Eat, Pray, Love Response and a very long night

I want to start this blog with my personal promised response to the movie "Eat, Pray, Love'.  I  walked away from this incredible movie with this very simple realization, that one my biggest life obstacles is that I have not been able to forgive myself.  You may ask, forgive yourself of what?  This may some crazy to some of you but there is a very short list of things that I feel I need to forgive myself  of.

1.  I need to forgive myself that I made some major wrong decisions that led to my becoming HIV positive.  I know by saying that, that I have opened the very inner workings of my soul to all of you my readers.  That this admission leaves me very vulenerable.  I was after Michael died, and I was 22, in a very physically, emotionally, physically and sexually abusive relationship taht lasted ten months.  At one point I was locked and barricaded into a broom closet for four dayswith nothing.  That kind of abuse leaves you believeing the lies you are told about yourself.  For me it also left me needing to prove to myself I was not only attractive but also needed, and loved even if it was just for that brief moment of being in another's arms.  It left me thelowest I have ever been.

2.  This one I feel is much bigger than the previous one and that is forgiving myself that I have simply have survived when nearly all of my HIV positive friends have not.  Death in itself is something none of us can escape, everyone sooner or later does it.  Death also though takes something from those of us who suffer the loss of someone near to us.  Multiply that feeling  by hundreds and you can begin to understand how devasted and empty it leaves you.  You can begin to see how survivors guilt begins.  I am not saying I want to die, I am saying that for me it has been difficult understanding why I haven't and than trying to figure out the purpose I need to accomplish.

This is my response to "Eat, Pray, Love" that I need to forgive themost important person in my life, me!  By forgiving myself I can fully be my authentic self.

Last night was a very long night as I spent it at Mercy Hospital Emergency Room with another round of Kidney stones in the nearly 20 year sof living with AIDS I have had kidney stones now19 times.  all medication related and somehow I have passed them all.   Wearrivedat 10:30 p.m. last night and finally got home at 6 a.m. What a night!  A brand new medication for the pain and a contact to see a new doctor and I say this because I hoping you all will join me in praying tha I pass it before the end of the month when school starts.  Well until next time, I am so glad we had this time together.