Thought of the day...Love

From "Losing Julia" by Jonathan Hull.......

"Why does the longing for love have to be so acute, like desperate thirst?  Is it because love is wanting to be saved and we can never really be saved?  Maybe love is born of our fears.  Love is the heart's desire for a pain-killer; a tearful plea for a great big epidural.  Yes that's it: love is the only anesthesia that actually works.  And as people with broken hearts are really those who are just coming to, and if you've ever seen someone out of general anesthesia you know that it looks like the beginning of a broken heart.


But to find it and touch it and hold it!  What a relief, if only briefly, until the love wears off or slips through our hands.  Strange how love--that most fickle of emotions--creates the illusion of permanence right from the start, just as beauty, so fleeting and elusive, can seem timeless and infinite to behold.


If love doesn't triumph, it ought to.  For love is the one thing that feels more powerful than even death; the only respite from lives wretched absurdity.  The magic of love is not that it contains all the answers, that it eliminates the need for so many pressing questions."

So, have you ever deeply loved, as this passage suggest love is and can be?  Can love even conquer death?  As Cher asks "Do you believe in life after love"?  Is this kind of love out there for everyone?

Eat, Pray, Love Response and a very long night

I want to start this blog with my personal promised response to the movie "Eat, Pray, Love'.  I  walked away from this incredible movie with this very simple realization, that one my biggest life obstacles is that I have not been able to forgive myself.  You may ask, forgive yourself of what?  This may some crazy to some of you but there is a very short list of things that I feel I need to forgive myself  of.

1.  I need to forgive myself that I made some major wrong decisions that led to my becoming HIV positive.  I know by saying that, that I have opened the very inner workings of my soul to all of you my readers.  That this admission leaves me very vulenerable.  I was after Michael died, and I was 22, in a very physically, emotionally, physically and sexually abusive relationship taht lasted ten months.  At one point I was locked and barricaded into a broom closet for four dayswith nothing.  That kind of abuse leaves you believeing the lies you are told about yourself.  For me it also left me needing to prove to myself I was not only attractive but also needed, and loved even if it was just for that brief moment of being in another's arms.  It left me thelowest I have ever been.

2.  This one I feel is much bigger than the previous one and that is forgiving myself that I have simply have survived when nearly all of my HIV positive friends have not.  Death in itself is something none of us can escape, everyone sooner or later does it.  Death also though takes something from those of us who suffer the loss of someone near to us.  Multiply that feeling  by hundreds and you can begin to understand how devasted and empty it leaves you.  You can begin to see how survivors guilt begins.  I am not saying I want to die, I am saying that for me it has been difficult understanding why I haven't and than trying to figure out the purpose I need to accomplish.

This is my response to "Eat, Pray, Love" that I need to forgive themost important person in my life, me!  By forgiving myself I can fully be my authentic self.

Last night was a very long night as I spent it at Mercy Hospital Emergency Room with another round of Kidney stones in the nearly 20 year sof living with AIDS I have had kidney stones now19 times.  all medication related and somehow I have passed them all.   Wearrivedat 10:30 p.m. last night and finally got home at 6 a.m. What a night!  A brand new medication for the pain and a contact to see a new doctor and I say this because I hoping you all will join me in praying tha I pass it before the end of the month when school starts.  Well until next time, I am so glad we had this time together.

News for the day

Well last night was date night for us and we had dinner at Anthe's in Manchester, and kids if you have never been the food is out of this world terrific your tongue will do cartwheels.  After dinner I treated Jim to "Eat, Pray, Love" at the movies of course.  Neither Jim nor I have read the book but after the movie it is now at the top of my must read list.  What a great movie, what an inspiring story and the visuals are just stunning.  A MUST SEE movie in my opinion.

This afternoon Jim and I went to Little Italy (Cleveland West side) for the Feast of the Assumption.  We had this incredible dinner I had the clams and linguini, my big gluten sin for the month.  And piggie me at every last drop it .  There was the horrid almost monsoon rain for about a half hour which we got utterly drench in and now I am sneezing my head off.  Other than that a really great time.

I want to take some time tomorrow and blog about what I walked away feeling about "Eat, Pray, Love".  So until next time I am so glad we had this time together.