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Friday, November 28, 2008

A slap upside my head

I want to share part of a private letter I got from a very dear man and a great freind of mine John Fricke--which was my wake up call, my slap upside my head. If you receieve e-mail from you then you recognize.....

"Yeah, it's sad, believe me missy, When you're born to be a sissy, Without the vim and verve. But I could show my prowess,Be a lion not a mowess, If I only had the nerve.I'm afraid there's no denyin' I'm just a dandelionA fate I don't deserve.

Which I close all my e-mails with

......I have a question. Is there a reason all your emails -- private and public -- conclude with the partial lyric from "If I Only Had the Nerve"? It's a great song, no question...but given the fact that you're such a survivor and a triumphant human being in terms of your talent and your personal life and your achievements, I just find it oddly negative. It's nothing at ALL that I would ever associate with you; you need to find a lyric about a champion!

John F.

I decided to share that letter and my response to it because I felt it fit a thread of thought I have had since yesterday's post.

My Dear John:

I picked that lyric at the time because I thought I associated with it quiet a bit. Living as long as I have with AIDS I have felt off and on that it has been a life in fear, never the courage to live and do the things I would really love to do. I have felt so shut out at times, and left out at times and on the edge of life itself many times. Never the money to not worry like I do about the future if something should happen.

It seems like I never give myself enough credit for the things I have done, I continue to do and the goals I want to reach before the end of it.

I have never had the confidence in myself for what I really wanted, and I have never had the family support I needed to feel like I could do it on my own, I have always put myself last. It is Jim to a large degree that has made realize the talent that is there along with the skill. Made me think what do I really want.
John, I never thought nearly 18 years this July 16th that I would live this long and the plans I had at one time all died when I found out that it was AIDS, my life has never been the same. It has made me into who I am but to a large degree I feel like I have settled for less many times. Sometimes for the good and some times for the bad.

.......the last two months I have been seriously thinking of going back to college but I am so torn about what to take--my heart ADORES fashion, my mind says I want to write because I feel at many times I have no voice at all, but I have no idea what to write........

Being at the festival and meeting all of the incredible people there--and three of the biggest influences on me were Danny Windsor-- because of where he has been and what he has seen.

Michael Siewert- because of his love of clothes and primarily Judy's and you. You have made yourself into someone who does what he loves for a living--write, talk and educate about Judy. It didn't dawn on me at the time what a role you play in "Judy"-- I didn't realize there were the "talks" before some of her movies out on DVD......

My heart and my soul have not been the same since the festival. All I think about it is Judy, all I listen to is Judy, all I want to learn about is Judy, all I buy is Judy--I have fallen in love with Judy like never before, the only place I am finding peace is in the room I have set up with my Judy items in it.........

Between the festival and Michael and you it has been nothing but Judy ever since...... Sorry to have rambled.

Always Charlie

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