I wake up ung-dly sore all over, and there are days where it literally hurts to put my shoes on, let alone touch me. Somehow I do, drag myself out of bed, take a scalding hot shower, shave most days get dressed and slip on my shoes. I know it doesn't sound like much but when you feel like you have been thrown under the bus its a big freaking deal.
I just want so badly to achieve that I feel it is the driving force that keeps me moving. To struggle on, to be the person I know I am on the inside. I know this all sounds trite, but I guess it is my mood here lately. There are days where I just want to be so open, so honest and so frank about everything that I am sure for some it would scare them away screeaming into the night. But I feel many times there is literally no one to talk to. No one that relates and well it gets awfully lonely and very depressing. I mean how do you even start such a conversation like that in the first place? Oh by the way...........?
My one bright spot in all of this is my dogs. I have three, if your a new reader here, all female Shi Itzu's Jackie who is now 9, Glinda who is now 5 and Toto who is 4 and kids believe me when I say they fill a huge void by unconditionally loving me, needing me and happy to see me when I come home. They listen to my deepest and darkest thoughts, my secrets ambitions and know me better than anyone else.
They are the first faces I almost always see in the morning, many times Jim leaves for work before I am up and there they are---waiting for "daddy". Where is this post going I have no idea or what is my point--I am not sure, I guess I am just in a funk and I need to talk about. Isn't that what freinds are for? Maybe I just need some warm weather to snap out of it?! By the way can you believe already over 5,000 readers to this blog, how does that happen? Maybe somebody does relate?!
1 comment:
Oh I can relate. I know that somewhere, somehow there is an answer to this profound fatigue that pulls you into the bowels of hell, pain that chews you up and spits you out leaving you writhing in bed despite pain meds.
I keep telling Larry that I just wish I could walk , and stand and just get a hug like other people without it being so painful and so darn tiring. Just to get ready to go somewhere takes all the energy I have. Then going to whatever place takes days worth of energy that I must then spend days doing nothing to recoup. It is a heavy price to pay to go to the grocery store or out to see family.
But despite it all I don't give up because that is not in my nature and not yours either. I guess that is the secret to winning this war on fibro/chronic fatigue, not giving up and waiting for that cure. I just hope I haven't lost the best part of my life by the time they find it. Until then I too, do the best I can, the most I can, and pay the price for trying to just enjoy the simple things in life.
Don't despair, there are so many of us that are in the life boat trying to get to shore that do understand and do care. It's just our disease keeps us many times from getting out there with others that share the boat.
I send you internet hugs...the non hurting kind.
Love, Christina
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