Chapter 7 of "A New Earth"

Well I sort of kept everyone hanging about "A New Earth" by Eckart Tolle and the last three chapters, so I wanted to take the time and let you in on some of what I had learned while reading this book and taking the online class with Oprah Winfrey, which is now in summer sessions--so you can still watch the webcasts.

Chapter 7

Eckart had suggeted in the clas of making a list of "Who I am not" which basically means the things you are not like selfish, self absorbed and so on then also a list of the things what I am not--could be something as simple as---- I am not artistic. As well as making a list of the things you are--loving, caring, supportive and so so, for all the catorgies list as many as possible. This one really opened my eyes.

"Knowing yourself deeply has nothing to do with whatever ideas are floating around in your mind. Knowing yourself is to be rooted in Being, instead of lost in your mind". page 186

Being sacred is being in the now. You are the observer of everything going on aroud you, you literally the witnessing presence.

"I am never upset for the reason I think" Being upset about the situation does nothing. What is more important is "What can I do".

Suffering happens because you refuse to accept the now-----

I am going to stop with this one as I want to talk a little about this from my perspective and especially the last few days I have been through. I feel that what Eckart is trying to say that by living in the past, with all of those wonderfully rich memories and instances may for a while be an OK thing but in the long run it causes pain because the situations we are dwelling on are gone, never to be repeated. In those moments we had something magical---the now but by remaining in the past we can not see the now either.

While if all we are focused on is the future than we maybe sadly disappointed that in some cases the future never arrives--the I will quit........... tomorrow, I start............. tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes. Or we plan for this really incredible experience and then the experience is not what we expected it to be.

Suffering has it real pain, that can destoy a person from the inside out. I am not just talking just physical suffering here I am also taking about a spiritual suffering and emotional suffering as well. A suffering that is profound and so deep that it rips the very core of who are out of is, leaving us with absolutely nothing for anyone including ourselves. A darkness that engulfs everything we do, everyone we meet, everywhere we go.

I think there are so many people that are exactly in this position for one reason or another just seeking a divine answer if you will. Something that will make them stop long enough to realize where they are and why. I think for me right now this book has done that--it has made me stop and realize I was, and to a degree still, in the abyss of suffering.

I invite you to share your toughts about suffering with me and maybe even with those that do read this blog, maybe somewhere along the way we all learn something to help us cope.

Chapter 7 of "A New Earth"

Summer Break--- A simpler time

You know that last week of school, when we were children and we literally counted down the minutes till summer break? Remember how the time seemed to drag on and we thought the last day would never come, ever? Than it was those hot hazy days of picnics, going to the beach, amusement parks, getting a tan, the county fair and it was all sadly over. The days of summer break had somehow flown by with out our knowing it.

Well today July 16, 2008 is a mix of both of those days. I woke up this morning, that yes indeed, I had made the hurdle and at 7:45 a.m. I have officially 17 years living with AIDS. The time has flown by like those childhood summer breaks we used to have, except there has been just brief moments---- of the beach, the circus-- those moments of sheer happiness are what makes that time stand out clear as they were yesterday. Those are the moments I cherish with my every being, that I cling to like a child does to his teddy bear, maybe that's why I collect them.



Then there are also those moments of anger, sorrow, despair, unbelievable pain and sadness. The kind that comes lurking int he middle of the night like the "boogie man" that lived our under beds and we knew was going to cause us nightmares unless our parents chased him away. The problem is the "boogie man" under the bed is a real thing, something that in moments of fear has made our nightmares true.

Somehow, somewhere G-d in his/her wisdom knew for some reason I was built to survive this for the long haul, while literally everyone I knew ---that was in my small world of gay friends-- was dying or already dead. Literally pages of names, dates and obituary notices. But yet somehow I have had the strength and courage to continue on, in a holocaust of the heart and soul.



Places that have become etched in my mind like eternal memorials if you will, as real as the Vietnam War Memorial or even Lincoln's Memorial. A building or store front on the street that reminds me of a person who has been gone for years. The wonderful silly time we had, those heart rendering moments of truth and in some instances facing the horrific--their demise. In many instances I can still see their faces and her their voices in the dark recesses of the night.

The problem though with this picture is the other half of this picture when the "summer break" is over and we all go back to school. In other words when we see in the headlines "A Cure Found: Millions Rejoice" and we have the life we had before we ever heard the words HIV/AIDS.

I am not saying I want a time when we were foolish and did what ever we want, with whom ever we want, where ever we want. I am talking about a time that we felt more secure, more safe, more trusting in a future we knew would be there for us. A time we could retire and enjoy "the good life" whatever that meant to each of us.



When our friends would gather around and say "You remember when....." and the room would fill with roars of laughter at our silliness and childish behaviour. When we no longer had to attend a funeral for man in his thirties who was ripped to shreds by a disease that we could not cure or even at the time manage while his family was ripped apart at the seams half loving him, half hating him because of his life style.

It has been on my mind so much lately, the sheer magnitude of what this disease has caused in the lives of the people it reaches into. The sheer force of what this disease is, it no regards of race, religion, color, creed, wealth or religion, it just marches on and takes its course in many different ways in many different people. Some of which are in my shoes, some of which the story is even much worse--that is who my heart goes out to the most.

All By Myself................................

Some days I don't need words to say what is the deepst things in my hearts of hearts.....

My deepest thoughts for the day

If you have been reading my blog than you know I have been reading "Chronicle of A Plague, Revisted: AIDS and its Aftermath" by Andrew Holleran. I did a post with a few quotes from his book because I felt it spoke volumnes of what I have been trying to figure out for years. With that said I would like to share some more with you this morning........

"Looking at some of the guests I can tell which ones are celibate; which ones are having less, more cautious sex; and which ones are going right on with the ld ways. It has nothing to do with one's degree of personal exposure to the dying; it has to do with temperament, with the way different minds respond to the same facts. We face each other, after all, over freshly dug graves. There are ghosts among us. We are teh actresses who meet in the ruined theater in Follies. We're teh tourists who have been admited to an exhibit of our own former lives".

"Were AIDS a disease which one contracted, brought death within forty-eight hours of exposure, it would be far more easily avoided illness-but because it is not, because it is invisible, unknown, for such a long period of time, because it is something people got before they even knew it existed (with each passing year, the time gets longer), the Fear of AIDS is limitless....There's a memory--of an evening, an incident--to justify every fear. And nothing exists that will guarntee the fearful that even if they are functioning now they will not get caught in the future".

This topic has been on my mind so much the last few days, and that is why I haven't posted more, it seems at moments to invade cell of thought I have. I have been in so many ways so blessed beyond words--loving, caring supportive parents, same for my brother who was in the very early years of my own illness my rock and salvation. As far as my love life I have been gifted with three very wonderful and supportive men who have loved me more than I can begin to describe. My health the last 5 years has has it severe downs and than leveled off to where I am better. I have a nice home with Jim, a business that is doing fairly well considering the economy, two incredibly loving Shi Itzu's. As a freind pointed out last night--who could ask for anything more.

So many of my gay friends never made it past two years with this illness, so many never lived to 40 and many have never had as well as I have. Thats where this idea of this disease being international hit me--the starving, dying child on a dirt floor who parents have already been killed by AIDS with no doctor, no hopital, no medicines, no home and NO HOPE! It just overwhelms me that yes we have come so far in twenty years but we have so far to go yet as well, and I hope to live long enough to see it.

New Med's

Well the news at the doctor's wasn't so hot as you can guess by the title of this post. The old medications I grew resistant too and were not working any longer so he prescribed three new medications which I have now been on a week.

The first one I have been on before but helps boost one of the others he prescribed. This drug is called Norvir which if I remeber right made me awful nauseous.

The second one is brand spanking new and is call Isentress. It has been on the market only a month now but is the newest format in which they are fighting AIDS. This drug is suppose to be fighting the virus cell from the inside of the cell out, something till now has not been done.

The last one is called Przista and attacks the virus cells from the outside goin inward which in combination of the previous drug will allegedly kill the virus cell completely, which until know has not been either.

If it sounds confusing it is--at least for me and while the temperature here is hovering between high 80's to 100 degrees and all these new medications I have not been the best camper. Very nauseous mos tof the time, looking at food makes my stomach turn sour and there are some rather intense headachs as well. But so far nothing the doctor hasn't worn me about. It does make trying to get doll work done hard but I am hoping this will pass in an other week and half.

Jim is schedudled for catarac surgery Monday so I ask you keep him your prayers and then the following week he has his other eye done.

Otherwise things have been just busy as usual and now with laying down in the middle of the afternoon becaus I am so naseous the day just seems to fly by. Hope all of you had a safe and wonderful Fourth of July and as always I ask that you keep me in your prayers.

Some thoughts for today

I am reading this book called "Chronicle Of A Plague, Revisted: AIDS and Its Aftermath" by Andrew Holleran and I wanted to share some of the very profound and touching passages I have read today. It speaks volumnes of things I have had no words to say. So with that said..............

"AIDS quickly converted people in their twenties into old men who were blind, mad, wasting away, racked with fevers, chills, pneumonia, diaherrea, Kapposi Scarcoma, dementia, and other diseases made possible by a total breakdown in the immune system....I wrote, I felt like attending a dinner party at which some of the guests were being taken outside and shot, while making small talk. Let me update this: AIDS worked its way through.... with the malicious eye of the sectarians in Iraq--assaniating, it seemed, all the best people first".

"The final balkanization of gay life, however, was that some of us lived, others died. "How wonderful it will be," a friend of mine said to me one evening in the seventies, "when we get old--we'll all go from house to the other visting!" BUt friendships that would have evolved over time were tested by AIDS long before old age could. AIDS made people ask" What are we to one another? ....Walking into a hospital and identifying oneself to the person at the desk, the word "friend" sounded flimsy. Then there was the final breach as you watched your friends burning up in a furance you could not enter. What a way to end one's life! Did it seem like life's final penalty for being homosexual"?

"It still seems a scandal that an item scientists do not even define as living-- a microbe that can't paint angels, trumpets, clouds, or gods upon a ceiling--can devour a creature who can. It still seems a reproach that a virus can return us from the twentieth century to the Stone Age".

With those few simple thought I want to leave you tonight with my love, my prayers and my support as always my friends I think of you warmly, fondly and very often. After all "I'm here"..............................

July 4th Weekend

Well I wanted tot take the time and tell all of you that I hope you are having a wonderful July 4th weekend. This one for us has been my family was down yesterday for a cook out with had with the neighbors and friends there in total about 30 people at their home. So many people, so much food and my lord the booze. it was every where.
By night fall it was time for the fireworks that neighbors shot off--the same one's with all the food, people and booze-- almost a full hour of fireworks and none of this sissy stuff. It was just as nice as our towns Canal Days Fireworks and in all actually even better. Rumor has it three of them went in together and bought them all and rumor has a total value of damn near $2,000 in fireworks. It was such a nice time.

Today the party at the neighbors continues with Pulled Pork Sandwiches and even more company for them. Yesterday I made a Touch Down Taco Dip, A Spinach Seafood dip with pumpernickel bread, and nacho chips and took 30 cans of BEER. Today it is a Lobster pizza I made served could with a sour cream/mayo/cream cheese base and cocktail sauce over that with cucumbers, green onions and shredded cheese, Jim and I then made about 30 homemade donuts and took over there for everybody for breakfast and last but not least Paula Deen's Corn Casserole.

New today in the paper also mention that Conservative Seantor Jesse Helms has died yesterday rather peacefully in a nursing home. Some of you may remember him from his days as a senator cutting funding for the arts, and AIDS and many other worth while causes. The biggest fight though was in the arena of AIDS and his obstinate stance against doing anything for "those worthless faggots, who got what they deserved". I find it so ironic in a way that he died so peacfully when in all reality between him and Ronald Reagan so many people in the USA died horribly from a disease they felt we deserved.

Well I will get off my soap box and finish by saying I hope that the Helms family kind find peace in this their time of loss and somehow get to the point where they are paying it forward as some people say.


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17 days to go----talk of loss--some gains

As many of you may already know July 16th marks the 17th anniversary of the day I found I was HIV+. While also in under a year of being diagnosed I was told I was Full Blown AIDS. How or exactly why i have survived that long is beyond me but I do want to talk a little about some of the loss over the last 17 years.........

I lost my first boyfriend to AIDS, than called GRID (Gay Realted Immune Deficiency) when I was only 18 years old. At the time I thought it was going to destroy me and at the time I turned then to drugs--mainly pain pills, sleeping pills and uppers along with booze to cover the massive amoutn of pain

I lost my first lover to AIDS who died in my arms when I was not quite 21--actually one month short which sent me into an emotional tail spin which put me into Betty Ford and into almost 9 years of therapy after having had my stomach pumped twice and two suicide attempts. It was the lowest I have ever been, and the scary thing is I saw no way out. To do this very day I realistically say I understand why I turned where I did and am to a degree surprised I didn't turn full tilt to it again when Ron died.

I lost Ron---and many of you know this first hand--will be six years ago this December 21st and in many regards I feel I lost a HUGE part of myself with him. I know that I have Jim in my life and I am grateful for that but, my friends it isn't quiet the same for some reason. Which I really at this time do not want to get into and may over the next few days.

In the nearly 24 years since I lost my first boyfriend to AIDS I have seen over 600 freinds, people I worked with, acquantainces, clients of New Hope--which we ran for damn near 10 years die.

I am the only one in the group of friends that were my age when I was diagnosed who lived to see 40, I am the only left from that group. Of 25 of us in the very first support group for people living with AIDS--there is as of today only 5 of us counting me left.

I feel to a huge degree I lost my innocence, I lost who I REALLY was and am.

The one huge gain out of this whole affair is that I know what I will and will not tolerate from people who I consider "close freinds" and those people I have adopted as family. My biggest concern as of now is there is this terrible sense fo being utterly alone, unheard and that I for some reason do not have the kind of relationship with anyone like I had with Ron.

One that is completely open, completely honest, fun, cherishing the now and maybe to some degree what we did have in my mind's eye has gotten jaded over the years. But I would give anything to have it again--ANYTHING!

Some thoughts today

I first wanted to make you aware that Heinz--the famous Ketchup people had a wonderful commericial in Europe that was pulled because "some people" found it offensive-- I find it refreshing. it is listed below..........



If you find this ad to be as nice as I did I encourage you to call Heinz and ask them to reintroduce this commericial and bring it to the USA. In the meantime gay advocates have asked for a boycott of Heinz and their products.

Heinz
1 PPG Place, Ste. 3100
Pittsburgh, PA 15222-5448
Phone: 412-456-5700

This month has been another good one repair wise for me and was again over the $1,000 mark which is a relief and we are beginning to cath up. I go to the docotr's on Wednesday for test results to see if my meds are working or not as the numbers have been up and down so I ask that you keep me in your prayers.



I also wanted to post that Jim and I went and saw "Jersey Boys"--again the cheap seats seats--but I wanted to encourage all of you if "Jersey Boys" comes to your area GO SEE IT! Well worth every penny and especially if you love Frankie Valli.

This year I have so far enjoyed summer more than any other recent year and it has been nice--I just got to the point where I felt that life was just to damn short to miss it. And the only one to change it was me, and no more morrying about everything else.

It happens tomorrow

Well this morning my dad, my brother, my nephew andI went to Roger' Flea Market in Rogers, Ohio near the Ohio River and had a very nice time and a wonderfully rich conversation as well. Such a nice day, but Oy do my feet hurt as this Flea Market is one of Ohio's LARGEST. Tomorrow is Cleveland Gay pride my 20th that I have attended and like I said a few posts back a mile stone as it marks another year living with AIDS in July.

I have been very blest in all honesty and for that I am forever grateful--it has been a very full, enriching and wonderful life so far--wonder the next 17 years hole :) Haven't decided yet what I will be wearing yet but I am sure it will be something that will be comfy in the beautiful weather we have had the last few days. Or kids, should I make a fashion statement??

Some thoughts for today

This month and next have always been a struggle for me

Gay pride a big part of the month,

celebrating who and what I am.

Fighting for the rights we damn well deserve,

and are long past due in my opinon.

Acquantances who feel it isn't their "thing" to join

in with the march and festival

but want the same rights we all do as gays.

What irks me to no end is some of these people

are in postions they wouldn't have in the first

place if it hadn't been for Gay Pride and Stonewall.

Living with AIDS now for almost 17 years.

Everyone around either already dead

or dying before my eyes

and many of the issues 20 years

later are still the same.

Fighting for the right to be accepted for who I am,

what I am

and what I have

NO QUESTIONS ASKED!

A Pre-Daddies day wish

Gay, straight, married, divorced or single and even step-fathers--Happy Father's day to all the men lucky enough to have children in their lives.



My Father

We were never really close when I was growing up.

You were always working andwhen you weren't

there was never anytime for me.

We never really had anything in common like most father's and sons.

I made an effort a few times and it never made a difference.

I grew to resent you not wanting to be

part of my overall life.

I never heard you say--- till I was 38--- that you loved me.

I never felt you hug me---- till I was 38.

Telling you I was gay was one of the hardest

things I ever had to do, but I knew I had too.

Telling you I had AIDS was even worse.

But when I did I expected we would only have

2 years left together--we have had so much more than that.

Hearing you tell me you had cancer was something

I never expected.

It changed everything over night,

it changed very little in the long run.

I respect that man that you tried to be,

the home, the food and the things I needed

growing up

But I needed you more as

my dad--my friend

than as my father.

I'll always love you

and have never been able to say it to you.

I needed to say these things to you this year,

even if it is in this space, and in a place

that you will never see it but I

feel better now having said it.

Happy Father's Day---- Dad

Let's get funky

Just love the month of June and Gay Pride--as bette Midler says "If you got it flaunt it, honey".

Happy Birthday JUDY-- we love you

I wanted to take the time and wish a very happy birthday to the late great Judy Garland who was born yesterday and who would be 86 years old (born June 10, 1922). We will always love ya Judy.

A great actress, an incredible singer, gay icon, and a beauty in her own right. Gone way, way to soon!

As they said in "Will and Grace"----- "Judy, Barbra and Bette these are names we shan't ever forget ".

By the kids, the "Youtube" video is from the talented Darren Stewart-Jones the "Like Judy" mp3 is available for free from myspace.com/darrenstewartjones -

Ever have one of those days?

Well I did find out what my rash is it is Eczema and Hives lucky me and with it nearly a hundred degrees that last four days I have been somewhat of a big ole grump to put it politely.

I do have medication for it thankfully as of today ad hopefully it does go away and soon. The doll work has suffered as in the sewing room all I have is a big box fan in the window. I want to buy an air conditioner for it but we have to buy a new stove first. They want a hundred dollars for a new element and one burner and for an extra $100 we can damn near have a brand new stove. actually $219 at Home Depot so I go tomorrow to buy the gift cards for Home Depot at Giant Eagle so I can get the fuel perks for buying my stove. Have to save the money on gas somehow you know.

Been doing a lot of grilling outdoors this year and trying to watch what I eat as the doctor siad I need to lose about 15 pounds, so am trying to. Hope all of you are well and to let you all know you are in my thoughts and prayers often.

June ramblings

Well, this morning started with me trimming the bushes at the parish next door as I went to Mass Sunday, I figured G-d didn't care were I went as long as I went. Anyway they had a post about the bushes needing trimming badly and well I was the boy to do it. 2 and half hours and 4 garbage cans later of clippings I was beat but the bushes look fantastic.

The rest of my day was waiting on customers coming in for pick ups and errands so by the end of the day I was beat. Hopefully tomorrow I can get a little more doll work done that I just never seemed to get to today.

This month is also Gay Pride month and the anniversary of the death of Icon Judy Garland so I am sure a lot of my Youtube posts are going to be related to the 2. Speaking of Icons Yves Saint Laurent has died one of the greats in fashion and also a gay man, although part was played down considerably and dying after a "long illness". Makes me wonder-----AIDS? Evening news said Cancer but one still has to wonder.

End of May

This first picture of yours truly with Mark Dennis http://www.mad-sculptor.com/ our teacher for the sculpting class and the lady closet to the frame is Irene (Barb Felt's mother)

I know I have been bad again here about posting to the blog and for that I do apologize. My schedule has been rather busy with gardening, housework, and of course the never ending doll work as well still trying to adjust to some meds I am on. Don't get me wrong I do love the business and I guess it keeps me out of trouble--it does however help pay the bills .

This second picture again courtesy of Barb Felt as I forgot my camer, dopey me huh. I swear at times I would lose my head if it weren't attached.

I did set up an area in my sewing room to sculpt dolls and I have started a new sculpt that is very slowly coming along. I also set up what will be a new additionalroom for my ever growing doll collection. Between what few I buy and the ones I get as gifts and a few very generous customers that know my taste really well I am to the point were the one room is bursting at the seems.

My iris's are in bloom in the back yard as well as the poppies are just starting to open, there are little itty bitty starts to grapes on the grape vines we have and we finally got some much needed rain last night thankfully. Hopefully everything we planted does well.

Well for now I will close as I took some pain pills and they are making me groggy at best

Home from Washington Boro

Well gang I am sorry for the lack of posts but I was gone from Tuesday through Sunday of last week at Mark Dennis' Sculpting Class in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. The drive through the majority of Pennsylvania was beautiful and yes long 10 hours from my house to his but so worth the drive.

If any of you get the chance to take it class--DO IT!!! It is intensive but you learn so much and you walk away with a sculpted 18 inch doll. The direct link to his web site is http://www.mad-sculptor.com/ I have to take pictures of it yet to post here, which I am sure all of you are all excited to see.

On my way home I did stop in Gettysburg which if you take Route 30 from there home to gettysburgh is about an hour and half and stopped at my newest favorite store, Boyds Bear Country. Oh my gosh 4 floors of teddy bears over 7,000 of them according to the brochure. Again worth the effort. I spent about an hour there and was in teddy bear overload.

It is good being home and yesteray was spent doing doll repair trying to get some jobs closer to being done and also set up a new table made from an old door and two dresser drawers to have a place to scuplt it is in my sewing room and against a window so I can see the outside world from time to time.

I do have my first idea for my new sculpt which I have the armature already started and I am so excited about, it is like geting a breath of fresh air in the doll arena for me. I actually have a few ideas floating around in my head. But I am so glad all of you have joined me in reading this blog and plaing apart in my life. at times it does get lonely and feeling like I have no one to talk to but then I realize I do have Jim and all of you who read this, So for that I am very thankful

Ok I found this in a website blog I visit of a gay artist and thought this was way to fun--the mood i am in! Hope you all enjoy as much as I did!!

Thoughts of the day

This last week has been one of some struggle. Struggle in trying to stay present in the now, and not letting worry, stressing out, staying focused on the work instead of all the work I need to do.


The fatigue and soreness has been a real issue also this week and it has been hard this week to relaize I am not those things, it is only what I am feeling, it has gotten to the point where to a degree it has me somewhat depressed. The conversations I have don't seem to be as real, as honest, as connected, as present.


I go tomorrow to have blood work done for my upcoming doctor visit, so everybody keep your fingers crossed that it all goes well.


As far as the doll work I have been doing last month I got more accomplished in a period of a month (being this last one) than I have been able to do in any month in nearly 2 years. I feel good about it to a degree but I also realize in all reality it hasn't changed much of "the reality" and that my firends has been a hard thing to face. I am having a hard time seeing how in the grand scheme of things that it has made the difference.


As always I continue to ask you to pray for me.


From Chapter 7 of "A New Earth"


1). When everything is removed, what of me is left? The formless can be more powerful than those in form. It is a matter of Who I am not and what am I not.


2). "Knowing yourself deeply has nothing to do with whatever ideas are floating around in your mind. Knowing yourself is to be rooted in Being, instead of lost in your mind". Page 186


3). Being sacred is being in the now.


4). I am never upset for the reason I think. Being upset about it does nothing. What is more important is what can I do.


5). Suffering happens because we refuse to accept the now.


6). True sensitivity comes when you are absolutely present in the situation and see this is how it is and totally face the situation as it is and when that comes----so does enormous sensitivity.

The other thing I want to say to those new to this site and my writings is for the most part that the ending Youtube posts are a big in depth look inside my thoughts and feelings------------

"You can't now how much I missed the fairytale adventures--we were young together.... I have come home at last