Another book review and the loss of hope

Well I want to start with another book review for those of you who read this site for the Wizard of Oz and Judy Collectible things I find.

I have almost finished (With like 20 pages left to read) "The Other Side of the Rainbow with Judy Garland on the Dawn Patrol" by Mel Torme. Published by Morrow and Company, Inc. in New York 1970. This book primarily deals with the period of time Judy was shooting "The Judy Garland Show" for CBS. The book also goes into some details of Mel's private life at the time as well.

The title has to do with the early morning phone calls Judy would make to some of the staff concerning her worries about the show, her talent, her abilities and how she was being perceived on the show. The majority of the phone calls where like 2 to 4 a.m. and grew into the nickname "The Dawn Patrol" for those that got the phonecalls, soothed Judy's nerves and made the show go on.

I want to say some of what others have said about the book:

"Mel had the guts to relive the story our hearts were too full to recall"--Mickey Rooney

"A Vivid and highly sophisicated glimpse of the unfathambale Judy- the driven, the talented, the tormentor, and the tormented". Gerald Frank

"Versatility, of itself, is an oversized attribute. The important question is not: how many things can a man do, but how many things can he do well.....In this abosrbing account he reveals what his friends for saome time that he is handy at the typewriter as he is at the piano. The Other Side of the Rainbow is half autobiography and half biography.... the book is of unusual in that it accurately reveals the inner workings of a network television program".---- Steve Allen

I would recommend this book very much and Mel does a wonderful job telling what happened and only really speaking of Judy as he knew here, when he knew her and no more.

Now unto some personal thoughts--I want to talk a little about some of what was said at the doctor's visit at the Clinic. I have been giving it some very serious thought today and especially his comment about my "Having lost all hope". I am going to be painfully honest here and say that, that statement was very true. When it exactly happened I am not sure but I am beginning to understand the why it happened in the first place.

As many of you know I have been in the last 2 years or so very dramatcially ill to the point it felt like the bottom fell out literally. The bodily pain I have been in at times is very unbearable but somehow I keep trudging along. But in all reality I think I just gave up, didn't think anyone gave a good goddamn about what was happening and if they did nobody said anything directly to be so I wouldn't be ""overburdened". I felt so very alone and I personally not worth the fight, to fight back.

I just got to the point I feel I just didn't care anymore and there was no hope. You do stupid things when you get to that point and that stupidity can be very painful emotionally, spiritually and more than likely physically as well. Seeing that pain, that stupidity and loss of hope is even more painful, the whole "how could I have ever gotten so low". There were times people would come along and slap me upside my heada nd say "What the #%$& are you thinking" and one went so far to say "Snap out of it Mary". to those people who know who they are I thank you.

I know now that I really felt my time was at the end and now for the first time I know I am only in the middle of it. For that I am grateful.