When the pain of longing is so great

Some of you may notice the new "widget" in the side bar of my blog "365 Gay Headlines" it was in another blog I read and I was intrigued and felt that it was something that I wanted in mine so I added it--I hope you take some time and read some of the linked stories--let me know what you think.

Well yesterday was absolutely the worst day I have had this week and in all honesty in along time. The pains in my chest were the worst they have been since this whole thing started and even though I was up at 6:30 a.m and was unsteady on my feet I did manage something to eat and to take my pills but I was back in bed by 9 and was in bed the entire day either sleeping or resting--not much of a difference there for me to tell you the truth.

To tell you the truth not what caused all of that or if it is because I have felt so lousy. Honestly, I am somewhat concerned that if this is the way it is going to be for the long haul--am I up to it. It just seems so dark right now. I am however struggling through and trying to read "Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light: The Private Writings of the "Saint of Calcutta"" by Brian Kolodiejchuk.

I want to share with all of you one of the most profound things I have read so far.

".....This terrible sense of loss-this untold darkness-this loneliness this continual longing for G-d-which gives me pain deep down in my heart- Darkness is such that I really do not see- neither with my mind nor with my reason- the place of G-d in my soul is blank-There is no G-d in me-when the pain of longing is so great--I just long & long for G-d- and there it is that I feel-He does not want me-He is not there-...G-d does not want me--Sometimes---I just hear my own heart cry out- "My g-d" and nothing else comes--The torture and pain I can't explain--"

The day I read that I just sobbed with every fiber of my being till there was nothing left in me. My soul has never felt so connected to another in such a very long time. It is like knowing some one understood the pain, the sorrow, the grief, the loss and the sheer utter loneliness that has been in my heart, in my soul and in my mind for years. It is if my pain finally had a window that could be seen into by people from the outside.


I know I have blogged here for a while but I wonder are people really reading what I am writing? Do people even care what I am saying, what is happening? Do they not know what to say or how to respond and therefor say nothing? Did they stop coming back and reading what I am writing because they got tired of some of the repetition in my posts? Do they not want to face their own fears? Or were they simply never that close to begin with? I may never know.


At the time I started this journey writing I felt it would be a tool for those in my life and those close to me to read what I was experiencing, how may day was going, what new "works" had I been doing--a chance to really get to know the real me--uncensored, honest, raw. I felt and still feel that there are people out that want that kind of relationship with someone, they silently crave it--they just may be afraid to ask for it. It is as if all we need to do is knock on the door and wait for it be opened.

Well I guess for now I will close and will post what I find out tomorrow from my bone scan, in the mean time I hope you all will keep me in your prayers as you are in mine.

Charlie