Thoughts of today

I am a gigantic believer in the idea that our past experiences, our past lives, and the things we have learned along the way have made what we are as people today.  I think some people may disagree with me on this, but I really in the depths of my soul know beyond a doubt that without our pasts we are nothing.

I am not talking about living in the past, or not accepting ad embracing what we have currently.  What I am saying is we can not forget where we come from, and what we are made of.  It can be a wonderful experience, it can be happiness and rainbows but it also be very painful and be a real big stinking bitch as well.

Today would have been my 18th wedding anniversary to Ron, and I know many of you would say "Charlie, you have Jim, embrace what you have" and I can accept that and I understand where you are coming from but my thought today is without that meeting, and without that 10 year relationship I would not even be here today.

When I met Ron, my doctor said I had a year or less to live.  I was very ill, I weighed a mere 128 pounds and kids a size 27 inch waist on me was scary as hell.  I changed my diet almost the minute I moved in with Ron.  I added alternative therapies to my life.  I changed doctors, changed my medications and for the second time in my life went into rehab.  My drug of choice up until that point was painkillers and vodka.  I was a mess, and I frankly if I have to be honest didn't give a shit.

We lived together a year before we had our commitment ceremony. Even though it was over 100 degrees that day and I was in the hospital emergency room with kidney stones that week, that day all these years later is still as vivid in my mind as if it were yesterday.  It wasn't easy trying to find who I was living with AIDS then.  Frankly it wasn't so much about living with AIDS as it was in my mind, "I am dying from AIDS".  I literally thought it would or could happen at any moment.  Emotionally I think I was worse than I was physically and somehow, someway Ron saw past all that and saw the person I could be.

We had our share of problems, he was a workaholic and I, well I was and in many ways still am co-dependant.  I wasn't happy if he wasn't happy.  I was a "stay at home wife" and was happy doing nothing more than that.  We entertained quiet a bit all those years and we could have those long, meaningful talks that lasted for hours that frankly I miss the most.  I have been hard pressed to find that kind of openness since then.

He was so handsome at the end of the aisle that day, his smile so big as he stomped on the wine glass as our friends cheered Mazel Tov.  We laughed so much that day, its the big thing I remember all these years later.  Unfortunately a lot of those friendships didn't last, some moved away, some moved one, some even died-- I don't think other than my family there is anyone in my life right now that was there that day.  That hurts beyond words and it makes my heart heavy.

It was 7 months short of our 10th anniversary when he died, and it wasn't just losing a partner it was literally losing my very best friend.  He knew me inside and out, he knew things no one else has ever known about me since.  When he died we were the type of couple that could and often did complete each others sentences.  The bottom fell out and watching him literally wither away before my eyes.  I can not begin to describe the kind of pain that leaves on your soul.  The man you share a life with dying weighing only 95 pounds and not being able to communicate in any way the last 6 days of his life.

Somehow life goes on, how I am still trying to figure out.  I never want to forget where I have been, what it has made out of me and how very much I cherish what I have now.  Jim thinks I cling to much to this kind of thinking as wellas to the past and that I miss what is right in front of me.  I tend to think it enriches it.

Would I do it all over again knowing exactly what I know now---without a doubt yes!  People cross our lives and they leave if we are lucky their imprints in our lives and I was and am deeply blessed for those who have touched my life.  Happy Anniversary---------------