Comment from a very good friend

I wanted to take the time and post a response I got from a very good freind Christina--I felt it said so beautifully what I have been saying the last few days----

I was catching up on your blog and thinking about our conversation a few days ago. I know that this holiday has been hard it seems finding that "feeling" of Christmas is hard. But I have found over the last few days thinking back on Christmas' past that it didn't seem like Christmas much then either.

It was in the looking back on the day, the foods we had, the gifts exchanged, the moments shared with loved ones that it seemed more like Christmas. I think we so look forward to getting "somewhere, anywhere" special that we forget the journey. It's that way with Christmas! We get so caught up in the rush of the preparations "having to get things done, things having to get bought" that we forget to enjoy the simple moments while we waiting for that day to arrive.

Much like that mad rush we are always in to get off that train and enjoy that thing called life. But life is made in the moments not at arriving at the destination. For the destination is death.

I saw you had posted about Mother Theresa and her personal * feeling* of emptiness of faith in her life, on your blog. I think that anyone seeking out the real God "not the so called TV evangelist, or the fear mongering, money grubbing pastors" is going to feel alone on most of that journey. Those TV pastors, and those mega churches, are like actors on a stage. They know how to play a crowd of people to get them to "feel the ecstasy" and get whipped up into a false hysteria, a false euphoria.

Because much like the high you get going to see a great movie where the actors reach a part of you nothing in life does, it quickly fades. So does the "high" that people get when they worship these false prophets. So they keep returning to the pastor, priest or whoever gives them that high because they can't feel it on their own.They won't sit patiently in prayer waiting to hear His voice in the fluttering of hummingbird wings, or the rustle of fall leaves, in the myriad of colors in the rainbow.

They are addicted to the spiritual high but don't realize that God is in the peace not the high, because He is the peace and the light. The high is no more real than the false God they are pushing. God doesn't need huge Cathedrals, he doesn't need our money, he doesn't need 15000 people worshiping together. He finds us anywhere we are when he calls us, so why do these people preach this way? Because they know the road to God is a lonely road that people without faith, or with shaky faith are afraid to take alone.

Those searching for inner peace in life don't want to feel alone, no human does, we are social people. We like being with others for the most part. So we want to feel God like we feel the touch of other humans when we hug or kiss or just see each other. We want tactile contact with God. When some people searching feel they don't find Him in their lives they search out anything that will fill that role. And there are far too many leeches ready to bleed them dry because they know how desperate they are to feel something, anything outside the loneliness of normal life.

They do so much to keep that crowd aroused like an actor to keep them coming back. Because that's how they keep the crowds of people who keep the money coming in. They get them all fired up and those people look to that human being as God like because that person can bring them to that point that they don't usually feel in their search for God. The real God. Because the real God does not come to us in burning bushes and fires like tornadoes. He comes to us in the quiet. You want to feel God? He is in the peace.

That is God we seek, that is peace we seek. They are one and the same. It is in the thousand little things all around us that we don't see because we are so busy looking for Him, or chasing the things of this world that we don't see the joys he blesses us with everyday. I too felt like you do. I have a lot of questions. I am reading St. John of the Cross and discovering what that "Dark Night of the Soul" is all about. That dark night that Mother Theresa talked about feeling. It is a lonely path we walk to God because like the path he walked to the crucifixion he was alone. He cried out on the cross "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me"?

He felt alone, and He was Christ! He knew the Father existed and yet He did not feel Him at that moment of hour of darkness in His life! God had not forsaken him, but it was a journey to the cross that Christ had to walk alone otherwise it would not have been a walk of faith. Because faith which is the purest real love requires that we believe in something or someone not based on things we know or see, but what we believe and feel in our hearts.

I think that was what Dorothy found in the movie "The Wizard of Oz". She found out that she wasn't alone, that those around her loved her and that there is no place like home. Home as they say is where your heart is. And anywhere your heart is, is home. Your home with God, with Christmas, is in your heart. Look for it there. That is where I found it this year. So just remember that this Christmas you are not alone, He came on this day to show us His deep love for us and to show us the path that we too would walk "seemingly" alone.

God gave us His Son to show us that this journey as humans would be difficult, it would be very hard at times, even lonely, but we will be rewarded for our love and faith at the end. I do hope that you are getting better and that you find the "love of Christmas" in the coming days. Look for it in your heart Charlie. Just like you keep Ron and others there.

You will find it there too. It won't be in brightly wrapped gifts or in decorations of silver and gold but in the little moments of sipping eggnog with Jim and Shane, in watching your mother wonder at your beautiful handmade bracelet, in the acceptance in Jim's eyes when you tell him you love him on Christmas morning. That love comes from God himself to you as gifts this Christmas. Accept them, from Him and know that He is there with you every second of every day even if you don't feel him.

Closer yet to Christmas

Well all the shopping is done and done under budget somehow--it wasn't much but it was all thought out well and from the heart. My brother has been here since yesterday and it has been really nice having him--we finished the Christmas shopping yesterday and then he surprised me while we were in Little Italy in Cleveland and we went to lunch at this wonderful little restaurant. The food was out of this world and the glass of wine we had was some of the best I have in a long time.

The evening was quiet as we were tired from all that shopping so Jim, Shane--that's my brother and I all waited the John Travolta/Queen Latifah version of "Hairspray". Not sure yet what the day will bring. I do know we have to finish wrapping presents.

I did want to take the time and thank all of you that come here and read my thoughts, and thank all of you that have entered my life and for being friends--it means so very much to me.




Something we all know but with a slight twitst

At your grave 5 years later

I stood at your grave today
Tears flooded my eyes
for the fifth year in a row
a prayer shawl wrapped
around my shoulders
the cold wind at my kneck
the smell of roses in the air
but none in my hands
or on your grave today
I could hear angel wings
and knew you were there
my emotions and memories speechless
Yet my feelings overwhelming me like
a Drowning sea
Has it been easier accepting
has the pain become any less
It seems only more real

Thoughts of the day

Well very early this morning it was off to Sam's Club to do some light grocery shopping and to buy one more Christmas gift, actually for my brother. It was this beautiful basket done by Starbucks, I just know he is going to love it. We went really early as we have a Gold membership and to miss the crowds and I am glad to say we did miss the madness completely. How the bill adds up so fast is beyond me though. Part of it may have been the Bailey's Irish Creme we bought for the Eggnog for Christmas Day and I am sure some it as well was the pre-mixed ready to serve bottle of Cosmopolitian--my favorite mixed-drink of all time.

Than it was time to put away what little we did buy and for me to start to try to finish the one Christmas job I have left for customers that hopefully will be picked up on Saturday. I have to be honest here and say it has been very hard on me emotionally keeping the pace I have the last few days knowing my doctors do not want me to and yes it has made me "bitchy" beyond words but I am not sure how else to deal with it at this point. Once this last job is done I am taking a 4 day break though from it all as I feel I desrve it. MOre than likely will spend those days painting, something I enjoy completely and that I can zone out completely while I do it

I feel like I did though at Thanksgiving time--as I can not just get into the whole holiday spirit and this year somehow I missed all of Chanukah and for me it has always held special meaning and a very tender place in my heart. I feel so disconnected and isolated, exactly as I felt at Thanksgiving it has been in many ways very overwhelming. I think primarily those feelings for Chanukah is because those early years as "being a Jew" were very happy and peaceful times for me on many different levels.

I did take the time today and burn inscene and listen to this wonderful Kabbalahistic Meditation CD I have, as I worked on and finished this dangle bracelet I made for my mother. I guess it was an easy way to zone out and to destress and jewelry making for me is something completely new, and this technique I just learned which added to the thrill of something so different than the typical doll work.



Today emotionally though I would have to say I spent most of the day numb as I still have the pending anniversary of Ron's death on the 21st and every year it just looms over me, completely detaches me from everything and makes me wonder were the time has really gone. I wish to some degree I could say it has gotten easier but I can not and don't think I will ever be able to say it. The above song by Mariah Carey was actually played at Ron's Calling hours and makes me hope that I can and will rech the point where I can say I am my own Hero--something Ron was able to do.

Yes I have a completely different life now than then, and yes I have accomplished in my opinion some amazing things since then as well but there is a very large part of me that would love to be able to have just one more moment in space and time to really connect on many different and unique levels with Ron and that one more chance to say everything I want and need to say to him.

The last couple of days I have really thought about the degree of happiness we experience and if it is a real and justifiable feeling or is is a feeling brought on by our experiences, exposures to people, place and things--a place of fleeting narvana. If that is the case can one be truely happy all the time. Right now I think the most we can hope for is daily attainable inner peace---right now I do not have that. Are there angels that help and guide us, is there a caring, loving G-d in this world where I feel so alone and with no voice.

It may look that I have this great inner peace to others from the outside but those of you who take the time to sit and read my thoughts know what a struggle it has been and continues to be on many different and profound levels, --at the very least I am mentally stable and have a solid foundation on which to build and for that I am very thankful.



I have deep respect for the late Mother Teresa and one of the things i would love to read is her newest book dealing with her issues of feeling abandoned by G-d. As far as her message that I think we all need to hear this holiday season is one love, forgiveness, humility, compassion and be able to forget. The question for you my frined as well as for myself is can we?

Another post for December-- a deeper look inside

Well it was a very quiet day here at home today-- as we were expecting another winter blast. At least the concert was before this huge storm hit. Most of the snow was melted because of the rain and what was left here was this frozen slush stuff that made taking the dogs out difficult--thank G-d for Jim doing it when he is home and all I am left with is when he is at work.

It started snowing again here around 1 p.m. and is still going strong and its now 4:30 p.m. but not nearly the amount of snow we got yesterday, its more this light dusting on top of this slush stuff that I am sure will make it unbearable tonight and tomorrow. Thank heavens all we have to really do is take the dogs out.

Part of this afternoon I spent making homemade lavender soap that I am going to be giving my brother for Christmas. Its the lavender I grew this summer in the back yard, and believe it or not the whole process was incredibly easy. And for as little as $7.00 I am going to end up with 8 bars of home made soap. So if you haven't tried it, you may want to consider it. The other thing I am doing for my brother is a scarf I am crocheting and i spent about 5 hours today doing so till my hands hurt so bad I had to take an Aleve and a break. Its about a foot and a half across and length I am not sure yet but I am hoping at least 4 feet so he has lots of room to wrap around his neck and head.

I know at times I can be extremely sappy if you will, even very emotional--but it has been that way all along and this time of the year is so much worse than other as I have stated before. It is always been more intense keeping things bottled up-- and I am so glad that I have this format to now let all those feelings, emotions and thoughts out. To put a voice to the pain, the loss, the victories, the joys and yes even the fears.

I have spent most of the day looking back at what has made me what I am. Surviving AIDS damn near 20 years, Kaposi Sarcoma Cancer 3 times in 5 years, the loss of 3 very dear and very much loved partners and countless friends to a disease that we still know very little about. Surviving a year in a physically abusive relationship when I was first coming out, surviving a drug and alcohol addiction, surviving 3 suicide attempts in my 20s, surviving a mental breakdown also in my 20's and I think for now I will leave it at that.

But it has made me what I am today--what some would say is this big "bleeding liberal" but it is what and who I am and it has made my heart the size that it is, it has made me realize what is important and what we all need out of our time on this planet.



I know that my reflection

shows exactly who I am

Right now and for the future

My thoughts all written out

for the world to read

to maybe love me

or judge me

But at least I at the

very last I am a

completely open book.

Barry Manilow, New Snow Storm and other stuff

Well last night made up for being really down almost flat for the whole week--Barry Manilow. I bought the tickets months ago and if you drove to the arena in Cleveland when they were on sale--- which is only a 45 minute drive--- they had $10.00 seats. In all honesty they were pretty damn good seats and he sang for 2 solid hours. The other nice thing one he only sang one assortment of Christmas songs and the rest of the concert was all of his standards.

The warm up group was just sheer terrible--they sang awful, were way to loud and the dancers all dressed like whores and danced like strippers at some cheap strip club. And to think they supposedly showcase in Vegas!

But our boy Barry made up for it. We went with lady friends of ours and we had such a nice time. They invited us to dinner at their home before the concert and our visit was just wonderful as well. Didn't get home and in bed till 12:30 a.m. but so freaking what! This song had me an emotional mess last night--crying my head off but it was still my boy Barry. Oy how I love him, big over romantic guy that I am!
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Well that huge snow storm they have been predicting since yesterday has finally hit here around 1:30p.m. today and in under 3 hours we have 4 inches of snow, if we are lucky it (the snow) will last till Christmas is over. As of 6:30 its still snowing. I ran all my errands this morning hoping to miss this storm and I did. It wasn't all that many errands but I really hate driving in a big mess.

No extra funds for any holiday shopping this season unless somebody picks something up from the doll repairs but in all honesty I am not even in the spirit of it yet, sad thing is it may not happen just like I couldn't get into Thanksgiving.

As far as the repairs goes I guess we have decided for now I can not quit entirely as fiscially we can not, and while it has me upset I guess I also understand. I tender to wonder what the hell will happen when I don't have a choice in the matter like now. I will be cutting back considerably almost 1/2 or more as I was not willing to budge on that point at all--as it is what my doctor's want. Jim would like me to cut even more but until I can get at least him paid through the state as "paid care provider" for me that can not and will not happen.

This week emotionally has been one of sheer and utter hell with my being so ill again and then the still pending 5th anniversary of Ron's death--it has been a hell of a ride. At least there are the pain killers I am on for my chest--- that do make me sleep more and keep me dopey--so I really don't have to deal with any of it. There is also 3 other prescriptions fo r this chest thing that cause droziness as well. I have always been one of those--- even on prescription stuff--- I am way out in left field somewhere when taking them--and now I am thankful for it. I know that sounds awful, and I know it sounds dependant but for know it is working and it is all I have.

This season has also brought the very real and very profound realization that boiled down and with all the extras put aside religiously, mentally, spiritually connected and morally I am in the depths of my heart of hearts a Jew. I am in the wrong place at Grace UCC--and how do I tell Jim that, how do I tell the congregation that and how do I make them understand I always have been for the last 20 years plus and always will be. While also being one is nothing terrible--just different--Unique.

I also believe in the depths of my heart of hearts that besides taking sculpting lessons sometime next year that I HAVE to be in the Chaplin Class at Akron Hospital next year as well. Yeah it one 8 hour day a week for a year and yeah I will be a licensed Chaplin when I am done but I also know now that is where G-d wants me. Where he even needs me. I bring something very different and something very unique to the table and I have touched on this before in this blog, but for some reason it all seems so much more real now.

Well until tommorrow--By the way Christina--thanks for th ekind notes and the touching words you keep me inspired.

My Doctor's visit and other stuff

Well I went to the docotr's today--my local GP and I was told that the aching in my chest that I have had sincce yesterday is Costochondritis. And that I am to be on bed rest for the next 8 days and I am 3 new presciptions to help treat it. In the mean time I hurt like hell.

Costochondritis is an inflammation of the junctions where the upper ribs join with the cartilage that holds them to the breastbone or sternum. The condition causes localized chest pain that you can reproduce by pushing on the cartilage in the front of your ribcage. This is according to the web, because I couldn't remember half of what she told me in the office about it. I have to be careful she said as it could develop into pneumonia or some other respitory infection. Just what I do not need!

Then to take steps even further she strongly recommended I quit the near full time work schedule with the doll repair as I could no longer "keep up the pace" and it more than likely ruining my health. More or less what my HIV specialist said in November except he said cut it in half to 3/4. Don't ask me how with Christmas and some of the other issues I have brought up here before. I have no idea as of today what on earth I am going to do about it, except pray for my Moses "burning bush" moment.

My GP also said after looking at me too there is a VERY strong possibility that I do have Fibromyalgia, she took it even the step further and said my chances were about 90 percent without even seeing a Fibromyalgia Specialist. There was no real need to see a specialist like that as there is no real treatment for it which my HIV Specialist said--she said though it does make life VERY difficult and so fair they both have hit the nail on the head with that one.

Today is the 5th anniversary of when Ron and I entered Hospice and it is 10 days from when he died---can I say I honestly hate this time of the year with every fiber in my being. With this anniversary so close and the doctors visit today I don't know how much more can be expected of me.

Add too this whole huge mess my brother divorcing--there that is what I couldn't talk about earlier in October, but now with a court date set I am going to finally talk about. First of all I hate her--the soon to be ex-wife more than anything else--- she is to put it shortly the trash white trash people throw out. Makes Britaany Spears look like Mother of the year. Some of the stunts she has pulled would make a good show Dr. Phil, and while I don't want to get into details about it, but there is no way a court is even going to give her temporary custody. The problem or some of it is with my brother feeling guilt about this and that he is somehow--in my opinon--is divorcing not only a Miss Universe but also a patron saint for human kind. Why on earth can some people be so naive. Enough about that it gets me mad that I am the only functional member in a dysfunctional family.

Well my friends I am sorry about the "b*tch fest" but sometimes you just have to say something--ya know.

Holiday Celebration tips

OK, the next two clips from the Wayland Flowers and Madame movie from a few days ago are in this entry as well--and I hope all of you are enjoying a naughty trip down memory lane.

Speaking of naughty I wanted to include some of my favorite cartoons friends have sent me over the years--so hopefully you all have a sense of humor!

I also wanted to share this list that a friend of mine sent in our "Everything Oz" Yahoo group

HOLIDAY CELEBRATION TIPS!

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.



8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?



9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. 1

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, sandwich in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

And of course the true diva helping us ring in the Christmas season--Rupaul! And of course hope all of you are enjoying a blessed Hanukkah.

Chanukah and Waylon Flowers with Madame

Well the funky feeling of yesterday has past as well as that Alberta Clipper and some of the snow has melted already believe or not, so it isn't nearly as deep as yesterday. The "girls" though--Jackie and Glinda--the soon to be 6 year old and 2 1/1 year old Shi Itzu's, just love playing in the snow though while me "Daddy" freezes his tukas off. You think they think they are part Saint Bernard or something the way the tow of them carry on in the snow.

Chanukah here has been rather quiet and laid back which has been nice and it has never really beent he craiziness that Christmas takes on. This year its more of a personal journey into myself and my spirituality than ever before. I know to some it may sound very odd but there is a very big part of me that has always and willa lways see myself as a Jew. I guess for the last year it is something I was either trying to hide, something I was ashamed off of--in many ways the way "I felt" about it is hard to explain.



I was browsing "Youtube" yesterday and ran across "an old freind" that some of you may remember especially if you watched Hollywood Squares.... Waylan Flowers and Madame. You know looking back at it now all these years later--we had our share of gay men on tv, and isn't it a sahme the majority of them died form AIDS.



Hopefully you are watching them in order here so they make sense. Isn't all so nice to realize al these years later that Madam was so Risque. So forward for her time. If you don't like "tart things" this may not be your cup of tea. It makes me homesick in a way.



A time before AIDS, a time before I lost all most of gay friends to that damn disease, a time for at least me that the conservatives didn't seem so powerful.



Well kids turn in tommorrow to catch the end of this wonderful Madame tribute.

More Clipper news and latest blood test results

Well we woke up this morning to 4 inches of snow on the ground, the first real substantial snow this season brought in by that Alberta Clipper. Thank g-d Jim and I put up the plastic around the back door to keep the drafting out--like I am sure many of you do if you have an older home like we do. It does make a difference, even if just a small one--and even if its just in the gas bill or the not so cold tile floor by the back door. Non-frozen tootsies are happy tootsies!!

Spent part of my afternoon yesterday helping the lady that heads the activities department at the Nursing home set up their 15 foot artificial tree and then this ceramic house display as well. Was actually there again this morning to finish the houses, and even though very cold here and very snowy it was a nice chance to do something different and out of the house.

Came home after the job was done and had lunch did some doll work and the next thing I knew I had "tossed my cookies"< as they say politely> and lunch was well in the wastebasket. Not sure what brought that about but went and laid down after I got my senses back and slept for about 3 to 3 1/2 hours.

I spoke with my HIV Specialist today and because I was sick and I skipped so many of my medicine doses my counts have gone goofy again from an undetectable viral load to one now is 125,000 and a T-cell count of 385 to 77. S o no matter how ungodly I feel I can't afford to skip a dose. You would think I would know this after 16 years of living with this--but there are some days where getting anything in me I am doing good.

Jim and I spoke briefly about him giving me my pills before he leaves every morning for work and every night before supper--kind of like a witness that I have taken them--as my short term memory isn't what it once was either and that is even with a pillbox. And no it is n't a new hat

You know its ironic in many ways that Judy--years ago I had an over the counter/ prescribed drug problem and an alcohol problem and like I think I have said here I spent time in Betty Ford because of it--but nowI have trouble remembering to take them and feeling well enough to take them. As Jim says the alternative is not an option--while I feel may of you feel the same way.

Well it is off to work on ym Seceret Santa Gift Exchange for my Everything Oz Group. So till next time----"Life is a banquet ands most poor son's o a bitches are startving to death---so live, live, live"

Alberta Clipper, new dog and drag queens- Oh my

Well an Alberta clipper has roared through Ohio and where I grew up about 45 minutes from where I live now has had a foot of snow. We lucked out and have only an inch so far, but the FREEZING weather has me very stiff, very sore and achy--you have to love/hate arthritis when you live in Ohio this time of the year.

So anybody else watching "Tinman" on the Sci-Fi channel--very interesting twists in characters so many of us know so well. My favorite twist has to be the "lion" as the psychic/healer. Got me to thinking last night of writing my own version of the beloved Oz story with a whole new twist to it as well. Not sure if I will but hope all of you are catching it.

Have to say the dog "Glinda" and I are becoming the best of friends and she is just in such need of lots of love, she will sit on my chest or in my lap happy as can be for HOURS or in Jim's lap as well. We are beginning to wonder though if she may have been abused by an owner?! Jackie that is the other Shi Itzu we have had for over 2 years and her are getting somewhat along but it is still only the second day.

Been very busy still on that big customer job and was working today on finishing the dolls shoes and started work on the hand made Mohair wig--the Top Knot style of wig which is not my favorite to make in all honesty, but she is coming along beautifully. Will posts pictures of her when I have it done.

The last 2 days though have been very hard physically on me as I have been suffering form these absolutely horrific headaches that are running across the whole length of my head and are causing some serious dizziness. I may have mentioned them already but it seemed so much worse today--this of course is the worst time of the year with all of the Holiday doll work than all the normal work the Holidays bring and Hanukkah only a few days away. Going to mention it to my GP when we see her next week and if there is something I can do to try to battle them. I have a good idea she is going to say rest---OY!!!



Well since it is the start of the holidy season--lets do somethign fun with my "Youtube post"--how about a big ole fierce drag queen --Rupaul! Don't ya just love that FAB-U-LOUS WIG she is wearing--honey's I think I here my inner queen calling my name--so off to tease my wigs

Well kids until next time.

A Snow ice storm and a new friend

Well tonight is the start of our first real snow and ice storm here tonight and it is bitter cold--the kind that cuts right through you when the wind blows. The kind your nose instantly runs and your forze to the bone, think tommorrow will be spent inside except long enought to take the dog out.

The "cold" or start of it is about hte same today the only difference today was the incredible head ache/ringing I had all day long along with this "indescribable" dizzy feeling,a nd we all know that there is nothing worse than a "dizzy queen"

Been working on this rather large job for a doll customer and trying very hard to get it done soon for some extra money for Christmas, it has been hard though feeling the way I do here lately.

One new note of great intrest to my readers is my newest freind that I just love to pieces---my newest "baby" if you will a will be 3 year old (this April actually) female Shi Itzu-- that is the same color as my Jackie, smaller in size though--we decided to name are you all ready---GLINDA! Yep I went there named my dog after an Oz character. Will have to take some pictures of her to post here but we got her last night from the same owner as Jackie and here is the kicker we got Glinda for FREE! The woman just wanted her to have a loving caring home! Well Jim and I can do that!



Since today is World AIDS Awareness Day, let us all take the time and remember the dead, keep in our prayers the living and ask G-d in his wisdom to grant us a cure.

And then in honor of my newest baby--her namesake.....

the start of a cold?

Not much work done today
Felt absolutely awful after lunch
Tired fatigued, headachy
More than likely one of my "bad days"

Could be the start of what

Jim has had the last few days
Makes me glad I have

a safe home
A warm bed
A loving dog

a doting husband


Not sure if this is even on Broadway anymore
but the lyrics seemsed to fit my mood
here lately
I am NOT the boy next door
the exception to the rule
the rare find--

the true friend
devoted care giver

the only difference is I want

2 b the Boy Going to Oz

I want 2 B Rescued from

death by Glinda

I want my heart enlarged,

2 the point of bursting

my courage enriched,

where I could face anything

but where nothing

very serious happens

my brains challenged

Why can't they make TV like this anymore??

Monday thoughts

Well it came and gone
I couldn't get in the mood
Now matter how I tried
Thanskgiving Day for me
was uneventful

at best

8 hours of work today
Jim sick with a cold

he called off work

As well as tommorrow
One job almost finished
Yet I feel I haven't accomplished much

Haven't caught up

Can't see the end in sight

There comes a time
When U have 2
Take ur place in the sun
Free 2 B

A chance to create

without the guidelines
I have the chance

the right to choose
2 stand up & fight

Free 2 be what I want

Take my place in the skies
The war will B won

I won't B tired anymore

I won't B weak

LEAD.......

A Pre-thanksgiving visit

Today I went 2 visit U

You were there

in a way but in another

U were not

The ground holds your body

But not your soul or spirit

Almost 5 years have passed

Since I held you in my arms

& heard U call my name

I asked U 2day

How long

before I can hear

your voice

B in your arms

In the grand scheme

U told me not long

Am I missing what I have now?

Am I in the past?

Does 1 recover

from the pain?

The loss?

The grief?

I left with my soul

sobbing.

I have in many regards

so much 2 b thankful 4

but so much to B hurt

over as well---

Somedays it overwhelms

Days before thanksgiving

For me this song

has always been my favorite

since the very 1st time I heard it

It made me question everything

It made me believe

Can you understand me--

when all I have ever wanted

is to fly---soar even

This last week has been trying emotional 4 me

& in many respects I am not anywhere near

being emotionally ready for Thanksgiving.

The house full of people,

all the house work, all the cooking,

& being thankful----

while this last week

has been emotionally some of my lowest--

no real explanations for it--

maybe part of it was my birthday

was no big deal all the way around

& while 4 me--

I am the only person

from my core of friends

that are my age that were

diagnosed all those years ago

2 have lived to see 41--

but yet it doesn't matter--

to anyone--

& should it?

It seems like a struggle

just to stay ahead--

& I am tired of it

Some days I feel broke inside

but I won't admit to anyone
Sometimes I just want to hide

from everyone

'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard

to say goodbye when it comes to this
you looking back

Can I say here honestly--

I hate this time of the year
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes

and see

Happy Birthday 2 me

Happy Birthday 2 me

Where has the 41 years gone

Time seems 2 have slipped by

What have I really accomplished

What do I still want 2 do

Happy Birthday 2 me

16 years living with AIDS

Fatigue that this last week

has left me crippled

While everyone seems

2 have forgotten

I am another year older

Does it really matter?

Happy birthday 2 me

no cake

2 cards, 1 present

is it different than any other day?

Who know what I want

2 B a successful big time

doll designer

nothing more

I don't think I could take it
if I could not accomplish

one simple dream of

making it big

Maybe it time 2 come

in from the rain

maybe I need 2 use my life

the way i want because

i have lost so very much

41 years--

WHY?

As many of you know

the last posts are usually

the very thoughts that

I can not begin 2 put into words--

Doctors visit

Went 2 see the doctor yesterday

Asked about if I could B tested

4 Fibromyalgia

was told no real test 4 it

no real treatment 4 it

and that if I had it

2 learn 2 deal with it

I want a 2nd opinion

Today the fatigue was the worst

It has ever been

almost as bad as when I had

pneumonia last year

the aching is crippling

Maybe I need 2 go

2 the Mayo Clinic

and C a specialist

The doc I saw Wednseday

is running tests in January

for underactive thyroid

and a muscle

disinegrating disease

Why r we waiting

till 2008 though

what a day

Dropped the doll off
for the Akron Children's Hospital Christmas Tree Event
Stuck in traffic for an hour
because of an accident 3 lanes of
traffic closed--people using the burm
People at the event so very busy
trying to finish before the deadline
Set up the other tree here at the house so far three in total
More decorations to go up yet
More doll work--never enough though to gt ahead--
I swear to G-d
No end in sight

I'm ready to make the jump--this time without a net

I am not ever going to look back again

Only one way to go--Upward and forward

Going to claim it and make it my own--for once

Dysfunction and exceptions to the rules behind me FOREVER

No need for others to make my dreams to come true

I can do it on my own--just believe in me is all I ask

Just give me the chance to run through the open door

Its my time, the day has finally come

No longer bound to the ground, no more net

I am going to run my hands through the highest clouds

Going to make it hapen no matter what it takes

No matter the cost, no matter the sacrifice

No more living in the shadows

No more excuses

Can't stand in my way--

I will achieve

Faith is all that is required

No religion needed

No church attendance demanded

Just sheer unadultered faith

That I will fly

to heights only my G-d

can imagine and I want

Sacrifice it all

To a G-d who knows my all

and loves me anyway

Let's Defy Gravity and make our dreams come true

525, 600 minutes

How do you measure a year..... were do you begin to measure those moments and if they really mattered at all? Were all the miles that were marched really necessary? Seasons of love, are the people that you think are there for you, really there--- or is it a sheer illusion? Love solves many things, conquers many hurdles, how does my love measure really in love? Have I really advanced that far?

The last few days I have been really quiet--or so I am told--more so than normal and maybe it has some poeple worried but for me there seems to be no other way right now.

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Have I ever stopped being afraid? Have I said I am sorry enough? Have I worked long enough to get what I really want? Should I let it go and not want it anymore? Something has changed! Do I trust my instincts? I am tired of staying on the ground! I am way past expecting limits, somthing I HAVE to change, no more fears, no more worries, no more doubts. IT IS TIME TO DEFY GRAVITY!!!!!! This is my year, to make it all happen. I AM AS PPOWERFUL AS I THINK I AM!! 525,600 minutes and I want to be unlimited. 525, 600 minutes to fulfill my dreams. Sometimes all you need is yourself to DEFY GRAVITY!!

I hope you all can wish me every happiness as someone says "IT is me--look to the skies, everyone deserves the chance to FLY!

Some new thoughts

Well the weekend was very nice, but tiring as not use trying to keep up with an eight year old. My brother, nephew and I all went and saw "The Bee Movie" which was in all accounts very good for a young crowd as well as those of us who are older. Jokes the kids got and jokes that the adults got but were still funny for the kids as well.

Jim and I set up tree one of the three Christmas trees we usually set up for the holidays--its a 6 foot one that is covered in my 16 years of Hallmark Barbie Ornament collecting. I am one of those people who like to have all the Christmas decorations up and done before Thanksgiving so the holiday season can be rather seamless, I have been like that for years. I am also the type for very good friends of mine call me "Martha" in reference to Martha Stewart--in how I like to entertain, decorate and then there is the whole crafty thing as well. So meeting her last year for me was just and ENORMOUS Good Thing--and shared with her how friends call me "Martha" I can not believe it has been almost a year since meeting her.

This afternoon I spent 2 hours at the nursing home teaching some of the residents how to rubber stamp with stuff I had and then they got to keep the cards they made--it was really a nice change form the every day routine--There was doll work this morning as as is for most mornings. At times I wish I could break free from the repair part of it and just do my own type and style of dolls but I guess it will come in time.

This month as many of you know is my birthday--actually on the sixteenth and I will be 41 and although there is a very big part of me that is very grateful to be alive still the question is why--when so many of my friends living with AIDS never saw their 40th birthday. It makes me wonder what is there to achieve yet--what am I suppose to do yet that I have not done--how much longer have I got? How am I going to spend my time and will I ever make my hearts deepest wishes come true?

You may ask what that wish is--in all honesty for the longest time I thought I wanted to be a big successful doll designer and there is still a huge part of me that does want that--I want the comfortable life--at least financially comfortable part. I would also love the fame part of it and have wanted that aspect of it since I was a small child. I know I have the drive to make it happen--I just need that one chance, to have all my dreams come true. Will I ever get it--I don't know, would I give anything to have it--absolutely, positively no doubt in my mind at all--no questions asked!! I don't think it is all that much to ask in all honesty--others have and can get it, why shouldn't I?

There was a point in my life where I wanted nothing more than to big a huge success in the fashion design arena, and to some degree that would work as well--although today if given the chance I would kill to work for Broadway! Then there was the point were I wanted to be this huge successful Drag Queen/Female Impersonator and possibly work the incompressible Frank Marino at La Cage at the Mirage Hotel and Casino in Vegas--do I still have it--that is a good question--I haven't been in women's shoes in 5 years--I know if I did I could do it and still give anything to make it happen. Just give me a break somewhere!!


THE INCREDIBLE JIM BAILEY------- DIVA

I need to get better

You know I keep saying I am going to get better about this whole blogging thing--and then it stays the same. I feel like that at times there is so much that happens in a day that all of you miss out when I only write about it once a week. What I think I need to do is set time aside in the mornings or evenings and do nothing but this blog--so all of you can keep up with what is going on here--and I feel better about keeping you all informed.

First off--we here as of this morning finally got our killing frost and as of this morning when I went to take the dog for her walk I wore my winter coat for the first time---BBBBRRRRR!! I know it won't be long till snow flies. We also rearranged the furniture in the lving room so we can get ready to se the Christmas tree up--I am one of those people that have to have all the decorations up my Thanksgiving Day and in our house that means 3 trees! One of which is nearly 8 feet tall drenched in over 60 years of ornaments.

I go this Monday to the dentist for the first fitting of my partial--top plate 3 teeth--and I am looking really forward to it as I will be 3 teeth closer to a full set of teeth again. The E-bay sales this last go around seemed to slowa little but I am thinking with Christams less than 70 days away it will pick up soon.

We bit the bullet, as they say, this month and are making up all 3 house payments we were behind on as they were talking forclosing like they did over a year ago--but it also means next to nothing money wise for the whole month--unless I can get some serious doll work done. This in all reality is do-able but how much is the big question. The fatigue has still been really bad, I have even noticed when I go to walk the dog--and it isn't a huge wlk let me tell you--that I have to sit and rest about half way through it.

Last weekend, Jim and I as well as my mother, brother and my 8 year old nephew went to the circus--it was my nephew's first time and he had such a blast. We lucked out as tickets were $15 and we split the cost--which made very do-able. In December we go see Barry Manilow adn those tickets were a steal at $10.00 a piece but you had to drive into Cleveland to get them at that price--Last time we saw him it was the same price and he sang for almost 3 hours.

Yesterday I took my Mom to her Social Security hearing and she got approved for it finally and they are back dating it to 1998--I am so happy for them the insurance fees they have been paying for her to have medical have been awful but now she will be eligible for Medicaid/Medicare and a Social Security check. While in Cleveland yesterday I went and got tickets for "WICKED" and at $29.50 worth every penny--those were the cheapest seats available and I have been saving for months to get those--it is my birthday present to myself even though Wicked doesn't roll into town till February.

This weekend my brother and nephew are out and we are going to see the "Bee Movie" and then go through some things to see what they have for this winter--I would go more into detail what is going on there but at this time I still can't--but lets keep them in our thoughts and prayers. Part of why they are also out is this is my brothers only weekend off this month and we are celebrating my birthday early--as it is the 16th. Well until tommorrow kids.

From a place of insanity

Well what I thought was going to be an easier week turned out to be sheer and utter insanity. It started Monday with a very early phone call that one of best best friends died in his sleep at the age of 46. The part I think that took the longest to get use to was how sudden it had happened, considering Jim and i just saw him like two weeks before. Granted he looked rough and ill but in my opinion when you have been living with AIDS for 22 years you are allowed to look a little worse for the wear.

So Tuesday morning I drove into Cleveland to see his widow and help her write the obit for the paper and try to arrange some of the things that still had to be done. In the process I was also asked to play a key role in his funeral and help put his funeral together.

Now I now I took those Spirituality classes last year and that led the way to becoming a chaplain but this is in all reality the first funeral I have help play a spiritual part in. I have spoke from the heart dozens of times at these types of event but never in a spiritual sense and it has me somewhat nervous to say the least. A mixed crowd of young, old, black, white, gay, straight, professional and the poor-- I may never have such a diverse crowd again.

It took me two full days to finally decide exactly what I was going to say, the order I wanted to say it in and then as well speak from my heart as well as speaking from a spiritual place--while also doing and saying the right thing on behalf of my friend.

I have been re-reading aloud what I am going to say to try to lessen my chances of goofing something up on Monday when I do give the funeral, but it also has not made my nerves any less. I know I will do well, as I have every other time I have spoken in front of large crowds--my largest believe it or not was 5,000 and I was an emotional mess, but got a huge wonderful response, including a standing ovation.

Then also this last week we--Jim and I have been through one of the hardest weeks financially that we have had in a long time. I do not want o go into huge detail what it is and some things are best left completely private but I will say that it had tried both of our nerves to the end and that once it starts it seems as if only it snowballs--and hopefully we caught it before it got completely out of control.

I still feel that emotionally I have pulled a million directions and have tried being the rock--the sane one in all the insanity--but it also can get to the point where does get to be overwhelming and nerve wracking. Again I wish I could go into more detail what it is that I have been the rock for but--my hands are tied until I can fully at liberty say what it is. Just keep me in your prayers.

If it had not been for E-bay and selling some things I personally own to try to get ahead I don't know what we would have done--so in many ways thank G-d for E-bay. I know somehow we will pull through it but at times it does get very discouraging and very trying to say the least. I just pray that somehow the end of this "trial by fire" will be over and that we can emotionally, spiritually and financially get ahead.

Of course with this friend of mine dying this last week, it brought up so many issues, past memories, past hurts and sadness as well as the uncertainty of the future--with my t-cell and viral load tests at the end of the month it seems more prominent than ever---or maybe it just seems that way after the last week I have had.

I do promise to try to get better about this journal/blogging. Until next time.

The last week

Well gang, again sorry it has taken so long to blog but things here are chaotic to say the least again and it seems like if they weren't I wouldn't know what to do at times.

First and probably the least crazy thing is that Jackie (that's my 5 year old Shi Itzu) has been battling fleas really bad the last few days I think it has been because it has cooled of and we have been spending more time outside which we both love, but the poor thing has been fighting fleas because of it--all we need is one good killing frost to end the outside battle and we are struggling to stay ahead of the inside battle.

Second and probably the worst of it was a "customer" I had this last week that picked up a job. "They" after a day of having the job complained that the work was at very best inferior, shoddy and absolutely terrible. The sewing was that of an unskilled third world child laborer and that the sewing as we speak is falling apart and that the clothing items did not and would never fit the doll right. While I had no right repairing dolls in anyway, I should pack it up and call it a day.

Now I know that everybody is entitled to an opinion, but my thing is--why is it that when my work is attacked that in the process everything about my work, myself, my character is ripped to shreds? Why is I am left feeling like I never want to deal with another customer as long as I live? Then also why is it I have gotten some high praise and recommendations from this within the doll making field---It is not everybody that is asked by IDEX to be involved in their charity auction-- and be the ONLY NON-INDUSTRY (corporate professional) person in their auction ever. Hello, that says something in my mind but then again I have lost my mind.

There are times and this week has been one of them where I just want to walk away from it all and never do it again, I have grown tired of all of the "crapola" people can dole out and that mean spirited people seem to feel that they can just come in a do and say anything you want and you have to take no questions asked and of course nothing said back in self defense---I am over it!

Last is this idea of being some one's moral support and their "rock" during a crisis. Not that I am complaining in anyway about my being asked to do this for a very old friend as I love them as family--I guess what I want to say is that I did not expect it would take so much. I am not in a position to talk about details here or what this old friend is going through as of yet--but I do know it has so far been one of the most trying times they have gone through in a while. I feel to a degree blessed that I can be there for them during this time of" trial by fire" and I am prayerfully that I am given what I need so I may in return be there for them.

I do have a small "happy moment" to report--the last E-bay seller I was trying to buy a book from (Wizard of Oz, by L. Frank Baum) was a huge help this week in helping me figure out what kind of Wizard of Oz books are out there--the different levels, ages, prices and that they were wanting to help me get the best books for the best dollars and especially in regards to the books I am missing in the series. Overall he said I had done rather well--right now there were only 2 books he would consider I was "somewhat" jipped on.

He said from what I said is I wanted books between 1910- 1940's, books with color plates, hard covers and little wear--this is about 3/4 of what I have already. A few hard cover books without the color plates but not to worry to much about them overall. So for this E-bay seller who was an extremely nice guy who was also very helpful thank you for making my week.

Sorry for not posting more

This last week has been very chaotic to say the least between the normal everyday stuff--house work, yard work, doll work and adding to it E-bay sales it has been hard getting a moment to breath as it were. But I guess I am no complaining about it I just wish to some degree it would lighten up just a little.

At the very least I would like the "crippling" fatigue to go away. That has been in all honesty the worst of it. My only other complaint right now in all honesty would be my weight. Now many have said I look great from what I did last year weighing a mere 150 but at an even 200 and a 38 waist I feel fatter than ever--yeah even HUGE!! I just hate it, every last second of it! Everybody says I need something to fall back unto if I get sick again and deep down I know that, but there is a very big part of my mind that sees nothing more than this fat person I hate. I have been both extremes in my life obese at 265 and anorexic and in treatment at 124--so I know both ends of it well. It seems at times a good portion of my life has been spent in treatment.

First at 20-22 years old it was detox at Betty Ford for prescription drugs and booze for six months. Than it AIDS at 24 and AZT treatments which made my hair fall out the anorexia at 25-27 and regular therapy from the time I was 20 to 30 and of course I can't forget radiation for a year. At times it seems like I have no courage--or very little left to face what ever may be next. there are also many times when I would just love to start all over again at the beginning knowing what I know now--- in some words just to go home.

If I am truly guilty though of anything a friend of mine Lisa pointed out today I have a heart that is way to giving, caring and accomodating--not that she was complaining about it. It was actually meant as HUGE praise--she just hates to see me hurt. She says I would give my last meal to a complete stranger and that is very true. I say it is good karma. What you put out is what you get back--and I want only the best back. I have seen what evil has done first hand in my life many times over. I have seen wickedness go for a season but when it comes back it is always worse than what you dished out in the first place.

I want people to say when I am dead and gone that I truly cared and gave everything I could to make it better. That I only cared for others and wanted and expected nothing in return. I feel in the depths of my soul that over all the world would be a better place if we all worked that way. Will it ever do that--I don't know--but I do know one person can make a difference and to a very large degree I already have. While doing everything I can with everything I have to continue making a difference till I can't anymore.