the start of a cold?

Not much work done today
Felt absolutely awful after lunch
Tired fatigued, headachy
More than likely one of my "bad days"

Could be the start of what

Jim has had the last few days
Makes me glad I have

a safe home
A warm bed
A loving dog

a doting husband


Not sure if this is even on Broadway anymore
but the lyrics seemsed to fit my mood
here lately
I am NOT the boy next door
the exception to the rule
the rare find--

the true friend
devoted care giver

the only difference is I want

2 b the Boy Going to Oz

I want 2 B Rescued from

death by Glinda

I want my heart enlarged,

2 the point of bursting

my courage enriched,

where I could face anything

but where nothing

very serious happens

my brains challenged

Why can't they make TV like this anymore??

Monday thoughts

Well it came and gone
I couldn't get in the mood
Now matter how I tried
Thanskgiving Day for me
was uneventful

at best

8 hours of work today
Jim sick with a cold

he called off work

As well as tommorrow
One job almost finished
Yet I feel I haven't accomplished much

Haven't caught up

Can't see the end in sight

There comes a time
When U have 2
Take ur place in the sun
Free 2 B

A chance to create

without the guidelines
I have the chance

the right to choose
2 stand up & fight

Free 2 be what I want

Take my place in the skies
The war will B won

I won't B tired anymore

I won't B weak

LEAD.......

A Pre-thanksgiving visit

Today I went 2 visit U

You were there

in a way but in another

U were not

The ground holds your body

But not your soul or spirit

Almost 5 years have passed

Since I held you in my arms

& heard U call my name

I asked U 2day

How long

before I can hear

your voice

B in your arms

In the grand scheme

U told me not long

Am I missing what I have now?

Am I in the past?

Does 1 recover

from the pain?

The loss?

The grief?

I left with my soul

sobbing.

I have in many regards

so much 2 b thankful 4

but so much to B hurt

over as well---

Somedays it overwhelms

Days before thanksgiving

For me this song

has always been my favorite

since the very 1st time I heard it

It made me question everything

It made me believe

Can you understand me--

when all I have ever wanted

is to fly---soar even

This last week has been trying emotional 4 me

& in many respects I am not anywhere near

being emotionally ready for Thanksgiving.

The house full of people,

all the house work, all the cooking,

& being thankful----

while this last week

has been emotionally some of my lowest--

no real explanations for it--

maybe part of it was my birthday

was no big deal all the way around

& while 4 me--

I am the only person

from my core of friends

that are my age that were

diagnosed all those years ago

2 have lived to see 41--

but yet it doesn't matter--

to anyone--

& should it?

It seems like a struggle

just to stay ahead--

& I am tired of it

Some days I feel broke inside

but I won't admit to anyone
Sometimes I just want to hide

from everyone

'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard

to say goodbye when it comes to this
you looking back

Can I say here honestly--

I hate this time of the year
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes

and see

Happy Birthday 2 me

Happy Birthday 2 me

Where has the 41 years gone

Time seems 2 have slipped by

What have I really accomplished

What do I still want 2 do

Happy Birthday 2 me

16 years living with AIDS

Fatigue that this last week

has left me crippled

While everyone seems

2 have forgotten

I am another year older

Does it really matter?

Happy birthday 2 me

no cake

2 cards, 1 present

is it different than any other day?

Who know what I want

2 B a successful big time

doll designer

nothing more

I don't think I could take it
if I could not accomplish

one simple dream of

making it big

Maybe it time 2 come

in from the rain

maybe I need 2 use my life

the way i want because

i have lost so very much

41 years--

WHY?

As many of you know

the last posts are usually

the very thoughts that

I can not begin 2 put into words--

Doctors visit

Went 2 see the doctor yesterday

Asked about if I could B tested

4 Fibromyalgia

was told no real test 4 it

no real treatment 4 it

and that if I had it

2 learn 2 deal with it

I want a 2nd opinion

Today the fatigue was the worst

It has ever been

almost as bad as when I had

pneumonia last year

the aching is crippling

Maybe I need 2 go

2 the Mayo Clinic

and C a specialist

The doc I saw Wednseday

is running tests in January

for underactive thyroid

and a muscle

disinegrating disease

Why r we waiting

till 2008 though

what a day

Dropped the doll off
for the Akron Children's Hospital Christmas Tree Event
Stuck in traffic for an hour
because of an accident 3 lanes of
traffic closed--people using the burm
People at the event so very busy
trying to finish before the deadline
Set up the other tree here at the house so far three in total
More decorations to go up yet
More doll work--never enough though to gt ahead--
I swear to G-d
No end in sight

I'm ready to make the jump--this time without a net

I am not ever going to look back again

Only one way to go--Upward and forward

Going to claim it and make it my own--for once

Dysfunction and exceptions to the rules behind me FOREVER

No need for others to make my dreams to come true

I can do it on my own--just believe in me is all I ask

Just give me the chance to run through the open door

Its my time, the day has finally come

No longer bound to the ground, no more net

I am going to run my hands through the highest clouds

Going to make it hapen no matter what it takes

No matter the cost, no matter the sacrifice

No more living in the shadows

No more excuses

Can't stand in my way--

I will achieve

Faith is all that is required

No religion needed

No church attendance demanded

Just sheer unadultered faith

That I will fly

to heights only my G-d

can imagine and I want

Sacrifice it all

To a G-d who knows my all

and loves me anyway

Let's Defy Gravity and make our dreams come true

525, 600 minutes

How do you measure a year..... were do you begin to measure those moments and if they really mattered at all? Were all the miles that were marched really necessary? Seasons of love, are the people that you think are there for you, really there--- or is it a sheer illusion? Love solves many things, conquers many hurdles, how does my love measure really in love? Have I really advanced that far?

The last few days I have been really quiet--or so I am told--more so than normal and maybe it has some poeple worried but for me there seems to be no other way right now.

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Have I ever stopped being afraid? Have I said I am sorry enough? Have I worked long enough to get what I really want? Should I let it go and not want it anymore? Something has changed! Do I trust my instincts? I am tired of staying on the ground! I am way past expecting limits, somthing I HAVE to change, no more fears, no more worries, no more doubts. IT IS TIME TO DEFY GRAVITY!!!!!! This is my year, to make it all happen. I AM AS PPOWERFUL AS I THINK I AM!! 525,600 minutes and I want to be unlimited. 525, 600 minutes to fulfill my dreams. Sometimes all you need is yourself to DEFY GRAVITY!!

I hope you all can wish me every happiness as someone says "IT is me--look to the skies, everyone deserves the chance to FLY!

Some new thoughts

Well the weekend was very nice, but tiring as not use trying to keep up with an eight year old. My brother, nephew and I all went and saw "The Bee Movie" which was in all accounts very good for a young crowd as well as those of us who are older. Jokes the kids got and jokes that the adults got but were still funny for the kids as well.

Jim and I set up tree one of the three Christmas trees we usually set up for the holidays--its a 6 foot one that is covered in my 16 years of Hallmark Barbie Ornament collecting. I am one of those people who like to have all the Christmas decorations up and done before Thanksgiving so the holiday season can be rather seamless, I have been like that for years. I am also the type for very good friends of mine call me "Martha" in reference to Martha Stewart--in how I like to entertain, decorate and then there is the whole crafty thing as well. So meeting her last year for me was just and ENORMOUS Good Thing--and shared with her how friends call me "Martha" I can not believe it has been almost a year since meeting her.

This afternoon I spent 2 hours at the nursing home teaching some of the residents how to rubber stamp with stuff I had and then they got to keep the cards they made--it was really a nice change form the every day routine--There was doll work this morning as as is for most mornings. At times I wish I could break free from the repair part of it and just do my own type and style of dolls but I guess it will come in time.

This month as many of you know is my birthday--actually on the sixteenth and I will be 41 and although there is a very big part of me that is very grateful to be alive still the question is why--when so many of my friends living with AIDS never saw their 40th birthday. It makes me wonder what is there to achieve yet--what am I suppose to do yet that I have not done--how much longer have I got? How am I going to spend my time and will I ever make my hearts deepest wishes come true?

You may ask what that wish is--in all honesty for the longest time I thought I wanted to be a big successful doll designer and there is still a huge part of me that does want that--I want the comfortable life--at least financially comfortable part. I would also love the fame part of it and have wanted that aspect of it since I was a small child. I know I have the drive to make it happen--I just need that one chance, to have all my dreams come true. Will I ever get it--I don't know, would I give anything to have it--absolutely, positively no doubt in my mind at all--no questions asked!! I don't think it is all that much to ask in all honesty--others have and can get it, why shouldn't I?

There was a point in my life where I wanted nothing more than to big a huge success in the fashion design arena, and to some degree that would work as well--although today if given the chance I would kill to work for Broadway! Then there was the point were I wanted to be this huge successful Drag Queen/Female Impersonator and possibly work the incompressible Frank Marino at La Cage at the Mirage Hotel and Casino in Vegas--do I still have it--that is a good question--I haven't been in women's shoes in 5 years--I know if I did I could do it and still give anything to make it happen. Just give me a break somewhere!!


THE INCREDIBLE JIM BAILEY------- DIVA

I need to get better

You know I keep saying I am going to get better about this whole blogging thing--and then it stays the same. I feel like that at times there is so much that happens in a day that all of you miss out when I only write about it once a week. What I think I need to do is set time aside in the mornings or evenings and do nothing but this blog--so all of you can keep up with what is going on here--and I feel better about keeping you all informed.

First off--we here as of this morning finally got our killing frost and as of this morning when I went to take the dog for her walk I wore my winter coat for the first time---BBBBRRRRR!! I know it won't be long till snow flies. We also rearranged the furniture in the lving room so we can get ready to se the Christmas tree up--I am one of those people that have to have all the decorations up my Thanksgiving Day and in our house that means 3 trees! One of which is nearly 8 feet tall drenched in over 60 years of ornaments.

I go this Monday to the dentist for the first fitting of my partial--top plate 3 teeth--and I am looking really forward to it as I will be 3 teeth closer to a full set of teeth again. The E-bay sales this last go around seemed to slowa little but I am thinking with Christams less than 70 days away it will pick up soon.

We bit the bullet, as they say, this month and are making up all 3 house payments we were behind on as they were talking forclosing like they did over a year ago--but it also means next to nothing money wise for the whole month--unless I can get some serious doll work done. This in all reality is do-able but how much is the big question. The fatigue has still been really bad, I have even noticed when I go to walk the dog--and it isn't a huge wlk let me tell you--that I have to sit and rest about half way through it.

Last weekend, Jim and I as well as my mother, brother and my 8 year old nephew went to the circus--it was my nephew's first time and he had such a blast. We lucked out as tickets were $15 and we split the cost--which made very do-able. In December we go see Barry Manilow adn those tickets were a steal at $10.00 a piece but you had to drive into Cleveland to get them at that price--Last time we saw him it was the same price and he sang for almost 3 hours.

Yesterday I took my Mom to her Social Security hearing and she got approved for it finally and they are back dating it to 1998--I am so happy for them the insurance fees they have been paying for her to have medical have been awful but now she will be eligible for Medicaid/Medicare and a Social Security check. While in Cleveland yesterday I went and got tickets for "WICKED" and at $29.50 worth every penny--those were the cheapest seats available and I have been saving for months to get those--it is my birthday present to myself even though Wicked doesn't roll into town till February.

This weekend my brother and nephew are out and we are going to see the "Bee Movie" and then go through some things to see what they have for this winter--I would go more into detail what is going on there but at this time I still can't--but lets keep them in our thoughts and prayers. Part of why they are also out is this is my brothers only weekend off this month and we are celebrating my birthday early--as it is the 16th. Well until tommorrow kids.

From a place of insanity

Well what I thought was going to be an easier week turned out to be sheer and utter insanity. It started Monday with a very early phone call that one of best best friends died in his sleep at the age of 46. The part I think that took the longest to get use to was how sudden it had happened, considering Jim and i just saw him like two weeks before. Granted he looked rough and ill but in my opinion when you have been living with AIDS for 22 years you are allowed to look a little worse for the wear.

So Tuesday morning I drove into Cleveland to see his widow and help her write the obit for the paper and try to arrange some of the things that still had to be done. In the process I was also asked to play a key role in his funeral and help put his funeral together.

Now I now I took those Spirituality classes last year and that led the way to becoming a chaplain but this is in all reality the first funeral I have help play a spiritual part in. I have spoke from the heart dozens of times at these types of event but never in a spiritual sense and it has me somewhat nervous to say the least. A mixed crowd of young, old, black, white, gay, straight, professional and the poor-- I may never have such a diverse crowd again.

It took me two full days to finally decide exactly what I was going to say, the order I wanted to say it in and then as well speak from my heart as well as speaking from a spiritual place--while also doing and saying the right thing on behalf of my friend.

I have been re-reading aloud what I am going to say to try to lessen my chances of goofing something up on Monday when I do give the funeral, but it also has not made my nerves any less. I know I will do well, as I have every other time I have spoken in front of large crowds--my largest believe it or not was 5,000 and I was an emotional mess, but got a huge wonderful response, including a standing ovation.

Then also this last week we--Jim and I have been through one of the hardest weeks financially that we have had in a long time. I do not want o go into huge detail what it is and some things are best left completely private but I will say that it had tried both of our nerves to the end and that once it starts it seems as if only it snowballs--and hopefully we caught it before it got completely out of control.

I still feel that emotionally I have pulled a million directions and have tried being the rock--the sane one in all the insanity--but it also can get to the point where does get to be overwhelming and nerve wracking. Again I wish I could go into more detail what it is that I have been the rock for but--my hands are tied until I can fully at liberty say what it is. Just keep me in your prayers.

If it had not been for E-bay and selling some things I personally own to try to get ahead I don't know what we would have done--so in many ways thank G-d for E-bay. I know somehow we will pull through it but at times it does get very discouraging and very trying to say the least. I just pray that somehow the end of this "trial by fire" will be over and that we can emotionally, spiritually and financially get ahead.

Of course with this friend of mine dying this last week, it brought up so many issues, past memories, past hurts and sadness as well as the uncertainty of the future--with my t-cell and viral load tests at the end of the month it seems more prominent than ever---or maybe it just seems that way after the last week I have had.

I do promise to try to get better about this journal/blogging. Until next time.

The last week

Well gang, again sorry it has taken so long to blog but things here are chaotic to say the least again and it seems like if they weren't I wouldn't know what to do at times.

First and probably the least crazy thing is that Jackie (that's my 5 year old Shi Itzu) has been battling fleas really bad the last few days I think it has been because it has cooled of and we have been spending more time outside which we both love, but the poor thing has been fighting fleas because of it--all we need is one good killing frost to end the outside battle and we are struggling to stay ahead of the inside battle.

Second and probably the worst of it was a "customer" I had this last week that picked up a job. "They" after a day of having the job complained that the work was at very best inferior, shoddy and absolutely terrible. The sewing was that of an unskilled third world child laborer and that the sewing as we speak is falling apart and that the clothing items did not and would never fit the doll right. While I had no right repairing dolls in anyway, I should pack it up and call it a day.

Now I know that everybody is entitled to an opinion, but my thing is--why is it that when my work is attacked that in the process everything about my work, myself, my character is ripped to shreds? Why is I am left feeling like I never want to deal with another customer as long as I live? Then also why is it I have gotten some high praise and recommendations from this within the doll making field---It is not everybody that is asked by IDEX to be involved in their charity auction-- and be the ONLY NON-INDUSTRY (corporate professional) person in their auction ever. Hello, that says something in my mind but then again I have lost my mind.

There are times and this week has been one of them where I just want to walk away from it all and never do it again, I have grown tired of all of the "crapola" people can dole out and that mean spirited people seem to feel that they can just come in a do and say anything you want and you have to take no questions asked and of course nothing said back in self defense---I am over it!

Last is this idea of being some one's moral support and their "rock" during a crisis. Not that I am complaining in anyway about my being asked to do this for a very old friend as I love them as family--I guess what I want to say is that I did not expect it would take so much. I am not in a position to talk about details here or what this old friend is going through as of yet--but I do know it has so far been one of the most trying times they have gone through in a while. I feel to a degree blessed that I can be there for them during this time of" trial by fire" and I am prayerfully that I am given what I need so I may in return be there for them.

I do have a small "happy moment" to report--the last E-bay seller I was trying to buy a book from (Wizard of Oz, by L. Frank Baum) was a huge help this week in helping me figure out what kind of Wizard of Oz books are out there--the different levels, ages, prices and that they were wanting to help me get the best books for the best dollars and especially in regards to the books I am missing in the series. Overall he said I had done rather well--right now there were only 2 books he would consider I was "somewhat" jipped on.

He said from what I said is I wanted books between 1910- 1940's, books with color plates, hard covers and little wear--this is about 3/4 of what I have already. A few hard cover books without the color plates but not to worry to much about them overall. So for this E-bay seller who was an extremely nice guy who was also very helpful thank you for making my week.

Sorry for not posting more

This last week has been very chaotic to say the least between the normal everyday stuff--house work, yard work, doll work and adding to it E-bay sales it has been hard getting a moment to breath as it were. But I guess I am no complaining about it I just wish to some degree it would lighten up just a little.

At the very least I would like the "crippling" fatigue to go away. That has been in all honesty the worst of it. My only other complaint right now in all honesty would be my weight. Now many have said I look great from what I did last year weighing a mere 150 but at an even 200 and a 38 waist I feel fatter than ever--yeah even HUGE!! I just hate it, every last second of it! Everybody says I need something to fall back unto if I get sick again and deep down I know that, but there is a very big part of my mind that sees nothing more than this fat person I hate. I have been both extremes in my life obese at 265 and anorexic and in treatment at 124--so I know both ends of it well. It seems at times a good portion of my life has been spent in treatment.

First at 20-22 years old it was detox at Betty Ford for prescription drugs and booze for six months. Than it AIDS at 24 and AZT treatments which made my hair fall out the anorexia at 25-27 and regular therapy from the time I was 20 to 30 and of course I can't forget radiation for a year. At times it seems like I have no courage--or very little left to face what ever may be next. there are also many times when I would just love to start all over again at the beginning knowing what I know now--- in some words just to go home.

If I am truly guilty though of anything a friend of mine Lisa pointed out today I have a heart that is way to giving, caring and accomodating--not that she was complaining about it. It was actually meant as HUGE praise--she just hates to see me hurt. She says I would give my last meal to a complete stranger and that is very true. I say it is good karma. What you put out is what you get back--and I want only the best back. I have seen what evil has done first hand in my life many times over. I have seen wickedness go for a season but when it comes back it is always worse than what you dished out in the first place.

I want people to say when I am dead and gone that I truly cared and gave everything I could to make it better. That I only cared for others and wanted and expected nothing in return. I feel in the depths of my soul that over all the world would be a better place if we all worked that way. Will it ever do that--I don't know--but I do know one person can make a difference and to a very large degree I already have. While doing everything I can with everything I have to continue making a difference till I can't anymore.

Jim's Birthday

Well as I said in yesterday's post today is Jim's birthday. So this morning afer showering and shaving it was off to do errands. First the post office to mail more E-bay stuff I sold--you have to love the idea of making money while sitting at your computer in your jammies! The to the bank to depoist a customer check form a doll pickup yesterday, the the grocery store to get Jim's card and cake and then off to Borders to get Jim's present.

I got Jim Paula Deen's "Just Deserts" cookbook, Paula Deen's 2008 Calender/planner and the september issue of her magazine--jim just loves that "damn Paual Deen" as he says. The recipes are so easy and so delicious or as Paula would say just yummy! so the stuff was waiting for him when he came home on lunch break as well as a kitchen filled with smoke as I had a small grease firs on the stove this afternoon as well--scared me to death and the oil smoke brought tears to my eyes but all in all no damage thank G-d.

This early evening we went Down to Berlin, Ohio only about a half hour from here and wen tto supper at the Der Dutchman--both of which is the heart of Amish Country for those outside of Ohio reading this. The area is the largest Ohio residence of Amish in the entire state--We had such a nice drive the leaves are just beginning to change and we are talking of going sometime next week to try to catch the big leaf color change as well.

I ordered the Oz themed Iron ons from E-bay today to go with the doll for Akron's Children's Hospital so hopefully na day or so they should be here. My brother came up with the idea to embroider them ina Mustard color in reference to the Yellow Brick Road and the mustard color would be easier to see than just plain yellow--I had to agree. I guess until today I didn't realize how hard it can be to find Oz realted stuff outside of the internet !

Well gang until tommorrow--I am calling it an early night--

Charlie

The end of September

Well September has come and gone and summer is over and Fall is just beginning and the area trees are beginning to change, in many ways I so do enjoy this time of yesr if it were not for the fact that snow would be flying in a little over a month, and in some cases Halloween night--there are many childhood memories trick or treating in snow boots and a winter coat before going off to our church "Harvest party" G-d forbid Southern Baptist celebrate anything related to witches and Satan . Looking back on it we all were all so naive. Raised in a cult--is whta is was and in many ways very painful, even to this day.

Well tommorrow is also Jim's birthday so I have to go out and guy a cake and card and pick up his birthday present, which is somewhat of a surprise. He has tommorrow off so it should be a very nice time and day.

Started work on the doll for Akron's Children Hospital Charity Christmas Tree event I am going to call it "Dreams of Oz', an Aston Drake doll redone to look like a sleeping baby dorothy with stuffed lion and then a quilt with Oz stuff on it-- Iam hoping for at the very least copies of original illustrations from L. Frank Baums books on material and then sewn into green blocks will post pictures now that I have a new digital camera. Actually started work on the stuffed lion.

It seems as here lately I can not get enough of Oz, watching the movie almost every other day, reading the books as I win them off E-bay and learning as much as I can about the people behind it. Tonight is was reading up on the munchkins and thinking about an idea of a "Hall of Fame" possible book with bios and information I can glean on all or most of the munchkins.. Tonight it was learning about the "Doll family" who worked with P.T. Barnum.

Have won a fair share of the books and will have to scan some of the illustrations to put in this blog and have loved reading everything so far and to think L. Frank Baum was even bigger than J.K. Rowling in his day and 108 years later still being read. Also have won some original Munchkin autographs as well, it seems to have replaced dolls for the time being.

I think I really know why the obession---I have been looking for that place beyond the rain, beyond the stars---Somewhere Over the Rainbow my entire life. My life hs been like "Was" by Geoff Ryman--especially the character Jonathon who in the book is living with AIDS and goes looking for Oz and ends up dying in my opinion on the Yellow Brick Road. I wept when I read that book and actually need to buy it as when I read it I borrowed it from the library.

For me it was the character of the "insane" Dorothy and Jonathon that touched me most, as I have been both places in my life. In Betty Ford years ago drying out,and then shortly after having my mental break down where I should have been hospitalized and spent 6 years in therapy.

In my case though I think I am alone in to my Journey to Oz, and if I am lucky like Jonathon in my time I will die on the Yellow Brick Road. I have been in a very odd place the last few days---dark, lonely and in need of a very close friend I can be honest with and feel no regrets, no shame, no guilt and no fear. Will I get it I don't think I can--there are parts of me I right now do not want to walk into like a room never visited. Can I be that open, that honest, that frank and not scare or terrify those closet to me? I don't know. In some cases I may have already hurt them enough--and that topic I am leaving well alone.

I think for me the part that has been the hardest is trying to get the courage to "kill my own personal Wicked Witch" or in other words my own demons/dementers. For me they have been very real as if standing in the very room with me, voices and sounds from a very real hell, a thought that this last week has had me terrified beyond words--that in the end "that goes around comes around" as Pastor Dan mentioned into today sermon--and for me it would seem that is hell--my own worst torment and suffering.

Our choir director has asked me to try to make our rehearsals but how does one go about saying--I can't feel a song in my heart anymore--G-d has abandoned me---how can I inspire hope, when feeling so hopeless?

Thoughts for today

Well the last couple of days have just been overwhelming again, seems like nothing new here lately but in all honesty it does grow a little old fast. We went to steam clean the kitchen rug, as it desperately needed it, did about a fourth of the rug before the damn cleaner was not sucking up the water--UUGGHHH--now finally HOURS later it has dried but it also means buying a new steam cleaner, thank G-d they are now under $75.00 versus what they were when I bought the one that is now broke and was over $200.

The weather has cooled considerably and the leaves have began to change, the neighbors have started putting up Halloween decorations already and we have had our first 2 frosts already but considering we are a little more southern than Cleveland it hasn't killed anything as of yet.

The doll work has kept me very busy and I am so far behind it isn't funny, but at least it is steady and at least I have work promised into November already--it could be worse--with no work at all.

More from the "Come Be My Light" this is from an article in Time magazine--but I HAVE TO BUY this book!!

"(Jesus): Wilt thou refuse to do this for me?...You have become my Spouse for my love---The thirst you had for souls brought you so far--Are you afraid to take one more step for your Spouse--for me--for souls? Is your generosity grown cold? Am I second to you?

(Teresa) Jesus, my own Jesus--I am only Thine--I am so stupid--I do not know what to say but do with me whatever You wish--as You wish--as long as You wish. (But) why can't I..... be like everyone else.

(Jesus): I want... who would be my fire of love amongst the poor, the sick, the dying little children... You are I know the most incapable person--weak and sinful but just because you are that---I want to use You for My glory. Wilt thou refuse?

I guess the question is how or when do you know if you have "been called to a greater purpose" and the even greater question is can Jews be "called"? After all don't we all have the same G-d, and only our faith in the Messiah changes our "over all thinking". In the mean time the darkness encroaches, the silence becomes deeper and the pain more intense.

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Just an update

Well the last couple of days have been busy here with the standard doll work, house work, yard work and here lately listing E-bay auctions of naked Barbie dolls for people to use for OOAK. The turn around has been decent but the money has unfortunately all gone towards bills. I know many of you can realte to that and at times it does seem very overwhelming.

I just finished reading "The Road to Oz" by L. Frank Baum and was a very good read if your into fantasy and all things Oz--which of course I am. I have just started reading "Glinda of Oz" also by Baum and the illustrations alone are incredible. Jim was a sweetie and got me 2 more of the Oz books, will have to recheck the titles when they come in as right off the top of my head I can;t remember the titles.

On that note the short term memory thing for me here lately has been somewhat of a struggle, and if I don;t write it down it seems to fade from my mind rather fast. The fatigue as well here lately has been to some degree crippling which is a big downer. Then you add to this the always stiff muscles especially legs which are always sore. I am beginning to wonder if I should be checked for Fibermyalgia as well, it has to be smoething more than just "AIDS" battle scars as I call them here lately.

I wanted to share something I just read a few day ago that Mother Teresa wrote and is featured in a new book "Mother Teresa: Come Be My Light" and goes with the train of thought Christina Hall shared with me a few weeks back about the "Darkness of Night"--Christina, I hope you are reading this-----

Lord, my G-d who am I that you

should forsake me?

The Child of your Love--and now become the most hated one

The one--You have thrown away

as unwanted--unloved.

I call, I cling, I want-- and there is no One to answer--

No One on Whom I can cling--no, No One.---Alone...

Where is my Faith--even deep down right in there is nothing,

But emptiness & darkness--My G-d--how painful is this unknown pain--

I have no Faith--I dare not utter the words and thoughts that crowd

In my heart--and make me suffer agony.

So many unanswered questions live within me afraid to uncover them--

Because of the blasphemy--If there be G-d --please forgive me--

When I try to raise my thoughts to Heaven--there is such

Convicting emptiness that those very thoughts

Return like sharp knives and hurt my very soul.

I am told G-d loves me--and yet the reality of darkness and

Coldness and emptiness is so great that nothing touches my soul.

Did I make a mistake in surrending blindly.......

I think she beautifully touches on something that I have felt for a long time and if this incredible woman of such incredible religious strength can say such things and believe such things about herself and her G-d, then who am I to cast myself off and judge myself so harshly in feeling the exact same way many times and quite honestly the bulk of my lfe--that G-d has been utterly absent. Will it change or shall I live out my days feeling the way I do---Sometimes the darkness is so overwhelming.

Charlie

Yom Kippur

I know its been a few days since posting, but things here have been busier than usual for some reason. With rush jobs for customers, the usual house and yard work--I am not so sure it will ever end.

Since last writing in the blog my brother and I had a wonderful day antique shopping last weekend and he bought a beautiful Minerva tin head doll while I found "Through the Looking Glass" by Lewis Carrol for a mere $1.00 and then I also found this great magazine photo of Judy Garland with a rainbow in the background frro 1964 and that was a mere $4.00 and that was the big wad I blew at the show .

That same weekend (actually Sunday) I had my first outdoor showing of my paintings, and actual first show, at the Clinton Applefest--Clinton is this small township right next to our "city" but with the beautiful weather we had at the event, the event had about 650 people or so and I SOLD a painting---my very first!!! I was beside myself, needless to say the money went to pay bills but still it was a rush. The woman that bought it planned on hanging it in her li ving room and the piece she bought was my first abstract.

Will be offline a few days here as having our computer cleaned and a new drive installed for the card reader for the new digital camera Jim bought a little over 2 weeks ago, but it will be able to do much better pictures for E-Bay and for the blog as well.

In the mean time I want to take the time and wish all of you a very happy and sacred Yom Kippur (as it begins tonight at sunset) and also take the time personally and say that if for any reason at any time I have hurt, offended or upset anyone in anyway I want to apologize and try to make ammends for it as is the custom for Yom Kippur.

Until next time,

Charlie



Ok, now for a inside view to my head as i have said my Youtube posts are all about--here we go--this the mood, this is the music--I know you all know the words so sing along with me and join me dancing in the background to the Legendary DIVA!!!!

I remember exactly where I was..........

I am sure I am no the only American that remembers exactly where and what I was doing when I first heard of the plane hitting the first of both Twin Towers in New York City, what is hard to imagine is that day is now six years later. A war that in the beginning everyone was behind, a war now that I am not sure has made so much difference. We had a President that everyone believed in at the time and now no one believes--a promise for a safer world, but is it.

What I know for certain is we lost so many lives not only on that day six years ago--- but the amount of life we have lost in service men and woman in the war that has followed. A tribute to lives lost at the Pentagon, that is being built at the cost of the families of the victims--A VALID fact pointed out today by Oprah Winfrey herself. We should be appalled, the President in disgrace that not only do these families loose someone they love dearly but that we make them pay again to remember them---SHAMEFUL! We have learned very little it seems, and where has our hearts and feeling gone. We as Americans are some of the biggest hearted caring people on the planet but when we turn over our dollars--where does it all go? Misused, as we have learned for the trillions of dollars we gave after 9/11, misused and misdirected after Katrina-----SHAMEFUL! And do we take the time to reflect on those events, and those lives, I really wonder.


On a different train of thought with the High Holidays just a few short days away, I wanted to let you in on that Jim and I baked a Sweet Honey cake, the traditional kind made by Jews every where. This wouldn't be such a big deal but it is our first time doing this together as a couple and my first time making this style of cake since I lost my beloved Micheal nearly 20 years from AIDS.

I shared with Jim that for the brief period I was with my Micheal that he would make this cake for the High Holidays and very special occasions like my birthday or even his. In all honesty I hadn't even eaten that style of cake till last year when a Jewish lady in our "Chaplain" classes asked what kind of cake I wanted on my birthday as the class landed on my actual Birthday. I gave it a lot of thought and said Sweet Honey Cake, and when she did it brought back some very wonderful and yes even some painful memories--but isn't that what makes all human in the first place, the wonderful and the painful and last night while it was baking and filling the kitchen with that wonderful aroma I was again reminded how wonderfully blessed I am.

Charlie