Thought of the day: Faith

Can someone have faith without having religion?  I believe the answer to that simple questionis yes although many people realte teh two things together.   Faith and religious faith are two very seperate things and they both can survive without ever the two meeting.  But can faith exist without hope? 

Thought for the day: Fear

Fear:

The unknown, the hidden away, the right in front of your very eyes you can't ignore it, the reoccurring situation.  How does one handle what we perceive to be the truth when we are living in fear?  Afraid of what are actions may cause?  Afraid of what life would be like once we have burned all of our bridges?  Fear of what others will think if we actually speak what is on our minds once and for.

When is enough, enough?  When is their no turning back?  When do we step away from the past and into an unknown future?  How do we find the inner strength, as a friend of mine would say "balls to the wall
 and live fearlessly.

Does nobody talk about?  Does it scare our friends when we do?  Are we seen as afraid?  What is the shame in that?  Isn't fear normal, to some kind of degree?

Or is it a lack of self confidence?  A lack of self worth?  A missing self value?  What would it take to find all of those things and if so how does one find it if they are living in fear? Is it even possible? Is the past, and where we have been enough of an experience to gain a foothold and come roaring out of fear?  Or are we to remain forever shackled to the prison walls of fear?  When can we expect to conquer the vaporous being and once and for all live in the light?

Thought of the day---- Elie Wiesel" "Night"

I just began reading tonight Elie Wiesel's "Night" and I want to take the time to blog my thoughts here on passages that I find moving, relate-able and just down right terrifying.  I am not sure where this journey talking about this book is going to take us as I am four pages into it and already wanting to talk to an audience that I know will listen, based on the number of readers I have.

" Convinced that this period in history would be judged one day, I knew that I must bear witness.  I also knew that, while I had many things to say, I did not have the words to say them.  Painfully aware of my limitations, I watched helplessly as language became an obstacle.  It became clear that it would be necessary to invent a new language.  But how was one to rehabilitate and transform words betrayed and perverted by the enemy?.... Deep down, the witness knew then, as he does now, that his testimony would not be received .  After all it deals with an event that sprang from the darkest zone of man.  Only those who experienced Auschwitz know what it was.  Others will never know. BUT, wile they understand?

Why this book, why now?  In all honesty it goes back to a question I was asked a little over a month ago by a new friend over lunch.  Why or how do you feel you survived so long?  Meaning of course the upcoming 20 years with AIDS.  I was blown away no one had ever asked me that before, ever.  With that and being asked this week by a new therapist I started to see short term at school.  She asked if I was angry, sad, mad or any other emotional word because I had survived so long?  Again something I had never been asked before.

I am still not exactly sure of either answer, I just know that like Elie Wiesel I feel I HAVE to tell my story of AIDS, I have to tell the overall story of my life---the good , the bad, the ugly, the painful, the beautiful, the lovely, the romantic.  I am not saying it is anywhere near the story or the horrors Mr. Wiesel experienced during World War II and the Holocaust, but in my own life AIDS has been my generations Viral Holocaust and you know something it seems as if NO ONE IS TALKING!  No one is speaking, no one is being the new Paul Monette's or Randy Shilts'.  Why is this?  Is apathy so rampant?  Are we that burnout of thirty years of living with it?  Are there that too few long-term survivors left wanting to speak?  Would anyone listen?  Does AIDS matter to those not living with it?  What will the next thirty years bring? Could there even be survivors then that could recall those early years?  Why isn't seem like anyone is saving our history?Am I the only one who cares?

Some new thoughts

Well the weekend was very nice, but tiring as not use trying to keep up with an eight year old. My brother, nephew and I all went and saw "The Bee Movie" which was in all accounts very good for a young crowd as well as those of us who are older. Jokes the kids got and jokes that the adults got but were still funny for the kids as well.

Jim and I set up tree one of the three Christmas trees we usually set up for the holidays--its a 6 foot one that is covered in my 16 years of Hallmark Barbie Ornament collecting. I am one of those people who like to have all the Christmas decorations up and done before Thanksgiving so the holiday season can be rather seamless, I have been like that for years. I am also the type for very good friends of mine call me "Martha" in reference to Martha Stewart--in how I like to entertain, decorate and then there is the whole crafty thing as well. So meeting her last year for me was just and ENORMOUS Good Thing--and shared with her how friends call me "Martha" I can not believe it has been almost a year since meeting her.

This afternoon I spent 2 hours at the nursing home teaching some of the residents how to rubber stamp with stuff I had and then they got to keep the cards they made--it was really a nice change form the every day routine--There was doll work this morning as as is for most mornings. At times I wish I could break free from the repair part of it and just do my own type and style of dolls but I guess it will come in time.

This month as many of you know is my birthday--actually on the sixteenth and I will be 41 and although there is a very big part of me that is very grateful to be alive still the question is why--when so many of my friends living with AIDS never saw their 40th birthday. It makes me wonder what is there to achieve yet--what am I suppose to do yet that I have not done--how much longer have I got? How am I going to spend my time and will I ever make my hearts deepest wishes come true?

You may ask what that wish is--in all honesty for the longest time I thought I wanted to be a big successful doll designer and there is still a huge part of me that does want that--I want the comfortable life--at least financially comfortable part. I would also love the fame part of it and have wanted that aspect of it since I was a small child. I know I have the drive to make it happen--I just need that one chance, to have all my dreams come true. Will I ever get it--I don't know, would I give anything to have it--absolutely, positively no doubt in my mind at all--no questions asked!! I don't think it is all that much to ask in all honesty--others have and can get it, why shouldn't I?

There was a point in my life where I wanted nothing more than to big a huge success in the fashion design arena, and to some degree that would work as well--although today if given the chance I would kill to work for Broadway! Then there was the point were I wanted to be this huge successful Drag Queen/Female Impersonator and possibly work the incompressible Frank Marino at La Cage at the Mirage Hotel and Casino in Vegas--do I still have it--that is a good question--I haven't been in women's shoes in 5 years--I know if I did I could do it and still give anything to make it happen. Just give me a break somewhere!!


THE INCREDIBLE JIM BAILEY------- DIVA