I haven't posted "my thoughts" in a while and I thought today would be the day to do that--let you my readers inside my head.
There are times in my life that I have wanted to be so much more than what I am, what I have been, that many times it is maddening. If I am to be honest with all of you I hate to the very core of my being where I come from and who I was.
It didn't really sink in that, that was one of the things bothering me. I hate how I grew up--poor, ill educated, in a religious cult, hating the physical house I grew up in and how I feel it has left me ill equipped my entire life.
I feel all the time that I HAVE to prove myself, prove my worth, prove that my work is worth it, prove that I myself am worthwhile. Sad isn't it--it has been that way my entire life--and I am tired of it!
It has felt like something big is going to happen in my life the last 2 or 3 years and yet nothing that big has happened. Yes, my last results and the Cleveland Clinic visit changed my entire life and I am going to school next week but it still feels like there is something more--much more!
I have wanted my life to make a difference, change things, get people thinking out side of the box and for me to finally be successful--to matter. I get tired of chasing rainbow's and pipe dreams and people saying they will do something, help me change something in my life and then it NEVER happens. Why bother me, if you didn't me it, why get my hopes up, why do I feel like I have to beg for them to follow through?
I think most of all I want people to recognize my talent--if it is even a talent. A person can not be this artistic, this creative, this well "endowed" with the gift to learn that NOTHING becomes of it. that facet of my life has been my entire life--the creative, the energetic, the devoted, the committed.
There are times in my life that I have wanted to be so much more than what I am, what I have been, that many times it is maddening. If I am to be honest with all of you I hate to the very core of my being where I come from and who I was.
It didn't really sink in that, that was one of the things bothering me. I hate how I grew up--poor, ill educated, in a religious cult, hating the physical house I grew up in and how I feel it has left me ill equipped my entire life.
I feel all the time that I HAVE to prove myself, prove my worth, prove that my work is worth it, prove that I myself am worthwhile. Sad isn't it--it has been that way my entire life--and I am tired of it!
It has felt like something big is going to happen in my life the last 2 or 3 years and yet nothing that big has happened. Yes, my last results and the Cleveland Clinic visit changed my entire life and I am going to school next week but it still feels like there is something more--much more!
I have wanted my life to make a difference, change things, get people thinking out side of the box and for me to finally be successful--to matter. I get tired of chasing rainbow's and pipe dreams and people saying they will do something, help me change something in my life and then it NEVER happens. Why bother me, if you didn't me it, why get my hopes up, why do I feel like I have to beg for them to follow through?
I think most of all I want people to recognize my talent--if it is even a talent. A person can not be this artistic, this creative, this well "endowed" with the gift to learn that NOTHING becomes of it. that facet of my life has been my entire life--the creative, the energetic, the devoted, the committed.
What do I want-- I want someone to say "Hey kid, your great and we want you to....." and than turn my life upside down, inside out and help me fulfill those dreams of success. Is it asking to much? Will it happen? I feel the key is in my talent somehow......
Your thoughts?
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