Civil Rights Activist Johnnie Carr dies

MONTGOMERY, Ala. (Feb. 23) - Johnnie Carr, who joined childhood friend Rosa Parks in the historic Montgomery bus boycott and kept a busy schedule of civil rights activism up to her final days, has died. She was 97.

Carr died Friday night, said Baptist Health hospital spokeswoman Melody Ragland. She had been hospitalized after a stroke Feb. 11. Carr succeeded the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. as president of the Montgomery Improvement Association in 1967, a post she held at her death. It was the newly formed association that led the boycott of city buses in the Alabama capital in 1955 after Parks, a black seamstress, was arrested for refusing to give up her seat to whites on a crowded bus.A year later the U.S. Supreme Court struck down racial segregation on public transportation."

Johnnie Carr is one of the three major icons of the Civil Rights Movement: Dr. King, Rosa Parks and Johnnie Carr," said Morris Dees, co-founder of the Southern Poverty Law Center. "I think ultimately, when the final history books are written, she'll be one of the few people remembered for that terrific movement." As the Improvement Association's president, Carr helped lead several initiatives to improve race relations and conditions for blacks. She was involved in a lawsuit to desegregate Montgomery schools, with her then-13-year-old son, Arlam, the named plaintiff."

She hadn't been sick up until she had the stroke," Arlam Carr said Saturday. "It was such a massive stroke that she never was able to recover from it. She was still very active - going around and speaking - but it was just one of those things." She played a prominent role in 2005 on the 50th anniversary of Parks' refusal to give up her bus seat, speaking to thousands of school children who marched to the Capitol." Look back, but march forward," Carr urged the huge crowd of young people.

She also traveled to memorial services in Washington, where her eulogy of Parks was "really the most dynamic" moment, recalled Julian Bond, chairman of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People." There were many people who spoke who were much better known ... but she carried the day," said Bond, who helped found the Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee. Just days before her stroke, Carr participated in King Day ceremonies in Montgomery, speaking after a parade.

Admirers marveled at her energy and commitment into her 90s. "She was always an encourager and not a divider," Mayor Bobby Bright told the Montgomery Advertiser. "She was just a loving person. She was truly the mother figure that we all so desperately needed in Montgomery during a very trying period of our history."In a statement, Gov. Bob Riley said Carr was a "remarkable woman and will be deeply missed." She was a true inspiration, Riley said, and "leaves behind a lasting legacy of pride, determination, and perseverance. "The family said funeral arrangements would be announced later. Arlam Carr said that his mother's 97th birthday was last month, but that the only place her age showed was on paper." She was still driving her own car. How many 97-year-olds are still driving and you feel comfortable with their driving?" he said.

"She has lived a very active life. If there's one thing about it, we all know we're going to leave here one day and this was just the time the Lord wanted her to 'come on'."Dees said he, too, was impressed with Carr's vigor and amazed that "she never showed the strain of age. Her voice was strong and her spirit was always cheerful.""One of the things I respect her for is she did not have the rancor and anger that so many local African-Americans of the civil rights movement had," he said. "She was very willing to build bridges.

Montgomery's always been very divisive, and she showed an example of reaching across racial lines."In recent decades, civil rights landmarks, including the site where Parks was arrested, have become historic points of interest for tourists."When we first started, we weren't thinking about history," Carr told The Associated Press in an interview in 2003. "We were thinking about the conditions and the discrimination."Bond called Carr a "spark plug" and "one of the remaining links we had to the Montgomery bus boycott.""She was remarkable to have had such a long career and to have held concern for justice in the forefront for all this time," he said. "It's a great tragedy that she's gone, and those of us who knew her are blessed to have that experience."

God bless you Johnnie Carr for making the difference and for taking a satnd--may we all be as brave and as bold as you were.

the flu bug

Well the last 3 days I have been sick with what I think is the flu--lot of diarrhea which is always so much fun--not! Then there is this kinda of sluggish all I want to do is sleep mood I am in when I feel like this. It's been hard because I really felt like I was better. It also has made it hard as I have also lost 3 more days worth of work doll wise and there is pressure to get something done.

My doctor's visit went really well and my tests were very good t-cells are now 143 versus the 77 they were and my viral load is 1,000 compared to 100,00--so I guess over all I am better. The only disturbing part was my weight which is now 213 and I feel like a big ole fat pig.


My weight has always been an issue for me from obese at my heaviest of 250 to my slimmest and most anorexic at 125--I have been everything in between. With the problems with my health off and on for the last 17 years my weight has always been an issue and many times I wish I could get past the hurdle. I really believe Carson Kressley should do his new show for men--like myself who can not bare to look at themselves naked.

Here in Ohio we are in the midst of all kinds of political commercials for President, Congressman--town pig farmer, OK that one I am kidding but it does get a little much after a while. It seems as if every time you turn around on TV there is Obama and Hillary. I know as many of you that this could very well be history in the making with either one of them ending up with the delegates vote and yes it is exciting but are people really going to be voting for the "person" or the issues they stand behind. It will be interesting to see how it unfolds.

President's Day

Well today was spent trying to get caught up with the over a month behind I am in doll repair work, while the last 4 days I took in 4 new jobs that right now are promised into June--thats how far behind I am. Got a phone call today that Mark Dennis got my depoist for the sculpting class in May--which I am so excited. I have to decide yet what I want to sculpt and to tell you the truth right now I have no idea.

The Physical Therapist I had the last few weeks came out to day and i have made so much progress that I no longer need aide, so my life more or less is back to "normal". I ask that you do keep me in your prayers as I am going through a difficult time again with some depression--what I think I need is some time off and away--not sure how I am going to get it--but I think it is what I need


This ia exactly what I need------------------------

Happy Valentine's Day

Wanted to take the time and wish all of you that read this blog a very Happy Valentine's Day.

Today was my first full day back to doll work as close to what my work load was before the start of everything that has happened the last few months. Took several hours just to reorganize and re-familiarize myself with my work space as it had been so long since I had really been in it. Hopefully I can catch up rather quickly with what I have fallen behind in.

Today actually took in 4 new pieces to repair for 2 customers all religious statues of a Cathollic nature--kind of ironic that it takes the "Jew" to fix them. Speaking of which it seems that is where my heart is leading me to believe more and more than ever before and hopefully the people in my life can and will accept it. I think it really hit home when Jim and I went to the church we are attending for "Ash Wednesday" and I was the only one in the room with no ashes on my head.

Something a little playful and "kinda naughty" for all of you for Valentine's Day but definetely not X-rated



Sorry gang if I haven't really been in the mood this month to blog but I didn't want this site to become one of my complaining all the time or the "whoa-is-me" mantra and there for awhile that is the way it seemed to be. I want this to be more about my own personal journey and what I find out about myself and what I want along the way.

Speaking of which I am very glad to say that I sent off my depoist yesterday for the May class in Sculpting with Mark Dennis. Well as always keep me in your prayers.

A very cold snowy day here in Ohio

A very cold and snowy day here but am still feeling better, thankfully

Back to Normal?

Ok I want to let you all know that this feeling better streak has now gone on for 3 days--no walker, no cane, on my own power, my own will and back to "normal". Many of you know that I don't use the word "normal as what the hell is that but I can not for the life of me come up with a better word to feeling better.

The above clip a friend of mind sent that I thought was very cool indeed and wanted to share it with all of you--so hope you enjoy.

Another fast note--Jane (from Everything Oz) I got my record playing over the weekend and finally am listening to all the Judy Garland records you sent me in December and January. The unit looks like an old radio--got it at Target and listening to Judy has made my day--so huge hugs and kisses!!

My other point here is in reference to a friend of mine going through a really rough time, what I want to know is why do some people have such a hard time in letting go especially when you keep getting emotionally so hurt, so often--so freaking walk away, hang up, no longer communicate, severe your ties. It has taken my friend months to do this and they STILL haven't been able to completely do it yet. Keep this friend of mine in prayer if you would.

Keep me in your thoughts tommorrow as I try to go back to a somewhat "normal" work load as far as doll work goes. Tonight I made dinner for the first time in a month and even did 2 sinks of dishes.

Another fast note here as well to all of you I finally have the money needed to take the Mark Dennis Sculpting Class I have wanted to take over a year now. An "anonymous donor" gave me the money, which of course left me specchless--which if you know me well, is hard to do but I am indebted to their kindness and generosity. So keep your eyes out over the next coule of months and hopefully very doon you will see some of my very first sculpted works right here.

FINALLY Feeling WICKED better

I wanted to let you all know for the last 3 days I felt as they say "Pretty DAMN GOOD" so lets hope the worst is over!!! By the way fo all you kidlets who have not seen WICKED, we did and now I am telling everyone they HAVE TO!!!!! So in that frame of thinking I found a club mix of "Defying Gravity"

update

just a note to try to keep you all up to date, I have had an aide out once this week finally and will be getting one 3 days a week for an our each visit. It was nice having the help. Jim took me out to lunch today, which was so very nice. It is the first I have really been out of the house except for those tests which seem so long ago. Granted I had to take a long nap but it was just nice getting out. A lot of the stress has seemed to gone away now that things have worked themselves out.

The dizziness isn't as bad as it was last week but if I could just somehow get back to what I was feeling like before Christmas.

Thank you all so much for keeping me in your prayers.

Charlie

Finally a breakthrough

I wanted to share a picture of these shirts I found on E-bay granted if the shipping for them wasn't horrific, I would seriously think about it as I think they are the coolest things I have seen. But then what do I want when they are coming from India There will be a picture below of another one as well

Well gang you will never believe who was here today finally after days and days of getting nowhere---the aide for the interview for home health. Granted it was the guy for physical therapy but hey it was a body!! He seems like a really nice guy 3 years younger than me and thanks to him as of tomorrow I have a 4 wheeled walker with brakes, the wheels pivot and has a seat! And thanks to our church--A HUGE SHOUT OUT YOU, Grace United Church of Church of Loyal Oak, all I have to do is pay $45.00 out of pocket.

The aide said he would be out in a few more days and then would also be applying from within to get an actual aide out in 2-3 days to do another interview for a total of 14 hours a week. It took him all of 10 minutes to get most of this done after the initial interview, I couldn't believe it.

I did happen to fall Saturday once at like 2:30 in the morning and once around 12:30 nothing hurt but that does make for 9 falls now, Mom's surgery is scheduled for tomorrow and there is a very big part of me that wishes I could be there, I just know for now it would deplete everything in me.

I also wanted to mention a friend of mine is moving here from the coast with in the next couple of days so please keep him in your prayers as well. He's traveling by bus it will be a haul, but looking so forward to seeing him soon. Will let all of you know when he gets here.

For all you fans of Idina Menzel of "Wicked" and "Rent" she has a BRAND NEW CD out and personally I can't wait to get it If and when I can get this of course id from that new CD and called "Brave"... so hopefully you will all enjoy this and remember--Keep me in your prayers

A Weekend post

Well gang, I first want apologize for not posting since Wednesday. Friday and Saturday in all honesty was some of the worst days walking wise I have had in a long, long time. The pain was shooting down my leg and a lot of it in my left knee and foot. Thursday in the morning it seemed like all I did was sleep--as the fatigue was so bad--while the afternoon and evening was answering phone calls.

I also want to thank one of my best long-distance friends Weaver for calling me. Sweetie you have no idea how much you brightened my day by calling, making me laugh forget for a while how bad things have been and for simply caring, it meant the world to me. For Christina, who always knows what to say in e-mails I also want to thank you as well--especially considering you absoultely, positively know where I am coming from, being sick yourself. I hope you are feeling some better and know that you have been in my prayers fo a long, long time.

Speaking of prayers, my mother needs them badly she faces surgery on her back very soon for 4 fractured vertebra from a fall she had Saturday the week I was in the emergency room. If she opts for no surgery or is not eligble for it because of her own health issues she will be basically bed-ridden and my mother is only 60 this year. She is way to young for this, in my opinion and I know that prayer when said can work miracles. If anyone would like to send her a card---- e-mail me privately and I will give you the adress--just sign them with your name and a friend of Charlie's

Being where I can barely walk across a room myself at many times and not being out of the house in over 2 weeks I feel utterly helpless, in regards to what is going on with my mother. The family is supppose meet with her doctor on Monday sometime and I have a friend going in my place but-somehow it doesn't feel the same. As the old saying goes--"when it rains it pours".

I do know that I have been so far able to handle it--I do have my moments, who doesn't--because of everything I have seen, lived through and experienced because of the 20 years of being in the trenches of AIDS. You grow up fast, for me I had to also know what I wanted, who I wanted in my life and honestly what I simply woudn't tolerate. It hasn't been easy but it has made me who I am. For that I am thankful. As the old Jerry Herman song says "I am what I am".

On that note, keep me in your prayers--Charlie

The incompetence of the system.............

Well after a racken fracken < in my best Yosemite Sam> 5 days with the local fakata AIDS Taskforce I am not eligible for services for an aide through them or even Ryan White Federal Money because I receive Medicaid/Medicare. And will not be eligible until I have EXHAUSTED EVERY OTHER RESOURCE POSSIBLE----her words exact!!!





The doctor said the referral I gave for an organization that my best and longest longtime friend works for I am not eligible for, as I do not need Skilled nursing--won't even supposedly send anybody out to evaluate me till it is at that time--period. My friend is trying to change that.

So then Jim and I looked up another facility that offers skilled/non-skilled and companion service but he said they do not accept Medicaid/Medicare and is private pay at $17.00 an hour with a minimum of 2 hours per visit. There is no way we can do that!

So then we called an agency out of the phone book that said they accepted all kinds of payment skilled/non-skilled and companion services but it has to be preapproved for Medicaid/Medicare which has to be done through the State Welfare/MRDD Department. Which we all now anything involving the government could take forever--or till I am dead.


I was so mad after yesterday I am on the verge of G-d knows what, it was like a fit the Tasmanian devil throws in those old Bugs Bunny movies.

I just don't know what to do am calling the Welfare/MRDD Department today and see where it gets me--in the mean time--- I guess lets hope.

Some rather sad Hollywood news from yesterday--that I couldn't do yesterday for some blogger/Internet issues--but actor Heath Ledger has died at the age of 28 from what app eras to be a drug overdose. Many of you may remember Heath form the phenomenal movie "Brokeback Mountain".

So on that not lets not only pray for me today but Heath's young daughter and his family......



The following is by the getlmen who made this incredible "Youtube post" if anything the music is very haunting---thank you guys both for what you did on behalf of Heath.

Heath was an amazing actor and he will be sorely missed by all those that were touched by his performances.

This is an instrumental piece, and it was chosen to convey the intimate, yet sweeping romanticism of Jack and Ennis's relationship.
By definition "Renouncement" means "to be resigned to, to give up or refuse". Toward the end of Jack and Ennis's 20 year relationship it was clear that Jack had become resigned to the fact that he could never BE with Ennis in the way he dreamed of ("I did once").

Their final climatic scene together at the lake overlooking Brokeback Mountain clearly was a turning point in Jack's mind and heart. As Jack stood by the Lakeside, looking out into the mountains...his mind raced with memories of his love for Ennis, thus begins the vision for "Renouncement".
There is a high quality version available for download.

http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.php.

MY 100th Post for this blog and over 600 hits

Well kidlets it has taken some time but we finally have arrived my 100th post in this blog and over 600 hits---thank you all so much for including me in your lives--it means so very much to me. And you know something none of those hits hurt .

Today was some better and with the walker some what more steady on my feet, but still managed to fall around 12:30 this afternoon--not nearly as hard as the other falls but it was still what it was--rolling my eyes! You know how Joan Crawford in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" can one get . If I couldn't laugh I think I would cry and I have been there done that--it weren't purty--no ma'm it wasn't purty.

Managed to call and leavea message for the case manager at the Taskforce and still haven't heard form her and we are going on 6:00 p.m. I also called my local doctor to see if I could get a referal for home health aide as I have a friend involved in it and she said I should be able to qualify as I am on Medicaid/Medicare. Hopefully within a few days the nurse will be out to interveiw me to see if I am eligible for the program. It can't hurt right? But I guess that is what the porcupine said to the sheep he wanted to date--I know I know, bad me!

Also for the dolly lovers out there I want to share the newest Robert Tonner doll from the "Wizard of Oz" series he is doing it is of course the Wicked Witch of the East.

Well until next time keep me in your prayers......

Charlie

Honoring Martin Luther King

44 years ago today this event was supppose to change our world....have we achieved everything Reverand Martin Luther King spoke of that day. 144 years ago Abraham Lincoln signed the decree of freedom from slavery of our brothers.

Many things have changed and I am not denying that by any means...but the Klu Klux Klan unfortunately still exists in the deepest south, segregation still is an issue are we all totally free. Can our children of all races truely hold hands? 1963 was the beginning, 2008 is the year to fully make his aspirations TRUE not only for Africans Americans but all people--gay, straight, married, divorced, widowed, never married, young or old, African American, Hispanic, Chinese, Oriental Cacausion and even mixed races.

I have a dream one day that we will rise up.......that our children will be judged by the content of their character.......join hands as sisters and brothers........ thank G-d Almighty I have a dream

A Descent into torment..................

Well, the following is news and is a mix of some good and some bad news. Yesterday morning--actually pre-dawn morning was not good for me I feel again at 1:30 and at 4:30 a.m. nothing hurt again but the second fall that night I had another emotional "meltdown" not nearly as bad as the one a few days ago but still for me a rather serious one. The day as a whole was ok--not good and not bad just ok.

By night I had a lot of problems walking and by 6:30 or so I was in bed with chest pains. They just steadily got worse as we were watching TV in the bedroom tell around 9:40 p.m. or so I passed out on the bed. This is all based on Jim's account as I don't remember much of waht happened for that entire night. He said I was verablly unresponsive for a good 5 minutes and he by that time had called the paramedics.

I was evaluted by the paramedics got on a stretcher hauled out to the ambulance--while last nights low here wasa mere 6 degrees. I do remember an IV, heart moniter, chewable asprins, and a nitorglycerin pill as they honestly thought I was having a heart attack. The ambulance of course flew to the hospital and I was rushed into emergency.

Was given more IV and blood tests, oxygen tests, connected to a heart moniter and apparently was figured out rather soon it WAS NOT a heart attack. I was also given another Xray and a CT scan of head (because of 6 total falls in 3 days), all of which turn out to be normal. The emergency room was not exactly sure what the pain was but was cosidered manageable after a shot of morphine and I was sent home.

Today with the assitance of Jim I was helped out of bed, dressed and was walking very, very slowly with a walker. It takes me forever to cross a room and I am very winded when I have to do it. The pain has not been all that bad today but some of the numbness is lingering and so is the dizziness.

My brother did come to visit me today with my 8 year old nephew who just a few weeks ago he and I watched "The Wizard of Oz" movie together for what was my nephews first time seeing it. I bring this up as I asked Nick (that's my nephew) and what he wanted to be when he grew up --keep in my mind he is an autistic child who can mange on his own rather well--what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said a typewriter. I said a what? and He responded a type writer so he could write stories. Of course I said Nick thats a writer and I asked what kind of stories he wanted to write and he said fantasy so he could write stuff like the Wizard of Oz. I asked if he would write me a story of Oz and he said he would--I can't wait. Maybe, just maybe I have a budding L. Frank Baum or Ruth Thompson on my hands.

I have the feeling this maybe a long term thing and that I am going to end up with a pain managment person and an aide--which at this point I deperately need. I do have a freind here that has volunteered to give me an hour a day every day she is off--about 2-3 days a week which of course better than what I have now.

As always I ask that you pray for me
Charlie

Thoughts for the day..a new journey begins

Well the day as a whole wasn't much better than yesterday--my feeling better is about the same. I did happen to fall first thing this morning right after breakfast and my pills in the kitchen. I didn't hurt anything but am sore of course. I took it easy for the rest of the day and around 1:30 went to get something to drink and feel again in the living room flat on my back. Still nothing hurt but the wind knocked out of me. Took a while to get up but at least I did.

I am reading this brand new book--at least for me-- "The Wisdom of Oz: Reflections of a Jungian Sandplay Therapist" by Gita Dorthy Morena--the great-daughter of L. Frank Baum by the way.

Anyway I wanted to share with all of you one of the thoughts I read to day in her book that I think for me is going to be life changing......

"One of the best-known references to the rainbow in our times occur in the Wizard of Oz. Although not part of Baum's original story, Judy Garland's singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" suggests that dreams may come true in a land beyond the rainbow, where birds fly freely and "clouds are far behind me". Although the Land Of Oz is not problem free, Dorothy's ability to overcome challenges and obtain her hearts desire reinforces the hope that rewards will come with persistent effort and determination. Rainbows are one of the most beautiful and majestic manifestations of pure light that can be perceived on the physical plane. When a rainbow's pathway of color crosses the sky, it creates a breathtaking spectacle and inspires a sense of wonder and awe. After a rainstorm, the rainbow's presence seems to emanate the imagination and suggests that the clear luminescence of the sun is not far behind the storm clouds of doubt and confusion."

After reading this for the first time in my life I realized why the attraction to the song--it has kept me going after the horrors of the "Holocaust of AIDS" in my life, the lost of people I truly cared deeply for and the fear that one day I may face unknown horrors of my own. After my "meltdown" yesterday it was an eye opening experience.

As Always I ask that you pray for.

Charlie

A new day and----- a meltdown

Well the new pills haven't kicked in all that much yet but somehow I feel better knowing they will be. I was actually feeling rahter well this morning and wen down to my art studio were I was taking lessons to get some advice on a picture I am painting of Anna Nicole Smith. I was there maybe 15 minutes top and feel a little tired when I left but in all honeesty not any more than usual.

Came home rested for a bit had some lunch and around one a clock stood up to go to the restroom--took thre to four steps and fell. Took a good 5 minutes to get off the floor. Didn't really hurt anything but just stunned that I fell. Got up made my way to te rest rrom and back. Sat and rested for a bit and about a half hour later needed something more to drink stood up to a couple of steps and fell again.

This time much harder than the first and that is when my meltdown accord. I just laid on the floor sobbing uncontrobly fora godd 15 minutes, so much so I think I scared my dogs. Just these gut wrenching sobs. I am not exactly sure what came over me but once i started I just couldn't stop.

I crawled into the bedroom with the phones closed my bedroom door with my dogs in with me so I could keep an eye on them. Laid down and cried some more till I feel asleep. JIm called form work and I told him I feel twice, think I scared him which of course I didn't want to do. He got home at 3 and I was still in bed resting and sore from falling.

I don't even know why I write these here, or why I even mention them--but to some degree it helps getting these things off my chest. To let those of you close to me--into my heart and my life. To let you share in some of my most private emotions.

After readig Mother Teresa book of Secret letters I am beginning to feel that she is right. That suffering draws you closer to G-d even though you may not actually feel him near you or even really He doesn't exist. I felt so close to the feet of G-d laying on the floor the second just sobbing out to Him. HIm the only oone really hearing me--the only one really seeing me--the only one knowing the extent of my pain.

I hope all of you can possibly see that my heart in all reality longs to be close to G-d--not the one of dogma and religious constrictions but the one that we all worship, the one we all love, the one that Hindus and Jews a like pray to, the same G-d that loves and acepts us as we are.

As always I ask that you pray for at this time as I pray for all of you.
Charlie

Forgive them anyway.............................

I wanted to share with you this poem I found on the net, I couldn't find an author for it but I felt that this is how my heart should be--and with time and patience it will be will. The photos pictured in the poem are dolls--by the very talented and gifted Anna Brahms and are part of what she calls "Holocaust Collection". http://www.alisasinternationaldollart.com/live/artists/AnnaBrahms/holocaust.html

People are often unreasonable,

illogical and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you

of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some

false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank,

people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building,

someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway

If you find serenity and happiness,

they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,

people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,

and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see in the final analysis.

it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

my test today and thoughts from a Saint

I wanted to share with all of you my readers something I read today out of "Mother Teresa: Come be My light"------ "God can not fill what is full.--He can fill only emptiness--deep poverty--and your "Yes" is the beginning of becoming empty. It is not how much we really "have" to give-but how empty we are--so that we can receive fully in out life and let Him live His life in us..... Does not matter what you feel- as long as He feels alright in you. Take away your eyes from yourself and rejoice that you have nothing--that you are nothing- that you can do nothing. Give G-d a big smile-each time your nothingness frightens you....Just keep the joy of G-d as your strength.--Be happy and at peace.-Accept whatever He gives-and give whatever He takes." Mother Teresa

Well the scan went off rather well today, not nearly what I expected and it didn't take as long as I thought. It actually took longer to get the results and to be seen by my doctor than to have the test done. According to him (my HIV Specialist) the CT Scan came back normal--no sign of anything not even blood clots and that is the reason they rushed the results. He did say it could possibly be a "Zoster Bacterial thingy"--kind of like shingles in some people that may have not manifested itself into splotched.

There is also a possibility that the "Zoster Bacterial thingy" is internal as well. Personally he feels it is a Nerve ending or nerve problem and has me on Lyrica for the next two weeks to help ease the pain and to hopefully get me back to functioning normal. If it is not better by then to call set up an appointment and we will go from there. Which in his opinion would be a pain management person to deal with what is going on.

It does bring some relief to know it is nothing serious, it is however also a little mind blowing--for lack of better words-- that something so "minor" can cause so much pain. It will take a few days for the medication to build up as they say before I notice any change but hopefully and prayerfully they will work.

"G-d makes himself the hungry one, the naked one, the homeless one, the sick one, the one in prison, the lonely one, the unwanted one, and he says : "You did it to me." He is hungry for our love, and this is the hunger of our poor people. This is the hunger that you and I must find, it may be in our own home..... We picked up ( a man) from the drain, half eaten with worms, and we brought him to the home: "I have lived like an animal in the street, but I am going to die like an angel, loved and cared for". And it was so wonderful to the greatness of that man who could speak like that, who could die like that without comparing anything. Like an angel-this is the greatness of our people. And that is why we believe what G-d has said: "I was hungry, I was naked, I was homeless, I was unwanted, unloved, uncared for--and you did it to me." Mother Teresa

I guess I share these thoughts with you because reading them and absorbing them has made me very humble, made me feel to self absorbed in my "own-ness" and my own tragedies and joys, and in many ways more meek. To the point where I feel like I should not speak of anything.

As always I ask that you would continue to pray for me.

Finally some results.............. I guess

Well the bone scan tests came back and you ready they showed absolutely, positively NOTHING!! It has me so discouraged and upset I don't know which end is up. I feel about the same, and i am tired of feeling that way. My HIV Specialist has me booked tommorow for a CT Scan in Cleveland, my GEneral Practioner--the gal you found this in th efirst palce wants me to have new x-rays and to see a Pulmonary Specailist Thursday. In th emean time the AIDS Taskforce along with the state of Ohio is having some kind of computer glitch and the paperwork has not even been started. It just seems like there is no break in sight.

So in a fit of anger I worked longer than i should have today and tonight am paying for it. Now don't get to worrried it wasn't like hours on end but it was more than i should have even tried. It was either that or just sit and cry. It just seems like the more ask for anything in any way shpe or form the less I get. I am tired of asking, I am tired of saying anything and personally I am to the point where I don't feel like saying anything about this anymore to anyone--it just doesn't make any difference.

Very Frustrating day

Well I had to have my teeth cleaned today so jim took me this morning as had some very serious trouble walking and being in the cold made breathing very painful to say the least. The cleaning exam went well and he didn't keep me long as I guess I looked really bad as well.

I came home called my docotor's office and the fraking office never got the xrays--un-freaking believeable so they were calling to get them and here we are now at 6:30 at night and I still have no damn results. I am calling again first thing in the morning about this and more than likely raising holy hell if they still don't have them.

I then placed a call to my Case worker at the AIDS Taskforce in outr area to have her call me abou the paper work and what was happening if anything with the part time aide, and again 6:35 at night and NOTHING--is it to much to ask for a g-d damn phone call? Such incompetitance!

It just seems like I suffer in silence without anyone giving a shit less and I am to the point where I just can not take anymore of it. Is it so much to ask for just a little compassion, a little sympathy, a little support-- I mean what if it were any worse or gets any worse? Am I still going to be getting nothing!

I am sorry if I come off as ranting but I am just so tired of being so sick and absoultely nothing being done about it. It has grown very old very fast and am I just to sit back and take it? What I would like to know is if it is like this for me are there others out there that have it just as bad or even worse? If so how do they deal with it, cope with it and somehow survive?

The thing that has been the most frustrating has been th e absolute silence--that I know for sure I know I can not take anymore of--it has to change, or I may lose my mind.

At this point I guess all I ask is pray