Another doctors visit

The photos in today's blog are from an E-bay auction that was brought to my attention from an online group I belong to called Viki's Finds and her Top E-bay picks. This doll is a full body sculpt done in an oven bake polymer clay with Mohair wig. What I find fascinating is that not that many people for some reason sculpt dolls of men and this one is so incredibly well done, I just had to share hi with all of you. His "Tarzan" outfit is made of leather and does reveal a little bit of "tushie" so if you are of faint heart skip that photo that is enclosed in this blog as well. Hopefully this artist does more of this kind of thing soon and for the life of me I wish I could remember her name but you know they say the first thing to go is your mind !
Well I saw yesterday the urologist and I am scheduled Friday for actual surgery, apparently they do not want to waste anytime fooling around. I found out the stones are 7 and 8 millimeters in size and when most people pass them they are no more than a 4 in size. The other thing in regard to them is that they are positioned in such away that the "water blasting" that at times is done, is not possible so its actual surgery. They go up in you with a scope, crush them and then pull them out. While in you they are going to temporarily leave a plastic stint as the thingy the pee goes through usually collapses when they remove stones of this size.

The plastic stint is left in long enough for this thingy to heal itself around it and keep the shape its suppose to and then its another procedure to have it removed. Honestly, I am a little scared but I also know it could have been much worse, and because it is not I am thankful and grateful. Not sure about the time yet on Friday as the doctors office has not called back but it is done at the hospital as an outpatient. I swear they do not keep anybody for anything anymore--oh well, what is a boy to do.

One other thing I found out is that he is 90% sure they are caused by the medications I am on and that I am not drinking nearly enough water and because of that the medications as they "dissolve" turn into this gooey glop of gunk that then turns into crystals that have calcium in them and they then in turn into stones. So I have to drink more water to help prevent this from happening again. The thing is out of all the times I have had these this is the first doctor that has said this. At least now I know, and can do something about it.


The dresses for the doll for the church raffle are almost done, have to buy baby socks and shoes yet and finish the bear to go with it but should have that done by the deadline. I am also working on patterns for a secret collaboration with an other artist. It is three glamorous dresses, one of which is going to be made from antique material, but don't want to say more than that as I want the other artist to reveal it all when it is all done, so keep posted.

Hope all of you are well and know that you are in my thoughts.


Charlie

I know you guys more than likely know the words to this as well as I do, so join me and sing along and for wondering minds yes this "queen" is dancing in the corner to it !!!

It is just another day

Well gang, it is just another day here and to tell you the truth I am begginning to feel that the blogging thing doesn't matter, that very few of you are reading what is being written, that in the grand scheme of things I may not even matter for that matter. Does my heart ache--yes, does my sould hurt--yes, does it feel like I can not get ahead or at least afloat--yes, does it seem like I can not serve G-d in the way that I should or have been called to do--Absolutely!!

Yes gang I am still on depression medication--but this is more than that. I just do not feel useful, I don't feel like G-d is even listening to my prayers. It is like he has turned a deaf ear to me somehow. It is like this higher purpose is beyond reacha nd always will be. That some how it is my fault for not being righteous or holy enough, yes even good enough to serve, let alone get what I want and need aout of this.

First it was this class being called off, then its volunteering for things or positions and not being needed or asked to serve or yes even overlooked. It is how I feel, it may not be the way it is but if there is one thing I have learned in mym time it is to speak in "I" statements. So here go some of my "I" statements...................

1. I feel that G-d has led me down this very special path to somehow serve Him and that by serving him my life will be filled with joy and peace.


2. I feel that part of this path is in reaching out to those in need in some kind of stewardship maybe even becoming a chaplain, but that for some reason things have not worked out that way as of yet and that i nthe process I feel used!


3. I feel that my talents to a large degree are being wasted and that there is something larger in store for me as well in this area and for what ever reasons that has not worked out either and in the process I feel rejected!


4. I feel to some degree that a part of this is my fault because of my own mismanagement and that if I could buckle down and apply myself I could get it all done. I also feel no else is going to make this happen but for me!


5. I feel I need to confront some issues and people in and around mylife. BUt I also feel I do not know how without hurting them, harming our friendships or causing a rift between us. But I also feel to a large degree it can be ignored no longer.

Well I guess till next time--and till I can get it all sorted out--I cherish those friendships and relationships that I have and that are in "the inner circle" of my life, I am thankful for those that take the time and read my blog and watch the "Youtube" posts as well as many times it is a real non-verbal look into my head and my life--

Charlie

Oy Vey what a day

Well kids, as many of you know I am not one to really complain, but yesterday was just the day from complain-ville. It all started with the heat-- which was darn near 100 yesterday. Well I was upstairs working on doll repairs with the windows open, the fans going and my shirt off, as the house does not have central air in it. Any way I got to feeling nauseous and light headed, so I laid down on the floor in my doll room to get my whits about me.

Got up and went downstairs as Jim had lunch ready, laid down in the bedroom to cool off as it is the only room with an in window air conditioner. Got rather cool and than the pain started, really severe pain in my left side and could barely move, then the pain became excruciating, tried to get into the kitchen to get my lunch as was also starved and next thing I know I was on the floor doubled over in agony.

I had Jim call the paramedics, who took all my vitals, started some oxygen and an IV and ran me into the emergency room about 1/2 hour away. By this time I was very light headed and very dizzy and still in agony. Got into the emergency room and my room and they took my vitals again and some blood work and sent me off to have a CT scan to find out what the heck was going on as we still had no clue whatsoever.

Well to make this long story short--KIDNEY STONES, again kids--this is now 17 times in 16 years I have had these. There are two of them sizes 7-8 millimeters, which also means kids--SURGERY!! More than likely the water kind and no actual incisions or anything but Oy the pain. I called Friday (today) and have an appointment to see a urologist on Monday who will do the procedure and will keep you posted on what happens from there. In the past the stones have been caused by my HIV/AIDS medications and we have ended up changing them, hopefully this time that is not the case. I really don't want on a new combination and to go through six weeks of side effects before I get use to them.

On other news, the Spirituality Class at the hospital has been CANCELLED!! As they did not have enough people to sign up for it, which is a real shame as I was really wanting to do this and answer the call that I feel G-d has lead me to. I still have a chance at the year long class that starts in in May 2008. I want to thank all of you that joined me in praying that somehow this class would happen, apparently, Our G-d knows that now is not the time and has a divine plan and purpose laid out.

Please join me though in praying that the surgery goes well and that I can do the water blasting versus actual incision surgery.

Charlie

Update from the last week

The photos are of a one of a kind doll that was recently on E-bay and I just fell in love with, for the life of me I can't remember the name of the piece or the artist--I think it was called the "Death of a Fairy" but that could be way off. I felt it was so moving and strring that I had to share it here. Not only was it dolly related but it was really lated to the realm of Spirituality. And maybe that is what I need to try to do within this site is mix the two and then maybe people will be reading more and maybe even responding more--you knows?

Well gang, I know it has been a while again since I posted but things here have been busy as usual. You know normal life stuff--house work, shopping, yard care, laundry and then of course dolly work. Stuff for customers as always and then the last week or so working on a doll for our church raffle in October. The town our church is in has an Applefest in October and our church does a raffle and this year one of the prizes is this doll.

It is going to be this Linda Rick doll with 3-4 dresses I am making, a handmade teddy bear, a blankie, a pillow and an antique baby bassinet. The one dress has been so far a fair amount of work to it as I am embroidering kitties on it. Its one of those iron on transfers that some people use in childrens quilts. The kitties are doing sutff like ironing, cooking, wheeling baby litties ina buggy. In all 6 iron on transfers. It should be awfully adorable when it is done.

Today is the last art class till mid September and then I have to find out for sure about the timing for my Spirituality Class at Akron General I spoke back some time ago and then adjust my art classes around that. I have been working ona portrait in that clas of Jim's mother when she was 16 which was in the early 1920's and if finished in time will b e one of his Christmas presents. Somewhat of a secret so lets keep that between us. Right now still praying and witing to see if enough people have signed up for the class to go forward. Lets all hope there are enough for the class to happen, and lets all continue to pray.

As some of you may know the last few days here have been raining quiet a bit and there is some minor flooding in our town. Nothing serious as the main river and then the Ohio Erie Canal run through some unhoused areas in town. So the worst of the damage is that the downtown park is under about foot or more of water and much deeper in spots. Usually in the last five years that I have lived here we only get minor canal/river flooding in the spring when the snow melts.

The "shoe complaint lady" did show up and I made Jim deal with her and after all the headache, heart ache and complainign she did with me on the phone, she was as nice as sin can be and just "an utter joy" to work with--JIm's words not mine. I could have literally screamed! Oh well there just is no pleasing some people and apparently she is one of them.

We, being Jim and I, took my parents out for supper as it was my Dad's birthday--he turned 68 by the way-- and we had such a nice time and such a great meal in one of those Amish run and owned restraunts in Amish country by my parents, which is a little different then the Amish country by Jim and I.

Well gang its off to work, hope all of you are doing well and that you are finding the strength to get through lifes daily stuff, and the finding the hope to help you conquer even those little "mini battles" as I call them. Until then my friends may G-d shine his face on you and surround you in his love.

Charlie--you all remember this right? And how to do it right? If so join me

Some INCREDIBLE news

I want to start and say thank G-d it has finally cooled off here some, because of the rain storms that ran through her last week. The humidity hasn't nearly been as terrible as it was nor has the actual temperature itself, we haven't had to run the air conditioner in the bedroom the last few days where there for a while we hardly shut it off. Matter of fact very late last night/very eraly this morning I had to pull the light weight balnket on the bed as I was chilly.

The pepper plants so have far have only produced two peppers but the cucumbers are going beserk and even though they are samll they are so good. The tomatoes how ever have been pathetic--tiny, green and not very many of them like last year maybe we haven't had enough rain for them to do any better.

Well I passed my TB test that I had to have for the upcoming Spirituality/Chaplain course I am taking at Akron General Hospital which begins in September. Join me in prayer that we get at least teo more people to sign up as they need at least three to hold it and right now I am the only one regisitered. This is part two of the class and includes some psychitary--maybe I could set a booth like Lucy from the "Peanuts" comics and give out advice for an iuckel !

The doll work has kept me very busy, and the painting right now I take one full day off of doll work and do nothing but paint. I also have a doll I am doing for our church raffle for the Norton Apple Festival, have one I promised Akron Childrens Hospital for their big Christmas fundraising event and of course my Dream Halloween piece. When do I find the time to sleep you ask--I don't know !

Unto the INCREDIBLE news, I went to my HIV Specialist (who I went back to after almost a year and a half of seeing someone closer to home)last week and got some news that knocked me out of my chair......

1st- When I went back to him I weighed a mere 155 which for me was horrific--I looked like a death camp survivor honestly ( a 29 waist when normal for me is 33-35). I know weigh an even 200!

2nd- No new signs of Kaposi Sarcoma or KS as its called--which is what I was dealing with at the Orlando National BArbie doll convetion. While the lesions i had then are now COMPLETELY GONE!!

3rd-- The biggest was my t-cells and viral load. Kepp in mind a normal t-cell range is around 1,800 so the higher the numbers the better and viral load is the amount of activity the HIV/AIDS virus has in your body so the lower those numbers the better. When I went back to my t-cells were 11 and a viral load of 35,000. My first tests after changing meds were 55 t-cells and an undectible viral load, this time around t-cells were 158 and viral load still undectible.

Now this is the highest my t-cells have been in eight years and if they go above 200 it wil be the first time in 15 years. When I heard the news I about fell out of my chair but thrilled, so apparently my meds are working and the love of a partner and my dog can't hurt any thing either.

Well gang, guess I will close for today here and hopefuly can put in an entry here tommorrow--See you then. So until then join me and lets boggie to some Bee Gee's

Charlie

Update from last week

Well gang, you know if you have been in here, in a regular basis I missed all of last week and part of this one as well--bad blog author bad!! But between the heat making me, and most of us, absoultely miserable and some days down right sick and between the back log of work that I have been trying to get done it has been beyond hectic.

If your wondering why the heat has taken its toll here it has been upper 90s to 100s for days now and the freaking humidty has been the worst of it, there were a few days were I could ring out the sweat of a shirt I was wearing, it was that bad. The part that makes this even worse is the house doesn't have central air and the only room with an in window air conditioner is the bedroom, so we have been hanging out there an awful lot. More Jim than tnan me the last couple days as the heat has been making him very naseaus to say the least of it.

The other part of this equation is that the heat has also, like may f you, drained everything out of me and have ended up taking naps mid-afternoon because of the sheer exhaustion. Enough heat talk, good news I got my very first bell pepper out of my garden yesterday, my first tomatoe as well day before yesterday and trimmed back some of the growing lavender and debating between cookies, tea or making soap with it. Decisions, decisions, decisions.

I have a question here for my readers who do doll owrk or work that others pay you for your service. I had a lady last week, who I had a susipion would be a pain in the butt just from the very first meeting, and especially from the day she picked the repair up. Well she called me day before Monday and proceeded to call me everything in the book except a white boy. Said me work was inferior at best, amateurish, the skills of a 5 year old and that after paying for it my fees were absoulutely positively too high. It involved a pair of leather shoes I made and I won't get into everything she said but I said I would look at them to settle this once and for all and to bring them over. Well this woman is like 5 flipping minutes by car from my house and said "well, I can't make it all today but when I do have the time I will call you in advance.

Ok I know we all have lives here but this person is 5 minutes away, just reamed me a new--you know what and now insults me by not taking care of the same day she called! What I guess I want to know is how should I handle this and or how would you handle this. I mean many of you know me, know my work and know I have been in this a very long time, treat every job I do as if I owned the doll myself and many of you now that to some degree I am a respected, honorable, trustworthy artist. This people really hurt me to the core and left me never wanting to work on dolls repair wise ever again.

Today is my check up with my HIV Specialist and i get my last t-cell count and viral load report as well as my check up, hoping everything oges well and i promise to let you all in on the results tommorrow in a post.

The Dash

I read of a man who stood to speak

at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone

from the beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth

and spoke the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all

was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth

and now only those who loved her

know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,

the cars... the house... the cash.

What matters is how we live and love

and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard,

are there things you'd like to change?

For you never know how much time is left

that can still be arranged.

If we could just slow down enough

to consider what's true and real

and always try to understand

the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger

and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives

like we have never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect

and more often wear a smile...

remembering that this special dash

might only just a last a while.

So when your eulogy is being read

with your life's actions to rehash,

would you be proud of the things they say

About how you spent your dash?

A day off from dolly work

Well, I have finally done it and with no real huge side effects I might add--what is that you ask freind?? I day off and doing no dolly work! It doesn't happen often but when it does its like a breath of fresh air. Like re-energizing your batteries if you will, because as we all know it gets a little overwhelming at times.

So how did I spend my day you may ask--well kids, I painted for damn near the whole day. Yep drug out the brushes and the cavases, turned on the stero with disco music in the CD player--cranked it as loud as it would go and just lost myself in s series of paint. What a wonderful day I have had, no pressure to finish them, no deadlines, timelines, no phone, no television, no one bothering me as Jim was at work and just painted for the sake of painting.

I am working on a Vistorian/turn of the century woman piece for my dentist and his wife who have given me FREE all my dental work and their home is deocrated in that kind of style so it should fit beautifully. I also worked some ona breand new Anna Nicole piece I started a while back that should be just a knock out and had the idea today that I am also going to paint a portrait of Tammy Faye Baker Messner, not exactly sure why but thought it would be fun and campy.

Speaking of Tammy Faye the first "Youtube" vid inthat blog entry about her dying is fixed so please take a look at when you have the time. I have CDs of music by her ordered at the library and they should be coming in any day now, she had in my opinon a great voice.

I sent off my check for my space for my first outdoor art showing in September at the "Clinton Apple Fest" its a very small town near us but 1,200 people in 5 hours will hopefully see my stuff-- I am a little nervous but very excited. If I am really lucky maybe I can sell something as well. Lets all pray I do!!
I have to start the drawings for the mural I was hired to do--not sure if I mentioned this yet or not but its a huge on for a freind of mine and her indoor swimming pool room. Three huge arched panels that take up the whole wall and she wants a Floridian lanscape painted on it, so I started gathering ideas for it. Should be a lot of fun and something different as well.

Well gang hope you all have a nice and fun filled weekend.

Charlie

You all sing along as Donna provides the words and the "bouncing ball"

My week and Harry Potter stuff

Well this week has been mostly all work and very little down/me time and frankly it has grown really old really fast. I have to be able to find a balance somehow and I am not sure how to exactly do it. I know I am not alone in this boat over all work no play or all overtime but at times it gets very lonely and yes friends depressing.

CanI be honest here and some something I have wanted to say for a long long time here ---I would do almost anything to be able to be a big time succesful dollmaker--selling dolls all over, ads in big time magazines, a name people recognized, a person people longed to meet, dolls people HAD to have and not have to worry about a lot of the things so many of us worry about. How will we pay all the bills, how will we ever get ahead--the average joe kind of thing and not have to struggle so hard all the time, which grows old as well.

You just work so long and so hard you begin at times to wander will it ever pay off, will it ever get me what I so desperatley want, does it even matter--are people even reading my words here and do they relate, do they give a damn. 40 posts/entries, 277 hits and barely any responses, what are people who read this think?? What would it take to get more people to read, to respond, to maybe even share their thoughts and experiences--am I putting to much personal information out and people do not know how to deal with it, respond to it and am I stepping in a terriority all to familiar to too many??

Maybe for the people in my doll groups it isn't enough about dolls or what I am doing doll wise, in my Wizard of Oz group maybe it isn't Oz-zie enough--you knows--maybe I need to somehow draw more readers to get some kind of response. DO I even care, why am I even saying all this?

I want to say here that as of last night I finished the "Harry Potter and the DeathlyHallows" last night at about 10:30 p.m. and loved it. My favorite chapter had to be the "Kings Crossing" Chapter and if any one else has read it would love ot have a conversation with you about that chapter in particular. I will be doing a post here in a few days, but I want others to have the chance to read the book before I talk about that chapter.

I do also want to say here that at times the depression I have been suffering from the last few months, and that I am on medication for, has been overwhelming and it seems that there is noo one to talk to about it--someone that gets it, wants to hear about it, somebody that has been there. Myabe counseling is the answer, or a support group. It is a very real, dark and empty space that I and others like me are in and I know for myself I wish there were a way out. I have dealt with some very serious issues in my life but ths one has been one the hadest ones I have had as it is just so emotional.

Tammy Faye Baker Messner has died

For me the news today of the death of Tammy Faye Baker Messner was one of shock and huge sadness. I had the incredible privilege of meeting this wonderful, beautiful, funny, christian woman at the height of their PTL fame and before the scandal brought about because of Jerry Falwell and his group of followers and staff. It was in a christian college that my church had us as seniors visit when I was in High school and Jim and Tammy Faye were there as well as Andre Crouch, Sandi Patti, Oral Roberts, Billy Graham, Robbie Heiner.

Even before leaving the "Southern Conservative Baptist" upbringing I had I adored Tammy Faye, I think it was all the hair, the clothes and all that make-up. She even then seemed so real to me. Then her being the very first "fundamentalist christian" to support and love people dying with AIDS when they were on PTL.

I vividly remember when I met her she took my hand in hers and with tears in her eyes said to me "Young man I see G-d working and doing great things in your life, there may be trials along the way but my dear boy remember G-d is carrying you in his arms when it is the darkest". With her hands still in mine she sang to me "His Eye is On the Sparrow", hugged me, kissed me and said it was a real privilege meeting me--and this was way before I even "came out" to myself, my family, before I lost 2 partners, before and AIDS Diagnosis before G-d was even really working in my life.

Then scandal and we the gay community loved her, some of us sent her money and concert dates to support her and really honestly loved her when NO ONE else did.

She in turn, went and raised millions of dollars for AIDS and AIDS survivors in Gay bars, at Circuit White Parties, drag shows and at Gay Parades. She talked openly about us and openly loved us even on Larry King. She is and always be one of the communities biggest friends and supporters and I shall miss her terribly--it would have been nice to have met her again and to let her now what a tremendous impact she had on my life but I guess now I will have to wait till I see her at the gates of heaven welcoming me in, before I can really return that hug to her and say "Thank you Tammy Faye, I loved you all along".



This first "Youtube" post is a gay man who so eloquently puts some of my thoughts to words--the ending had me in tears.



This next one is a photo collection of Tammy Faye and yes---kids its her singing--again I was a bundle of raw emotion and so many memories of my few mintues with her came flooding back--I want this version of this song , sung by her played at my funeral someday as well when my time comes. Until then Tammy Faye G-d has welcomed you home as well as thousands of gay men whose lives you made the difference.

charlie

Some of my latest doll work for customers

I wanted to share some photos of some of the latest doll work I have been doing for customers.

This first one is an original china head that came in with just the head and nothing else. So i made the leather body for this lovely gal as well as found replacement reproduction arms and legs ad then made this to die for Satin dress with Antique lace all over it. All the clothing was removeable and included the dress, the slip and underwear as well. The dress bodice was also partially lined and closed with snaps.

This second one is an old compostion doll that I repaired the arms, legs and cracked/broken head on, cleaned the origianl cloth body, restuffed the hole thing as the stuffing was molded and VERY funky to say the least and trhen I also made the clothes. The lace trim is antique as well as the cotton dress which I hand dyed as well. I included the bonnet, the dress, slip panties , diaper and crocheted bootie. Also a new felt tongue as her old one was missing.

Other than that I have been very busy doing doll work, painting, house work, gardening and the such. I have my first art piece to hang in a gallery show in October which I am very excited about. I have my first public show at an Apple Festival in September and am gearing up to do a doll for Dream Halloween again as well as a Christmas event for Akrons Children Hospital which I am very excited about as well. SO hope you like the newest dolly work and as soon as I get more photos developed will post them here for all of you.

16 years as of yesterday and other stuff

Well I want to start off with the other stuff. Saturday my brother took me to the coolest event I have been to in a long while "The Renaissance Festival" in Girad, Ohio from where I live two hours away but so worth the drive. This is an outdoor event on what I would guess to be ten acres of property with a huge group of people in costumes/period clothing pieces, artisans/crafters, entertainment, food and wine/beer. The costumes by themselves was well worth the drive and I was in designer heaven. The artisans were glass blowers, jewelry makers, painters/artists, tailors who made costumes, and even soap makers.

While there besides buying food and beverages I bought a poets shirt which I will have to take pictures of and an inexpensive kilt (versus the more formal dress kilt) and actually wore both that day and the entire day. The clerk was this very cute girl while the gentleman that did all the sewing was actually with another customer. She asked if I "was wearing my purchase that day" and I said of course and asked if I "was going to be a true Scotsmen/Irish men that day" and I guessed I blushed and said "I had planned on it". She then looked at me and said "Well if your asked what is beneath your kilt just look them in their eye and say your wife's/mothers, sisters lipstick" which made me blush even more.



Yesterday July 16,2007 at 9:45 a.m. I celebrated 16 years living with AIDS. Some of you may find it odd that all these years later I still remember the time but for me it is a day, place and time that I will never forget because it changed my life so very much. The thing here my friends is that it could be longer and in actually probably closer to 20 years as that is when I lost my first boyfriend to AIDS. In that course of time I have lost close to 700 friends, acquaintances and two lovers. For someone who will only be 41 this November it is in my opinion a modern day holocaust.

When I first found out about my HIV status I went right to a support group not only how to tell people but also how to live with and deal with this tragic blow. The thing is when I was diagnosed there were only 3-4 drugs no more, people were only living 4-5 years no more except rare exceptions and there for a while I was going to calling hours/funerals every week and sometimes more than one week.

So much has changed medically speaking for AIDS and yes even some of the attitudes have changed but so much more needs to be changed as well. I am just so grateful that I am still here. Out of that support group of 20 of us there are only 5 of us still alive (and that is counting me). I think for me the big thing now is to live till the 17th year as the last 4 friends who have died of AIDS/AIDS complications have all died in their 16th year. I came very close my self 2 years ago when I had pneumonia and lost in a year 95 pounds--I was that walking "AIDS survivor" the sunken face, the bugged eyes and the look of death--but I pulled thru and am still here.

Jim was so sweet I got flowers and we went out to dinner last night--to celebrate and to reminisce to a degree. It was so very nice. Well unto next time my firends--enjoy what G-d has given you, enjoy the day we all are granted and cherish those that are near to your heart.

Charlie

Well things here are busy, which seems to be the norm here lately. Between yard work, housework, gardening and even some doll/business work our plate has been full. I may have mentioned Jim went to day turn from afternoons now almost over a week ago and from what is called a 6 day pay versus an 8 day pay (this is out of 14 total)and he just loves it. He starts at 7:00 a.m and ends at 3:00 p.m. which leaves the rest of the day to call his own, it has given us so much more time together.

It has made it a little harder to deal with the business to a small degree because all of the calls and customers are coming while he is at work, which don't get me wrong it isn't like a steady stream of people now that we are out of the house--but still it can get goofy.

The strawberries we transplanted a while back are finally done producing and in all we ended up with 23 quarts for FREE and that as Martha Stewart says "Is a good thing". The pepper plants we have growing have tons of buds and so far out of the regular yellow,green and banana peppers we have the only one actually growing a pepper is the banana one. We have a few small tomatoes growing on the one plant we have, a ton of buds on the cucumber plants we have growing but no baby cucumbers as of yet and the English lavender is doing beautifully.

With the Lavender anybody know how to either make oil out of it or soap? Somebody said you could even cook or make tea with it? Is this right? If you know or have recipes I would love to have you leave them here in the comment space. Maybe somebody else is growing lavender .

Then the flowers oh my gosh where do I begin the Lilies are just beautiful this year--Yellow, Orange and those beautiful white ones with the red bumps on them. Then the hydrangea bush has gone berserk and is beyond words. The glads are doing well all 100 of them no signs of flowers yet but can't wait if they are as nice as last year it will be a treat. It has been nice bringing some of them into the house and having that fragrance just fill a room.

Jim did have that doctors appointment for the "enlarged aorta problem" and the doctor looked at Jim and said" I don't know what the hell the emergency room was thinking a few days back and what they hell they sent you here for it isn't anything but hardening of the arteries, if you lost a little weight and watched what you ate you would be perfect"! Go figure go scare the bejesus out of us and then its nothing--well at least it wasn't serious.

I can not believe it I finally have the one Oz piece I have wanted for since forever a very old (may not be the first edition) Frank L. Baums "The Wizard of Oz" and for the low E-bay price of $31.00. I just read this book 2 years ago and borrowed a reproduction from the library but now I own it. I may have to break down and buy the others as well as I have read like 4-5 of Mr. Baums work and just love it. Speaking of reading anybody else besides thyself about the last Harry Potter? I know I am and have my copy reserved now if our Borders could get there act together about the flipping tickets . Well I guess I'll close for now--- Charlie

As I mentioned in an earlier, I had the incredible opportunity to meet and see the incredible Jim Bailey many many years ago--it was for me the closest I will ever get to Judy-- and if you ever get the chance to see him--DO!!

"Love for oneself seems to be a paradoxical statement. If love is a bridge that unites, then how does love for oneself manifest? In truth, however, the profoundest love one has is for oneself. It is the glue that integrates a human being spiritually and psychologically. It is not love, as a feeling or a craving; rather it is of a different order; it is a state of being. The difference between a feeling and a state of being lies in their nature and how they are experienced. Feelings are fleeting and temporary. To be sustained, they need to be rekindled and continuously remembered. And they are evocative, depending on an outer stimulus. A state of being is constant and contextual. It is, whether remembered or not, and is the source of all feelings and actions. It is a place to come from. It is that which is being expressed, and it is at one with the expresser."



HAPPY JULY 4TH

How do I shine

I wanted to share this morning some thoughts from a Yahoo group I belong to that discusses and teaches the mysteries of Kabbalah. The name of the group for those interested is Kabbalah Concepts and is lead by Rabbi Benyomin Walters. I have been trying to attempt to study Kabbalah now for the last year and trying to fill some of those "heartfelt empty places" and am hoping and prying Kabbalah is the answer or key to this.



On a lighter note, I did go to the gallery interview yesterday with my paintings it went alright, not quiet what I expected but not horrible either. She said that my paintings were very well done, beautifully drawn, well executed and if I had mentioned I had only been painting teo years she woould have never known. However, there was really one painting out of all of them that she would be interested in having in the October show. It is a $35 fee to enter the show and if the piece sells its a 60%-40% split. 60% for me and 40% for them. She also mentioned she would love to see me work a specific theme, idea, or emotion a few times say 4-5 paintings as the arena or style I am painting now is VERY broad based and she feels as if I am trying to find my voice, which is exactly right. Not exactly sure yet what I am going to do in regards to the October show and she did mention she would be interested in seeing new paintings as they are done.

Okay. I want to uncover the essence and make it shine. Now what? Well your question is the answer. There are two steps to shining: Finding the essence, and making it shine. It’s that easy.

Let’s see how this works with a simple example. What would you rather wear, a sack or a custom-made suit? Sure you could wear a sack, but who would want to? In a sack, you are trapped, you can’t move freely. A good suit is the opposite: it conforms to your body’s shape. It moves with you, so you are free to move as you wish. Your body is free to shine in your suit.
Recognizing that you would prefer a custom-made suit to a sack means you recognized what your body is really like, and then made sure that the clothes around you fit that shape. In other words, you looked inside to find your essence, and then figured out how to bring it out in your clothes.

That was simple enough, but this is only the beginning. A custom-made suit only allows your movement to shine freely, but what about your personality and taste? What about your emotions and intellect? What about your goals and dreams? These things are all "clothes" that you "wear" throughout your life. Just like clothes, you've chosen these as your way of expressing yourself in the world.

But these "clothes" might not always be the right fit for you, and that's where people run into trouble. Sometimes we think and act in ways that don't really represent our true selves, our essence.

Hasidic philosophy shows you how to find the essence in every aspect of life, and how to make sure that everything around you fits. The better the fit, the more you will shine.
Throughout your journey on this site, watch for these two steps:

1. Finding the essence and

2. Making everything fit the essence

The first step leaves the limitations of the world behind as we peel away all the layers that cover the essence. Once this essence is exposed, we then return to the world, but this time making sure that everything fits. And once everything is in line with the essence, it can shine through everything.

By Rabbi Benyomin Walters

Summer: Not Just Another Season

A Teaching from Gershon...

When you leave, say hello. Sort of like summer. Summer is a season when all that surrounds you says "Hello," even though it is all in the process of leaving. Summer's drama of foliage, its pompous exhibition of fruition, color, aroma; the hustle and bustle of creatures from colorful birds to annoying insects — all represent the pinnacle of aliveness, the optimal blossoming of potential and possibility. It gives you the sense that you've arrived; you're here. Hee'nay'nee! "I am here!" In fullness, in realization. Summer is climactic in that sense. Most weddings happen during this season; lovers feel it's the "right time," or more appropriately: the "ripe" time.

Everything says "Hello" now, in summer. As it leaves. Exactly. For the very act of ripening, my friends, is simultaneously also the very act of leaving, of dissipating, of dying. Summer teaches us that the ultimate sense of aliveness is the genesis of death. The Torah never brings us farther than "almost" getting to the Holy Land. Even Creation happens with a huge burst of "almost" — as the fledgling universe churns and turns in a sea of primeval chaos, emptiness, and darkness. The evolution of the earth and all of its creatures then reaches a climactic ripening that ends life in Paradise. The evolution then starts anew and eventually reaches yet another crescendo, this time the end of life on earth with the Great Flood. Over and over again: creation and destruction, creation and destruction. The polar seasons of summer and winter is about this dynamic: genesis and nemesis, respectively. The dynamic of forces that bring about creation and forces that bring about destruction; both opposites, yet each essential for the other.

In the ancient Kabbalah (as opposed to the more popularly-taught kabbalah of our day), Creation is described as having been forged along a spiraling "breath" emanating from the Mystery of all Mysteries, the unknowable Source of all Sources, the undefinable Root of all Roots. The spiraling emanations of existence from Nothing to Something — known as Sefiro't — are poetically dramatized as follows:

"Unfathomable Depth of First Gift and
Unfathomable Depth of Afterwards;
Unfathomable Depth of Good and
Unfathomable Depth of Evil;
Unfathomable Depth of Above and
Unfathomable Depth of Beneath;
Unfathomable Depth of Place of Shining [East]
and Unfathomable Depth of Place of Blending [West];
Unfathomable Depth of Place of Concealment [North] and
Unfathomable Depth of Place of Rising"
(Sefer Yetzirah, Chapter One, Mishnah 5).

Unfathomable. Who can indeed fathom the mystery of what is above and what is below and what comes at us from the four winds, or directions. Every moment is its very own unique cauldron of genesis for us. Every moment. And all poles of opposites share the same existential arena although they in themselves do not appear similar. But it is all in appearances. The ripening fruit does not in its glorious moment of colorful and juicy fruition appear to be anywhere near the arena of death. First Gift and Aftermath are dance partners even though the nature of their appearances and their dynamics are as different as light and darkness. Yet, light and darkness, as different as they are, also make up one complete day. And without light, we would not know darkness, nor would we know darkness without light. Without good we would not know evil, and without evil we would not know good. Without sorrow we would not know joy; without joy we would not know sorrow. Everything is crucial to its opposite; everything and its opposite are one. Not the same, just one.

Winter is the time of death; genesis moves to nemesis across the process of decomposition we like to call "Autumn," or in ancient Hebrew "Ho'tza'at Ha'sha'nah" — literally: "Exiting the transformation [or the year]." Summer, on the other hand, is
Winter's opposite, meaning also it is Winter's dance partner. Summer is here. Are we? The 12th-century Rabbi Avraham ibn Daud reminds us that with the changes in the arrangement of the stars come changes in the nature of our planet, Earth. And with changes in the nature of our planet come changes in the seasons of Nature and with the changes in the seasons of Nature come changes and shifts in the souls of all beings, stones, plants, animals, and — yes, us unsuspecting humans.

The ancient rabbis tell us how God created universes and destroyed them, created and destroyed them, until this present one came into being. I always wondered about the meaning of this teaching. The lesson of summer and what is happening inside of us at this time is one clue. One solitary clue of this deep mystery wisdom. It's not so much that many universes were made and then ditched until this one came out more viable. It's more about the inherent nature of this world, of each our personal lives as well. We are constantly journeying across the path of the cherubim with their whirling swords of fire, creating alternating moments of darkness and light, darkness and light, darkness and light; or genesis and nemesis, genesis and nemesis, genesis and nemesis. Summer and Winter, Summer and Winter, Summer and Winter. The moment we are born, we are then also well on our way into dying. This is our existence. It is magical; it is shouting at us, beckoning us to take a moment out of our increasingly busy lives to hear it, see it, smell it, feel it — know it.

The ancient Kabbalists explained it well: God created and destroyed many universes over and over again until this one came
into being. Why? Not because it kept not coming out right. But because God is God and, not being bound by time, is simultaneously aware of future, present, and past. So God saw, knew ahead of time, with the creation of each world, that it would come to no good in the end. People would make some really lousy choices and wreak havoc and destruction, so God destroyed those worlds before they could reach that point in their potential histories.

Until this world was made. God looked into its future, again by default, and discovered hope. We would mess things up as usual, but not all the way. Enough of us would struggle hard to preserve and foster the sanctity and magic of this world, of this life. "And God saw that it was Good..." "And Noah found favor in the eyes of God" etc., etc.

Summer is a powerful time. It is a dramatic reminder to us of our incredible potential in this lifetime, on this earth, in this universe, to really make it happen, to really make it work. This time around it's for keeps.

Have an enjoyable, meaningful, ever-deepening summer. May your lives ripen to crescendos that will catapult you across the chasms of uncertainty to a totally-renewed sense of clarity and beauty by the advent of the next Spring season

Just some daily notes

Well yesterday was some cooler than it has been. The last few days it was in the 90s and for here in N.E. Ohio it means high humidity which at times can be unbearable. Its the type of weather you swear your clothes are sticking to you.

Jim went and had another cat scan for that enlarged aerotia section and he sees a doctor next week to see if or when surgery will happen. Speaking of Jim he starts on the day shift next month as well instead of afternoons and what is called a 6 day pay period versus his 8 day pay period. It will be an adjustment I am sure, but hopefully everything will go well.

Me, I went and saw my general practitioner on Monday for a 6-8 week check-up and walked out with an additional medication for depression. Its called Depakote ER and its in addition to the Wellbutrin XL I am on. It is just the overwhelming feeling of I don't care anymore, that has been so hard to shake. And this overwhelming feeling of I have no control over anything, this overwhelming feeling of not being needed and if I am for all the wrong reasons, if that makes any sense at all. I haven't been able to shake it and may have to consider counseling/psychiatry help at some point to help deal with all of it.

I think part of it maybe I just feel so shut out of everything the last few months, and I feel to a large degree life is passing me by and at this stage in my life I really can not afford to have that happen. 16 years living with AIDS and I know I could realistically have many more, but do I take that gamble. What is it I really want, what is it I really need and then how do I get it?

My brother and I have finally begun speaking again after our disagreement we had a little over a month ago, and even though it is strained at times I do enjoy that connection with him I had. I don't want to get into what the disagreement was but it was one of those things at the time was major. I guess I just need to let him know I am here for him when he needs me and if he needs to talk I will honestly listen with my heart and try to give my insight from where I have been, and if I can spare him some of the pain, grief, growing pains then I have done my part.



I just heard this song a few weeks back when it was on the Tony's and I tend to think it sums up a lot oof what I am thinking I need to be able to say for my self, about myself and to myself.

Judy, Pride and a nap

Well I guess I didn't use all of the cool "Youtube" videos there were out there in regards to gay pride but I did want to kind of keep that frame of thinking going since the anniversary of Stonewall is actually this week. The video below addresses some of the real issues we deal with within the gay lesbian transgendered community--some of us very personally and some of us may even now someone who has dealt with these issues----are we really that different?

For me Gay Pride and Stonewall has always played a big part of my life, ever since coming out. For me it is the key to most of the freedoms I enjoy today, for me it is part of the key that helped advance AIDS research, funding and acceptance of us as a whole. Ellen, Rosie, Martina, "Will and Grace", Representative Barney Frank and the thousands of others that are in the positions they are in because of the brave and vocal folks involved with Gay Pride, ACT UP and Queer Nation. Not counting NOW, The ACLU and even the NAACP which have helped advance our thinking into what it is today.



Today was one of those days I guess where the fatigue really got to me and I ended up napping for 3 hours in the middle of the afternoon. There are some days like that now versus what it was like last year this time. There was the mononucleosis first, the fight with pneumonia the end of 2005, the resurface and battle with Hepatitis C again and then there was the weight loss last year, that made everything so much more problematic.

This year has had it moments, don't get me wrong--the skin rashes, the walking pneumonia, the neuropathy/RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) and the fatigue have been the biggest hurdles but at least so far the medications are working and the weight --as much as I want anyway has come back--now its trying not to overdo it. I have to try to keep my boyish figure.

The weather here yesterday was scorching--or at least for this area this early-- a whopping 90 degrees but its the Ohio humidity that puts the whole thing over the top. Today was a little cooler and thankfully some rain, which for this part of Ohio we needed desperately. I did manage to get some work customers done today, not what I would have liked to have gotten done, but when the fatigue calls you grab your teddy and nap for as long as you need to.

The other thing I want to touch on is the anniversary of the death of one of the greatest stars and singers that has ever lived in my opinion--the timeless JUDY GARLAND. Gay Icon, tragic figure for some, died too soon, worked into drug and alcohol dependency but still an incomprehensible talent. June 22, 1969, some of have gone as far as saying that it was the death of Judy that prompted the riots in Stonewall, I don't know if I would go that far--but I do think the times what they were with Racial Segregation, The Civil Rights March, the hippie movement, the war in Vietnam--that as a whole it was a time of great turmoil and great sadness in some regards.

I was a mere 3 years old when Judy died, the age she was when her foot first hit the vaudeville stage but believe it or not she stilled played a huge role in my life like so many gay men my age and older. Like so many "The Wizard of Oz" remains my all time favorite movie of all time and even all these years later--66 to be exact since the release in theaters.

Happy Pride day Ya'all

I wanted to take the time and wish and wish all of you a very Happy Gay Pride Weekend, especially those of you in the Clevelan area. The march was today as was the festival.

Jim and I decided to go today, the first time we have been able to go as a couple and Jim's very first Gay Pride parade. We ran into some old friends of mine there, which is always nice especially when those friends are long term survivors of AIDS and they are still alive. The one with 22 years of living with AIDS this summer, gives me and I am sure others living with this disease great hope.

Well we arrived in Cleveland, decided to march in the parade and actually ending walking with the United Church of Christ contingency, 5 churches overall and probably around 300 people in all. Well we were asked --to lead the whole contingency with the "G-d is still speaking" slogan they use. Like I said Jim's first parade ever and he is carrying a banner--he made me so proud. So many groups and so diverse--gay roller derby girls on roller skates none the less, a gay scooter club, a gay high school student support group near where I grew up, of course your leatherman and drag queens, a gay square dancing club, a gay marching band--you get the idea.

The weather for Cleveland today was absoultely goreous, nice and sunny a little warm around the collar but at least it wasn't raining. So we got a little to much sun, so every bone in my legs hurt I had such a nice time and hopefully in the process made some kind of difference. Tommorrow at church actually we are going to approach the pastor about our church marching in next years parade, considering we have 5 openly gay couples in ouor church including our pastor and his husband/partner.

I also got a business card from the pastor that asked us to lead the cintigency for UCC to think about becoming involved with UCC at a national level, which I am gving serious thought too.

Another day

Well its a new day, another opportunity to face what ever comes your way head on. I want to take the time and say here that if I sounded really down yesterday it is because I was, "it" had really gotten to me and more than likely Jim is right I should not even give it a fraction of my attention. At times though as many of you know that is harder said than done.

It just seems for me that my overall thinking" has not been what it usually his since that Memorial Service and I do not doubt if it is because I am thinking of my own mortality and what I have and have not accomplished in the almost 41 years G-d has given me. Has it made a difference, has it mattered. I feel also it is not so much where I have been but where am I going, and what am I going to do with what ever G-d gives me that is left. More than likely that maybe the big key to this whole thing. That higher purose, the divine plan, the meaning behind it all.

I know that for many of us our desires change, our focus change, our own "divine plan" changes as well but it seems like the whole thing only comes around when you are questioning everything else. More than likely Jim is also right that "I wear my emotions on my sleeve" and that "I take things to seriously" but at times it is really hard to keep things at arms length.

It isn't easy to pick your self up, dust yourself off and move on, for some it is even impossible but thank G-d I have the ability to not remain trapped in a circle of pain.

So in the spirit of the entire month and for us in NE Ohio this week primarliy I wanted to share another clip in the frame of Pride month, a little edgy, but it also sums up all of my emotions the last couple of days and says what we all need to hear "You Are Beautiful"