The Silence

Just because you do not speak its name

Makes it any less real

Or make what has happened from going away

Just because you can not see it around you

does not make it vanish into thin air

as if it never happened in the first place

Just because you can not confront it in your life

does not make it any less so

Just because you will not address the hurt

does not make the loss or grief any less

Sometimes standing up for what you believe to be true and just

is the hardest and most painful thing you can do

Sometimes it causes tremendous heartache to your soul

Many times it may destroy ties that normally bind

But most of all The SILENCE only destroys even more

Happy Memorial Day Weekend

Well I don't know where the majority of this year has gone but here we are at Memorial Day Weekend already, the season begins to travel ( some of us done the Yellow Brick Road), go to the beach, start are summer reading, attend graduation parties, have Bar-B-Ques and even plant gardens.

For many of us from the old school of thought it is also the time of the year where we pause and remember those close to our hearts that we have lost--- Mothers, Fathers, Brothers, Sisters, Spouses, Lovers/Companions. And for some of us remembering those we have lost to war. Those men and women who gave their lives so we have the freedoms and liberties we do today.

Whether we agree with the war in Iraq or not, whether we agree with the policies and procedures of this current administration or not... these men and woman give of themselves freely and many with their lives. It isn't about policital parties, public aggreement or disapproval its about those in service.

I have noticed many of these men and woman who have died in this current war are well under 30 years old and for such a young life to end so suddenly is tragic at best. A sacrifice many of us could not begin to understand. For those families who have lost a loved one in this war or any war at any time, my thoughts and prayers go ou to you and may you somehow find comfort.

So until this war is over my prayers are with our troops for G-d's safety while they are there, a speedy end to this war and that all who remain there come home safely, healthy and alive.

A life lived

A life lived in fear is not much of a life lived

A life lived in doubt is one lived in confusion

A life lived in secrets is a life half lived with those who care

A life lived in an uncertain future

because you are afraid to step out

is a life lived in cowardice

My life will be one lived in hope

A life lived in faith

A live lived in what I know is undeniably right

A life lived where I truly listen to those I care for

A life lived in courage

A life that may not be like yours

because I will never have what you have

but who is to say that yours is any better or any worse

than the life I have lived

Walk a thousand miles in my well worn shoes

and understand where I am from

and who I really am, and then I in return walk

a thousand miles in yours---- only then

will we know each other inside and out

Sometimes the still small voice in the depths

of your heart is all you need

All you have to do is to listen to it, once it is found

it maybe a friend who sees it before you

it maybe a thought you have in the store

and it may come from a complete stranger that brings it to light

But you should not live a life that leaves you unfulfilled,

full of doubt and dead inside and out when there is

a very real way out. All you have to do is

LISTEN

Yolando King dies yesterday

What an incredible loss to such an incredible legacy--One person really can make the difference--Her father did and still does, her mother did and still does and so does Yolando. My sister in freedom, my kindred soul in a deep seeded faith may you find your rest and peace and may your parents along with Our Creator embrace you in their arms. "Free at last, free at last, thank G-d Almighty we are free at last. I strongly recommend you listen to the "Youtube" video as you read the info about Yolando below and her death and legacy.

Martin Luther King Jr.'s Daughter Dies at 51
By ERRIN HAINES
AP

ATLANTA (May 16) - Yolanda Denise King, daughter and eldest child of civil rights leader the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., has died, said Steve Klein, a spokesman for the King Center.
Yolanda Denise King, daughter of Martin Luther King Jr., spoke to the media in the Netherlands in January. She was the most visible and outspoken child of the civil rights leader. King died late Tuesday in Santa Monica, Calif., at age 51. Klein said the family did not know the cause of death but think it might have been a heart problem.
Born on Nov. 17, 1955, in Montgomery, Ala., King was just an infant when her home was bombed during the turbulent civil rights era. As an actress, she appeared in numerous films and even played Rosa Parks in the 1978 miniseries "King." She also appeared in "Ghosts of Mississippi." She founded a production company called Higher Ground Productions.
King was also an author and advocate for peace and nonviolence. Her death comes more than a year after the death of her mother, Coretta Scott King. Yolanda King is survived by her sister, the Rev. Bernice A. King; two brothers, Martin Luther King III and Dexter Scott King; and an extended family.
Arrangements would be announced later, the family said in a statement. Yolanda King was the most visible and outspoken among the Kings' four children during activities honoring this year's Martin Luther King Day in January, the first since Coretta Scott King's death.
At her father's former Atlanta church, Ebenezer Baptist, she performed a series of one-actor skits on King Day this year that told stories including a girl's first ride on a desegregated bus and a college student's recollection of the 1963 desegregation of Birmingham, Ala.
She also urged the audience at Ebenezer to be a force for peace and love, and to use the King holiday each year in January to ask tough questions about their own beliefs on prejudice. "We must keep reaching across the table and, in the tradition of Martin Luther King Jr. and Coretta Scott King, feed each other," King said.
When asked then by The Associated Press how she was dealing with the loss of her mother, King responded: "I connected with her spirit so strongly. I am in direct contact with her spirit, and that has given me so much peace and so much strength."

JUST too damn FUN

Ok, I know it's a little much but it fits my mood today JUST to damn fun! Hope this gets you dancing like it did me!!! Lisa Varuolo this made me think of you for some reason and me dancing to Cher at Chicago!!! Love ya Lisa and all my other Barbie Convention friends !!

ROCK OUT

Ever have one of those blue days.......

I don't think I need to say anything here and let the song speak for itself. Just one of those days when I'm feeling down.

Gardening and such

Yesterday here was just gorgeous so Jim and I spent the morning weeding the flower beds as every now and then I just have to break away from the dolly work, it seems to get to me at times if you know what I mean. Like at times its all I freaking do--somehow I want more than that I am just not sure exactly what it is I want at times.

Maybe more time to read, would love to write a book which someone close just recommended me doing, more time to paint, more time outdoors, more time building relationships with people that I already knw and making them better--and waht ever G-d brings my way.

The new cd's I ordered and got for $2.00 a piece finally arrived-- alot of Micheal Buble, Miceal Bolton's newst one, Biannca Ryan and of course the original soundtrack to "Dreamgirls" so the next few days will be filled with new music from the old cd player.

Did some work on another kid leather body where the leather is rotting away for a while and then the great weather called me back outside, so I gave in and spent another 2 hours out doors just reading with Jackie.

The evening was rather quiet as Jim worked till 7 p.m. then we had this great Chinese take out dinner on the enclosed porch we have on the house by candle light. It was very nice indeed and for theboth of us an early night to bed. The "Youtube" vidoe today is from a great entertainer I had the privilege of meeting many years ago named Jim Bailey who visually and vocally does Judy Garland, Barbra Streisand and a few other--Hope you enjoy.

"Every day the path to your own spirituality starts
with clarifying who you are and what you want.

Not just things--things are easy. I mean the stuff that really matters.

Life isn't just about what you can have; it's about what you have to give.
What kind of person do you want to be?"
-- Oprah Winfrey

object width="425" height="350">

Shalom

Update

Well gang yesterday was a really rough day for me physically speaking, I had the last of the 3 teeth I needed pulled out--pulled out and I was in agony the rest of the day. It was the left side of my face, bottom row of teeth and the last in that row. 2 full shots of Novacaine plus gas and i was still miserable. So its soft food for a few days but when I go back in July fully healed for my cleaning, check up we will be talking a paartial for what is missing--thank G-d I will finally feel human.

I went to day to my General Practioner today for my check up and my weight is back to 200 pounds even after being 150 at Christmas--feeling a little fat honestly but doc says I look great. I have a new cream for the psorasis on my chest of all places, and this itty bitty rash/bumps on both my hands, plus a new sleeping pill as I have had these horrid nightmares about every 3 days where I am attending my own funeral. VERY creepy indeed--according to Kabbalah there is a deep seeded message in dreams I just for the life of me have to figure it out.

Well the tulips are finished, the lilacs are still in full bloom and now I have miniature Iris in bloom, tonight we got Lily of the Vallet from the neighbor as she was thinning them out. Have been trying to grow cucumber from seeds from indoors and so far not even a hint of anything, maybe have to buy them already started. Would like to grow tomatoes as well this year.

This afternoon was spent listing 3 paintings on E-bay and honestly I will be more than thrilled if just one sells. Maybe have to offer up a burnt Barbie sacrifice to the g-ds for it to happen but so be it !

Shalom

True Colors

This piece was actually the start of the end of "my dark period" and probably is my second favorite after the Anna Nicole piece. I think because it is so abstract, reveals so much but yet is coy--powerful yet thought provoking--a real look into what at the time was making me tick if you will. My first painting if you will of a nude. I have drawn them before but until now not painted one.

I have bought a few books to learn how to draw the nude better and may paint something more life like as I go along. This is done in acrylics as well and measures 22x28. This is also the first piece I varnished myself versus paying the studio where I take lessons to varnish it for me--a savings in the long run considering the amount I have been painting.

I have one I am working on now and 2 more drawn out and my brother you was by Saturday gave me more canvases to paint as well--he's a sweet kid. He and his wife started moving in the non-essentials this weekend and should hopefully have their move completed by June first so we have new upstairs tenants and my soon to be 7 year old nephew as well. Like I said a few days back it will be nice having them closer-- Well gang till tomorrow--- Shalom

"The Start of a Dark Period"

(I recommend that you listen to the music form the "Youtube" video on the bottom of this post as you read this) This was originally a drawing I did 15 years ago while in college. It was a homework assignment we had to do usually only 2 colors and nothing more. This is what I came up with. The paper that I had it one, had seen better days and the original was only done in marker. I decided right then and there once I found the original that I had to do it as a painting.

The painting is bigger than the drawing and without the frame measures 24x36, is painted in acrylic paints and as you can tell is only in black and white. The drawing was done in a very dark time in my life when all of my friends were dying around me from AIDS, I had gone from just and HI+ diagnosis myself to on of AIDS and 15 years we knew not nearly what we do today. I was very scared, very angry and literally ready to die myself--only having been HIV+ a year.

The painting as well as the drawing was the three faces of death-- those just finding out they are going to die, those closer to death and maybe even lingering and those dead. Many who saw it originally thought immediately of something from the Holocaust and maybe to some degree it is--My personal Holocaust of living with AIDS. Many people in the years that have seen the drawing either loved the piece or hated it. The paints make the piece MUCH darker/morose than the original but in my mind so be it.

This is also the painting that had a lady acquaintance in my Art Classes worried that I was on the verge of a Mental Collapse. Granted it still is the darkest thing I have ever done in my life but it states where I have been a few times in my life and most recently when I lost "my Ron" to AIDS. It is something I rarely talk about, and I hardly ever share my thoughts on my own future as well--I try only to stay focused on this moment only and nothing more--for after all it is all that we really have.

So for all those innocent lives lost now almost 65 years ago in the Holocaust, for the millions of innocents who have died and are dying of AIDS-- I hope and I pray-----

NEVER AGAIN!

Shalom

Happy Cinco de Mayo

in the spirit of Cinco de Mayo which was yesterda, and my still my still enjoyinig last nights Mexican Dinner---here is a little something--now every body all together----"Shake......"

This last week

Well this last week has been very busy with doll repairs, blood work drawn in Cleveland on Wednesday that took most of the entire afternoon, the photograher here yesterday shooting my paintings so I can post them here and maybe try E-Bay again with some of the newer stuff, getting the upstairs apartment ready as my brother and family are starting to move some of the non-essentials in this weekend, and then just the normal day to day stuff. Whew, I am just tired typing about it all !!

I am sure many of you realte to that feeling that at times it just all gets a little overwhelming, and that you need to take the time to slow down and enjoy life as it comes along. So while in Cleveland Wednesday I did stop for about 20 minutes and enjoy the beach at Lake Erie, a little early in the season and a little chilly right on the lake but it was so peaceful and beautiful and actually rolled up my pants and walked barefoot in the semi-warm sand. Hopefully I can get back as it gets warmer.

Today was rather quiet doing errands and such, nothing spectacular but a change from the norm. The lilac bush imn the back yard is in full bloom and brought in some branches indoors to enjoy the fragrance as well. When it was time to go to bed I set them on the window seat next to the bed so we could smell them all night. The say it helps the memory--we will see, here lately a little scatter brained . The cherry tree in the front yard is in full bloom too and is just so pretty, with this weekned being the Cherry Blossom Fesival in Barberton with a small carnival and booths. Its on Lake Anna and the trees with the lake early this afternoon was just wonderful.

Spent part of yesterday seeting up "saved posts" for the new paintings that should be in this site in the next few days so stayed tuned. I think you willlike the posts, the paintings and the "Youtube" vidoes that go with the paintings/posts. The below "Youtube" is for all of you that have been there for me, believed in me, supported me thru the rough times, encouraged my work and have been my friends thru the thick and thin. G-d bless you all and thank you for "Always being there to love me"

Peace out

Charlie

Madonna and Child--Greek Orthodox flavor

OK, I have wanted to paint this style of painting since way before Ron got really bad, let alone when he died. Well, I finally faced my "I can't paint like that" demons and went in head over heels. One of my most ambitious paintings to date. this piece measures 40x50 and has a fair amount of 14 carat Gold paint in it, just like the real Greek Icons painted in Greece. I hope all of you think like i do that I captured the whole flavor of icon art, the whole Greek Influence, and that of even of Mary and Jesus. Below for your listening enjoyments the perfect "Youtube" video.... Ava Maria on of my all time favorite "Catholic" songs and I wish I could learn all of it to sing it some day.

Lamb Of G-d

This next painting was done before Easter and was displayed in our church Narthax on the good Friday Evening service. It was painted in what some have called my "Dark Period", which may or may not be over.....

It was a place I was in for over a month and I felt it shared what I was feeling and emotionally going thru without my ever saying a word. An acquaintance I barely know said that she "was concerned that I was on the verge of an emotional collapse"--not nearly that severe just as they say in some religious circles--- "in the valley of the shadow of death" and feeling very alone and vulnerable. It's called "Lamb of G-d" and is posted below this "Youtube clip" that fits this painting perfectly. So enjoy the painting and Ms. Mahalia Jackson.............

My loving tribute to...... Anna Nicole Smith

Well gang I have been sitting on this secret long enough and I finally got it photographed on Thursday (May 3rd), scanned and uploaded to here to share with all of you. This is painted in acrylics and measures 24 x 30 and has painted wrap around canvas, in the gallery style and is ready for hanging. I had so much fun painting Anna, shed a few tears and felt a bond to a very special woman.

I didn't realize till a few weeks ago that she like countless of my friends died before she was 40. What a tremedously sad story and sad ending, if only somehow I had known her to have maybe helped. Born November 28th, 1967 died February 8th, 2007 Rest in Peace Anna.

This very touching "Youtube" video I found so you can see more clips of her as you also see the painting which I called "Darling...Anna Nicole". I am sure it won't be the last time I paint her.

May 2nd--Finally what i have been waiting for

Ok ya'all I have been waiting months and months for it to finally happen and it has "Dreamgirls" on DVD. Kids, this movie was the biggest most bitchingist movie this guy has ever seen --EVER! Jennifer Hudson carries most of the damn thing and has our home girl Beyonce BEAT by a mile. Fabulous outfits, great songs and till May 4th I believe only $15.99 at Giant Eagle and you earn Fuel Perks too--WHOPPEE--Guess who bought it and going to probably wear the damn thing out!!!

Other than that a rather quiet day here very sunny mornig and afterronn a few more days and the lilac's will be blooming, will have to cut some and bing them in to enjoy. That leather bodied German doll is crapola--whole bottom half everytime I touched it disinegrated--going to have to make a whole new lower body and maybe upper too.

Have a friend who happens to be a professional photographer pohotgraph all my new work/paintings so will be doing posts with them in the next few days--So stay tuned and check them out. Including a very special tribute painting I did for a very special lady and someone I would have loved to had been friends with along with a very touching and tear provoking YouTube post.

Started on 65 outfits for the Strawberry Shortcake Convention that I agreed to do for them, and get this kids--I'm getting paid---Yippee!!!!! All the same outfit of my choice and they are the convention souveniors--My name in the spot light But OY VEY, what a teeny weenie doll. I will either go blind or crazy . I am dedicated and a few people say nuts. Until then enjoy the original "Effie White" Jennifer Holiday----And I am Telling You I am not going......

PEACE out and love

Charlie

April 30th

Well gang, its the end of April and I have no idea where it all went. Is it me or does time to go faster the older we get? Remember the days in grade school when we all were counting days till summer vacation and a month seemed to be an eternity away? Oh, for those simpler times--at times.

Jim is feeling much better today than yesterday so thank you all for praying for him, maybe it was just a 24 hour thing. But last night was Jackie's (my 5 year old Shi Itzu) night for being sick. Five times of cleaning up doggie barf is even taxing for the strong stomach person but when its me and my "weak constitution" it was a little much. I know not her fault but trying none the less. So I skipped doing all the hair and make-up for the cast of "My Fair Lady" last night as my baby comes first. I know a fair amount of us agree with that statement when it comes to our pets.

I spoke with a friend yesterday via e-mail and for those of you lucky enough to be going to the 2007 National Barbie Doll Collectors Convention, you all have less than 2 months to go. Wish Jim and i were going as it has been 3 years since our last time, but it isn't the cards this year. Maybe for Barbie's 50Th Birthday in Washington D.C.

This morning its of to the local elementary school to see about enrolling my 7 year old nephew in the fall as my brother is planning on moving down in here June if all goes as planned. It will be nice having them closer considering gas is $3.00 here again and talk it will be $4.00 bu summer. I think its time to buy a horse !



Well this morning was one of those days where you stumble out of bed at 5 a.m. bleary eyed having to pee, you do and go back to bed to find out you can't fall back asleep oh well maybe I can get more done today than normal or at the very take a longer nap . Its off to start my day and if I get a chance as I go will update you how it all unfolds.

Until then my friends now that you are in my thoughts--- Friends, I pray that life will treat you kind, the wind always at your back , give us faith that we will be safe and your day filled with grace.

Peace out---Charlie

For my Friends--- I Do Love You All

Well Jim is feeling some better after about 13 hours of sleep, so thank you all for your prayers. He still feels a little sore and tired so let's keep praying he is back on his feet rather fast. We skipped church this morning so to some degree this video maybe made up for it.

This also tho is for all of you in my life that I hold so very close to my heart some longer then others but it is all of you that add richness and fullness to my life and for that I am very thankful "That You Are My Friend"! I guess my mood this morning is just one of thank fullness for what I have.

Maybe it's this time of the year with everything growing and blooming. All the tulips Jim and I planted last fall are in full bloom all 100 of them--Just gorgeous I might add, the hostas are springing up, the lilac is getting its little tiny buds that in weeks will be full fragrant blooms and the wilted grass has been mowed twice already and is so green, and each day I awake I am feeling more blessed and graced to be given the opportunity to live it.

It also could be, because I lost this week an old friend Flloyd (yes his real name) on Tuesday. I knew he had been ill some time with throat cancer but I guess I didn't realize how ill he was till I got the e-mail that he had died. What I can't to seem to remember tho is if he was also HIV+. Not that it makes a huge difference, its just I can't remember.

I first met Flloyd when I moved back to Ohio after living in Ft. Lauderdale for a brief period of time. I was a mere 20 years old, and I just recently outed myself to my family and friends.

I met Flloyd at the very first Cleveland gay bar I had been to. I had been to many before that but in Florida and a few in other cities but never Cleveland. Anyway, the night I met Flloyd he was his "alter ego" Ms. Magnolia Thunder***** (for the faint of heart, or those that take offense easily, I left some of the spelling out). He was a Scag Drag Queen as it is called in the business. For those needing to know what that is--- it is a drag queen but with his beard or moustache and maybe both. Anyway, "Maggie", as friends called him in and out of drag had blue glitter in his moustache and eyebrows in this horrific dress from Goodwill and was getting ready to do this comedy number based on Patsy Cline's "Crying".

"Maggie", being the guy he was--was fond of younger "men" and dressed as he was proceeded to hit on yours truly! I guess I was the dish in my younger days . Nothing ever romantically ever became of it, but we were very close "girlfriends" as he called us.

He was the first to help to start Cleveland's chapter of ACT UP which I belonged too, Queer Nation and the very first Ohio Queen to raise money and awareness to those dying of AIDS in a hospice setting called Kamana House.

He and I with many, many others did what he called "Cabaret Under the Stars" for years with all of the proceeds going to Kamana House. The show of course was in his home bar "The Leather Stallion" and was the seasons first outdoor show and rasied thousands of dollars yearly. How fitting his memorial show'service will be one of the first shows outdoors and I will be their as his friend.

"Maggie" my friend, I'll miss you terribly, miss those hideous and hysterical costumes, the even funnier routines and your tender, giving, caring heart. Rest in Peace my friend and start planning that huge "Cabaret of the Stars in Heaven" when we all get there.

Peace Out-
Charlie

My Fair Lady and First "You Tube" Video post

Well the last few days have been for me with doing all the hair and make-up for most of the cast of "My Fair Lady" that our community theatre is doing, the one I was suppose to be Henry Higgins in but ending up leaving because of the pneumonia I had in March. it has been long nights and lots of costumes to change but it is so different than doll work that I just love it! Jackie (thats my 5 yo Shi Itzu) hates my being gone that long.

The bear is finished thank G-d and started work on a kid leather body on a German Headed doll today. The body for the most part is all dried rot and cover most of it in new duck cloth. Going to be pain I can tell. The thing is stuffed with saw dust to boot which makes tis incredibly messy. Should only be a few days worth of work I hope.

Jim worked half a shift tonight and came home sick, so join me and pray that he gets to feeling better soon, and add to that--that whatever it is Jim has I don't get! Which by the way, I usually do ,groan>.

Also gang just as of today learned how to add "You Tube" videos to my site so will be posting some periodically that will fit my overall mood or the mood of the post. The below is in the spirit of playfulness that I am feeling right now. Hope you all enjoy the blast from the past. Anyone else wear their hair in the "Madonna bob" like I did?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRIYvfhXrdA


Peace out

"[Faith] is the response of the soul to the divine thrust toward perfection,
toward greater, more perfect wholes."
-- Rabbi Jacob B. Agus

Well, yesterday was spent first at my Art Classes that I take at an actual studio and I am still working on my very first Landscape in Oil and have been since October it is coming along nicely. Considering the class is only 3 hours long and only once I week I guess the time line is enough. I a m at the point though at the class were I would love to finish this piece and start a new one.

The painting I am working on now at home is coming along nicely and will post a picture of it as soon as I have it done and a picture taken. I personally think its one of the best I have done. I don't want to tip my hand at what it is I am painting as I want all of you fairly surprised!

By the time class was over it was lunch at the house which Jim had ready and time to change my clothes grab some Cd's and get in the car for my doctor's appointment. It's almost an hour drive for me to the doctor's office but he is the best in his field and I have seen him for years. he wants me to have new blood work the first week of May, see a dermatologist for the rash on my hands and other than that my next check-up with him is in August. Coming back wasn't as fast with the construction, fog, rain and RUSH HOUR traffic which snarled its way it seemed for ever and a hour and a half later I was home. Thank G-d for cell phones so Jim knew what had happened even though he was already at work.

It was a real quiet night here finishing that stupid bear for one of our customers and all I have left is to sew on his nose and mouth which I will do this afternoon with other sewing jobs I have. The rain continued most of the night here. This morning though my day started at 6 a.m. as I couldn't sleep and started in on some overdue doll work, did the dishes, and made some ice tea.

I would like to take the time to invite all of you who read my site to take the time and check out Sean Tataryn's Myumee's New My Space page http://profile.myspace.com/myumees . Between the incredible photos the other thing that really grabbed me was the music!!! It was like Madonna club music, just utterly FAB-U-LOUS!!! That's three words kids and not one to make it last longer !! All I have to do now is figure out is how to add music here. Maybe not Madonna but something different and FUN!!! Sean if you are reading this GREAT work and great blog. If I can't figure it out maybe make the switch to My Space !! I don't even know if you my readers would follow me to a third new site . Going to have to see if there is a HTML for Dummies book.

Well gang next time, keep happy, busy and love from my home to yours.

Peace out

Charlie

"To be fully human is to believe in something or someone,
to know that it's possible to face the unimaginable
and somehow put one foot in front of the other
until you manage to find your home again."
-- Oprah Winfrey