Why do words fail me....

     I find myself in an odd circumstance today, I am as a writer at a loss of words to begin to describe to you my readers and followers (if I have any left after months of no posting) what I'm really feeling today. If you have followed this blog any length of time you all know by now how hard of a time I have with the month of December since the death of my partner Ron Rooy in 2002. This year marks ten years that he has been gone and today marks the the day of the anniversary we entered hospice care.

     From the time we entered hospice care until he died was only ten days.  The days ending December 21, 2002 and forever altering who I am at my core.  First let me say I would have never have been able to keep him at home, and let him die at home without help.  First his daughter Christina who was there for part of it, despite having very small children at the time, Frank D'Angelo, Ken Walrath, Annette Tabar, my mother, Brian Fabo and of course the nurses and staff of Western Reserve Hospice.  It is amazing you never forget the small details.

     They say that with time, that the wounds of death become less, well that my friends is a HUGE lie!  It does not become less it becomes different and in some ways, and especially for me it is becoming more painful as the years pass.

      This year marks ten years since Ron died and, we were together four months short of ten years---so in reality he has been dead as long as we were together.  How do I sit here at my laptop and begin to describe to you what that feels like.

     I am forgetting what he smelled like when he first got of the shower as he stood at the bathroom mirror naked and shaving.  I am forgetting the feel of his hand in mine, the touch of and feel of him in bed next to me as we slept.  I am forgetting the taste of his lips on mine in the morning when we first woke.  I am forgetting what his voice sounded like when he told me he loved me.  The pain of this happening in in a word--- brutal!

     But in all honesty I can not ever forget how I felt when I was with him.  I can not forget how easy he was to talk to, to spend time with or how easily he could make me laugh.  The feel of his hands on me when he made love to me--- those sweet, tender passionate moments sitting in bed on Sunday mornings with the paper and breakfast in bed as we just shared our lives, our hopes, our dreams, our secrets.  I can not forget that he more than anyone made me value the life I have.

     To lose someone like that, not just a lover, or a husband but also your best friend does something to you, it dramatically changes you forever and realizing that this last February we would had been together twenty years was very painful.  I sit here this morning in tears knowing I would still be with him today if I just had the chance.  That even today, ten years later I love him more than ever and I always will. 

     But he only lives in memory.  Am I as the widower the only one who feels the way I do?  Am I the only one who feels that part of my very being is buried with him?  I think a lot about him and what he would have to say about my life and what it is today.  Would he be proud of me?  What advice would he give me?

     I have to admit that I pray to him all the time, my own patron saint--- my own connection to the divine--- I just wish as he said "You will feel me when the wind blows against the back of your neck"---  I need the wind to blow to guide me, lead me and direct my feet to the path I should take.  I need to know that he is proud of what I am becoming, and of what I want to do.

     It sad in so many ways that in many regards I have distanced myself from the life I had, and it has been a huge mistake.... but maybe life does go on, we change, we grow, we adapt and I am not longer the thirty-six year-old man whose partner had died.  I am now his widower, the keeper of his life, his legacy and I am so very very grateful that i have been blessed with that enormous responsibility.

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Trayvon Martin: Dead

Neighborhood Watch Captain George Michael Zimmerman is claiming he killed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in self-defense. The only problem? Zimmerman shot Martin to death with a 9 mm pistol, while Martin was “armed” only with a bag of Skittles and an iced tea.

The Retreat at Twin Lakes neighborhood watch leader George Zimmerman had called police to report Trayvon Martin as a suspicious person, but by the time the police arrived the young man was already dead.

According to NBC Miami, police said Martin had been returning from a local store with Skittles and an iced tea.

Zimmerman, who is white, has been charged with no crime for killing the unarmed and not-white Martin. Police haven’t even opened an investigation into the killing, seeing no need to.

Whitney Houston HAS DIED!

The The Associated Press is reporting that Whitney Houston, who reigned as pop music’s queen until her majestic voice and regal image were ravaged by drug use, has died at age 48.

Publicist Kristen Foster said Saturday that the singer had died, but the cause and the location of her death were unclear.

Whitney who was the only artist to chart seven consecutive No. 1 Billboard Hot 100 hits (“Saving All My Love for You”, “How Will I Know”, “Greatest Love of All”, “I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me)”, “Didn’t We Almost Have It All”, “So Emotional”, and “Where Do Broken Hearts Go”). She won multiple Grammys including album and record of the year.

In January 2010, Houston was nominated for two NAACP Image Awards, one for Best Female Artist and one for Best Music Video. She won the award for Best Music Video for her single “I Look to You.” On January 16, she received the BET Honors Award for Entertainer citing her lifetime achievements spanning over 25 years in the industry.

In May 2011, Houston enrolled once again in drug rehabilitation center, as an out-patient, citing drug and alcohol problems after an over decade long fight. A representative for Houston said that it was a part of Houston’s “longstanding recovery process.”

A great voice and talent ruined and lost.

May you rest in peace Whitney

23 Year Old Transgender Woman Killed At Washington D.C. Bus Stop

Deoni Jones, a 23 year old transgender woman was fatally stabbed on Thursday night at a bus stop at the 4900 block of East Capitol Street, N.E. in Washington, D.C.

Police issued a statement Friday saying that a Metro transit police officer was flagged down at about 8:15 p.m. Thursday to report an assault at the bus stop. “Upon arrival, the officer located a transgender female who was unconscious and unresponsive suffering from a stab wound,” the statement says. “Units from the Sixth District and D.C. Fire and Emergency Medical Services personnel responded to the scene. The victim was transported to a local hospital and was admitted in critical condition.  On Friday, Feb. 3, 2012, at 2:35 a.m., the victim was pronounced dead.”

 

Asked whether evidence exists to indicate the killing was a hate crime, Asked whether evidence exists to indicate the killing was a hate crime, Homicide Branch Lt. Robert Adler stated  “At this time we are still investigating if it is or is not a hate crime. And as the investigation proceeds we should probably get a better idea of whether that was a factor in the assault.”

Activist Mike Tidmus Dies At 60

Well-known San Diego activist Mike Tidmus has died of AIDS-related cancer at the age of 60. Mike was a longtime JMG commenter and regular news tipster. His passing was disclosed yesterday by his brother via an email sent to Mike's list of Facebook contacts. His friend and GOP presidential candidate Fred Karger said via email:

Mike was an early leader in LGBT civil right internationally and right here at home. He was a cantankerous guy with a great wit and sense of humor. He battled HIV-AIDS for nearly 25 years and finally lost that battle today. He was so disappointed with the poor HIV-AIDS care in San Diego and worked to try and improve it. He was courageous to the end and, fought like he did all his life, to make things better for others.

Trevor Project Intern Takes His Own Life

Yet another LGBTQ teen has turned to suicide, this time hitting close to home for the very people who try so hard to help teens in their times of crisis. Details on the sad news of Eric Borges' passing after the jump.
San Joaquin Valley resident Eric Borges reportedly took his own life Wednesday, despite time spent working as an intern with the Trevor Project. The 19-year-old, known as EricJames by friends and family, was a vocal supporter of LGBT youth, even making an “It Get’s Better” video last year.

Laura McGinnis, communications director at the Trevor Project, sent a statement to LGBTQ Nation upon their coverage of the suicide, saying, “We are deeply saddened to hear about the tragic death of EricJames Borges, and our hearts go out to his family and friends, and his community. EricJames was a dedicated, trained volunteer. Our main concern right now is that those affected by his death feel supported and can get the care they need. If you or someone you know needs support, please don’t hesitate to call the Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386.”

LGBTQ Nation also notes that EricJames, who was turned away by his birth family, had been attempting to make a life for himself on his own.

Further details surrounding the incident are not known, and we certainly don’t want to speculate as to reasoning. More importantly, our thoughts are with his friends and family at this time, and we also echo Laura McGinnis in urging anyone struggling or feeling in need of some support to please reach out for help.

The number again for the Trevor Lifeline is 866-488-7386.

Elderly Marriage Activist has died waiting for Prop 8 to be overturned

Ed Watson, above left, has died at the age of 78. Watson made national news this year when he expressed his hope that he would be allowed to marry before Alzheimer's Disease robbed him of the ability to recognize Derence, his partner of 40 years.

Gay rights activists lamented Watson's death as a reminder of the harm inflicted on same-sex couples throughout the state because they are denied the right to marry. "It's ironic that he died on the eve of appeals about peripheral issues around a case that should have been settled more than a year ago," said Richard Jacobs, chairman and founder of the gay rights advocacy group Courage Campaign, as he was en route to San Francisco for a hearing before the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals. "None of this will matter to Ed or Derence."

Here's the clip the couple made in March.

Labels: activism, gay seniors, obituary, Proposition 8

Rita Hayworth Gay Grandson Found Dead in Chelsea

I orginally posted this story because in my thinking we had lost another gay man to suicide. 

I know there is a huge amount of hoopla over this, but I wanted to remember  a man many of us could be, a man may of us may have been and even a man maybe some still are. 

 Fame can be a very good thing and it also can be a very distructive thing as many of us know.

I wanted to give voice to the loss our community sufferes every single time a gay man or gay woman decides to end their lives, and if we take the time to talk about, somehow we will gain the courage to try to more than what we already are to end this outcome.


"Sad news from Chelsea New York—Andrew Embiricos, 25, the grandson of Rita Hayworth and son of Princess Yasmin Aga Khan, was found dead this morning in his home at the Grand Chelsea on West 17th Street.

Embiricos was HIV-positive and was an advocate for HIV/AIDS awareness as well as Alzheimer's disease. In the past, he had also filmed himself on X-Tube engaging in unprotected sex in videos with names like "Chelsea Bareback Whores" (as the New York Daily News discovered in 2007).

In his post today, Musto continues: "He was a strikingly handsome, personable guy who radiated charm no matter what crisis he was weathering... Whatever the case, I'm deeply saddened by the loss of someone with such radioactive charisma."

Welsh Soccer Player commits suicide: Gay Rumors Fly!

Gary Speed  

Football fans were shocked to hear the news of Gary Speed’s death last weekend. The Welsh soccer ("football," in U.K. parlance) player and manager seemed happy and calm when he appeared on a UK television program, discussing upcoming football matches, but just a few hours later Speed, 42, was found dead at his home.

"Twenty minutes before we went on air on Saturday, he was the normal Gary Speed to me," said Gary McAllister, a former teammate who also appeared on the BBC program "Football Focus." "He was very excited about the prospects of the Welsh national team and was upbeat, looking class, immaculately presented. He was a movie star in my eyes."

On Nov. 27 around 7 in the morning Speed’s wife, Louise, discovered her husband’s body hanging in their garage.

Gary had a seemingly perfect life: he had a thriving and successful career, a loving wife and children, plenty of friends, and no financial woes. Authorities, family and fans were all stumped by his suicide.
The sports star was the first man to play 500 games in the Premier League and the youngest member of the midfield that brought Leeds to its most recent league title in 1992. Speed also rearranged Wale’s ailing national team and coached a young team, where they won four out of five matches.

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Speed’s friends and family were hurt and confused at the unexpected loss of the great athlete. Although no official evidence has surfaced, football fans in the blogosphere are buzzing about possible rumors that Speed killed himself because he was gay.

Sports fans are also suggesting that Speed got wind that The Sun, a British tabloid newspaper, was going to print a story about his private life, possibly about being a homosexual, according to the Telegraph.
The Telegraph also reported, however, that The Sun tweeted, "No truth in this story. The Sun was not investigating Gary Speed in any way."

In a Nov. 21 article, EDGEreported about an Australian Cricket player who took his own life after local police questioned him about an alleged sexual assault on a 26-year-old Zimbabwean student.

Peter Roebuck was allowing 16 men stay at his home and was paying for their educations. The student claimed that Roebuck asked him to take off his shirt and then pinned him to the bed and then assaulted him. After police questioned him about the incident, the athlete jumped out of his hotel room’s window to his death

Danny Vega, Seattle hairdresser beaten into coma, dies

SEATTLE -- Danny Vega, the Seattle salon owner who was brutally attacked by a group of teenagers almost two weeks ago, died Sunday afternoon after 12 days on life support.

"It's very painful for me to see him in that kind of situation," said Eli Ferrer, who knew Vega for decades. "It's really so hard to lose a friend."

Ferrer was one of about 30 people who gathered to pray for Vega Sunday night at his home, which also served as his salon most his life.

On Nov. 15, Vega, a prominent figure in the city's Filipino American community, was taking an evening walk nearby in Seattle's Rainier Valley neighborhood when three teens attacked him from behind, said police.

They beat Vega unconscious and took his cell phone and keys. Vega was hospitalized with severe injuries to his kidneys, liver and brain. He fell into a coma and was later put on life-support.

James Saarenas, who along with some international students lived in Vega's house, said they were not just praying for peace, but for justice.

"The prayers and vigil will continue while those three people have not been caught," Saarenas said. "We just want to make sure that this will not happen to anybody else."

Family, friends and neighbors also held a vigil for Vega Saturday night at Othello and Martin Luther King Way in the Rainier Valley.

Although police were not investigating the attack as a hate crime, his family believes Vega was targeted. He was openly gay and not afraid to show it

15 Die in Fire at India’s Transgender Gathering

15 more members of the global LGBT community have died by fire, though (thankfully?) burning someone to death doesn’t seem to be the motivation in this story ( which has been the case this last week in other transgender murders).

A fire broke out in the kitchen at India’s national transgender gathering, the Eunuch Gathering in East Delhi. Over 1000 of India’s estimated 700,000 transgender citizens were in attendance.

One witness, Angelie, said there was a loud short, then flames suddenly erupted and a gas cylinder exploded. Crowds of people ran to the exit from the fairground, the witness said.

 

Television reports cited fire officials as saying initial investigations suggested the fire had started in the venue’s kitchen.

“We were rescued and brought outside the community centre but we don’t know what has happened to some of our friends who we think are still inside,” one person present at the gathering told reporters.

“The police aren’t giving us the right information … They are taking the bodies out through the back door of the hall,” they said.

It’s worth noting that the term eunuch is not used in a derogatory manner in India.
Our condolences go out to those who lost loved ones in the blaze

Hep C Deaths Surpass AIDS

As the AIDS pandemic continues its slow decline in the United States, the number of deaths attributed to the growing Hepatitis C epidemic now exceeds those from HIV-related illnesses.

Death rates related to HIV infection continue to fall. Whereas HIV contributed to 6 per 100,000 deaths in 1999, the rate dropped to less than four per 100,000 deaths in 2007. Hepatitis C–related deaths have increased sharply, Holmberg’s team reported. Whereas HCV contributed to roughly 3 per 100,000 deaths in 1999, the HCV-related death rate exceeded 4 per 100,000 people in the United States by 2007. With respect to crude numbers, roughly 12,700 HIV-related deaths were reported to the National Center for Health Statistics in 2007. More than 15,000 HCV-related deaths were reported to the center that year.

Alcohol abuse and an HIV co-infection are highly associated with Hep C fatalities.

Jamey Rodemeyer Tormentors Under Criminal Investigation

Police have begun a criminal investigation into the suicide death of Jamey Rodemeyer, the 14-​year old Buffalo-​area teen who was tormented by anti-​gay bullies for years. Local authorities say that while New York does not have anti-​bullying laws, there are other avenues, such as harassment, aggravated harassment, cyber-harassment or hate crimes laws that may apply. Reports state there are several individuals in particular that authorities are investigating.

WATCH: Anderson Cooper: 14-​Year Old Bullied To Death “Even In Sadness, Reaching Out To Help Others”

The Buffalo News today reports, “We’re going to look into whether he was the victim of any crimes leading up to his suicide,” Police Chief John C. Askey said.

“We’re not indicating, not speculating at this point, that that is the cause of his death, … but independently, there may have been crimes that have been committed against him.”
Askey said he spoke Wednesday with Williamsville School Superintendent Scott G. Martzloff, who has pledged the district’s cooperation.
Members of the public, including those from the school community, have reached out to police in recent days with information suggesting that Jamey had been subjected to what would amount to criminal harassment, Askey said.
“We’ve heard that there were some specific students, an identifiable group of students, that had specifically targeted Jamey, or had been picking on him for a period of time,” Askey said.
While investigators are focusing on what may have transpired in the recent past, he said, police are under the impression that one to three students may have been bothering Jamey since he was a student at Heim Middle School.
“We’re looking into it to see if he was the victim of any crimes, and that’s the bottom line,” the chief said. “We’re going to be speaking to school officials and students and anyone with direct information about crimes that may have been committed against this individual.”
Jamey’s mother had previously told The Buffalo News that she believed that a core group of middle school students bullied her son and that the situation worsened for him about a year ago, when many anonymous posts began showing up on Jamey’s Formspring blog stating that he would be better off dead.
…
In a short YouTube video Jamey did in May, he expressed regret for creating the Formspring account “because people would just constantly send me hate.”
The anonymous posts included:
* “Kill your self!!!! You have nothing left!”
* “Listen to us, you’re a bad person, you don’t belong here, jump off a bridge or something!”
* “Go kill yourself, you’re worthless, ugly and dont have a point to live.”
* “You werent born this way. You shouldnt have ever been born.”
Seven months ago, in response to the Formspring question: What’s one thing people don’t know about you? Jamey answered, “How much I hate my life. Maybe it’s cause I’m bullied. a lot.”
His parents and friends said that it took a lot of work and encouragement to get Jamey through that dark period. Eventually, toward the end of last school year, Jamey stopped using Formspring altogether.

The Buffalo News also had published these comments from Jamey Rodemeyer’s FormSpring account:

“JAMIE IS STUPID, GAY, FAT ANND UGLY. HE MUST DIE!” read one post.
Another read: “I wouldn’t care if you died. No one would. So just do it  It would make everyone WAY more happier!”

“The Amherst Police Department’s Special Victims Unit has said it will determine whether to charge some students with harassment, cyber-​harassment or hate crimes,” reports ABC News. “Police said three students in particular might have been involved. Jamey was a student at Heim Middle School.”

Jamey had just started his freshman year at Williamsville North High School. (Both Amherst and Williamsville are just outside Buffalo.) But the bullying had begun during middle school, according to his parents. He had told family and friends that he had endured hateful comments in school and online, mostly related to his sexual orientation.
…
“Justin was a smiley, happy boy who loved to play his cello,” said his parents. “School systems need to do more to protect LGBT students from bullying, and not turn their back on them because of their sexual orientation.”

Andy Whitfield of "Spartacus" fame has died

September 11, 2011 Actor Andy Whitfield, who starred in Spartacus: Blood and Sand before leaving the cable series to battle lymphoma, has died at age 39, reports Associated Press.  I know this is a little late but I still wanted to adress this here

Whitfield played the title character in the first season of the popular Starz series, a favorite with LGBT viewers for its homoeroticism, gay characters, and well-executed action scenes.

Whitfield's manager Sam Maydew says the actor died Sunday of non-Hodgkin Lymphoma in Sydney, Australia. Whitfield's wife Vashti called her husband a "beautiful young warrior" in a statement released to the press.

Whitfield was diagnosed 18 months ago as he was preparing for the second season. The network eventually replaced him with actor Liam McIntyre.

Gay Activist Arthur Evans Dies At 68

Arthur Evans, one of the nation's earliest and best-known gay activists, has died of a heart attack at the age of 68. During the Stonewall era, Evans was a member of the Gay Liberation Front, a group he later left to co-found the Gay Activists Alliance.

Based in New York, the alliance became a model for gay rights organizations nationwide, pushing in New York for legislation to ban discrimination against gay men and lesbians in employment, housing and other areas. Mr. Evans wrote its statement of purpose and much of its constitution, which began, “We as liberated homosexual activists demand the freedom for expression of our dignity and value as human beings.” To attract attention the alliance staged what its members called “zaps,” confrontations with people or institutions that they believed discriminated against gay people. Among other incidents, they confronted Mayor John V. Lindsay of New York, went to television studios to protest shows perceived as anti-gay, demanded gay marriage rights at the city’s marriage license bureau, and demonstrated at the taxi commission against a regulation, since abolished, requiring gay people to get a psychiatrist’s approval before they could be allowed to drive a taxi.

Elizabeth Taylor Has DIED!!!

Oscar winning actress Elizabeth Taylor passed away today at Los Angeles, Calif.'s Cedars-Sinai Hospital at the age of 79.

Elizabeth Taylor's Las Vegas Birthday"She was surrounded by her children- Michael Wilding, Christopher Wilding, Liza Todd, and Maria Burton," Taylor's publicist, Sally Morrison, said in a statement.  In addition to her children, Taylor is survived by 10 grandchildren and 4 great-grandchildren.

Taylor had been hospitalized six weeks ago with congestive heart failure. Though she had recently suffered a number of complications, her condition had stabilized and it was hoped that she would be able to return home.

Taylor, a two-time Academy Award-winning actress who in later life became notorious for her seven marriages and sometimes eccentric behavior, had reported health problems in recent years and appeared frail in public appearances.

Taylor reported in October 2009 that she was having a heart procedure done. Via Twitter, she said it was "very new and involves repairing my leaky valve using a clip device, without open heart surgery so that my heart will function better."

Taylor's past health setbacks included a fall from a horse during one of her early film shoots, bouts with pneumonia and skin cancer, a tracheotomy, treatment for alcohol and painkiller addictions, and lung, hip, brain and heart surgeries. She has had anywhere from 30 to 40 surgeries, according to biographers.

In addition, she has seen her dramatic life frequently covered by gossip magazines, which have documented evident fluctuations in her weight over the years.

But she's iconic for being one of the most popular actresses of Hollywood's golden age. Born in London in 1932 to American parents who returned to the U.S. with WWII looming, Taylor bounded into the spotlight at age 12 after starring in the 1944 box office sensation "National Velvet." She won acclaim as an adult with 1951's "A Place In The Sun" and went on to score best actress Oscar nominations for "Raintree County," "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof," and "Suddenly, Last Summer."

In 1963, she memorably starred in "Cleopatra." She later won Oscars for "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" and "Butterfield 8."

Beyond acting, Taylor is credited with bringing the world's attention to AIDS with her fund-raising and activism. In 1985, when Taylor's lifelong friend Rock Hudson died of AIDS, she brought national attention to the growing disease. It satisfying to her to use her celebrity for good - she raised and donated millions to the cause, founding the American Foundation for AIDS Research (amfAR) and The Elizabeth Taylor AIDS Foundation.

"I don't think President Bush is doing anything at all about AIDS. In fact, I'm not sure he even knows how to spell AIDS," Taylor said once, frustrated with President Bush's slow-moving efforts to address the crisis.
She was also an entrepreneur, spearheading a successful line of perfume and multiple jewelry lines. In 1999, Taylor was appointed Dame Commander of the Order of the British Empire.  Taylor's last major interview appeared in the March issue of Harper's Bazaar. In it, she dished to reality TV star Kim Kardashian about her love life, her iconic roles and her jewels.

"I never planned to acquire a lot of jewels or a lot of husbands," Taylor said. "I have been supremely lucky in my life in that I have known great love, and of course, I am the temporary custodian of some incredible and beautiful things."  Taylor also mused about one of her former husbands, actor Richard Burton.  "It was inevitable that we would be married again, but it's not up for discussion," she said.

A Very Painful Visit

I am not sure I want to exactly share this story, but there is a big part of me that feels like I need to just to get it off my chest and by doing so I might be able to deal with it better---who knows for sure.

As many of you know who read here regularly, you also know that tomorrow is the anniversary of the death of Ron.  Eight years tomorrow and somehow, someway the pain is still so tremendously unbearable beyond words.

I decided to drive this afternoon out to Eastlawn Cemetery in Brunswick, Ohio where he is buried. I decided to go alone, spend some time by myself. It isn't all that far from where we live maybe thirty-five minutes.  It was one of those drives where I didn't turn on the radio, I wanted surrounded by my thoughts and emotions and nothing else.  I was crying before I even got there.  That should have been my warning sign.

I pulled into the cemetery and into the section where he is buried, stopped, and put the car into park.  The emotions just engulfed every pore of my being.  It was this tsunami of unbearable deep horrific pain.  It was like being there eight years ago.  I could still see the bundled and huddled crowd, the tent, the hearse, the coffin, the blowing wind whisking the snow and well I completely lost it.  I sat in the car for an hour and half and just literally wept myself uncontrollably sick.  I couldn't move, I never opened the car door, I never got out, I never got to the grave.  I just sat their and wept bitterly and deeply, grief unthinkable and I feel like I am the only one that feels that way.

I am the only one that visits that grave, I am the only one still so unbearably distraught, that I could not even get out of the car.  I got the car in gear and just drove away, tears still in my eyes, the emptiness pervaded and I felt so ashamed of myself for what happened there.  Feeling so alone, feeling like I couldn't talk about any of it.

All this time later and it seems no better, no less it just seems no one wants to talk about it, or hear about it or even think about it.  People wonder why I hate Christmas now and this is it and no other reason.  He died just four days before a holiday I loved, a holiday we celebrated to the hilt and he was so viciously and violently ill those last days and he died so gruesomely I was haunted by nightmares for months.  The bloody vomiting, the bleeding KS sores, the unconsciousness and his grief over what happened with New Hope.  He felt like he wasted so much time by working for so long and so much, it felt like he wasted us and what we could have had.  I had no idea what to say, I still don't all this time later.

Do I feel better sharing--honestly I am not so sure, ask me in a few days.  Until then I am so glad we had this time together

Serious Thought for the day

As many of you who have been reading this blog a long time know that today is the anniversary day my previous partner, Ron, went into Hospice Care after 16 1/2 yrs of living with AIDS he just could not recover.  Eleven short days later on December 21, 2002 he was dead.  Many ways, I have never been the same since and probably never will be.  Until last night while reading "Losing Julia" by Jonathan Hull I felt like no one understand what that feeling was like then I read.......

"One person dies and the whole world looks sadder, hollowed out  so that you hear echos in places where there aren't supposed to be any.  Each passing day and month and year is an accumulation of absences; of people, places and events that a loved one will never see or know about.  When you have suffered a terrible loss you look at things and think: I wonder what he would have made of that?  Wouldn't he have enjoyed this and oh G-d he would have hated that and shit this reminds me of him.

When people die it's as though the earth itself opens briefly and swallows them up.

The last thing people do when they die is to change all the people who loved them.  I can still feel the dead reverberating through my own life, sometimes with the delicacy of ripples on a pond, other times with the force of shock waves.  And the strangest thing is how much talking the dead still do; talking in our heads.  I've actually grown quite fond of it.

But I can't shake the sadness. Sometimes nostalgia swamps me like a flash flood and leaves me floating face down amid the flotsam of the past.  Not the nostalgia that comes with the change of the seasons--which is as good as sad gets: a rusty, blood red if you gave it a color--but deeper, more funereal longing.  Melancholy if you will."

I haven't cried like that in a long time or felt so lonely in my life, but also like finally words were given to what I really felt.  What I really needed to say.  Someone got me and in a big way.  Eight years ago today, where has the time gone?  His voice fading from my memory, but those memories just as alive and fresh and real as they were all those years ago.

So my thought for the day is do you feel that this section from "Losing Julia" adequately describes what you have gone through in having someone you love die?

Thought for the day

Another quote from "Losing Julia" by Jonathan Hull... there seem to be so many things in this book that are making me really think......

"I can't bear to leave my room today.  I feel altogether too weak......but the weakness that comes with sadness, which is much worse.  I am starting to think sadness is organic; that sad people are cursed with more insight than others.  While our smiles defy our bitter plight, our tears acknowledge it.

Maybe that's why the only people who have really interested me in my life besides children----are those who have experienced the loss of a loved one.  People who haven't felt the caustic burn of death are like students who haven;t yet held a real job; the world is still theoretical; intellectualized, vigorously debated, nut not fully comprehended.

Any search for the deeper meaning in our lives has to start at our deaths.  That's the fundamental overwhelming dilemma of our humanity. But the absurdity of our lives--which I can now only see clearly--is our unwillingness to concede that we are in a bit of a pickle in the first place.  It's quite funny, really: several billion people all feigning immortality, as though they each have some secret exemption, or at least an indefinite future, and thus can not afford to run down the clock without the least sense of urgency.  And the incredible thing is, you can live....and still not make the most of the time you have got."

So are we living fully, making the most of every moment?  If not what is it going to take to make fully living happen?  Do we fear our own death as Jonathon Hull suggests? Not wanting to face our own immortality.

NO CHARGES to be made in Bullying Case and death!!

Police in Tehachapi, California, will not pursue charges against students who taunted and bullied 13-year old gay student Seth Walsh, who hung himself nine days ago and was taken off of life support yesterday.

"Several of the kids that we talked to broke down into tears," said police chief Jeff Kermode. "They had never expected an outcome such as this." Other students remain in shock over Walsh's tragic death, and seem to understand that homophobic bullying played a role in Walsh's suicide, yet that doesn't mean they'll break what prevention counselor Daryl Thiesen calls the "culture of silence" that surrounds bullying.
"You're told you shouldn't be a snitch or tattler," said Thiesen.

Walsh's death comes one day after Texas teen Asher Brown shot himself over anti-gay bullying. These incidents are not isolated, America. This isn't a gay problem, nor are these stories just about nasty brats.
We're experiencing an anti-gay bullying epidemic, and one that needs to be addressed, for the aforementioned culture of silence isn't just killing kids, it's killing our nation's future.
We should all heed the Walsh family's statement on the subject: "A negative action ... by adults and children ... will not solve or help anyone! Violence is not the answer! Please everyone, be kind and love one another!"

I've included a video made by Walsh's family and friends, AFTER THE JUMP. Be warned, however, that the video will yield tears. So, if you don't want to be puffy at work, wait until you get home.