Jim's Birthday

Well as I said in yesterday's post today is Jim's birthday. So this morning afer showering and shaving it was off to do errands. First the post office to mail more E-bay stuff I sold--you have to love the idea of making money while sitting at your computer in your jammies! The to the bank to depoist a customer check form a doll pickup yesterday, the the grocery store to get Jim's card and cake and then off to Borders to get Jim's present.

I got Jim Paula Deen's "Just Deserts" cookbook, Paula Deen's 2008 Calender/planner and the september issue of her magazine--jim just loves that "damn Paual Deen" as he says. The recipes are so easy and so delicious or as Paula would say just yummy! so the stuff was waiting for him when he came home on lunch break as well as a kitchen filled with smoke as I had a small grease firs on the stove this afternoon as well--scared me to death and the oil smoke brought tears to my eyes but all in all no damage thank G-d.

This early evening we went Down to Berlin, Ohio only about a half hour from here and wen tto supper at the Der Dutchman--both of which is the heart of Amish Country for those outside of Ohio reading this. The area is the largest Ohio residence of Amish in the entire state--We had such a nice drive the leaves are just beginning to change and we are talking of going sometime next week to try to catch the big leaf color change as well.

I ordered the Oz themed Iron ons from E-bay today to go with the doll for Akron's Children's Hospital so hopefully na day or so they should be here. My brother came up with the idea to embroider them ina Mustard color in reference to the Yellow Brick Road and the mustard color would be easier to see than just plain yellow--I had to agree. I guess until today I didn't realize how hard it can be to find Oz realted stuff outside of the internet !

Well gang until tommorrow--I am calling it an early night--

Charlie

The end of September

Well September has come and gone and summer is over and Fall is just beginning and the area trees are beginning to change, in many ways I so do enjoy this time of yesr if it were not for the fact that snow would be flying in a little over a month, and in some cases Halloween night--there are many childhood memories trick or treating in snow boots and a winter coat before going off to our church "Harvest party" G-d forbid Southern Baptist celebrate anything related to witches and Satan . Looking back on it we all were all so naive. Raised in a cult--is whta is was and in many ways very painful, even to this day.

Well tommorrow is also Jim's birthday so I have to go out and guy a cake and card and pick up his birthday present, which is somewhat of a surprise. He has tommorrow off so it should be a very nice time and day.

Started work on the doll for Akron's Children Hospital Charity Christmas Tree event I am going to call it "Dreams of Oz', an Aston Drake doll redone to look like a sleeping baby dorothy with stuffed lion and then a quilt with Oz stuff on it-- Iam hoping for at the very least copies of original illustrations from L. Frank Baums books on material and then sewn into green blocks will post pictures now that I have a new digital camera. Actually started work on the stuffed lion.

It seems as here lately I can not get enough of Oz, watching the movie almost every other day, reading the books as I win them off E-bay and learning as much as I can about the people behind it. Tonight is was reading up on the munchkins and thinking about an idea of a "Hall of Fame" possible book with bios and information I can glean on all or most of the munchkins.. Tonight it was learning about the "Doll family" who worked with P.T. Barnum.

Have won a fair share of the books and will have to scan some of the illustrations to put in this blog and have loved reading everything so far and to think L. Frank Baum was even bigger than J.K. Rowling in his day and 108 years later still being read. Also have won some original Munchkin autographs as well, it seems to have replaced dolls for the time being.

I think I really know why the obession---I have been looking for that place beyond the rain, beyond the stars---Somewhere Over the Rainbow my entire life. My life hs been like "Was" by Geoff Ryman--especially the character Jonathon who in the book is living with AIDS and goes looking for Oz and ends up dying in my opinion on the Yellow Brick Road. I wept when I read that book and actually need to buy it as when I read it I borrowed it from the library.

For me it was the character of the "insane" Dorothy and Jonathon that touched me most, as I have been both places in my life. In Betty Ford years ago drying out,and then shortly after having my mental break down where I should have been hospitalized and spent 6 years in therapy.

In my case though I think I am alone in to my Journey to Oz, and if I am lucky like Jonathon in my time I will die on the Yellow Brick Road. I have been in a very odd place the last few days---dark, lonely and in need of a very close friend I can be honest with and feel no regrets, no shame, no guilt and no fear. Will I get it I don't think I can--there are parts of me I right now do not want to walk into like a room never visited. Can I be that open, that honest, that frank and not scare or terrify those closet to me? I don't know. In some cases I may have already hurt them enough--and that topic I am leaving well alone.

I think for me the part that has been the hardest is trying to get the courage to "kill my own personal Wicked Witch" or in other words my own demons/dementers. For me they have been very real as if standing in the very room with me, voices and sounds from a very real hell, a thought that this last week has had me terrified beyond words--that in the end "that goes around comes around" as Pastor Dan mentioned into today sermon--and for me it would seem that is hell--my own worst torment and suffering.

Our choir director has asked me to try to make our rehearsals but how does one go about saying--I can't feel a song in my heart anymore--G-d has abandoned me---how can I inspire hope, when feeling so hopeless?

Thoughts for today

Well the last couple of days have just been overwhelming again, seems like nothing new here lately but in all honesty it does grow a little old fast. We went to steam clean the kitchen rug, as it desperately needed it, did about a fourth of the rug before the damn cleaner was not sucking up the water--UUGGHHH--now finally HOURS later it has dried but it also means buying a new steam cleaner, thank G-d they are now under $75.00 versus what they were when I bought the one that is now broke and was over $200.

The weather has cooled considerably and the leaves have began to change, the neighbors have started putting up Halloween decorations already and we have had our first 2 frosts already but considering we are a little more southern than Cleveland it hasn't killed anything as of yet.

The doll work has kept me very busy and I am so far behind it isn't funny, but at least it is steady and at least I have work promised into November already--it could be worse--with no work at all.

More from the "Come Be My Light" this is from an article in Time magazine--but I HAVE TO BUY this book!!

"(Jesus): Wilt thou refuse to do this for me?...You have become my Spouse for my love---The thirst you had for souls brought you so far--Are you afraid to take one more step for your Spouse--for me--for souls? Is your generosity grown cold? Am I second to you?

(Teresa) Jesus, my own Jesus--I am only Thine--I am so stupid--I do not know what to say but do with me whatever You wish--as You wish--as long as You wish. (But) why can't I..... be like everyone else.

(Jesus): I want... who would be my fire of love amongst the poor, the sick, the dying little children... You are I know the most incapable person--weak and sinful but just because you are that---I want to use You for My glory. Wilt thou refuse?

I guess the question is how or when do you know if you have "been called to a greater purpose" and the even greater question is can Jews be "called"? After all don't we all have the same G-d, and only our faith in the Messiah changes our "over all thinking". In the mean time the darkness encroaches, the silence becomes deeper and the pain more intense.

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Just an update

Well the last couple of days have been busy here with the standard doll work, house work, yard work and here lately listing E-bay auctions of naked Barbie dolls for people to use for OOAK. The turn around has been decent but the money has unfortunately all gone towards bills. I know many of you can realte to that and at times it does seem very overwhelming.

I just finished reading "The Road to Oz" by L. Frank Baum and was a very good read if your into fantasy and all things Oz--which of course I am. I have just started reading "Glinda of Oz" also by Baum and the illustrations alone are incredible. Jim was a sweetie and got me 2 more of the Oz books, will have to recheck the titles when they come in as right off the top of my head I can;t remember the titles.

On that note the short term memory thing for me here lately has been somewhat of a struggle, and if I don;t write it down it seems to fade from my mind rather fast. The fatigue as well here lately has been to some degree crippling which is a big downer. Then you add to this the always stiff muscles especially legs which are always sore. I am beginning to wonder if I should be checked for Fibermyalgia as well, it has to be smoething more than just "AIDS" battle scars as I call them here lately.

I wanted to share something I just read a few day ago that Mother Teresa wrote and is featured in a new book "Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light" and goes with the train of thought Christina Hall shared with me a few weeks back about the "Darkness of Night"--Christina, I hope you are reading this-----

Lord, my G-d who am I that you

should forsake me?

The Child of your Love--and now become the most hated one

The one--You have thrown away

as unwanted--unloved.

I call, I cling, I want-- and there is no One to answer--

No One on Whom I can cling--no, No One.---Alone...

Where is my Faith--even deep down right in there is nothing,

But emptiness & darkness--My G-d--how painful is this unknown pain--

I have no Faith--I dare not utter the words and thoughts that crowd

In my heart--and make me suffer agony.

So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them--

Because of the blasphemy--If there be G-d --please forgive me--

When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven--there is such

Convicting emptiness that those very thoughts

Return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul.

I am told G-d loves me--and yet the reality of darkness and

Coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul.

Did I make a mistake in surrending blindly.......

I think she beautifully touches on something that I have felt for a long time and if this incredible woman of such incredible religious strength can say such things and believe such things about herself and her G-d, then who am I to cast myself off and judge myself so harshly in feeling the exact same way many times and quite honestly the bulk of my lfe--that G-d has been utterly absent. Will it change or shall I live out my days feeling the way I do---Sometimes the darkness is so overwhelming.

Charlie

Yom Kippur

I know its been a few days since posting, but things here have been busier than usual for some reason. With rush jobs for customers, the usual house and yard work--I am not so sure it will ever end.

Since last writing in the blog my brother and I had a wonderful day antique shopping last weekend and he bought a beautiful Minerva tin head doll while I found "Through the Looking Glass" by Lewis Carrol for a mere $1.00 and then I also found this great magazine photo of Judy Garland with a rainbow in the background frro 1964 and that was a mere $4.00 and that was the big wad I blew at the show .

That same weekend (actually Sunday) I had my first outdoor showing of my paintings, and actual first show, at the Clinton Applefest--Clinton is this small township right next to our "city" but with the beautiful weather we had at the event, the event had about 650 people or so and I SOLD a painting---my very first!!! I was beside myself, needless to say the money went to pay bills but still it was a rush. The woman that bought it planned on hanging it in her li ving room and the piece she bought was my first abstract.

Will be offline a few days here as having our computer cleaned and a new drive installed for the card reader for the new digital camera Jim bought a little over 2 weeks ago, but it will be able to do much better pictures for E-Bay and for the blog as well.

In the mean time I want to take the time and wish all of you a very happy and sacred Yom Kippur (as it begins tonight at sunset) and also take the time personally and say that if for any reason at any time I have hurt, offended or upset anyone in anyway I want to apologize and try to make ammends for it as is the custom for Yom Kippur.

Until next time,

Charlie



Ok, now for a inside view to my head as i have said my Youtube posts are all about--here we go--this the mood, this is the music--I know you all know the words so sing along with me and join me dancing in the background to the Legendary DIVA!!!!

I remember exactly where I was..........

I am sure I am no the only American that remembers exactly where and what I was doing when I first heard of the plane hitting the first of both Twin Towers in New York City, what is hard to imagine is that day is now six years later. A war that in the beginning everyone was behind, a war now that I am not sure has made so much difference. We had a President that everyone believed in at the time and now no one believes--a promise for a safer world, but is it.

What I know for certain is we lost so many lives not only on that day six years ago--- but the amount of life we have lost in service men and woman in the war that has followed. A tribute to lives lost at the Pentagon, that is being built at the cost of the families of the victims--A VALID fact pointed out today by Oprah Winfrey herself. We should be appalled, the President in disgrace that not only do these families loose someone they love dearly but that we make them pay again to remember them---SHAMEFUL! We have learned very little it seems, and where has our hearts and feeling gone. We as Americans are some of the biggest hearted caring people on the planet but when we turn over our dollars--where does it all go? Misused, as we have learned for the trillions of dollars we gave after 9/11, misused and misdirected after Katrina-----SHAMEFUL! And do we take the time to reflect on those events, and those lives, I really wonder.


On a different train of thought with the High Holidays just a few short days away, I wanted to let you in on that Jim and I baked a Sweet Honey cake, the traditional kind made by Jews every where. This wouldn't be such a big deal but it is our first time doing this together as a couple and my first time making this style of cake since I lost my beloved Micheal nearly 20 years from AIDS.

I shared with Jim that for the brief period I was with my Micheal that he would make this cake for the High Holidays and very special occasions like my birthday or even his. In all honesty I hadn't even eaten that style of cake till last year when a Jewish lady in our "Chaplain" classes asked what kind of cake I wanted on my birthday as the class landed on my actual Birthday. I gave it a lot of thought and said Sweet Honey Cake, and when she did it brought back some very wonderful and yes even some painful memories--but isn't that what makes all human in the first place, the wonderful and the painful and last night while it was baking and filling the kitchen with that wonderful aroma I was again reminded how wonderfully blessed I am.

Charlie

In preparation for Rosh Hashanah

Well gang, as many of you this week is primarily spent in prepations for Rosh Hashanah and well I wanted to give all of you read this blog a little more insight into the holiday and what it means, so below is so great information I found on the web that is pretty clear.

Hope you walk away learning something new and maybe join me in observing one of the holiest times of year for Jews and those of us who have adopted the faith and the pratices.

As many of you know I do attend a United Church of Christ Church but there are many ways even today that I consider myself Jewish-- in belief, in thought, in the way I pray and to some degree live my life and at this point in my life this church comes as close to a home I have had in years, many may not realize my exact thinking but that is alright as our former Pastor's assistant said "our individual faith is something sacred only to usand to our G-d and that is all that matters. Pray three times a day, wear tallit when you do, observe Shabbat. If it makes your life more meaningful and close to G-d than dwell there".

...In the seventh month, on the first of the month, there shall be a sabbath for you, a remembrance with shofar blasts, a holy convocation. -Leviticus 16:24

Rosh Hashanah occurs on the first and second days of Tishri. In Hebrew, Rosh Hashanah means, literally, "head of the year" or "first of the year." Rosh Hashanah is commonly known as the Jewish New Year. This name is somewhat deceptive, because there is little similarity between Rosh Hashanah, one of the holiest days of the year, and the American midnight drinking bash and daytime football game. There is, however, one important similarity between the Jewish New Year and the American one: Many Americans use the New Year as a time to plan a better life, making "resolutions." Likewise, the Jewish New Year is a time to begin introspection, looking back at the mistakes of the past year and planning the changes to make in the new year.

The name "Rosh Hashanah" is not used in the Bible to discuss this holiday. The Bible refers to the holiday as Yom Ha-Zikkaron (the day of remembrance) or Yom Teruah (the day of the sounding of the shofar). The holiday is instituted in Leviticus 23:24-25.

The shofar is a ram's horn which is blown somewhat like a trumpet. One of the most important observances of this holiday is hearing the sounding of the shofar in the synagogue. A total of 100 notes are sounded each day. There are four different types of shofar notes: tekiah, a 3 second sustained note; shevarim, three 1-second notes rising in tone, teruah, a series of short, staccato notes extending over a period of about 3 seconds; and tekiah gedolah (literally, "big tekiah"), the final blast in a set, which lasts (I think) 10 seconds minimum. Click the shofar above to hear an approximation of the sound of Tekiah Shevarim-Teruah Tekiah. The Bible gives no specific reason for this practice. One that has been suggested is that the shofar's sound is a call to repentance. The shofar is not blown if the holiday falls on Shabbat.

No work is permitted on Rosh Hashanah. Much of the day is spent in synagogue, where the regular daily liturgy is somewhat expanded. In fact, there is a special prayerbook called the machzor used for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur because of the extensive liturgical changes for these holidays. Another popular observance during this holiday is eating apples dipped in honey, a symbol of our wish for a sweet new year. This was the second Jewish religious practice I was ever exposed to (the first one: lighting Chanukkah candles), and I highly recommend it. It's yummy. We also dip bread in honey (instead of the usual practice of sprinkling salt on it) at this time of year for the same reason.

Another popular practice of the holiday is Tashlikh ("casting off"). We walk to flowing water, such as a creek or river, on the afternoon of the first day and empty our pockets into the river, symbolically casting off our sins. Small pieces of bread are commonly put in the pocket to cast off. This practice is not discussed in the Bible, but is a long-standing custom. Tashlikh is normally observed on the afternoon of the first day, before afternoon services. When the first day occurs on Shabbat, many synagogues observe Tashlikh on Sunday afternoon, to avoid carrying (the bread) on Shabbat.

Religious services for the holiday focus on the concept of G-d's sovereignty.
The common greeting at this time is L'shanah tovah ("for a good year"). This is a shortening of "L'shanah tovah tikatev v'taihatem" (or to women, "L'shanah tovah tikatevi v'taihatemi"), which means "May you be inscribed and sealed for a good year." More on that concept at Days of Awe.
You may notice that the Bible speaks of Rosh Hashanah as occurring on the first day of the seventh month. The first month of the Jewish calendar is Nissan, occurring in March and April. Why, then, does the Jewish "new year" occur in Tishri, the seventh month?

Judaism has several different "new years," a concept which may seem strange at first, but think of it this way: the American "new year" starts in January, but the new "school year" starts in September, and many businesses have "fiscal years" that start at various times of the year. In Judaism, Nissan 1 is the new year for the purpose of counting the reign of kings and months on the calendar, Elul 1 (in August) is the new year for the tithing of animals, Shevat 15 (in February) is the new year for trees (determining when first fruits can be eaten, etc.), and Tishri 1 (Rosh Hashanah) is the new year for years (when we increase the year number.

Finally no more pain

Well thank G-d Friday is over is all I can say, I would have written sooner but this is hte first real day I feel like myself again.

Friday was absolutely positively bar none the worst day of my entire life ever. The Valium he prescribed barely took the edge of and I was loopier than a kid in a candy shop with $1,000 bucks to spend . The G-d awful robes with your entire rear end exposed, the cold spray to get you ready and then this I couldn't even bear to look at to take the stint outr--AWAKE the entire time.

The pain was unreal, I honestly felt like I was being ripped inside out through Mr. Happy who by the way wasn't all too happy . I was sobbing uncontrobally from the pain, the doctor was like "Just breath Mr. Dale and please regain your composure it will be over shortly" I looked at him and angrily "You ever had this done to you" he of course said no and the bastard giggled Thats when I knew I was in for it. It seemd like it took forever, again the pain was unbearable, I was beside myself and the doctor and nurse well were VERY unsympathetic.

When it was finally over I was a abll of raw sobbing nerves, covered in my own urine, humilated and angry as hell when all I was told was "it's over now, you can go home". Not even a damn towel to clean up. I lost it at the receptionist desk and said "You know I am more than a G-d damn number, I am a person and I have feelings and I demand some respect and this place gave me none of it, not even anything to clean myself up with". This of course was at the top of my drama queen voice.

I opened the door, Jim took one look at me knowing and hearing what I just screamed asked if I was alright, hugged me in the office full of complete strabgers andd I said "All I want is to go home and this G-d damn %$*&@## doctor is never getting his hands on me again". Well you knw I am not one to swear but honestl I could have cared less about everyone staring at me what thjey or the staff thought either it was horrid and to think this guy was referred by the hospital, is suppose to be one of the best in this area nd Medicaid/Medicare will pay the entire biull which I am sure will be over $20,000 for everything
t of my mind

The rest of Friday was spent sleeping as I went home and drugged myself out of my mind. Saturday was some better again thank G-d for drugs and today was the first tim in two weeks I have "went" with no pain" at last its finally over. S from here on out a gallon of water everyday for the rest of my life to never have to go through that again.

Well this coming week is going to be playing catch up for the last two weeks with the doll repair, which is still coming in steadily and as of today I am promising in to November already. My christmas deadline slots will be filled no later than the first part of October and then we are done as I do not want to work myself to a frazzled mess like last year.

Well Gang till next time,
Charlie

Pavorotti has died and other news.......

ROME (Sept. 6) - Luciano Pavarotti, opera's biggest superstar of the late 20th century, died Thursday. He was 71. He was the son of a singing baker and became the king of the high C's. Pavarotti, who had been diagnosed last year with pancreatic cancer and underwent treatment last month, died at his home in his native Modena at 5 a.m., his manager told The Associated Press in an e-mailed statement.
His wife, Nicoletta, four daughters and sister were among family and friends at his side, manager Terri Robson said. "The Maestro fought a long, tough battle against the pancreatic cancer," Robson said. "In fitting with the approach that characterised his life and work, he remained positive until finally succumbing to the last stages of his illness."

Pavarotti's charismatic personna and ebullient showmanship - but most of all his creamy and powerful voice - made him the most beloved and celebrated tenor since the great Caruso and one of the few opera singers to win crossover fame as a popular superstar. "He has been, of course, one of the greatest tenors ever, one of the most important singers in the history of opera," colleague Jose Carreras told reporters in Germany. "We all hoped for a miracle ... but unfortunately that was not possible, and now we have to regret that we lost a wonderful singer and a great man."

For serious fans, the unforced beauty and thrilling urgency of Pavarotti's voice made him the ideal interpreter of the Italian lyric repertory, especially in the 1960s and '70s when he first achieved stardom. For millions more, his thrilling performances of standards like "Nessun Dorma" from Puccini's "Turandot" came to represent what opera is all about. "Nessun Dorma" turned out to be Pavarotti's last aria, sung at the opening ceremony of the Winter Olympics in Turin in February 2006. His last full-scale concert was at Taipei in December 2005, and his farewell to opera was in Puccini's "Tosca" at New York's Metropolitan in March 2004. Instantly recognizable from his charcoal black beard and tuxedo-busting girth, Pavarotti radiated an intangible magic that helped him win hearts in a way Placido Domingo and Carreras - his partners in the "Three Tenors" concerts - never quite could.

"I always admired the God-given glory of his voice - that unmistakable special timbre from the bottom up to the very top of the tenor range," Domingo said in a statement from Los Angeles. Pavarotti, who seemed equally at ease singing with soprano Joan Sutherland as with the Spice Girls, scoffed at accusations that he was sacrificing his art in favor of commercialism.

"The word 'commercial' is exactly what we want," he said after appearing in the "Three Tenors" concerts. "We've reached 1.5 billion people with opera. If you want to use the word 'commercial,' or something more derogatory, we don't care. Use whatever you want." In the annals of that rare and coddled breed, the operatic tenor, it may well be said the 20th century began with Enrico Caruso and ended with Pavarotti. Other tenors - Domingo included - may have drawn more praise from critics for their artistic range and insights, but none could equal the combination of natural talent and personal charm that so endeared Pavarotti to audiences.



Well gang with the sad news of Pavorotti another great voice is lost and to a large degree I wished I had taken the time to see him in concert, well I guess somethings are not meant to be.

I wanted to share a note I got from a very dear friend of mine about some of the posts I have done in this blog, and especially if anyone else is feeling what I have been the last few months at all. Her name is Christina and she has been battling cancer for some time now, and has actually been be ridden for over a year.

Christina writes--- "It is about what you are experiencing. Charlie there is a book called The Collected works of St.John of The Cross. You should get a copy and read it. What you are going through is called "the dark night of the soul".

When people reach a higher level of faith (than most people experience) God calls them to journey on a dark path where they do not feel Him and they go through many trials where he refines them to His image.I can tell you that the feeling you are experiencing of loneliness, emptiness, and separation from God are part of this dark night. He has not forgotten you or left you.

He actually trusts you at this point in your faith, that like a parent letting a young adult get more freedom without them, He has given you that freedom. That is why you don't feel him. You probably won't for the rest of your life. Because the closer you get, the less you will feel him. Mother Theresa felt this same "dark night of the soul"."

First of all thank you Christina for the lovely note and then taking time to talk to me on the phone as well, it meant so much just being able to talk with you. I go Friday to get the stint removed and I am hoping the worst of it is behind me and that recovery will go little faster than it has so far, while the burning feeling and frequency will also diminish. Well today's blog is running rather lenghty so I guess I will close for now---Keeping you in my thoughts.

Charlie

EXPRESS YOURSELF--do it today

POST surgery note

Some of you asked how I made out--surgery went well but still very sore and drugged out of my fragile little mind--which isn;t all that bad. I go Friday to have the stent removed, so keep me in your prayers. Sorry I haven't posted sooner.

The post from "youtube" is how I am really feeling--so for those wondering I am Daffy Duck in this post. BLAMMMM!! If I could just the pain to go away and its actually "Kidney Stone" season but my feathes are beginning to smell like they are burned.... and I am the one I am driving !!

Another doctors visit

The photos in today's blog are from an E-bay auction that was brought to my attention from an online group I belong to called Viki's Finds and her Top E-bay picks. This doll is a full body sculpt done in an oven bake polymer clay with Mohair wig. What I find fascinating is that not that many people for some reason sculpt dolls of men and this one is so incredibly well done, I just had to share hi with all of you. His "Tarzan" outfit is made of leather and does reveal a little bit of "tushie" so if you are of faint heart skip that photo that is enclosed in this blog as well. Hopefully this artist does more of this kind of thing soon and for the life of me I wish I could remember her name but you know they say the first thing to go is your mind !
Well I saw yesterday the urologist and I am scheduled Friday for actual surgery, apparently they do not want to waste anytime fooling around. I found out the stones are 7 and 8 millimeters in size and when most people pass them they are no more than a 4 in size. The other thing in regard to them is that they are positioned in such away that the "water blasting" that at times is done, is not possible so its actual surgery. They go up in you with a scope, crush them and then pull them out. While in you they are going to temporarily leave a plastic stint as the thingy the pee goes through usually collapses when they remove stones of this size.

The plastic stint is left in long enough for this thingy to heal itself around it and keep the shape its suppose to and then its another procedure to have it removed. Honestly, I am a little scared but I also know it could have been much worse, and because it is not I am thankful and grateful. Not sure about the time yet on Friday as the doctors office has not called back but it is done at the hospital as an outpatient. I swear they do not keep anybody for anything anymore--oh well, what is a boy to do.

One other thing I found out is that he is 90% sure they are caused by the medications I am on and that I am not drinking nearly enough water and because of that the medications as they "dissolve" turn into this gooey glop of gunk that then turns into crystals that have calcium in them and they then in turn into stones. So I have to drink more water to help prevent this from happening again. The thing is out of all the times I have had these this is the first doctor that has said this. At least now I know, and can do something about it.


The dresses for the doll for the church raffle are almost done, have to buy baby socks and shoes yet and finish the bear to go with it but should have that done by the deadline. I am also working on patterns for a secret collaboration with an other artist. It is three glamorous dresses, one of which is going to be made from antique material, but don't want to say more than that as I want the other artist to reveal it all when it is all done, so keep posted.

Hope all of you are well and know that you are in my thoughts.


Charlie

I know you guys more than likely know the words to this as well as I do, so join me and sing along and for wondering minds yes this "queen" is dancing in the corner to it !!!

It is just another day

Well gang, it is just another day here and to tell you the truth I am begginning to feel that the blogging thing doesn't matter, that very few of you are reading what is being written, that in the grand scheme of things I may not even matter for that matter. Does my heart ache--yes, does my sould hurt--yes, does it feel like I can not get ahead or at least afloat--yes, does it seem like I can not serve G-d in the way that I should or have been called to do--Absolutely!!

Yes gang I am still on depression medication--but this is more than that. I just do not feel useful, I don't feel like G-d is even listening to my prayers. It is like he has turned a deaf ear to me somehow. It is like this higher purpose is beyond reacha nd always will be. That some how it is my fault for not being righteous or holy enough, yes even good enough to serve, let alone get what I want and need aout of this.

First it was this class being called off, then its volunteering for things or positions and not being needed or asked to serve or yes even overlooked. It is how I feel, it may not be the way it is but if there is one thing I have learned in mym time it is to speak in "I" statements. So here go some of my "I" statements...................

1. I feel that G-d has led me down this very special path to somehow serve Him and that by serving him my life will be filled with joy and peace.


2. I feel that part of this path is in reaching out to those in need in some kind of stewardship maybe even becoming a chaplain, but that for some reason things have not worked out that way as of yet and that i nthe process I feel used!


3. I feel that my talents to a large degree are being wasted and that there is something larger in store for me as well in this area and for what ever reasons that has not worked out either and in the process I feel rejected!


4. I feel to some degree that a part of this is my fault because of my own mismanagement and that if I could buckle down and apply myself I could get it all done. I also feel no else is going to make this happen but for me!


5. I feel I need to confront some issues and people in and around mylife. BUt I also feel I do not know how without hurting them, harming our friendships or causing a rift between us. But I also feel to a large degree it can be ignored no longer.

Well I guess till next time--and till I can get it all sorted out--I cherish those friendships and relationships that I have and that are in "the inner circle" of my life, I am thankful for those that take the time and read my blog and watch the "Youtube" posts as well as many times it is a real non-verbal look into my head and my life--

Charlie

Oy Vey what a day

Well kids, as many of you know I am not one to really complain, but yesterday was just the day from complain-ville. It all started with the heat-- which was darn near 100 yesterday. Well I was upstairs working on doll repairs with the windows open, the fans going and my shirt off, as the house does not have central air in it. Any way I got to feeling nauseous and light headed, so I laid down on the floor in my doll room to get my whits about me.

Got up and went downstairs as Jim had lunch ready, laid down in the bedroom to cool off as it is the only room with an in window air conditioner. Got rather cool and than the pain started, really severe pain in my left side and could barely move, then the pain became excruciating, tried to get into the kitchen to get my lunch as was also starved and next thing I know I was on the floor doubled over in agony.

I had Jim call the paramedics, who took all my vitals, started some oxygen and an IV and ran me into the emergency room about 1/2 hour away. By this time I was very light headed and very dizzy and still in agony. Got into the emergency room and my room and they took my vitals again and some blood work and sent me off to have a CT scan to find out what the heck was going on as we still had no clue whatsoever.

Well to make this long story short--KIDNEY STONES, again kids--this is now 17 times in 16 years I have had these. There are two of them sizes 7-8 millimeters, which also means kids--SURGERY!! More than likely the water kind and no actual incisions or anything but Oy the pain. I called Friday (today) and have an appointment to see a urologist on Monday who will do the procedure and will keep you posted on what happens from there. In the past the stones have been caused by my HIV/AIDS medications and we have ended up changing them, hopefully this time that is not the case. I really don't want on a new combination and to go through six weeks of side effects before I get use to them.

On other news, the Spirituality Class at the hospital has been CANCELLED!! As they did not have enough people to sign up for it, which is a real shame as I was really wanting to do this and answer the call that I feel G-d has lead me to. I still have a chance at the year long class that starts in in May 2008. I want to thank all of you that joined me in praying that somehow this class would happen, apparently, Our G-d knows that now is not the time and has a divine plan and purpose laid out.

Please join me though in praying that the surgery goes well and that I can do the water blasting versus actual incision surgery.

Charlie

Update from the last week

The photos are of a one of a kind doll that was recently on E-bay and I just fell in love with, for the life of me I can't remember the name of the piece or the artist--I think it was called the "Death of a Fairy" but that could be way off. I felt it was so moving and strring that I had to share it here. Not only was it dolly related but it was really lated to the realm of Spirituality. And maybe that is what I need to try to do within this site is mix the two and then maybe people will be reading more and maybe even responding more--you knows?

Well gang, I know it has been a while again since I posted but things here have been busy as usual. You know normal life stuff--house work, shopping, yard care, laundry and then of course dolly work. Stuff for customers as always and then the last week or so working on a doll for our church raffle in October. The town our church is in has an Applefest in October and our church does a raffle and this year one of the prizes is this doll.

It is going to be this Linda Rick doll with 3-4 dresses I am making, a handmade teddy bear, a blankie, a pillow and an antique baby bassinet. The one dress has been so far a fair amount of work to it as I am embroidering kitties on it. Its one of those iron on transfers that some people use in childrens quilts. The kitties are doing sutff like ironing, cooking, wheeling baby litties ina buggy. In all 6 iron on transfers. It should be awfully adorable when it is done.

Today is the last art class till mid September and then I have to find out for sure about the timing for my Spirituality Class at Akron General I spoke back some time ago and then adjust my art classes around that. I have been working ona portrait in that clas of Jim's mother when she was 16 which was in the early 1920's and if finished in time will b e one of his Christmas presents. Somewhat of a secret so lets keep that between us. Right now still praying and witing to see if enough people have signed up for the class to go forward. Lets all hope there are enough for the class to happen, and lets all continue to pray.

As some of you may know the last few days here have been raining quiet a bit and there is some minor flooding in our town. Nothing serious as the main river and then the Ohio Erie Canal run through some unhoused areas in town. So the worst of the damage is that the downtown park is under about foot or more of water and much deeper in spots. Usually in the last five years that I have lived here we only get minor canal/river flooding in the spring when the snow melts.

The "shoe complaint lady" did show up and I made Jim deal with her and after all the headache, heart ache and complainign she did with me on the phone, she was as nice as sin can be and just "an utter joy" to work with--JIm's words not mine. I could have literally screamed! Oh well there just is no pleasing some people and apparently she is one of them.

We, being Jim and I, took my parents out for supper as it was my Dad's birthday--he turned 68 by the way-- and we had such a nice time and such a great meal in one of those Amish run and owned restraunts in Amish country by my parents, which is a little different then the Amish country by Jim and I.

Well gang its off to work, hope all of you are doing well and that you are finding the strength to get through lifes daily stuff, and the finding the hope to help you conquer even those little "mini battles" as I call them. Until then my friends may G-d shine his face on you and surround you in his love.

Charlie--you all remember this right? And how to do it right? If so join me

Some INCREDIBLE news

I want to start and say thank G-d it has finally cooled off here some, because of the rain storms that ran through her last week. The humidity hasn't nearly been as terrible as it was nor has the actual temperature itself, we haven't had to run the air conditioner in the bedroom the last few days where there for a while we hardly shut it off. Matter of fact very late last night/very eraly this morning I had to pull the light weight balnket on the bed as I was chilly.

The pepper plants so have far have only produced two peppers but the cucumbers are going beserk and even though they are samll they are so good. The tomatoes how ever have been pathetic--tiny, green and not very many of them like last year maybe we haven't had enough rain for them to do any better.

Well I passed my TB test that I had to have for the upcoming Spirituality/Chaplain course I am taking at Akron General Hospital which begins in September. Join me in prayer that we get at least teo more people to sign up as they need at least three to hold it and right now I am the only one regisitered. This is part two of the class and includes some psychitary--maybe I could set a booth like Lucy from the "Peanuts" comics and give out advice for an iuckel !

The doll work has kept me very busy, and the painting right now I take one full day off of doll work and do nothing but paint. I also have a doll I am doing for our church raffle for the Norton Apple Festival, have one I promised Akron Childrens Hospital for their big Christmas fundraising event and of course my Dream Halloween piece. When do I find the time to sleep you ask--I don't know !

Unto the INCREDIBLE news, I went to my HIV Specialist (who I went back to after almost a year and a half of seeing someone closer to home)last week and got some news that knocked me out of my chair......

1st- When I went back to him I weighed a mere 155 which for me was horrific--I looked like a death camp survivor honestly ( a 29 waist when normal for me is 33-35). I know weigh an even 200!

2nd- No new signs of Kaposi Sarcoma or KS as its called--which is what I was dealing with at the Orlando National BArbie doll convetion. While the lesions i had then are now COMPLETELY GONE!!

3rd-- The biggest was my t-cells and viral load. Kepp in mind a normal t-cell range is around 1,800 so the higher the numbers the better and viral load is the amount of activity the HIV/AIDS virus has in your body so the lower those numbers the better. When I went back to my t-cells were 11 and a viral load of 35,000. My first tests after changing meds were 55 t-cells and an undectible viral load, this time around t-cells were 158 and viral load still undectible.

Now this is the highest my t-cells have been in eight years and if they go above 200 it wil be the first time in 15 years. When I heard the news I about fell out of my chair but thrilled, so apparently my meds are working and the love of a partner and my dog can't hurt any thing either.

Well gang, guess I will close for today here and hopefuly can put in an entry here tommorrow--See you then. So until then join me and lets boggie to some Bee Gee's

Charlie

Update from last week

Well gang, you know if you have been in here, in a regular basis I missed all of last week and part of this one as well--bad blog author bad!! But between the heat making me, and most of us, absoultely miserable and some days down right sick and between the back log of work that I have been trying to get done it has been beyond hectic.

If your wondering why the heat has taken its toll here it has been upper 90s to 100s for days now and the freaking humidty has been the worst of it, there were a few days were I could ring out the sweat of a shirt I was wearing, it was that bad. The part that makes this even worse is the house doesn't have central air and the only room with an in window air conditioner is the bedroom, so we have been hanging out there an awful lot. More Jim than tnan me the last couple days as the heat has been making him very naseaus to say the least of it.

The other part of this equation is that the heat has also, like may f you, drained everything out of me and have ended up taking naps mid-afternoon because of the sheer exhaustion. Enough heat talk, good news I got my very first bell pepper out of my garden yesterday, my first tomatoe as well day before yesterday and trimmed back some of the growing lavender and debating between cookies, tea or making soap with it. Decisions, decisions, decisions.

I have a question here for my readers who do doll owrk or work that others pay you for your service. I had a lady last week, who I had a susipion would be a pain in the butt just from the very first meeting, and especially from the day she picked the repair up. Well she called me day before Monday and proceeded to call me everything in the book except a white boy. Said me work was inferior at best, amateurish, the skills of a 5 year old and that after paying for it my fees were absoulutely positively too high. It involved a pair of leather shoes I made and I won't get into everything she said but I said I would look at them to settle this once and for all and to bring them over. Well this woman is like 5 flipping minutes by car from my house and said "well, I can't make it all today but when I do have the time I will call you in advance.

Ok I know we all have lives here but this person is 5 minutes away, just reamed me a new--you know what and now insults me by not taking care of the same day she called! What I guess I want to know is how should I handle this and or how would you handle this. I mean many of you know me, know my work and know I have been in this a very long time, treat every job I do as if I owned the doll myself and many of you now that to some degree I am a respected, honorable, trustworthy artist. This people really hurt me to the core and left me never wanting to work on dolls repair wise ever again.

Today is my check up with my HIV Specialist and i get my last t-cell count and viral load report as well as my check up, hoping everything oges well and i promise to let you all in on the results tommorrow in a post.

The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak

at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone

from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth

and spoke the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all

was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth

and now only those who loved her

know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,

the cars... the house... the cash.

What matters is how we live and love

and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard,

are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left

that can still be arranged.

If we could just slow down enough

to consider what's true and real

and always try to understand

the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger

and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives

like we have never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect

and more often wear a smile...

remembering that this special dash

might only just a last a while.

So when your eulogy is being read

with your life's actions to rehash,

would you be proud of the things they say

About how you spent your dash?

A day off from dolly work

Well, I have finally done it and with no real huge side effects I might add--what is that you ask freind?? I day off and doing no dolly work! It doesn't happen often but when it does its like a breath of fresh air. Like re-energizing your batteries if you will, because as we all know it gets a little overwhelming at times.

So how did I spend my day you may ask--well kids, I painted for damn near the whole day. Yep drug out the brushes and the cavases, turned on the stero with disco music in the CD player--cranked it as loud as it would go and just lost myself in s series of paint. What a wonderful day I have had, no pressure to finish them, no deadlines, timelines, no phone, no television, no one bothering me as Jim was at work and just painted for the sake of painting.

I am working on a Vistorian/turn of the century woman piece for my dentist and his wife who have given me FREE all my dental work and their home is deocrated in that kind of style so it should fit beautifully. I also worked some ona breand new Anna Nicole piece I started a while back that should be just a knock out and had the idea today that I am also going to paint a portrait of Tammy Faye Baker Messner, not exactly sure why but thought it would be fun and campy.

Speaking of Tammy Faye the first "Youtube" vid inthat blog entry about her dying is fixed so please take a look at when you have the time. I have CDs of music by her ordered at the library and they should be coming in any day now, she had in my opinon a great voice.

I sent off my check for my space for my first outdoor art showing in September at the "Clinton Apple Fest" its a very small town near us but 1,200 people in 5 hours will hopefully see my stuff-- I am a little nervous but very excited. If I am really lucky maybe I can sell something as well. Lets all pray I do!!
I have to start the drawings for the mural I was hired to do--not sure if I mentioned this yet or not but its a huge on for a freind of mine and her indoor swimming pool room. Three huge arched panels that take up the whole wall and she wants a Floridian lanscape painted on it, so I started gathering ideas for it. Should be a lot of fun and something different as well.

Well gang hope you all have a nice and fun filled weekend.

Charlie

You all sing along as Donna provides the words and the "bouncing ball"

My week and Harry Potter stuff

Well this week has been mostly all work and very little down/me time and frankly it has grown really old really fast. I have to be able to find a balance somehow and I am not sure how to exactly do it. I know I am not alone in this boat over all work no play or all overtime but at times it gets very lonely and yes friends depressing.

CanI be honest here and some something I have wanted to say for a long long time here ---I would do almost anything to be able to be a big time succesful dollmaker--selling dolls all over, ads in big time magazines, a name people recognized, a person people longed to meet, dolls people HAD to have and not have to worry about a lot of the things so many of us worry about. How will we pay all the bills, how will we ever get ahead--the average joe kind of thing and not have to struggle so hard all the time, which grows old as well.

You just work so long and so hard you begin at times to wander will it ever pay off, will it ever get me what I so desperatley want, does it even matter--are people even reading my words here and do they relate, do they give a damn. 40 posts/entries, 277 hits and barely any responses, what are people who read this think?? What would it take to get more people to read, to respond, to maybe even share their thoughts and experiences--am I putting to much personal information out and people do not know how to deal with it, respond to it and am I stepping in a terriority all to familiar to too many??

Maybe for the people in my doll groups it isn't enough about dolls or what I am doing doll wise, in my Wizard of Oz group maybe it isn't Oz-zie enough--you knows--maybe I need to somehow draw more readers to get some kind of response. DO I even care, why am I even saying all this?

I want to say here that as of last night I finished the "Harry Potter and the DeathlyHallows" last night at about 10:30 p.m. and loved it. My favorite chapter had to be the "Kings Crossing" Chapter and if any one else has read it would love ot have a conversation with you about that chapter in particular. I will be doing a post here in a few days, but I want others to have the chance to read the book before I talk about that chapter.

I do also want to say here that at times the depression I have been suffering from the last few months, and that I am on medication for, has been overwhelming and it seems that there is noo one to talk to about it--someone that gets it, wants to hear about it, somebody that has been there. Myabe counseling is the answer, or a support group. It is a very real, dark and empty space that I and others like me are in and I know for myself I wish there were a way out. I have dealt with some very serious issues in my life but ths one has been one the hadest ones I have had as it is just so emotional.

Tammy Faye Baker Messner has died

For me the news today of the death of Tammy Faye Baker Messner was one of shock and huge sadness. I had the incredible privilege of meeting this wonderful, beautiful, funny, christian woman at the height of their PTL fame and before the scandal brought about because of Jerry Falwell and his group of followers and staff. It was in a christian college that my church had us as seniors visit when I was in High school and Jim and Tammy Faye were there as well as Andre Crouch, Sandi Patti, Oral Roberts, Billy Graham, Robbie Heiner.

Even before leaving the "Southern Conservative Baptist" upbringing I had I adored Tammy Faye, I think it was all the hair, the clothes and all that make-up. She even then seemed so real to me. Then her being the very first "fundamentalist christian" to support and love people dying with AIDS when they were on PTL.

I vividly remember when I met her she took my hand in hers and with tears in her eyes said to me "Young man I see G-d working and doing great things in your life, there may be trials along the way but my dear boy remember G-d is carrying you in his arms when it is the darkest". With her hands still in mine she sang to me "His Eye is On the Sparrow", hugged me, kissed me and said it was a real privilege meeting me--and this was way before I even "came out" to myself, my family, before I lost 2 partners, before and AIDS Diagnosis before G-d was even really working in my life.

Then scandal and we the gay community loved her, some of us sent her money and concert dates to support her and really honestly loved her when NO ONE else did.

She in turn, went and raised millions of dollars for AIDS and AIDS survivors in Gay bars, at Circuit White Parties, drag shows and at Gay Parades. She talked openly about us and openly loved us even on Larry King. She is and always be one of the communities biggest friends and supporters and I shall miss her terribly--it would have been nice to have met her again and to let her now what a tremendous impact she had on my life but I guess now I will have to wait till I see her at the gates of heaven welcoming me in, before I can really return that hug to her and say "Thank you Tammy Faye, I loved you all along".



This first "Youtube" post is a gay man who so eloquently puts some of my thoughts to words--the ending had me in tears.



This next one is a photo collection of Tammy Faye and yes---kids its her singing--again I was a bundle of raw emotion and so many memories of my few mintues with her came flooding back--I want this version of this song , sung by her played at my funeral someday as well when my time comes. Until then Tammy Faye G-d has welcomed you home as well as thousands of gay men whose lives you made the difference.

charlie