
They say that with time, that the wounds of death become less, well that my friends is a HUGE lie! It does not become less it becomes different and in some ways, and especially for me it is becoming more painful as the years pass.
This year marks ten years since Ron died and, we were together four months short of ten years---so in reality he has been dead as long as we were together. How do I sit here at my laptop and begin to describe to you what that feels like.
I am forgetting what he smelled like when he first got of the shower as he stood at the bathroom mirror naked and shaving. I am forgetting the feel of his hand in mine, the touch of and feel of him in bed next to me as we slept. I am forgetting the taste of his lips on mine in the morning when we first woke. I am forgetting what his voice sounded like when he told me he loved me. The pain of this happening in in a word--- brutal!

To lose someone like that, not just a lover, or a husband but also your best friend does something to you, it dramatically changes you forever and realizing that this last February we would had been together twenty years was very painful. I sit here this morning in tears knowing I would still be with him today if I just had the chance. That even today, ten years later I love him more than ever and I always will.
But he only lives in memory. Am I as the widower the only one who feels the way I do? Am I the only one who feels that part of my very being is buried with him? I think a lot about him and what he would have to say about my life and what it is today. Would he be proud of me? What advice would he give me?
I have to admit that I pray to him all the time, my own patron saint--- my own connection to the divine--- I just wish as he said "You will feel me when the wind blows against the back of your neck"--- I need the wind to blow to guide me, lead me and direct my feet to the path I should take. I need to know that he is proud of what I am becoming, and of what I want to do.
It sad in so many ways that in many regards I have distanced myself from the life I had, and it has been a huge mistake.... but maybe life does go on, we change, we grow, we adapt and I am not longer the thirty-six year-old man whose partner had died. I am now his widower, the keeper of his life, his legacy and I am so very very grateful that i have been blessed with that enormous responsibility.