17 days to go----talk of loss--some gains

As many of you may already know July 16th marks the 17th anniversary of the day I found I was HIV+. While also in under a year of being diagnosed I was told I was Full Blown AIDS. How or exactly why i have survived that long is beyond me but I do want to talk a little about some of the loss over the last 17 years.........

I lost my first boyfriend to AIDS, than called GRID (Gay Realted Immune Deficiency) when I was only 18 years old. At the time I thought it was going to destroy me and at the time I turned then to drugs--mainly pain pills, sleeping pills and uppers along with booze to cover the massive amoutn of pain

I lost my first lover to AIDS who died in my arms when I was not quite 21--actually one month short which sent me into an emotional tail spin which put me into Betty Ford and into almost 9 years of therapy after having had my stomach pumped twice and two suicide attempts. It was the lowest I have ever been, and the scary thing is I saw no way out. To do this very day I realistically say I understand why I turned where I did and am to a degree surprised I didn't turn full tilt to it again when Ron died.

I lost Ron---and many of you know this first hand--will be six years ago this December 21st and in many regards I feel I lost a HUGE part of myself with him. I know that I have Jim in my life and I am grateful for that but, my friends it isn't quiet the same for some reason. Which I really at this time do not want to get into and may over the next few days.

In the nearly 24 years since I lost my first boyfriend to AIDS I have seen over 600 freinds, people I worked with, acquantainces, clients of New Hope--which we ran for damn near 10 years die.

I am the only one in the group of friends that were my age when I was diagnosed who lived to see 40, I am the only left from that group. Of 25 of us in the very first support group for people living with AIDS--there is as of today only 5 of us counting me left.

I feel to a huge degree I lost my innocence, I lost who I REALLY was and am.

The one huge gain out of this whole affair is that I know what I will and will not tolerate from people who I consider "close freinds" and those people I have adopted as family. My biggest concern as of now is there is this terrible sense fo being utterly alone, unheard and that I for some reason do not have the kind of relationship with anyone like I had with Ron.

One that is completely open, completely honest, fun, cherishing the now and maybe to some degree what we did have in my mind's eye has gotten jaded over the years. But I would give anything to have it again--ANYTHING!

Some thoughts today

I first wanted to make you aware that Heinz--the famous Ketchup people had a wonderful commericial in Europe that was pulled because "some people" found it offensive-- I find it refreshing. it is listed below..........



If you find this ad to be as nice as I did I encourage you to call Heinz and ask them to reintroduce this commericial and bring it to the USA. In the meantime gay advocates have asked for a boycott of Heinz and their products.

Heinz
1 PPG Place, Ste. 3100
Pittsburgh, PA 15222-5448
Phone: 412-456-5700

This month has been another good one repair wise for me and was again over the $1,000 mark which is a relief and we are beginning to cath up. I go to the docotr's on Wednesday for test results to see if my meds are working or not as the numbers have been up and down so I ask that you keep me in your prayers.



I also wanted to post that Jim and I went and saw "Jersey Boys"--again the cheap seats seats--but I wanted to encourage all of you if "Jersey Boys" comes to your area GO SEE IT! Well worth every penny and especially if you love Frankie Valli.

This year I have so far enjoyed summer more than any other recent year and it has been nice--I just got to the point where I felt that life was just to damn short to miss it. And the only one to change it was me, and no more morrying about everything else.

It happens tomorrow

Well this morning my dad, my brother, my nephew andI went to Roger' Flea Market in Rogers, Ohio near the Ohio River and had a very nice time and a wonderfully rich conversation as well. Such a nice day, but Oy do my feet hurt as this Flea Market is one of Ohio's LARGEST. Tomorrow is Cleveland Gay pride my 20th that I have attended and like I said a few posts back a mile stone as it marks another year living with AIDS in July.

I have been very blest in all honesty and for that I am forever grateful--it has been a very full, enriching and wonderful life so far--wonder the next 17 years hole :) Haven't decided yet what I will be wearing yet but I am sure it will be something that will be comfy in the beautiful weather we have had the last few days. Or kids, should I make a fashion statement??

Some thoughts for today

This month and next have always been a struggle for me

Gay pride a big part of the month,

celebrating who and what I am.

Fighting for the rights we damn well deserve,

and are long past due in my opinon.

Acquantances who feel it isn't their "thing" to join

in with the march and festival

but want the same rights we all do as gays.

What irks me to no end is some of these people

are in postions they wouldn't have in the first

place if it hadn't been for Gay Pride and Stonewall.

Living with AIDS now for almost 17 years.

Everyone around either already dead

or dying before my eyes

and many of the issues 20 years

later are still the same.

Fighting for the right to be accepted for who I am,

what I am

and what I have

NO QUESTIONS ASKED!

A Pre-Daddies day wish

Gay, straight, married, divorced or single and even step-fathers--Happy Father's day to all the men lucky enough to have children in their lives.



My Father

We were never really close when I was growing up.

You were always working andwhen you weren't

there was never anytime for me.

We never really had anything in common like most father's and sons.

I made an effort a few times and it never made a difference.

I grew to resent you not wanting to be

part of my overall life.

I never heard you say--- till I was 38--- that you loved me.

I never felt you hug me---- till I was 38.

Telling you I was gay was one of the hardest

things I ever had to do, but I knew I had too.

Telling you I had AIDS was even worse.

But when I did I expected we would only have

2 years left together--we have had so much more than that.

Hearing you tell me you had cancer was something

I never expected.

It changed everything over night,

it changed very little in the long run.

I respect that man that you tried to be,

the home, the food and the things I needed

growing up

But I needed you more as

my dad--my friend

than as my father.

I'll always love you

and have never been able to say it to you.

I needed to say these things to you this year,

even if it is in this space, and in a place

that you will never see it but I

feel better now having said it.

Happy Father's Day---- Dad

Let's get funky

Just love the month of June and Gay Pride--as bette Midler says "If you got it flaunt it, honey".

Happy Birthday JUDY-- we love you

I wanted to take the time and wish a very happy birthday to the late great Judy Garland who was born yesterday and who would be 86 years old (born June 10, 1922). We will always love ya Judy.

A great actress, an incredible singer, gay icon, and a beauty in her own right. Gone way, way to soon!

As they said in "Will and Grace"----- "Judy, Barbra and Bette these are names we shan't ever forget ".

By the kids, the "Youtube" video is from the talented Darren Stewart-Jones the "Like Judy" mp3 is available for free from myspace.com/darrenstewartjones -

Ever have one of those days?

Well I did find out what my rash is it is Eczema and Hives lucky me and with it nearly a hundred degrees that last four days I have been somewhat of a big ole grump to put it politely.

I do have medication for it thankfully as of today ad hopefully it does go away and soon. The doll work has suffered as in the sewing room all I have is a big box fan in the window. I want to buy an air conditioner for it but we have to buy a new stove first. They want a hundred dollars for a new element and one burner and for an extra $100 we can damn near have a brand new stove. actually $219 at Home Depot so I go tomorrow to buy the gift cards for Home Depot at Giant Eagle so I can get the fuel perks for buying my stove. Have to save the money on gas somehow you know.

Been doing a lot of grilling outdoors this year and trying to watch what I eat as the doctor siad I need to lose about 15 pounds, so am trying to. Hope all of you are well and to let you all know you are in my thoughts and prayers often.

June ramblings

Well, this morning started with me trimming the bushes at the parish next door as I went to Mass Sunday, I figured G-d didn't care were I went as long as I went. Anyway they had a post about the bushes needing trimming badly and well I was the boy to do it. 2 and half hours and 4 garbage cans later of clippings I was beat but the bushes look fantastic.

The rest of my day was waiting on customers coming in for pick ups and errands so by the end of the day I was beat. Hopefully tomorrow I can get a little more doll work done that I just never seemed to get to today.

This month is also Gay Pride month and the anniversary of the death of Icon Judy Garland so I am sure a lot of my Youtube posts are going to be related to the 2. Speaking of Icons Yves Saint Laurent has died one of the greats in fashion and also a gay man, although part was played down considerably and dying after a "long illness". Makes me wonder-----AIDS? Evening news said Cancer but one still has to wonder.

End of May

This first picture of yours truly with Mark Dennis http://www.mad-sculptor.com/ our teacher for the sculpting class and the lady closet to the frame is Irene (Barb Felt's mother)

I know I have been bad again here about posting to the blog and for that I do apologize. My schedule has been rather busy with gardening, housework, and of course the never ending doll work as well still trying to adjust to some meds I am on. Don't get me wrong I do love the business and I guess it keeps me out of trouble--it does however help pay the bills .

This second picture again courtesy of Barb Felt as I forgot my camer, dopey me huh. I swear at times I would lose my head if it weren't attached.

I did set up an area in my sewing room to sculpt dolls and I have started a new sculpt that is very slowly coming along. I also set up what will be a new additionalroom for my ever growing doll collection. Between what few I buy and the ones I get as gifts and a few very generous customers that know my taste really well I am to the point were the one room is bursting at the seems.

My iris's are in bloom in the back yard as well as the poppies are just starting to open, there are little itty bitty starts to grapes on the grape vines we have and we finally got some much needed rain last night thankfully. Hopefully everything we planted does well.

Well for now I will close as I took some pain pills and they are making me groggy at best

Home from Washington Boro

Well gang I am sorry for the lack of posts but I was gone from Tuesday through Sunday of last week at Mark Dennis' Sculpting Class in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. The drive through the majority of Pennsylvania was beautiful and yes long 10 hours from my house to his but so worth the drive.

If any of you get the chance to take it class--DO IT!!! It is intensive but you learn so much and you walk away with a sculpted 18 inch doll. The direct link to his web site is http://www.mad-sculptor.com/ I have to take pictures of it yet to post here, which I am sure all of you are all excited to see.

On my way home I did stop in Gettysburg which if you take Route 30 from there home to gettysburgh is about an hour and half and stopped at my newest favorite store, Boyds Bear Country. Oh my gosh 4 floors of teddy bears over 7,000 of them according to the brochure. Again worth the effort. I spent about an hour there and was in teddy bear overload.

It is good being home and yesteray was spent doing doll repair trying to get some jobs closer to being done and also set up a new table made from an old door and two dresser drawers to have a place to scuplt it is in my sewing room and against a window so I can see the outside world from time to time.

I do have my first idea for my new sculpt which I have the armature already started and I am so excited about, it is like geting a breath of fresh air in the doll arena for me. I actually have a few ideas floating around in my head. But I am so glad all of you have joined me in reading this blog and plaing apart in my life. at times it does get lonely and feeling like I have no one to talk to but then I realize I do have Jim and all of you who read this, So for that I am very thankful

Ok I found this in a website blog I visit of a gay artist and thought this was way to fun--the mood i am in! Hope you all enjoy as much as I did!!

Thoughts of the day

This last week has been one of some struggle. Struggle in trying to stay present in the now, and not letting worry, stressing out, staying focused on the work instead of all the work I need to do.


The fatigue and soreness has been a real issue also this week and it has been hard this week to relaize I am not those things, it is only what I am feeling, it has gotten to the point where to a degree it has me somewhat depressed. The conversations I have don't seem to be as real, as honest, as connected, as present.


I go tomorrow to have blood work done for my upcoming doctor visit, so everybody keep your fingers crossed that it all goes well.


As far as the doll work I have been doing last month I got more accomplished in a period of a month (being this last one) than I have been able to do in any month in nearly 2 years. I feel good about it to a degree but I also realize in all reality it hasn't changed much of "the reality" and that my firends has been a hard thing to face. I am having a hard time seeing how in the grand scheme of things that it has made the difference.


As always I continue to ask you to pray for me.


From Chapter 7 of "A New Earth"


1). When everything is removed, what of me is left? The formless can be more powerful than those in form. It is a matter of Who I am not and what am I not.


2). "Knowing yourself deeply has nothing to do with whatever ideas are floating around in your mind. Knowing yourself is to be rooted in Being, instead of lost in your mind". Page 186


3). Being sacred is being in the now.


4). I am never upset for the reason I think. Being upset about it does nothing. What is more important is what can I do.


5). Suffering happens because we refuse to accept the now.


6). True sensitivity comes when you are absolutely present in the situation and see this is how it is and totally face the situation as it is and when that comes----so does enormous sensitivity.

The other thing I want to say to those new to this site and my writings is for the most part that the ending Youtube posts are a big in depth look inside my thoughts and feelings------------

"You can't now how much I missed the fairytale adventures--we were young together.... I have come home at last

Lilac's budding

My brother was out again this weekend and we grilled outdoors again for lunch and with Jim being off today it made for a real nice time. The lilac bush in the backyard as buds on it and a few open, not many. But within a few days the whole thing will be in full bloom and honestly can not wait to trim some off and bring them indoors like I did last year. They say it helps the memory, not sure if that is compleltely true or not.

While out this morning doing some errands my brother bought me "The Power of Now" also by Eckart Tolle--going to start reading tonight.

Chapter 6..............

"When you lose touch with your inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself, when you lose touch with yourself you lose yourself in the world. Your inner most sense of sefl of who you are is inseperable from stillness this is the I am that is deeper than the name of ofrm. You are the awarness disguised as a person".

1). Learn to be with the feelings of discomfort and emotional pain raher than running from it. Why accept is? Because it is here at this moment.

2). Christ wen to the depths of suffering and totally accepted suffering. "Thy will be done" it became a conscious suffering--- the It is of the moment--at that moment the divine comes into action.

3). The very moment the worst thing that can happen to you if you surrender to it, there is an opening that allows the energy of the divine to come through. The very moment of surrender it happens.

4). Grace hides behind every form of suffering.

5). The pain body that was mentioned a few weeks back can be passed from generation to generation, mother to child, in DNA--and then is only partly personal. Are we causing grief for our children by hanging unto pain that we shouldn't be? It is called by some the living past with in you. It takes only one conscious person, one conscious moment for the generational consciousness or lack of it to be broken.

6). By arguing and fighting in front of your children you may be helping them create their pain body. Even the emotion of fighting encourages the pain body and the energy of that negativity.

7). The feeling or actual reality of being not wanted by a parent can create the need "to make everyone my friend", "the need to please everyone all the time", "the need for everybody to accept me".

Hope your day is going well

Well, instead of doing this later in the day like I normally do I thought I would go earlier before my day really starts. I would like to say that one of the things that seem to really help me day get on the right foot is I have been meditating first thing when I get up in the morning. Clears my head, helps get me focused and gives me what energy I have.

Been working steadily on another big dolly job for the last few days and all I have left to do is make the christening dress, bonnet and booties I have to crochet. Will have to take pictures of it so I can share them all with you here.

I want to share some thought I got out Oprah's show on 04/04/08 that she did on "The New Earth", there are only a few......

1). The basis of your life is the present moment.

2). From Page 86 " Behind every negative self concept is th ehidden desire of being the greatest or better than others".

3). Spirituality is th elonging for something more, religion grew out of that longing.

A Hindu thought......

"One should remember man's spirit as the guide, the primordial poet, smaller than an atom, granter of all things, in form inconceivable, the color of th esun beyond darkness. A time of death, with the mind inmovable, armed with devotion and strength of discipline, focusing vital breath, one attains the supreme divin spirit of man".

One final thought for today something very profound that was said in class 6 of Eckhart's Online Class.........

"Stillness is your essential nature. What is stillness, the inner space or awareness which is te words on this page which are being perceived and become thoughts. Without that awareness there would be no perception, not htoughts, no world. You are that AWARENESS, disguised as a person"! This quote is from "Stillness Speaks" by Eckhart Tolle--which now I have to buy .

Thoughts of spring and more

Well things are OK--I have been battling extreme fatigue again so some of my work has suffered---at least the length of time I was working that is.

Everything here is getting green, sprouting, blooming, growing and is so alive. I have really noticed how alive it is for the first time in my life, it is simply amazing how it just surrounds me, draws me in, wants me to experience it, be part of it, listen to what it is really saying. I got the screens out for the porch and in the windows today, that Jim cleaned over the weekend.

We had to have the brakes on my car replaced before this trip to Lancaster in under three weeks and next week I h ave to get 2 new tires as well. The one is just about shot and the other has some metal in it form all this road construction happening around us, but i am thankful that the doll work has been there to pay for at least the brakes so far. Wasn't expecting that but hey--it is what it is.

My spirit hasn't been as high as it was last week, and honestly am trying to figure out why, or if there is even a why. I ask you pray for me as always.

More from Chapter 5.......

1). Worry is repetitive negative thought patterns which cause energy which then in turn can cause a person to be sick.

2). Just allow the emotion of sadness to happen with out the negativity and in reality it can lead to peace. Accept the emotion.

3). Thoughts are energy either positive or negative. One thought can take you over, even if that thought isn't true.

4). There is a difference between thought and inspiration.

5). Your never going to think your way to a purpose in your life.

6). "A problem can not be solved on the same level as consciousness that gave rise to the problem".

7). Accepting the negative emotion can be accepting the present moment, but realizing it is NOT the real you. It is as it is!

8). Obsessing about something is worry, this takes away your power like a parasite--that eats away at you.

9). Invite presence in, train in presence--become presence.

10). The deepest art goes beyond the deeper pain--it expresses beyond suffering.

That ends Chapter 5 and what I learned out of it. Finally for tonight I want to close with another Hindu thought.......

"When a person gives up desires in his mind, is content with the self within himself, then he is said to be a man whose insight is sure. When suffering does not disturb the mind, when his craving for pleasures has vanished, when attraction, fear, and anger are gone he is called a sage whose thought is sure".

Happy Passover

I know I am a little bit late but I wanted to wish all of my readers a very happy and sacred Passover season, where has the time gone that we are in this time and place again. A time and place in my opinon of holiness. Maybe more so this year than others for me because I am more aware of what is around me and I am more at peace than ever before.

My brother was out today and for the first time this year we bar-b-qued outdoors and ate at the picnic table in the back yard. It was so nice, laughed so much and for the last week have had some very profound and moving phone conversations. We had chicken, burgers but the killer was the grilled SHRIMP---YUMO as Racheal Ray says .

Also the first time this year I had to mow the grass, didn't think I would have to this early but once I started I didn't realize how high it was. Ever notice the incredible smell of just cut grass I did when I was finished with it and listening to the birds sing. It wasn't terribly hot, today but it wasn't to cold either for me it was very pleasant.

With that said I want to get into Chapter 5...............

Chapter 5

1). The quiet and stillness is holy and sacred.

2). The scared can be found even in the most ordinary things, a calmness and stillness where everything is magical.

3). The human mind seems hooked on the "me and my story" or the consatnt mind chatter or for some even both. Thinking happens to you all the time. Try to become aware of "the voice in the head". Some people can get trapped in "the voice in the head" and not be who we really are. We as a species who to a very large degree have lost our way---lost in thought---lost in the mind.

4). The past has no power over you! It can become as a burden page 141..... " Nothing ever hapened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past can not prevent you from being present now; what power does it have? Any negative emotion that is not fully faced and seen for what it is in the moment it arises does not completely dissolve. It leaves behind a remnant of pain". "This energy field of old but still very much alive emotion that lives in almost every human being is the pain body" when this happens an addiction to negativity can arise.

5). Be there as a very compassionate presence versus reacting to drama and accept it as it is. Don't feed the pain.

My final thought for tonight is from the Bhagavad Gita and is Hindu thought....

He who sees me everywhere and sees everything in me will not be lost to me, and I will not be lost to him. I exist in all creatures; so the disciplined man devouted to me grasps the oneness of life; where he is, he is in me".

Some great news

As of today I have finally caught up all my doll work. Some of it as old as 2 months behind. What is amazing to me is that somehow all it took was focusing on the now--and in this case one job at a time.

The other thing that happened today was this overall feeling of exhaustion but you know something for the first time I realized it wasn't who I am but what I feel and I took the day off. Did absolutely nothing and had no remorse or regret about it either.

I feel like I have so much in such a short length of time. Speaking of which I have had moments of the day where I have lost all sense of "clock time". The beginning of consciousness? I am just letting it be.

The other thing I have noticed is my conversations with friends and family have completely changed and for the better I might. They seem to be deeper, richer and much profound.

So with that said I want to share some more of Chapter 4 and what I have learned.....

1).True self esteem lies within the depths of the stillness within you. It is no longer the belief that I am greater than anyone and I am no longer influenced by criticism.

2). The roles we play change as time changes and we need to adept as the roles change. Some people people become completely identified with the role versus being "your true self". You don't feel acknowledged when you run across someone playing the role.

3). We are limited and realizing it puts us in the now.

4). Presence should permeate every moment in your life.

5). The "one huge challenge" or as some say "the cross to bear" can be the one true thing that brings enlightenment. There is sacredness in the challenge. Life is the dancer and you are the dance.

Final thought for chapter 4 a direct quote from the book.....

"So there is no such thing "as my life", and I don't have a life. I am life! I and life are one! It can not be otherwise. So how could I lose my life? How can I lose something that I don't have in the first place? How can I lose something I am? It is impossible !

1,000 HITS

Well you guys did it my faithful readers we hit 1,000 readers. Now why it showing 10 is beyond me .

A New day- - - - - - - - 525, 600 minutes

Well gang, not to be boastful but I am so happy to say that 2 days ago I did my first 10 hour work day and an 8 hour work day, for the first time in over a year. IN all honesty I didn't evn realize I had till it was over. I just focused on what I was doing, what I wanted to try to do and stayed with "my project" till that project was finished. I have made some serious catch up doll work wise in those 2 days and for that I am grateful to my new consciousness.

I guess I got in the zone, and yes there was some tremendous physical pain but somehow it seemed less when I was focused on just being. I find myself saying that a lot here lately , that and "it just is". How wondeful to have everything changed in a course of five weeks.

With that said I want to go more into depth of what I learned from Chapter 4

1). Take responsibility for your own consciousness and respect others were they are. Complete acceptance versus being judgemental. Know that what it is at the level it is. Acceptance is vital.

2). "Human alone is never enough, no matter how hard you try or what you do". Be present in the now ad you will not lose yourself in the human dimension. By being just there equals is creates less stress and gives more light and freedom..

3). Planning is more productive when you are just present and do it before and after the planning.

4). Just trust that in life that what you need in the future will be there when it is needed. You need to be in the present to be succesful..

5). The passion is more great when you are focused. Great endeavors start with small steps. It is "in the doing" that there is intensity of power.

I want to close with the most profound thought I read this week and found it in Hindu thought....

"Seeing, hearing touching, smelling, eating, walking, sleeping, breathing, the disciplined man who knows reality should think---- I DO NOTHING AT ALL".

Tried by fire..........................

This week emotionally has been one of my most trying in my entire life and without going into huge details about it (which many of you know somethings are best kept quiet and I do when the time is right) it has brought about a huge change in me. Also by focusing on the negative I am feeding it power, which I will not do., especially after reading the "New Earth". What I want to focus on is that change and the positive.

The issue that changed my life this week was a series of bold lie I was told, and like many of you reading this I am one of those people that when you lie to me it sends up some red flags. When those lies are compounded to the degree they were this week and everything "I thought I knew" was a lie, I had to rid myself of the liar.

I was directed by the facts, once I had them from people I trust with the very life I have; responded to those facts without losing any of my temper or letting myself become emotionally attached. Stated those facts and did what I knew was the very best thing possible. In reality I felt like I really became a man for the first time in my life.

Tried by fire, led by consciousness and in the end became stronger. I could ask for nothing more.

As far as my laryngitis my voice is all but completely gone. To the point that as of today it is a mere whisper. G-d must truly want me vocally silent for now, and I know in my hearts of hearts I am open to listen to what "He" wants and needs to say to me. With that said I want to go into some of what I learned out of Chapter 4 with all of you, and like chapter 3 it was quiet a bit so it will be broke up over a few days.

1). Become alert to your negativity--"unhappiness, resentment, discontent, nervousness or the feeling of being fed up. Become truly alert to the negativity and repeat silently.... "At this moment, I am creating suffering for myself".

2). "The ego doesn't know that your opportunity for being at peace is now. Or maybe it does know, and it is afraid that you may find this out. Peace, after all, is the end of the ego". page 115

3). In Zen they say "Don't seek the truth. Just cease to cherish opinions". page 121

4). If you can get more still there is less stress, more presence. Let go completely of fear and desire, by doing so it can only awaken those who are ready. You are the light. I am aware. The source of all energy is within you!

I want to close tonight by sharing with you some thoughts from the Bhagavad Gita--which is Hindu thought......

From anger comes confusion; from confusion memory lapses;

from broken memory understanding is lost;

from loss of understanding; he is ruined.

But a man of inner strength whose senses experience objects

without attraction and hatred,

in self control, finds serenity.

In serenity; all his sorrows dissolve;

his reason becomes serene,

his understanding sure. Without discipline,

he has no understanding or inner power;

without inner peace power, he has no peace,

and without peace where is joy?