Do I need to say anything else.....................

More stuff

I want to mention one of the most amazing things that happened in Valapariso at the Wizard of Oz Festival and that involves Judy Garland costumes from movies. Michael Siewart who owns the dresses and runs a website http://www.judygarland.net/ anyhow Michael was absollutely the biggest doll on the planet that has ever lived, as he took me behind the velvet ropes and let me handle Judy's costumes that he had on display. I sat most of the time crying at first, especially the very first touch and once we got talking about how these garments were made I think I taught Michael a thing or too about Haute Couture Construction and about the artistry that goes into making those dresses masterpieces besides memorabilia.

You have to love Techno every now and then and I adore this--anyone know how to copy this and put it ona CD so I could listen to it inthe car?



He was just full of knowledge about Judy, and so much fun and silliness that it made my first Oz Festival one of the very best experiences of my life. Who would have thought that this simple "gay boy" who was 2 1/2 years old when Judy died and who has lived the last 17 years with AIDS would ever be graced by being in the sheer presence of his biggest idol ever. Michael, if by chance you are reading this I can not beign to thank you enough from the depths of my heart for doing what you did for me, you may never know how very much it meant to me and will mean to me forever--I'll always love you for it!

Well Wednesday the neighbors finally had their tree removed from their home and it took about 9 guys five hours to do all the work. I took a lot of digital pictures that I have to send them yet.

Thursday night I have to say I fainted/fell again, right before going to bed, didn't hurt myself some minor bruising but nothing thankfully serious. I also have to say I fainted/fell today in the backyard. Of course the side without the bruing but again I guess I lucked out as no real damge to me, scared the dogs though when down I went.

The hand tremors seem to be lasting longer and I am trying my damnest to adjust but I have to admit it has been very emotionally trying for me. The tremors and loss of feeling seems worse in my right hand, and with me being right handed it is taking longer to do some things till the tremors and loss of feeling goes away. For the most part it is my pinkie finger, ring finger and middle finger on my right hand that are the worst which makes holding things at times very difficult. I am going to speak with my doctor next week about getting a second opinion or seeing a specialist.

I want to share so people know whatis going on and not necessarily complain about, I am trying to adjust as my HIV Specialist recommended but as I have said before and will continue saying it has been very hard emotionally for me to do so. I hope you will join me in praying about this matter and remember my friends I pray for all of you often.

We're back home

This top photo is from the "Hat Contest" and although yours truly didn't place I had a ball. Personally I think I should have gotten points for the SHOES . Speaking of which I am glad we didn't leave the night before. For those that read this blog, that did not go to Valapariso it RAINED darn near the entire time we where there and there was massive flooding killing a boy in Chesterton, about 9 miles from where we were.

Homes evacatued, the turnpike closed both ways there for awhile and traveling we are told was nightmarish. All in all we had a fantastic time at the "Wizard of Oz Festival" and will most definetely be doing it again. Our trip home was good and no real problems.

However we here had a huge strom with toms of wind and the neighbor right across the street from our home lost a tree that FELL on their home, if it had fallen the other way guess were it would had BEEN!!!! So we are not only fortunate but we are thankful. The neighbors with the tree on their home has a 15 ton crane scheduled sometime tomorrow to come remove the tree. I will be on my porch if all goes well watchig "the boys" remove the tree, nothing like a handsome guy working and me watching .

I am also happy to say that this trip for me was very life changing in so many ways and I would like to share that with all of you...my faithful readers....... I am going to have to say that there is primarily two people who I meet at the "Wizard Of Oz Festival" who changed my life the first would be Danny Windsor--who was one of the nine guys who were the flying monkeys in the scene when they take Toto and rip apart the Scarecrow.

Danny is 83 years old and put on a 45 minute drag show at the gala that in my opinion brought the house down and when talking and meeting with Danny one on one I was told he still works a 40 hour week at Meyers as a Greeter in Michigan--talk about tireless.

The second and probably the most life changing meeting was Caren Marsh-Doll, who was Judy Garland's stand in for Oz and is almost 90 years. I was very fortunate to be sitting directly behind Caren at the "Yellow Brick Road Shop" gala party they had when I won my blanket--one of only 30 made--and I was stunned and crying because at that point I didn't even have enough money to buy one. I off handedly said "I never win anything" and Caren said, Charlie your luck has changed. Well we had a few conversations this weekend of and on one of which I will be shgaring later but Caren gave me so much hope--she still dances at 90 and teaches at 90. So Mrs. Doll if you are reading this--THANK you so you sweetly---for doing it so neatly.... I am now one of your biggest fans.


For those of you who read this blog to see my latest work the following photo is of a painting that was raffled to help Donna Stewart-HArdway, who was one of the child munchkins who is going home with hospice and her husband to die. Donna has been very ill and the raffle was to help the family in anyway we could help defray costs during this very difficult time. I hope you all join me in praying Donna ad Nelson at this time. The balck and white painting is the one I did of Judy Garland during her "Presenting Lily Mars" movie time frame, which according to John Fricke is Liza Minneli's favorite photos of her mother. The Dorothy painting is by a brand new friend of mine named Tracy Hanson.

I start my 2nd level chaplain class tomorrow so keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I am at this time having some minor problems with my left foot but I guess Ruby slippers do that to you everytime


I thought this was wonderful--its Hebrew Rap to "The Wizard Of Oz"......

trying to cope

OK, I am going to be the first to admit that I simply have not posted as I hate to be one that is always complaining. I have spent the last few days--since the last post actually----trying to find that place where I am one with what is going on, and I simply can't.

For me what makes it so difficult is that repair wise I have gotten very precious little done and the work keeps coming in. There are two jobs I am already one month behind on and several that are due this month that are not even started. I did work yesterday for a brief period of time in my sewing room and got to feeling rather lousy and got up to leave the room and fell again. At least it wasn't down stairs or something just as stupid.

I came down stairs after getting my bearings straightened out after falling and rested--which I have done like the doctor suggested, but we will get back to that in a bit. Sat and watched some television and worked on my "winter project" a counted cross stitch of the "Wizard Of Oz" its the shot of the shoes, the yellow brick road that you see on some DVD covers.

Anyway, Jim came home for like and it was nice, he left to go back to work after his half hour, I went and laid down for my nap--which has become a regular staple since the doctors visit and slept for 5 solid hours. The house could have fell on my head I would have slept through it I swear .

Got up, went to the rest room and went to go lay back down and before getting to the bed, FELL AGAIN---this time in the kitchen. Went and laid down for about another half hour and than slowly and tenderly took the dogs out to go to the bathroom.

Speaking of my dogs--Jackie and Glinda-- they have been a G-d send, so supportive and loving and " I want to be with you, because I know your feeling bad". Both sleeping right beside me the entire time. Its hard for to explain what they and I have been through but having them here makes the world of difference.

So, I would like to have you pray that I am not like this when we leave on Wednesday for our vacation to Chesterton and the Wizard of Oz Festival, and that I am not falling or sleeping through the whole thing.

I am also going to talk with my doctor about the possibility of getting a referral to either the Mayo Clinic or The Cleveland Clinic to be seen by someone to figure out if there is more here than meets the eye. I am not sure if there is or isn't but I do know that right now, for the time being it does have the better of me. Saying alone has not been easy to admit and trying to "live with it" has been even harder.

I have believe it or not tried doing as Eckardt Tolle suggested in those online "New Earth " classes that---this is not who I am it is just what is going on on that this moment--- well as I am sure you can imagine that has been easy either but I continue to try.

I will try to post before we leave on Wednesday and until next time thank you for reading......

The excitement builds.......

Well as many of you that read this blog we are finally taking a vaction, the first one since National Barbie Doll Convention in Chicago. I will say it is well needed. As many of you know we are going to Chesterton IN. for the Wizard Of Oz Festival and in all honesty I have never looked so forward to anything like this in a long time. As of today we are nine days away--for all of you who like more information here is there web link http://www.wizardofozfestival.org/ and it has all of the information you could possibly ever want.

We are literally signed up and pre-paid for darn near every paid event there is, and have volunteered about an hour of our time to one of the booths.

With that said though is some concern on my part the last few days if I am going to be able to keep up with the schedule of things as I have been sleeping in the middle of the day for about 5 hours, which would seriously cut into my "Oz time" if you will. I look at it this way, might as well sleeep now in hopes I won't need as much when we get there.

I did start three new vitamins to my regular routine and no real huge changes yet, but I figure it takes time. The doll work has been slow with my sleeping so much but there isn't much I can do about it, it has gotten alittle better as far as it coming in for me to work on it. Today I took in the largest Effanbee "Bubbles" that was made and it has its original clothing which is to cool.

I did want to some time talking about ".....enjoying Oz now...." as my friend Christina put it, I have for the longest time have realted Oz to the place of eternal rest, a place one wants to go to before they die, so they can live forever a life they knew. The following are some of my points that are mentioned in books that make me believe Oz is as heaven........



1). No one ever grows old in Oz, unless he/or she wish to. This also applies to how old you are as you get to pick how old you are. This idea alone is worth going

2). No one ever gets sick or dies in Oz or can be destroyed.

3). One can return to "Kansas" if one wishes, but my questionis why would you?

4). I have come to the conclusion for me at the least that everyone I ever knew and loved is already there in Oz, just waiting for me.

5). And lastly, the existance is Oz is always an unadventure that turns out fine in the end and like the books and the people who wirte about Oz, the story never ends.

For those in or close to the Ohio area I have exciting news the incredible Jim Bailey is coming to the Canton Palace on January 31, 2009. Those unaware of Jim Bailey he is mostly known for his uncanny visiual and vocal impersaonations of Judy Garland. Liza has said in the past "It is like being in the room with Mama". The following below is a "Youtube" clip of Jim in action and yes kids that is HIS voice. Well until next time, keep me in your prayers as all of you are in mine.

A wake up call from a dear friend..................

The following is from a very dear friend I have said here before I consider "my adoptive mom" who has been going through some tremendous health issues as well and yet finds the time to write me--it left me in tears.

Between this letter that follows and a conversation with a neighbor who sufferes from Celiacs Disease, who feels if I changed my diet, started exercsing and added extreme vitamin intake to my regimne of things I take it would change everything for me for the better.

So this morning I went and bought Centrum Silver, the neighbor gave me some mega dose vitamnis and recommended where to get more when I run out. She alos suggested a Glutten Free Diet. That latter one I want to investigate more before I overhaul my whole diet.

Dear Charlie:

I read your blog a few minutes ago and I was really shocked. Not so much at the degree to which you are suffering from the fatigue and all, but the attitude of the doctor. It seems as if she is telling you to give up and die.

I know you have a lot of problems and I know first hand how the daily fatigue and pain can make you wish you were "at peace" finally, but believe me there is more help out there........

Maybe between the Mayo clinic and a new drug you could get some of your stamina back? That and see a good neurologist for the neuropathy. They might have more answers too because they are a teaching hospital so they know the latest on all the therapies going on.

Charlie, I have days when I wonder why I'm fighting the tide so hard too. I wonder "is this all there is?" The answer is NO. This is not all there is, and life IS worth fighting for! Yes, some days I want to give up but there is a little light inside that is God speaking, telling me I have more to do, more to offer. You have these classes you worked so hard to get. If God wants you there he will see you through this.

He did not say it would be easy, but that He would be with us each step of the way! Remember that. I can't believe that this is all there is to your life and it's your time yet. You didn't outlive all those 600 and reach 40 just to say you did it. He has a plan and He, not the doctor will decide when it is time.

As for me, I'm going down swinging! I've told Larry and Jill when I go to write in my obituary that, "I went kicking and screaming!" "That I did not go peacefully into that dark night" like most obits read. "She went peacefully to be with our Lord" is NOT going to be my legacy. I'm fighting for everyday that He will allow me to have here...........

I do hope I'm not over stepping my limits here I just know with all my health issues it is hard and I can honestly say I do understand. I know what you are feeling but I do think a lot of it is fatigue, depression and pain talking. If you could get some help for those you might just get through this crisis......

You love the OZ things. Judy found her answer within herself. Look into yourself. Are you really ready to let go and go home permanently? Or do you want to play in OZ with Jim a bit longer? Home (Heaven) will always be there but OZ (this life) is as fleeting as Dorothy's dream. Forty is too damn young to die!

Here is a link to Mayo Clinic's site on the peripheral neuropathy

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/peripheral-neuropathy/DS00131 .

It might give you a bit of hope that maybe they can help. You would be shocked at what they can do there! I've sent a young woman with an inoperable brain tumor there and she has passed her one year anniversary and is still doing well.

With that said my friends, it really got me thinking about everything that has happened since meeting with my HIV Specialist and this whole neruopathy thing. The whole neighbor thing and her being so mad at my doctors and starting vitamins. It made me realize there still is so much left for me to do yet, so much more to enjoy and since this post is running rather long I am going to save my opinions on Oz till later. Thank you everyone of you that take the time and read the blog and fro being there through this all.

Well this time its another twist of music set to Oz pictures-----Freddie Mercury and Queen singing "You're My Best Freind"-----Thanks for everything Christins

Today's thoughts & over 2,000 hits

You know I have had so many people ask me if I have watched any of the Democratic/Republican conventions and for me the answer is a solid NO. I have made up my mind already, I did see every single debate but I am at the point I am over it all and am looking forward to November when this is all behind us as a distant memory.

I did however find this to funny Youtube video with Oz and John McCain and here it is.....



I waited to post about my visit with my general practioner as I needed time to really think things through before I talked about it. Of course if you read this blog on a regular basis you will know how hard it has been the last couple of months physically speaking for me and with latest news with the Extreme Peripheral Neuropathy and that it being in my brain to a degree has been very hard to bear. When you add to the mix that it will not be getting any better and if I over extended my self it only makes it worse even faster.

Well I mentioned all this to my General practioner and about the crippling fatigue and she looked at me-----"Why are you fighting so hard? What haven't you resolved yet" and I just lost it. I haven't cried like that in a long time and I still don't have an answer to her questions.

She felt if there were things I needed to resolve and to do so, to be at peace and if then that lead to "my ending"--as she put it--- ok. If not than at the very least I will be a peace being so sick here all the time. Which lead me to honestly say for the first time that if I was so sick like I was from November through Easter, I didn't know if I had the "fight" left to pull through it or not.

If I were like that now or worse it would be easier to understand why I feel the way I do. She proceded to say "Who is stay say you are not worse than you were than, its just a different kind of feeling and you have fought so long and so hard already, that maybe it is time for you to seriously rest. I am not saying to take matters in your on hands and end your life, I am saying if it is time andG-d needs you than you need to accept it".

I really am beginning to understand the last few days why Ron felt the way he died those last six months he was so bad, why he gave up when he lost his drive and why it went so suddenly. I have never been able to see it and I think I am beginning to. As I told Dr. Dianne I am just so tired of being so tired all the time and that it has complete reign of my life, which seems like it is slipping away.

A brief departure from Judy

Ok I saw this morning in one of the blogs I read--a gay artist actully and he had this song in his blog and I thought it was just the coolest thing I had ever heard in my life. Who knew our gal Cyndi Lauper could kick it like this. Every know and then "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"
so for all of you in the same mood I am today kick back, sake your grove thing and get down with Cyndi and Me.

LATER

Some good news as well as some sad

I got a mesage today from Akron General Hospital and we have ENOUGH people for the Spirituality Care and Comfort class to happen. SO for all of you who helped me pray. THANK YOU!!!! I can't wait! Eleven weeks of classes ending November 19th and one step closer---- YIPPEE. Last time it was life changing.

The sad news is a very dear friend of mine lost her husband of 66 years Wednesady and I just got word today. Calling hours are Monday and funeral on Tuesday. So today I ask that you join me in asking G-d to surround my friend Jeanne in his arms of comfort at this time. Her husabn Len ahad been very ill this last 4 months and while Jeanne was expecting the worse it always comes as a shock.

Today's clip is Della Reese singing "Walk With You" and the gang from Oz, giving it a whole new perspective.

The start of something different

Well as many of you may have read yesterday, I have had some rather un-nerving news and I am trying my best to adjust to it. Here lately that means turning into myself, becoming very quiet and just being. Deep in thought, no radio, television or anything on--just being in the moment.

This morning Jim made the decision to quit his part time home visiting nurses job, it wasn't quit working out the way he had planned and now with the news I got he felt his place was in helping me to try to stay ahead of the doll repairs we currently have in house. As of today I am about a month and a half behind and we made the decision today as well, if something new comes in that the turn around time for me to finish it is much longer. This is until we can really plan things out and see what we realistically can do.

The dogs went to the groomers today and with their bow-bow's in their hair they are just to flipping cute, especially Glinda (the littlest one) who knows she is just to damn cute.

I have been kicking around some new ideas in my head of things I could do in this "down time" and one of them is to write a book. Not sure the exact angle yet, and this isn't something entirely new but it is something I have given some thought too.

Not to much really new on the home front, so until tomorrow I ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers as you are always in mine. Today's post is because I have done a "Youtube" search involving the "Wizard of Oz" and trying to find some fun and different things involving this classic and of course my favorite subject !



A Wizard of Oz Music Video To "Dancing Through Life" from the musical "Wicked". For you hardcore Wicked fans you can rest assured that you wont see Elphaba get meltified

Not just another dizzy bitch

Well gang I went to the doctor today (my HIV Specialist actually) and talking about my newest medications I have been on since July. My biggest complaints being the extreme crippling exhaustion and the soreness and loss of feeling in my hands and fingers. Then add into this the dizziness, the 2 times I have passed out again, the tremors, the hour it takes for me to be "normal" functioning after waking up and all the other fun stuff.

So he had me do some in office tests and came to the conclusion that it is Extreme peripheral neuropathy that has caused it all. Mixed in with the Chronic Leg Syndrome and the Fibromyalgia it is not good to say the least. No real treatment, no real cure and if I over tax myself or push myself it gets worse even faster. So it is one of those learn to deal with it diseases which we all hate--lucky flipping me. At least I know its more than just being a dizzy bitch

In my case the dizziness is caused by the Neuropathy as well and we have to keep an eye on it and make sure it doesn't get worse as in some people it means lesions in the brain. So after seeing me today and not doing so well with the tests I am on extended leave to rest till I am better and then and only then I am to be on a very low work level. I am to cut everything work wise severely down--next to nothing in his frankest opinion.

So not sure exactly what will h appen as far as the business goes and as many of you know it helps pay our bills, helps supply gas and food and my spending money. It could mean a huge financial loss if I out right retire. To a degree I knew I couldn't go on forever but also I wasn't expecting it this soon.

I am also waiting to hear from Akron Hospital if they have enough people signed up for their 2nd level Spiritual Care class that is part of the introduction classes to becoming a chaplain. I ask that you join me in praying that we get enough people to sign up. It is 11 weeks long and ends around my birthday in November.

If you haven't noticed as of yet the sidebar has changed with my favorite links and for the most part they are all Oz related--some of the sights are very COOL, so I hope you take the time to check them out.

Also if anyone is reading this and lives in Vermont, visiting Vermont or has family in Vermont--the Ben and Jerry's Icecream people are doing a Yellow Brickle Road I thin its called in conjunction with an Elton John Concert in Vermont and only available in Vermont. You all can eat the ice cream I just would love the EMPTY container!!!!!

So in closing I ask that you pray that I am quiet enough within myself to hear G-d's voice in what to really do with the news I got today and that somehow G-d knows the greater plan for me as well.

Another day

Well, I finally went saw a very good friend of mine to have a long talk about how I have been feeling and thinking lately and I honestly think it helped some just to be able to get it all off my chest--so to speak.

The fatigue for the last few days has been unbearable again, and it seems like all I want to do id either sleep or read, and you all know how much I love to read. Especially my newest subjects to read about Judy Garland and Oz. Thank G-d for Amazon.com is all I have to say and the huge savings I can get there. For example I am getting "Under the Rainbow: An Intimate Memoir of Judy Garland, Rock Hudson and My Life in Old Hollywood" by John Carlyle. At Borders books this is $21.00 I got it this morning for $5.13 and that includes shipping, who needs a drive to the bookstore when all you have to do is go to your computer chair !

The fatigue for me the last few days has taken a new twist that when I am just waking up I am very drowsy/dopey/dizzy and incoherent for almost half an hour--it makes things interesting to say the least. The doll work has suffered some more because of all the looming fatigue but when one needs sleep--I sleep.

I go to my HIV doctor on Wednesday my three month check up and since being on my new medications I am sure he is going to want to do a new blood test, to see how everything is working. So keep me in your thoughts that day. Anybody else looking really forward to the new season of "Pushing Daisies"

Have you ever felt like this??

Well I have---- "full to the brim of the whole damn world.....I don't care if the are fasting! I can't be spread so thin---I belong to myself". Some days it just gets to be too much, the prescription pills to fight AIDS, the side effects, the fatigue the burn out. Maybe this clip is why so many of us as gay men relate to Judy.

A four hour nap this afternoon as the fatigue was way to much to bear, the numbness in my hands has been very steady and as I told Lisa ( a friend I consider my sister) that I am suffering from burn out in many ways. The only good thing is Jim today got dinner tickets to Carousel to see "The Wizard Of Oz". I have started on my goodies for the goodie bags at Chesterton and I thnk they are just to damn cute.

Anyway as always keep me in your prayers.......

Another fall and stuff

I got this wonderful comment in my blog that I wanted to share with all of you. It is from a very dear friend that I consider my other mom--she has been a real blessing in so many ways and she herself faces odds that make me at the least hopeful that I too can overcome somehow----

Charlie:

I'm going through the same thing. I think it's the heat, the medical problems that never seem to end and the knowing that fall and winter are on our heels.I have just been resting a lot, and watching TV shows I like, not putting any more stress on myself and I suggest you do the same. I have been here before, I know you have too. The good thing about having been in this valley before is knowing that you will climb out again, somehow. Leave in the hands of the Almighty. I think He's telling you it's time to let your body heal.

Hugs & Love, Christina

Now for a little comment--it has been so hard admitting that I am at this place again. A place where yesterday I fell again in the kitchen and it had me so distraught I wasn't sure what else I felt. I am not sure of many of you reading this know that feeling or not but it is so overwhelming that it just seems to envelope everything you do, think or are. It is also hard because what days I have been able to work I have really manged to save so we can get away and now we are 34 days away from that happening.

I guess I'm just so afraid that "the beast"--that this illness can be--will come out and be in full force by the time we go and I have worked so hard just to be able to go. I believe though that somehow I will go, because if I don't, I do not want to even think about how I am going to take it.

It just gets so old so quickly being so sick that it just seems to consume everything you have, everything you think you are, every emotion you feel. There are many days when there seems to be no real end in sight and the "looming cloud of despair" that lives over your head like the raincloud that loomed over the Addams Family home.

I don't want to close on a down note so I will share my one bright spot this week---my winning 3 concert programs from Judy Garland concerts on E-bay. In some some way it is like being near her, or at least to something that was once in the same room she was.

I know it seems odd that that is my high point this week and I know its more than likely a cliche that a gay guy collects Judy Garland and Oz memorablia but right now it brings happiness into my life and reading about it takes my mind off of things as well.

In a real funk

Well I have to admit I haven't "blogged" since July 20th simply because I have been in one hell of a funk if you will. I didn't do any work of any sort for almost 2 weeks and did nothing but work on a quilt, I started when I was so sick in December through April, and read.

Its like somehow, somewhere I have lost who I am, or at the very least who I thought I was. There has not much interest in anything except the Wizard of Oz--eBay, the Oz groups I belong, Oz/Judy websites and listening to Judy Garland records. It seems like I have lost all interest in doll making, collecting and repairing for the time being and the only real joy comes when my littlest Shi Itzu Glinda --all of 10 pounds--is being a spitfire and making me giggle.

I would have to say it seems like more than just depression, but with the diarrhea gone and fatigue somewhat more manageable I know in my head I shouldn't be complaining about anything. The tremors I have been having I think are because of the meds and are somewhat more stable but the last two days I have had some serious problems not feeling my fingers and hands especially my right hand which of course I am. I ask as always that you keep me in your prayers and that I find myself somehow.

Mama Mia and other stuff

Well my brother took me this weekend to see "Mama Mia" the movie and well kids I just adored every flipping Abba minute of it. If you have seen the movie, my brother says I am the Christine Baranski character "Tanya", she gets her 6 inch stiletto heel stuck between the boards in the dock, wears some absolutely stunning outfits, has this hysterical bed scene where she can not get her boots off, another hung over in bed scene that is just to rich and then this fabulous beach scene with near naked humpy boys who she is making goo-goo eyes at----doesn't sound a thing like me . It was pure fun, a lot of laughs and boy can our girl Meryl SING!!!!! Makes me want to see the stage version that is coming to Cleveland Playhouse next month!

It was such a relief after this very long week of darn near 100 degrees for days here in Ohio and kids if you are in Ohio in 100 degrees you know it ain't any fun! With that and 4 days worth of diarrhea because of these new medications I have been a proverbial mess. Things are somewhat returning to normal I hope to G-d or I am sticking my head in the oven !

Jim's cataract surgery went very well and he goes this Wednesday to have the other one done. It went much easier than I thought--thank heavens. Well till next time

Chapter 7 of "A New Earth"

Well I sort of kept everyone hanging about "A New Earth" by Eckart Tolle and the last three chapters, so I wanted to take the time and let you in on some of what I had learned while reading this book and taking the online class with Oprah Winfrey, which is now in summer sessions--so you can still watch the webcasts.

Chapter 7

Eckart had suggeted in the clas of making a list of "Who I am not" which basically means the things you are not like selfish, self absorbed and so on then also a list of the things what I am not--could be something as simple as---- I am not artistic. As well as making a list of the things you are--loving, caring, supportive and so so, for all the catorgies list as many as possible. This one really opened my eyes.

"Knowing yourself deeply has nothing to do with whatever ideas are floating around in your mind. Knowing yourself is to be rooted in Being, instead of lost in your mind". page 186

Being sacred is being in the now. You are the observer of everything going on aroud you, you literally the witnessing presence.

"I am never upset for the reason I think" Being upset about the situation does nothing. What is more important is "What can I do".

Suffering happens because you refuse to accept the now-----

I am going to stop with this one as I want to talk a little about this from my perspective and especially the last few days I have been through. I feel that what Eckart is trying to say that by living in the past, with all of those wonderfully rich memories and instances may for a while be an OK thing but in the long run it causes pain because the situations we are dwelling on are gone, never to be repeated. In those moments we had something magical---the now but by remaining in the past we can not see the now either.

While if all we are focused on is the future than we maybe sadly disappointed that in some cases the future never arrives--the I will quit........... tomorrow, I start............. tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes. Or we plan for this really incredible experience and then the experience is not what we expected it to be.

Suffering has it real pain, that can destoy a person from the inside out. I am not just talking just physical suffering here I am also taking about a spiritual suffering and emotional suffering as well. A suffering that is profound and so deep that it rips the very core of who are out of is, leaving us with absolutely nothing for anyone including ourselves. A darkness that engulfs everything we do, everyone we meet, everywhere we go.

I think there are so many people that are exactly in this position for one reason or another just seeking a divine answer if you will. Something that will make them stop long enough to realize where they are and why. I think for me right now this book has done that--it has made me stop and realize I was, and to a degree still, in the abyss of suffering.

I invite you to share your toughts about suffering with me and maybe even with those that do read this blog, maybe somewhere along the way we all learn something to help us cope.

Chapter 7 of "A New Earth"

Summer Break--- A simpler time

You know that last week of school, when we were children and we literally counted down the minutes till summer break? Remember how the time seemed to drag on and we thought the last day would never come, ever? Than it was those hot hazy days of picnics, going to the beach, amusement parks, getting a tan, the county fair and it was all sadly over. The days of summer break had somehow flown by with out our knowing it.

Well today July 16, 2008 is a mix of both of those days. I woke up this morning, that yes indeed, I had made the hurdle and at 7:45 a.m. I have officially 17 years living with AIDS. The time has flown by like those childhood summer breaks we used to have, except there has been just brief moments---- of the beach, the circus-- those moments of sheer happiness are what makes that time stand out clear as they were yesterday. Those are the moments I cherish with my every being, that I cling to like a child does to his teddy bear, maybe that's why I collect them.



Then there are also those moments of anger, sorrow, despair, unbelievable pain and sadness. The kind that comes lurking int he middle of the night like the "boogie man" that lived our under beds and we knew was going to cause us nightmares unless our parents chased him away. The problem is the "boogie man" under the bed is a real thing, something that in moments of fear has made our nightmares true.

Somehow, somewhere G-d in his/her wisdom knew for some reason I was built to survive this for the long haul, while literally everyone I knew ---that was in my small world of gay friends-- was dying or already dead. Literally pages of names, dates and obituary notices. But yet somehow I have had the strength and courage to continue on, in a holocaust of the heart and soul.



Places that have become etched in my mind like eternal memorials if you will, as real as the Vietnam War Memorial or even Lincoln's Memorial. A building or store front on the street that reminds me of a person who has been gone for years. The wonderful silly time we had, those heart rendering moments of truth and in some instances facing the horrific--their demise. In many instances I can still see their faces and her their voices in the dark recesses of the night.

The problem though with this picture is the other half of this picture when the "summer break" is over and we all go back to school. In other words when we see in the headlines "A Cure Found: Millions Rejoice" and we have the life we had before we ever heard the words HIV/AIDS.

I am not saying I want a time when we were foolish and did what ever we want, with whom ever we want, where ever we want. I am talking about a time that we felt more secure, more safe, more trusting in a future we knew would be there for us. A time we could retire and enjoy "the good life" whatever that meant to each of us.



When our friends would gather around and say "You remember when....." and the room would fill with roars of laughter at our silliness and childish behaviour. When we no longer had to attend a funeral for man in his thirties who was ripped to shreds by a disease that we could not cure or even at the time manage while his family was ripped apart at the seams half loving him, half hating him because of his life style.

It has been on my mind so much lately, the sheer magnitude of what this disease has caused in the lives of the people it reaches into. The sheer force of what this disease is, it no regards of race, religion, color, creed, wealth or religion, it just marches on and takes its course in many different ways in many different people. Some of which are in my shoes, some of which the story is even much worse--that is who my heart goes out to the most.

All By Myself................................

Some days I don't need words to say what is the deepst things in my hearts of hearts.....