I can't believe this is post 501, where does the time go?  Somehow you all have been reading along, changes and all from those early days of doom and gloom that the posts where to the postings about Wizard of Oz and collecting to now fashion.  You my readers have been faithful and somehow readership just keeps soaring.  Maybe I have hit on something, maybe I am so frank, so honest, so open people are intrigued by what I will say next. Maybe it is because I talk about fashion or things that intrest me.  Maybe its becasue as Sally Field said "You like me, you really like me."  I would love to know what it is that makes you come back reading.

This weekend believe it or not was spent doing nothing more than homework.  The whole damn freaking weekend, but in all reality I know it will pay off in the end. Maybe I will make the Dean's List again this semester, maybe somebody will notice how hard I am working and how very desperately I want this more than life itself.

Maybe it will pay off in my intership when the time comes, or pay off when I go to study abroad or when I leave for the work force because people will see how dedicated I am and how badly I want it.  Facebook asks the question in some online quizzes about the people you know if they would sell everything to get successful.  The answer for me is a very simple YES! No doubt in my mind, no regret, no questions.  You get tired of being nobody.  You get tired of feeling like yo haven't made a difference.  You get tired of feeling lonely.  You get tired of not being what you want and need to be for yourself.  If so many people can do it why can't I?

I think for me the answer is I need to get more focused on how I spend alot of my time.  So many hours a day for homework, so many hours a day to write which I love and so many an hours a day to sew which for me is breathing.  To create IS LIFE, without it there is literally nothing!  Brutal isn't it?  It though is the truth and I am beginning to understand it.

I am going to go out on a limb and say at the moment I feel very desperately alone.  In the near month back in school my family has not called once to see how I am. To see how things are going in school.  To see if I am alright.  It grows tiring.  I feel like I have to "pull teeth" almost to get any response and I am tired of it beyond words.  I want people involved in my life because they want to be.  I want people to know what I am doing because they want to know.  I need somehow to know I am needed in someway and that i make the difference.  Sounds desperate doesn't it?  I guess it is, but it is the raw truth.

I have this huge project with the "Women of History Fashion Show" that I HAVE to start tomorrow or I will never get it done. I need to finish homework that is due Wednesday and frankly I need to get back to myself into the habit of meditating daily and doing yoga daily somehow.  Like I have said before and I will say it again I feel like so much of time is wasted.  How all do you feel about the time you have?  I would love knowing I am not alone.

Well until next time kids I am so glad we had this time together and I hope you have been enjoying the new mood boards I have been posting.

Easter

Well the dress for the Hunger event is coming along nicely as I spent the entire morning working on it and nothing else.  The only break was to put everything in the oven for Easter dinner.  The whole even was exactly what I didn't want. No comments about the table or flowers, no comments on my outfit for the fashion show, no questions about school---no nothing I should have seen it coming.  Actually I did predict this yesterday, the thing is I don't know why I try so hard.  Why do I keep beating myself up when it is NEVER going to change.  It really hurts.  The photograph to the side is the picture I promised yesterday of the carnival glass, the flowers I did myself and I thought a beautiful touch.

School starts back tomorrow and while I am looking forward to it, I am not looking forward to all the upcoming homework including this paper I have due on gender.  Oy vey!  I think the topic I want to write about is the effects/affects of pornography on both genders, straight and gay if possible.  In the mean time somehow finish this dress by Thursday and still somehow squeeze in doll work too so I can raise the funds for May for summer classes.  No rest for the wicked I guess.  Well to lighten the mood a silly "Youtube" post and until  the next time, I am so glad we had this time together

The Night before Easter

The night before Easter and the big family meal and I am not ready for it.  Jim has done all the cooking already and all I have to do is reheat everything tomorrow and set the perfect table.  A white table cloth, antique cloth white napkins, the good silver and an all Marigold Carnival glass setting for everyone.  I will have to take pictures of it and post here so all of you can see that Martha Stewart and I are truly soulmates , it has always been about presentation for me.  The table when set like this is just gorgeous and I adore my carnival glass collection.

Jim started his own blog today and I want to encourage all of my readers to visit his site and encourage him in this brand new endeavour.  The web address is http://the68thyear.blogspot.com/ hopefully all of you will get to know him as well.  This is a real step for Jim to open up like this as normally he is so very quite.

The last few weeks I have been in a real weird mood and I think its a mix of things.  First wanting Spring semester to start, worried how the hell I am going to get the $1,500 for that semester KSU needs that my Pell doesn't cover, some worry about an upcoming blood tests for a doctors appointment at the end of the month, a paper I have to write for Writing 1 and of course the fashion show next weekend.

That show has me really worried, the outfit isn't done as of yet and still in pieces to some degree and I have to turn it in by Thursday to meet the deadline.  Most of this outfit this time around has been done by hand versus by machine and I guess its because I am so worried about it turning out right--- again my "Martha" persona---it has to be sheer perfection!  If I weren't like this it would be easier.  In the meantime I have to "jerry-rig" the ironing boardto use it as it broke this week, I would say what next but that only brings bad luck.

To some degree I guess I am dreading tomorrow as well as there has been no real support from my family to my going back to school, not even a lot of emotional support or interest.  It frankly has been a bunch of nothing.  Not even questions about how I am doing.  I know they don't understand why I am doing it and that is fine but to be honest this utter lack of interest just hurts like hell.  I need to get to the point where it doesn't hurt as much, but since this has been only going on since August of  last year I think I have a long road ahead of me.

I am doing what I am doing for me and no one else, claiming my future, claiming who I am and who I NEED to be!  It is who I am and if no one understands it that is ok, because I get it.  I am working so hard to do well and as of right now its all A's in every class and if I can keep it up the Dean's List at the end of the semester.  Anyway I do know the sky literally is the limit for me and I am belive it.

The other part is just the whole Easter idea versus Passover idea--the family as a whole celebrates Easter and while in the past they have let me observe Passover in my home with them they have done it reluctantly and not understanding why I converted in the first place.  Being Jewish is where I feel at home, I feel at peace and more than likely I will blog about that tomorrow.

In the meantime I am so glad we had this time together.