses

Can't stand in my way--

I will achieve

Faith is all that is required

No religion needed

No church attendance demanded

Just sheer unadultered faith

That I will fly

to heights only my G-d

can imagine and I want

Sacrifice it all

To a G-d who knows my all

and loves me anyway

Let's Defy Gravity and make our dreams come true

525, 600 minutes

How do you measure a year..... were do you begin to measure those moments and if they really mattered at all? Were all the miles that were marched really necessary? Seasons of love, are the people that you think are there for you, really there--- or is it a sheer illusion? Love solves many things, conquers many hurdles, how does my love measure really in love? Have I really advanced that far?

The last few days I have been really quiet--or so I am told--more so than normal and maybe it has some poeple worried but for me there seems to be no other way right now.

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Have I ever stopped being afraid? Have I said I am sorry enough? Have I worked long enough to get what I really want? Should I let it go and not want it anymore? Something has changed! Do I trust my instincts? I am tired of staying on the ground! I am way past expecting limits, somthing I HAVE to change, no more fears, no more worries, no more doubts. IT IS TIME TO DEFY GRAVITY!!!!!! This is my year, to make it all happen. I AM AS PPOWERFUL AS I THINK I AM!! 525,600 minutes and I want to be unlimited. 525, 600 minutes to fulfill my dreams. Sometimes all you need is yourself to DEFY GRAVITY!!

I hope you all can wish me every happiness as someone says "IT is me--look to the skies, everyone deserves the chance to FLY!

Some new thoughts

Well the weekend was very nice, but tiring as not use trying to keep up with an eight year old. My brother, nephew and I all went and saw "The Bee Movie" which was in all accounts very good for a young crowd as well as those of us who are older. Jokes the kids got and jokes that the adults got but were still funny for the kids as well.

Jim and I set up tree one of the three Christmas trees we usually set up for the holidays--its a 6 foot one that is covered in my 16 years of Hallmark Barbie Ornament collecting. I am one of those people who like to have all the Christmas decorations up and done before Thanksgiving so the holiday season can be rather seamless, I have been like that for years. I am also the type for very good friends of mine call me "Martha" in reference to Martha Stewart--in how I like to entertain, decorate and then there is the whole crafty thing as well. So meeting her last year for me was just and ENORMOUS Good Thing--and shared with her how friends call me "Martha" I can not believe it has been almost a year since meeting her.

This afternoon I spent 2 hours at the nursing home teaching some of the residents how to rubber stamp with stuff I had and then they got to keep the cards they made--it was really a nice change form the every day routine--There was doll work this morning as as is for most mornings. At times I wish I could break free from the repair part of it and just do my own type and style of dolls but I guess it will come in time.

This month as many of you know is my birthday--actually on the sixteenth and I will be 41 and although there is a very big part of me that is very grateful to be alive still the question is why--when so many of my friends living with AIDS never saw their 40th birthday. It makes me wonder what is there to achieve yet--what am I suppose to do yet that I have not done--how much longer have I got? How am I going to spend my time and will I ever make my hearts deepest wishes come true?

You may ask what that wish is--in all honesty for the longest time I thought I wanted to be a big successful doll designer and there is still a huge part of me that does want that--I want the comfortable life--at least financially comfortable part. I would also love the fame part of it and have wanted that aspect of it since I was a small child. I know I have the drive to make it happen--I just need that one chance, to have all my dreams come true. Will I ever get it--I don't know, would I give anything to have it--absolutely, positively no doubt in my mind at all--no questions asked!! I don't think it is all that much to ask in all honesty--others have and can get it, why shouldn't I?

There was a point in my life where I wanted nothing more than to big a huge success in the fashion design arena, and to some degree that would work as well--although today if given the chance I would kill to work for Broadway! Then there was the point were I wanted to be this huge successful Drag Queen/Female Impersonator and possibly work the incompressible Frank Marino at La Cage at the Mirage Hotel and Casino in Vegas--do I still have it--that is a good question--I haven't been in women's shoes in 5 years--I know if I did I could do it and still give anything to make it happen. Just give me a break somewhere!!


THE INCREDIBLE JIM BAILEY------- DIVA

I need to get better

You know I keep saying I am going to get better about this whole blogging thing--and then it stays the same. I feel like that at times there is so much that happens in a day that all of you miss out when I only write about it once a week. What I think I need to do is set time aside in the mornings or evenings and do nothing but this blog--so all of you can keep up with what is going on here--and I feel better about keeping you all informed.

First off--we here as of this morning finally got our killing frost and as of this morning when I went to take the dog for her walk I wore my winter coat for the first time---BBBBRRRRR!! I know it won't be long till snow flies. We also rearranged the furniture in the lving room so we can get ready to se the Christmas tree up--I am one of those people that have to have all the decorations up my Thanksgiving Day and in our house that means 3 trees! One of which is nearly 8 feet tall drenched in over 60 years of ornaments.

I go this Monday to the dentist for the first fitting of my partial--top plate 3 teeth--and I am looking really forward to it as I will be 3 teeth closer to a full set of teeth again. The E-bay sales this last go around seemed to slowa little but I am thinking with Christams less than 70 days away it will pick up soon.

We bit the bullet, as they say, this month and are making up all 3 house payments we were behind on as they were talking forclosing like they did over a year ago--but it also means next to nothing money wise for the whole month--unless I can get some serious doll work done. This in all reality is do-able but how much is the big question. The fatigue has still been really bad, I have even noticed when I go to walk the dog--and it isn't a huge wlk let me tell you--that I have to sit and rest about half way through it.

Last weekend, Jim and I as well as my mother, brother and my 8 year old nephew went to the circus--it was my nephew's first time and he had such a blast. We lucked out as tickets were $15 and we split the cost--which made very do-able. In December we go see Barry Manilow adn those tickets were a steal at $10.00 a piece but you had to drive into Cleveland to get them at that price--Last time we saw him it was the same price and he sang for almost 3 hours.

Yesterday I took my Mom to her Social Security hearing and she got approved for it finally and they are back dating it to 1998--I am so happy for them the insurance fees they have been paying for her to have medical have been awful but now she will be eligible for Medicaid/Medicare and a Social Security check. While in Cleveland yesterday I went and got tickets for "WICKED" and at $29.50 worth every penny--those were the cheapest seats available and I have been saving for months to get those--it is my birthday present to myself even though Wicked doesn't roll into town till February.

This weekend my brother and nephew are out and we are going to see the "Bee Movie" and then go through some things to see what they have for this winter--I would go more into detail what is going on there but at this time I still can't--but lets keep them in our thoughts and prayers. Part of why they are also out is this is my brothers only weekend off this month and we are celebrating my birthday early--as it is the 16th. Well until tommorrow kids.