Lilac's budding

My brother was out again this weekend and we grilled outdoors again for lunch and with Jim being off today it made for a real nice time. The lilac bush in the backyard as buds on it and a few open, not many. But within a few days the whole thing will be in full bloom and honestly can not wait to trim some off and bring them indoors like I did last year. They say it helps the memory, not sure if that is compleltely true or not.

While out this morning doing some errands my brother bought me "The Power of Now" also by Eckart Tolle--going to start reading tonight.

Chapter 6..............

"When you lose touch with your inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself, when you lose touch with yourself you lose yourself in the world. Your inner most sense of sefl of who you are is inseperable from stillness this is the I am that is deeper than the name of ofrm. You are the awarness disguised as a person".

1). Learn to be with the feelings of discomfort and emotional pain raher than running from it. Why accept is? Because it is here at this moment.

2). Christ wen to the depths of suffering and totally accepted suffering. "Thy will be done" it became a conscious suffering--- the It is of the moment--at that moment the divine comes into action.

3). The very moment the worst thing that can happen to you if you surrender to it, there is an opening that allows the energy of the divine to come through. The very moment of surrender it happens.

4). Grace hides behind every form of suffering.

5). The pain body that was mentioned a few weeks back can be passed from generation to generation, mother to child, in DNA--and then is only partly personal. Are we causing grief for our children by hanging unto pain that we shouldn't be? It is called by some the living past with in you. It takes only one conscious person, one conscious moment for the generational consciousness or lack of it to be broken.

6). By arguing and fighting in front of your children you may be helping them create their pain body. Even the emotion of fighting encourages the pain body and the energy of that negativity.

7). The feeling or actual reality of being not wanted by a parent can create the need "to make everyone my friend", "the need to please everyone all the time", "the need for everybody to accept me".

Hope your day is going well

Well, instead of doing this later in the day like I normally do I thought I would go earlier before my day really starts. I would like to say that one of the things that seem to really help me day get on the right foot is I have been meditating first thing when I get up in the morning. Clears my head, helps get me focused and gives me what energy I have.

Been working steadily on another big dolly job for the last few days and all I have left to do is make the christening dress, bonnet and booties I have to crochet. Will have to take pictures of it so I can share them all with you here.

I want to share some thought I got out Oprah's show on 04/04/08 that she did on "The New Earth", there are only a few......

1). The basis of your life is the present moment.

2). From Page 86 " Behind every negative self concept is th ehidden desire of being the greatest or better than others".

3). Spirituality is th elonging for something more, religion grew out of that longing.

A Hindu thought......

"One should remember man's spirit as the guide, the primordial poet, smaller than an atom, granter of all things, in form inconceivable, the color of th esun beyond darkness. A time of death, with the mind inmovable, armed with devotion and strength of discipline, focusing vital breath, one attains the supreme divin spirit of man".

One final thought for today something very profound that was said in class 6 of Eckhart's Online Class.........

"Stillness is your essential nature. What is stillness, the inner space or awareness which is te words on this page which are being perceived and become thoughts. Without that awareness there would be no perception, not htoughts, no world. You are that AWARENESS, disguised as a person"! This quote is from "Stillness Speaks" by Eckhart Tolle--which now I have to buy .

Thoughts of spring and more

Well things are OK--I have been battling extreme fatigue again so some of my work has suffered---at least the length of time I was working that is.

Everything here is getting green, sprouting, blooming, growing and is so alive. I have really noticed how alive it is for the first time in my life, it is simply amazing how it just surrounds me, draws me in, wants me to experience it, be part of it, listen to what it is really saying. I got the screens out for the porch and in the windows today, that Jim cleaned over the weekend.

We had to have the brakes on my car replaced before this trip to Lancaster in under three weeks and next week I h ave to get 2 new tires as well. The one is just about shot and the other has some metal in it form all this road construction happening around us, but i am thankful that the doll work has been there to pay for at least the brakes so far. Wasn't expecting that but hey--it is what it is.

My spirit hasn't been as high as it was last week, and honestly am trying to figure out why, or if there is even a why. I ask you pray for me as always.

More from Chapter 5.......

1). Worry is repetitive negative thought patterns which cause energy which then in turn can cause a person to be sick.

2). Just allow the emotion of sadness to happen with out the negativity and in reality it can lead to peace. Accept the emotion.

3). Thoughts are energy either positive or negative. One thought can take you over, even if that thought isn't true.

4). There is a difference between thought and inspiration.

5). Your never going to think your way to a purpose in your life.

6). "A problem can not be solved on the same level as consciousness that gave rise to the problem".

7). Accepting the negative emotion can be accepting the present moment, but realizing it is NOT the real you. It is as it is!

8). Obsessing about something is worry, this takes away your power like a parasite--that eats away at you.

9). Invite presence in, train in presence--become presence.

10). The deepest art goes beyond the deeper pain--it expresses beyond suffering.

That ends Chapter 5 and what I learned out of it. Finally for tonight I want to close with another Hindu thought.......

"When a person gives up desires in his mind, is content with the self within himself, then he is said to be a man whose insight is sure. When suffering does not disturb the mind, when his craving for pleasures has vanished, when attraction, fear, and anger are gone he is called a sage whose thought is sure".

Happy Passover

I know I am a little bit late but I wanted to wish all of my readers a very happy and sacred Passover season, where has the time gone that we are in this time and place again. A time and place in my opinon of holiness. Maybe more so this year than others for me because I am more aware of what is around me and I am more at peace than ever before.

My brother was out today and for the first time this year we bar-b-qued outdoors and ate at the picnic table in the back yard. It was so nice, laughed so much and for the last week have had some very profound and moving phone conversations. We had chicken, burgers but the killer was the grilled SHRIMP---YUMO as Racheal Ray says .

Also the first time this year I had to mow the grass, didn't think I would have to this early but once I started I didn't realize how high it was. Ever notice the incredible smell of just cut grass I did when I was finished with it and listening to the birds sing. It wasn't terribly hot, today but it wasn't to cold either for me it was very pleasant.

With that said I want to get into Chapter 5...............

Chapter 5

1). The quiet and stillness is holy and sacred.

2). The scared can be found even in the most ordinary things, a calmness and stillness where everything is magical.

3). The human mind seems hooked on the "me and my story" or the consatnt mind chatter or for some even both. Thinking happens to you all the time. Try to become aware of "the voice in the head". Some people can get trapped in "the voice in the head" and not be who we really are. We as a species who to a very large degree have lost our way---lost in thought---lost in the mind.

4). The past has no power over you! It can become as a burden page 141..... " Nothing ever hapened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past can not prevent you from being present now; what power does it have? Any negative emotion that is not fully faced and seen for what it is in the moment it arises does not completely dissolve. It leaves behind a remnant of pain". "This energy field of old but still very much alive emotion that lives in almost every human being is the pain body" when this happens an addiction to negativity can arise.

5). Be there as a very compassionate presence versus reacting to drama and accept it as it is. Don't feed the pain.

My final thought for tonight is from the Bhagavad Gita and is Hindu thought....

He who sees me everywhere and sees everything in me will not be lost to me, and I will not be lost to him. I exist in all creatures; so the disciplined man devouted to me grasps the oneness of life; where he is, he is in me".

Some great news

As of today I have finally caught up all my doll work. Some of it as old as 2 months behind. What is amazing to me is that somehow all it took was focusing on the now--and in this case one job at a time.

The other thing that happened today was this overall feeling of exhaustion but you know something for the first time I realized it wasn't who I am but what I feel and I took the day off. Did absolutely nothing and had no remorse or regret about it either.

I feel like I have so much in such a short length of time. Speaking of which I have had moments of the day where I have lost all sense of "clock time". The beginning of consciousness? I am just letting it be.

The other thing I have noticed is my conversations with friends and family have completely changed and for the better I might. They seem to be deeper, richer and much profound.

So with that said I want to share some more of Chapter 4 and what I have learned.....

1).True self esteem lies within the depths of the stillness within you. It is no longer the belief that I am greater than anyone and I am no longer influenced by criticism.

2). The roles we play change as time changes and we need to adept as the roles change. Some people people become completely identified with the role versus being "your true self". You don't feel acknowledged when you run across someone playing the role.

3). We are limited and realizing it puts us in the now.

4). Presence should permeate every moment in your life.

5). The "one huge challenge" or as some say "the cross to bear" can be the one true thing that brings enlightenment. There is sacredness in the challenge. Life is the dancer and you are the dance.

Final thought for chapter 4 a direct quote from the book.....

"So there is no such thing "as my life", and I don't have a life. I am life! I and life are one! It can not be otherwise. So how could I lose my life? How can I lose something that I don't have in the first place? How can I lose something I am? It is impossible !

1,000 HITS

Well you guys did it my faithful readers we hit 1,000 readers. Now why it showing 10 is beyond me .

A New day- - - - - - - - 525, 600 minutes

Well gang, not to be boastful but I am so happy to say that 2 days ago I did my first 10 hour work day and an 8 hour work day, for the first time in over a year. IN all honesty I didn't evn realize I had till it was over. I just focused on what I was doing, what I wanted to try to do and stayed with "my project" till that project was finished. I have made some serious catch up doll work wise in those 2 days and for that I am grateful to my new consciousness.

I guess I got in the zone, and yes there was some tremendous physical pain but somehow it seemed less when I was focused on just being. I find myself saying that a lot here lately , that and "it just is". How wondeful to have everything changed in a course of five weeks.

With that said I want to go more into depth of what I learned from Chapter 4

1). Take responsibility for your own consciousness and respect others were they are. Complete acceptance versus being judgemental. Know that what it is at the level it is. Acceptance is vital.

2). "Human alone is never enough, no matter how hard you try or what you do". Be present in the now ad you will not lose yourself in the human dimension. By being just there equals is creates less stress and gives more light and freedom..

3). Planning is more productive when you are just present and do it before and after the planning.

4). Just trust that in life that what you need in the future will be there when it is needed. You need to be in the present to be succesful..

5). The passion is more great when you are focused. Great endeavors start with small steps. It is "in the doing" that there is intensity of power.

I want to close with the most profound thought I read this week and found it in Hindu thought....

"Seeing, hearing touching, smelling, eating, walking, sleeping, breathing, the disciplined man who knows reality should think---- I DO NOTHING AT ALL".

Tried by fire..........................

This week emotionally has been one of my most trying in my entire life and without going into huge details about it (which many of you know somethings are best kept quiet and I do when the time is right) it has brought about a huge change in me. Also by focusing on the negative I am feeding it power, which I will not do., especially after reading the "New Earth". What I want to focus on is that change and the positive.

The issue that changed my life this week was a series of bold lie I was told, and like many of you reading this I am one of those people that when you lie to me it sends up some red flags. When those lies are compounded to the degree they were this week and everything "I thought I knew" was a lie, I had to rid myself of the liar.

I was directed by the facts, once I had them from people I trust with the very life I have; responded to those facts without losing any of my temper or letting myself become emotionally attached. Stated those facts and did what I knew was the very best thing possible. In reality I felt like I really became a man for the first time in my life.

Tried by fire, led by consciousness and in the end became stronger. I could ask for nothing more.

As far as my laryngitis my voice is all but completely gone. To the point that as of today it is a mere whisper. G-d must truly want me vocally silent for now, and I know in my hearts of hearts I am open to listen to what "He" wants and needs to say to me. With that said I want to go into some of what I learned out of Chapter 4 with all of you, and like chapter 3 it was quiet a bit so it will be broke up over a few days.

1). Become alert to your negativity--"unhappiness, resentment, discontent, nervousness or the feeling of being fed up. Become truly alert to the negativity and repeat silently.... "At this moment, I am creating suffering for myself".

2). "The ego doesn't know that your opportunity for being at peace is now. Or maybe it does know, and it is afraid that you may find this out. Peace, after all, is the end of the ego". page 115

3). In Zen they say "Don't seek the truth. Just cease to cherish opinions". page 121

4). If you can get more still there is less stress, more presence. Let go completely of fear and desire, by doing so it can only awaken those who are ready. You are the light. I am aware. The source of all energy is within you!

I want to close tonight by sharing with you some thoughts from the Bhagavad Gita--which is Hindu thought......

From anger comes confusion; from confusion memory lapses;

from broken memory understanding is lost;

from loss of understanding; he is ruined.

But a man of inner strength whose senses experience objects

without attraction and hatred,

in self control, finds serenity.

In serenity; all his sorrows dissolve;

his reason becomes serene,

his understanding sure. Without discipline,

he has no understanding or inner power;

without inner peace power, he has no peace,

and without peace where is joy?

The power of Laryngitis

It was so nice yesterday to be able to talk with a very good friend of mine named Christine who is "my second mother" in all reality even if I barely had a voice. The last now three days I have developed laryngitis and today my voice is nearly gone. Those of you who know me real well when I get a could I end up sounding like some reject from a John Wayne Cowboy movie but to have my voice go softer and softer till now there is barely anything this is completely new.

With that though maybe is my time to be really silent :). It has given me more time to be conscious and more tuned into myself so I accept for the now being silenced. The medications for the other seem to helping more so thank heavens I went to the doctor when I did and I appreciate your prayers in that matter.

Now unto the last of the notes of things I have gotten out of Chapter Three of "A New Earth"....

1). There is for some people an addiction to unhappiness.

2). Our purpose in this life is to be present in this moment and bring that moment to the world. Be more fully present. The now is the exist door to the go. This last point was big point for me.

3). It isn't about believing, it is about the knowing. Their is no separation between you and G-d. "Spiritual realization is to see clearly that what I perceive, experience, think or feel is ultimately not who I am, that I can not find myself in all those things that continuously pass away".

4). Finally ending Chapter 3 is..... Only the truth of who you are will set you free. It is that stillness--not knowing who you are is the beginning of who I really am, and the essence of who I am is INDESTRUCTIBLE.

I also started today this great book at the library, yes I am one of those who read more than one thing at a time called "The Bhagavad- Gita" by Huston Smith--which is on Hindu thought and teaching. I want to close tonight's post with something I read out of it this afternoon that I thought was very moving and profound.......

"Our bodies are known to end,

but the embodied self is enduring,

indestructible and immeasurable;

therefore fight the battle,

It is not born

it does not die,

having been,

it will never not be,

unborn, ending, constant

and primordial,

It is not killed

when the body is killed".

Lets close with some Hindu chanting, I hope you take the time to listen, meditate and connect with the you from within--PEACE

Mexican Chicken Soup

Ok I have, to have to, have to share this INCREDIBLE receipe with all of you!!! It is from Ina Gartners Food Network show and we made it for supper tonight its more like a stew but My Gosh it was FABULOUS!

1 Large Roasted Chicken and shredded when cooled. It is spiced only with salt and pepper

1 large white onion chooped--should be about 2 cups worth

3 Tablespoons olive oil

1 cup grated carrots

1 cup chopped celery

4 cloves of garlic finely chopped which you added at the end of the saute period

3 jalepeno peppers de-seeded and chopped finely

2 1/2 quarts chicken stock--we used the liquid left over from roasting the chicken

1- 28 ounce tomatoes canned--chopped

1 teaspoon Ground Cuman

1 teaspoon Corrinder

1 Tablespoon Kosher salt

1 Tablespoon Black pepper

6 tortia's cut into thin short strips this is put in to thicken the soup/stew and become like noodles

Ok the onion, oil, celery, carrots jalepenos salt and pepper are all sauted in a pan first add garlic last so you don't over cook it. Then in a large pot add all of your ingredients except the tortia's that you cut up. Cook 20- 25 minutes till a slow rolling boil.

Add your cut up torita's and cook until soft like a noodle--I think we did our like 10-15 more minutes.

Now for the KICKER add when served a big dollap of sour cream and diced avocado. Also you can serve with Tortilla Chips which we did! It was a meal into itself kids and like I said OH MY Gosh!!!!!

Well the medications from Monday seem so far to be working and the pain is not nearly as intense but still is rather constant but it is what it is. I am coping fairly well considering all the things I have learned from the "New Earth"

More from Chapter 3

1). For most people their spiritual teacher is their suffering. Sad but very true especially for me. This at first was very hard to accept but when I did it was like a brand new day.

2). Take reponsibility for your own life and your own consciousness rather than thinking of someone else's life and consciousness. With that said....

2a). Change can only begin with ourselves.

2b). Worry is the continuous mind noise that creates negativity. It is part of the EGO and are you ready SERVES NO PURPOSE.

2c). Find your inner peace to be able to truly change the situation--be present what can I do now. Can you bring prensence to the person in the situation and let them be? Are you in the position of not wanting to do something? Because what ever you fight, you strenghten, and what you resist persists.

This chapter was one of the longest so I will let you go for now and continue my adventures into this journey tomorrow.

News from the doc and other stuff

Well as they say inquiring minds want to know--so here it is plain and simple. It is internal shingles--I am on 2 different medications for it but here is the "fun part" it won't go completely away until they develop externally. Yippee! Of course I am being facetious here but hey it is what is. The kicker according to the doctor is that shingles are primarily brought on by stress--which I never knew, so I have to de-stress myself and imagine what it would be if I weren't in the "New Earth class"

The incredible art work in today's blog are by some very talented gay artists Micheal Breyette and Steven Walker. I found them while doing a search online for gay art work and of course since this blog is read by a wide variety of people I wanted something that wouldn't be labeled obscene or offensive. It would be a window into what I feel is a big part of my world.

Speaking of which I want to share some of what I learned in Chapter 3:

1). We are beyond our "stories"--we are consciousness, we are that which can not be defined through concepts or words.

2). We should reach the point where we can say "I am not sure who I am anymore. Because I longer attach the "I to my story" or the things I perceive myself to be. You should also try to become comfortable with out knowing who you are so you can reach consciousness.

3). "When you react to another, you strengthen in yourself" this is out of the book and basically boils down to the faults we find in someone else, there possibly is something within us that we need to address.

4). Labeling others desensitises yourself from the aliveness and the humanity of the other person, because you relate that person to that label. Keep in mind in some circumstances violence can be very possible if you do label.

5). This next one was huge for me--a real ah ha moment if you will..... Complaining with no real purpose is not consciousness and it doesn't bring about change. Say something that does make change happen. When somebody is wrong the situation can become personal when in reality it shouldn't. State the facts without the negativity, because when you do it with negativity the situation than becomes negative because it fuels RIGHTEOUSNESS.

There is more out of chapter three but I don't want to overwhelm here so I will save it for my next post. It is my prayer that in some way what I am learning you can and may be helpful to you even in some small way.

If not than you may not be ready for that and that my friend is fine too. It is also my prayer that all of you are doing well, and know that you cross my mind daily and you are in my prayers as well.

I also hope you enjoy and are enlightnened by some of the religious pictures I have used and the broad use of religious Youtube posts as well as the fun stuff.

By the way kids this isn't Bette Midler it is the late and very talented Kenny Sacha. Kenny may you rest in peace but know your talent is never been forgotten. I saw him nearly 20 years ago and was left speechless. It is fun and campy and I love it--It sums up me

Some thoughts to share......

I wanted to take the time and share some of what I have been learning from "A New Earth" with all of you. The journey in finding out who I really am has been an amazing, eye opening one. So the following is some of the things in the last 4 weeks I have learned or am trying to learn. These are just from Chapter 1.....

1). The place of stillness is where all creative means come from, while getting rid of the "exterior noise" creates the stillness from within.

2). You can not just rely on your thinking to create something that is meaningful you should also trust your initial impulses once you develop an instinct.

3). You should release anxiety about today, tomorrow and forever. Be present in the moment and only this moment, perceive the stillness.

4). This next one is a direct quote from the book "Man made G-d in his own image the eternal, the infinite and unnameable was reduced to a mental idol that you had to believe in and worship as my G-d or our G-d". Out of this comes the following thoughts.....

4a). Religion can be a closed door to deeper exploration for many people especially when you adopt "I believe.... and this "IS THE ONLY WAY" it than becomes an ideology--than it becomes that closed door. For many years this was my case in what I was raised in religiously, but I was one from the very beginning questioned everything and still do.

4b). There are certainly many more paths to G-d other than Christianity. I for one have always been fascinated by the other paths/ideas/religions/beliefs. I know that is what led me to this book. We have to take G-d out of the box, go beyond what we think we know and believe and discover the vastness, the total hugeness that is G-d/consciousness.

Chapter 2

1). Our story--the what has happened to us, what we are dealing with, our roles, our jobs --the surface reality--become the who "we are" the whole of us. In reality we "the real us" is not any of those things. Its just a memory, a bundle of thoughts--it is a mental image that becomes "yourselves" and isn't. Than who I am is the real question--a question we should ask yourselves frequently and we should leave the question blank.

1a). For me that has been my identifying my entire life with my illness. To release the power of identifying with it and release the power of the disease in my life Eckart says we should no longer talk about the illness to friends and family because it empowers the illness and the ego of the illness. I should simply say I am doing everything In can do to find healing. You of course need to talk with your doctor openly and honestly, you of course need to follow your drug or alternative therapy program. But like holding a grudge, or constantly fighting the more we do it the power it has and in the case of illness when we do that we become the sick person. We must allow ourselves to be feed by our own inner energy, MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE PRESENT MOMENT.

This of course has been the hardest thing to do and to accept what it happening physically now and not give it the power to overcome me and "become me". With that said I would llike to finish and ask all of you to take time and pray for me as the pains I was having the first of this month have returned and for now are worse than before. I am going to try to get into the doctor tomorrow to see if it is as the thought the first of this month internal shingles.

Pics from Christmas

Things here have been busy here trying to play catch up from the month I lost, last month but it is beginning to show signs of improvement. Four jobs done in the last few days plus countless errands--do they ever end?

Wondering if any one saw my post about "A New Earth" a few days ago and if any of you are reading it like I am? I would really love to hear from you if you are, and what you are experiencing it. For me it has changed my thinking--my perceptions, my expectations.

My father's eldest brother died day before St. Patrick's Day and being the very large Irish family we are his children have opted for a grave side military service. He--my uncle this is-- was 88. Same as my maternal grandmother was when she died. With customers already booked for that day I am unable to attend but I am O.K. with that and my father understands.

Jim is waiting to hear about a new part time job with Visiting Nurses and I am hoping as well as he is that he gets the job. He has been so unhappy where is now for so long he deserves the change in my opinion.

I know Easter is this weekend and Spring is around the corner but I just got figured how to get my pictures off my digital camera unto my computer and I wanted to share the doll I made for Akron's Children Hospital at Christmas time and their big fund raiser they do every year. It is usually all Christmas trees and some other items and of course being the doll person I am and the Oz collector I am I had to combine the two together in this wonderful creation I called "Dreams of Oz".


It is of course an Ashton Drake "Baby Emily" that I did the re-borning process on and than made the removable dress, diaper, pantaloons, and crocheted the slippers in deep Burgundy yarn.

The Lion is than made out of some old material I had laying around including that mane which used to be an old collar on a coat I picked up. He is fully jointed--child safety of course, child safety black eyes and embroidered mouth and nose. His tail material matches with a cute fur piece at the end of it. He is actually made as Dorthy's bed-time friend.


The quilt is all hand made by me as well and was also fabric I had laying around and is all hand embroidered. The main print is this tiny red flower not poppies my my salute to them as well and of course the yellow--need I say more . Four panels in all in Classic Red work my salute to the Ruby Slippers if you will and the all characters from the books/movie. By the way it did sell--YEAH.

I wanted to show these as I haven't shown a lot of my work here lately and I know some of you enjoy when I do and that may be why you visit my site. I don't want to seem as I am "tooting my own horn" if you will or add to my ego but I do like having all of you in my life to share it.

Fragile Nature of Life

Well gang I want to "vent" some of my feelings ona heavy topic today--that of death. My cat of the last 9 years at least died this early afternoon. He was a kitten that was found in the streets of Iraq during "Desert Storm" by Ron's daughter (for those who don't know my pervious who died of AIDS now 5 years ago). I got J.C. short for Jean Claude--yes Van Damme she is a huge fan--when she meet her future husabnd and father of her children as he was allergic to J.C. as well as both boys.

As far as cats go he had a very spoiled, wonderful life and in all actuality almost died right after Ron did as he was so sorrowful without his "Daddy". He did perk up and did recover and I became his "Daddy" in stead of his "Mommy" .

He has been really sick the last 4-5 days and I knew his time with me and Jim was limited but as with human life one never knows exactly when someone is going to die. J.C., I am happy to say died peacefully in the dog's bed and just died sleeping.

The part that had me upset (for lack of better words) is that I was not there when he exactly died. It dug up some very old and painful memories of my losing Ron. As many of you know Ron truly suffered for 11 days before dying and when he finally did die it was the one time I didn't sleep at his side in a chair.

I have never been able to forgive myself for that, probably may not be able to either--I am stil not sure. It makes me scared though that when it comes time for me to die that "that someone in my life" will have just stepped out of the room for that moment and I will die.

I do know after thinking about it most of the day today that G-d already knows the answer to this, that to some extent it is already planned and just waiting to happen. I also know that all I can do is fill my life with people who really care for me and when the time comes for me to die that who ever needs to there will be and those who don't won't. Life is short as it is and I for one want to make it matter.

My "Ah ha" moment

Well I have had my "ah ha" moment as Oprah calls it from the Eckart Tolle Book " A New Earth" it happened in Monday nights class. ".....You then unconscioucly cling to the illness becaus eit has beome the most important part of who you perceive yourself to be. It has become another thought form with which the ego can identify".

Eckardt's thinking on this that our experiences in life, our story, our roles, my identity has become the "I" that I am at least in my head and in my thinking --when in reality it is not and we are not being our true selves. So in this regard I have been identified AS my illness. To overcome this and become the true "I" that I am I should no longer talk about my illness to friends and family. Simply say that I am doing everything I can right now to heal myself.

By doing anything else--talking, arguing, feeding into or discussing my illness or for that manner anything negative in my life we simply empower that which is wrong in our lives and it becomes "us". The final thought that really struck home Monday night was that "this unhappy self is NOT who I am"

It has been a real wake up call for me, it has changed my views on things--it makes sense on so many different levels. It is as though I have lived the bulk of my life as something I really am not and now as of today and this moment I want to live the life that truly am.

I want to encourage you that if you are in the time and place that you want or need awakening "A New Earth" is the book for you.

I have gotten some incredible of doll work done here lately and the apprasial part here lately has really taken off, which can be a very good thing. Tommorrow I meet a lady to sell her mother's doll collection on E-bay. I believe it is around 40 pieces.

So keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I approach this new job

I saw this on Youtube a few days ago and just loved it--yes kids that is a man and yes that is his OWN voice! I am no longer doubtful of what I am livin' for!!

HUGE snow storm and Echardt Tolle

I know it has been quiet a few days since I done any entries but it seemed like there for a while all I was doing was complaining and that is the last thing want this site to be about. I wanted to try to stay somewhat positive at the least and for the time I was not "blogging" I just couldn't, hopefully all of you my readers understnad that.

Well my friend from California Alex arrived last night--of all night as we were hammered with damn near 6 inches of snow and white out conditions yesterday. What normally is a half hour drive took an hour and the roads--OY were does one begin to describe the horrible mess they were. But I arrived to the depot and home again all safe and sound.

It has continued to snow all day here non-stop and as of right now we have over 2 feet of the white stuff and yet we are how far from "christian" Easter? Think its going to be a white one thank heavens Passover is almost a month later and hopefully we will have really nice weather.

Question for everybody, anybody else reading Eckhardt Tolle's "A New Earth" and taking the online Oprah class? I am, and so far have really loved it, if you haven't as of yet I strongly recommend it, it is worth your while.

If you are reading it I would love your thoughts on the book and what you are getting from it--your "ah ha" moments as Orpah calls them. I have been mulling over the thought of sharing what I am learning in general and about myself from reading this--I should say if I do its going to be very unplugged, raw and real. I would like to hear from you if you think I should or shouldn't. How much do you really want to know about me??

Civil Rights Activist Johnnie Carr dies

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (Feb. 23) - Johnnie Carr, who joined childhood friend Rosa Parks in the historic Montgomery bus boycott and kept a busy schedule of civil rights activism up to her final days, has died. She was 97.

Carr died Friday night, said Baptist Health hospital spokeswoman Melody Ragland. She had been hospitalized after a stroke Feb. 11. Carr succeeded the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. as president of the Montgomery Improvement Association in 1967, a post she held at her death. It was the newly formed association that led the boycott of city buses in the Alabama capital in 1955 after Parks, a black seamstress, was arrested for refusing to give up her seat to whites on a crowded bus.A year later the U.S. Supreme Court struck down racial segregation on public transportation."

Johnnie Carr is one of the three major icons of the Civil Rights Movement: Dr. King, Rosa Parks and Johnnie Carr," said Morris Dees, co-founder of the Southern Poverty Law Center. "I think ultimately, when the final history books are written, she'll be one of the few people remembered for that terrific movement." As the Improvement Association's president, Carr helped lead several initiatives to improve race relations and conditions for blacks. She was involved in a lawsuit to desegregate Montgomery schools, with her then-13-year-old son, Arlam, the named plaintiff."

She hadn't been sick up until she had the stroke," Arlam Carr said Saturday. "It was such a massive stroke that she never was able to recover from it. She was still very active - going around and speaking - but it was just one of those things." She played a prominent role in 2005 on the 50th anniversary of Parks' refusal to give up her bus seat, speaking to thousands of school children who marched to the Capitol." Look back, but march forward," Carr urged the huge crowd of young people.

She also traveled to memorial services in Washington, where her eulogy of Parks was "really the most dynamic" moment, recalled Julian Bond, chairman of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People." There were many people who spoke who were much better known ... but she carried the day," said Bond, who helped found the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee. Just days before her stroke, Carr participated in King Day ceremonies in Montgomery, speaking after a parade.

Admirers marveled at her energy and commitment into her 90s. "She was always an encourager and not a divider," Mayor Bobby Bright told the Montgomery Advertiser. "She was just a loving person. She was truly the mother figure that we all so desperately needed in Montgomery during a very trying period of our history."In a statement, Gov. Bob Riley said Carr was a "remarkable woman and will be deeply missed." She was a true inspiration, Riley said, and "leaves behind a lasting legacy of pride, determination, and perseverance. "The family said funeral arrangements would be announced later. Arlam Carr said that his mother's 97th birthday was last month, but that the only place her age showed was on paper." She was still driving her own car. How many 97-year-olds are still driving and you feel comfortable with their driving?" he said.

"She has lived a very active life. If there's one thing about it, we all know we're going to leave here one day and this was just the time the Lord wanted her to 'come on'."Dees said he, too, was impressed with Carr's vigor and amazed that "she never showed the strain of age. Her voice was strong and her spirit was always cheerful.""One of the things I respect her for is she did not have the rancor and anger that so many local African-Americans of the civil rights movement had," he said. "She was very willing to build bridges.

Montgomery's always been very divisive, and she showed an example of reaching across racial lines."In recent decades, civil rights landmarks, including the site where Parks was arrested, have become historic points of interest for tourists."When we first started, we weren't thinking about history," Carr told The Associated Press in an interview in 2003. "We were thinking about the conditions and the discrimination."Bond called Carr a "spark plug" and "one of the remaining links we had to the Montgomery bus boycott.""She was remarkable to have had such a long career and to have held concern for justice in the forefront for all this time," he said. "It's a great tragedy that she's gone, and those of us who knew her are blessed to have that experience."

God bless you Johnnie Carr for making the difference and for taking a satnd--may we all be as brave and as bold as you were.

the flu bug

Well the last 3 days I have been sick with what I think is the flu--lot of diarrhea which is always so much fun--not! Then there is this kinda of sluggish all I want to do is sleep mood I am in when I feel like this. It's been hard because I really felt like I was better. It also has made it hard as I have also lost 3 more days worth of work doll wise and there is pressure to get something done.

My doctor's visit went really well and my tests were very good t-cells are now 143 versus the 77 they were and my viral load is 1,000 compared to 100,00--so I guess over all I am better. The only disturbing part was my weight which is now 213 and I feel like a big ole fat pig.


My weight has always been an issue for me from obese at my heaviest of 250 to my slimmest and most anorexic at 125--I have been everything in between. With the problems with my health off and on for the last 17 years my weight has always been an issue and many times I wish I could get past the hurdle. I really believe Carson Kressley should do his new show for men--like myself who can not bare to look at themselves naked.

Here in Ohio we are in the midst of all kinds of political commercials for President, Congressman--town pig farmer, OK that one I am kidding but it does get a little much after a while. It seems as if every time you turn around on TV there is Obama and Hillary. I know as many of you that this could very well be history in the making with either one of them ending up with the delegates vote and yes it is exciting but are people really going to be voting for the "person" or the issues they stand behind. It will be interesting to see how it unfolds.

President's Day

Well today was spent trying to get caught up with the over a month behind I am in doll repair work, while the last 4 days I took in 4 new jobs that right now are promised into June--thats how far behind I am. Got a phone call today that Mark Dennis got my depoist for the sculpting class in May--which I am so excited. I have to decide yet what I want to sculpt and to tell you the truth right now I have no idea.

The Physical Therapist I had the last few weeks came out to day and i have made so much progress that I no longer need aide, so my life more or less is back to "normal". I ask that you do keep me in your prayers as I am going through a difficult time again with some depression--what I think I need is some time off and away--not sure how I am going to get it--but I think it is what I need


This ia exactly what I need------------------------

Happy Valentine's Day

Wanted to take the time and wish all of you that read this blog a very Happy Valentine's Day.

Today was my first full day back to doll work as close to what my work load was before the start of everything that has happened the last few months. Took several hours just to reorganize and re-familiarize myself with my work space as it had been so long since I had really been in it. Hopefully I can catch up rather quickly with what I have fallen behind in.

Today actually took in 4 new pieces to repair for 2 customers all religious statues of a Cathollic nature--kind of ironic that it takes the "Jew" to fix them. Speaking of which it seems that is where my heart is leading me to believe more and more than ever before and hopefully the people in my life can and will accept it. I think it really hit home when Jim and I went to the church we are attending for "Ash Wednesday" and I was the only one in the room with no ashes on my head.

Something a little playful and "kinda naughty" for all of you for Valentine's Day but definetely not X-rated



Sorry gang if I haven't really been in the mood this month to blog but I didn't want this site to become one of my complaining all the time or the "whoa-is-me" mantra and there for awhile that is the way it seemed to be. I want this to be more about my own personal journey and what I find out about myself and what I want along the way.

Speaking of which I am very glad to say that I sent off my depoist yesterday for the May class in Sculpting with Mark Dennis. Well as always keep me in your prayers.