News of the day

Well today was my last final, it is now just a wait and see how I did over all grade wise.  Right after my final in College Writing II I wen to the Emergency Room because I felt like I had pneumonia.  Thankfully after six hours at Mercy Medical I found out it is just severe bronchitis.  So three new medications and some rest i should be back on my feet.  Will post more tomorrow, because the morphine I got at the hospital has me tired out.  Until next time I am glad we had this time together

A long day

It has been a rough day.  First thing this morning I had a CAT scan at Mercy Medical Center to see if I have passed my kidney stone or has it moved.  According to the registration my second CAT scan in three months.  Discouraging isn't it?  The drink they had me drink for the test was just horrid, I would have rather chewed on a sock I wore for a week which I think would have tasted better.  The contrast they shot in me gave me a mild headache and it just seemed to set the mood for the rest of the day.  By the time I got home from College Writing II the diarrhea set in and has continued all night.

Of course by mid afternoon I had to lay down and had as I call it a crash day.  The lack of sleep, the work overload, the stress and not feeling well took it toll.  That toll today has been huge.  I did get some homework done but not nearly what I wanted to do. G-d what am I to do about it?  I do know one thing for sure, no surgery to remove this stone until after this semester is over.  I just couldn't handle that too this semester, there is no doubt in my mind about it. I know I am not going to back done from that decision, for me there is way to much at stake.

I went and got the paperwork today to become part of the Honor's Program at Kent State University which I am really excited about.  It seems like a program where I could really excel as well as something I want to do for myself.  It maybe more work but in my mind it is going to be worth it.

I got my "big brother" for Phi Sigma Pi Sunday night and hopefully we will really get to know one another.  I didn't get the position of President or Vice President for our class and while I am a tiny bit disappointed it makes me feel more like an outsider more than anything.  I need to learn not to take things so personally.

I guess I just want so much out of this whole over all experience.  I have never wanted anything so bad in my life.  My expectations to be very honest are VERY high.  If they aren't met how do I handle that, I have no real idea. Knowing my history if it I fall short I will be depressed and feel rather inadequate.  I guess I just do my best and live with it.

Tomorrow's post vintage photographs of female impesonators.  Well until next time I am so glad we had this time together.

Eat, Pray, Love Response and a very long night

I want to start this blog with my personal promised response to the movie "Eat, Pray, Love'.  I  walked away from this incredible movie with this very simple realization, that one my biggest life obstacles is that I have not been able to forgive myself.  You may ask, forgive yourself of what?  This may some crazy to some of you but there is a very short list of things that I feel I need to forgive myself  of.

1.  I need to forgive myself that I made some major wrong decisions that led to my becoming HIV positive.  I know by saying that, that I have opened the very inner workings of my soul to all of you my readers.  That this admission leaves me very vulenerable.  I was after Michael died, and I was 22, in a very physically, emotionally, physically and sexually abusive relationship taht lasted ten months.  At one point I was locked and barricaded into a broom closet for four dayswith nothing.  That kind of abuse leaves you believeing the lies you are told about yourself.  For me it also left me needing to prove to myself I was not only attractive but also needed, and loved even if it was just for that brief moment of being in another's arms.  It left me thelowest I have ever been.

2.  This one I feel is much bigger than the previous one and that is forgiving myself that I have simply have survived when nearly all of my HIV positive friends have not.  Death in itself is something none of us can escape, everyone sooner or later does it.  Death also though takes something from those of us who suffer the loss of someone near to us.  Multiply that feeling  by hundreds and you can begin to understand how devasted and empty it leaves you.  You can begin to see how survivors guilt begins.  I am not saying I want to die, I am saying that for me it has been difficult understanding why I haven't and than trying to figure out the purpose I need to accomplish.

This is my response to "Eat, Pray, Love" that I need to forgive themost important person in my life, me!  By forgiving myself I can fully be my authentic self.

Last night was a very long night as I spent it at Mercy Hospital Emergency Room with another round of Kidney stones in the nearly 20 year sof living with AIDS I have had kidney stones now19 times.  all medication related and somehow I have passed them all.   Wearrivedat 10:30 p.m. last night and finally got home at 6 a.m. What a night!  A brand new medication for the pain and a contact to see a new doctor and I say this because I hoping you all will join me in praying tha I pass it before the end of the month when school starts.  Well until next time, I am so glad we had this time together.