This site is about things I find interesting or feel you should know about--Fashion, men, news, politics, gay awareness issues and above all it's definitely GAY!
I am a Kent State University English Major,striving to be a writer, and I am a 40-something Gay man so this should be a really fun visit... grab your favorite cocktail and enjoy reading.
This powerful piece I wrote for an African American Women's Literature Class and in some ways was my respone to reading "For Colored GirlsWho Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf" by Ntozake Shange. I hope I captured the spirit of her work, as that was my goal and while I am not Afircan American or a woman I felt this topic needed addressed in a powerful poetry piece. With all of that said I hope you enjoy.
"Sistah 2 Sistah"
crazy ass bitch ya must
b outcha mothafuckin’ mind
where my god damn shoes at
ya juz his damn wife
wit ur mocha colored thighs
& coffee colored eyes
jus’ his dreadlock girl
cain’t do dis 2 often sistah
cuz he didn’t use a condom
may b a kiss 4 u his baby mama
i don’t need anotha mouf 2 feed
here in da projects
4 real it’s jus’ sex, yo’ nuttin’ mo’
she thinks or do she know
he jus’ wanna fuck ya
fo’ da 80 dollars he has on him
but dat nigga georgio don’t stop talkin’
how he seen ur man on christopher street
pickin’ up mens who never set dey foot in no ghetto befo’
he don’t need no damn atm
when dere michaels, trevors and stephens
dat luv a gangsta thug cravin’ der male pussy
a white melon backside
he done done it million times ‘fore girl i knows
fo’ real girl my word is bond
let him speak dat voice 2 me
swearin’ he ain’t no faggot
i sees em all up wid da gump on the prowl
dey dat bitch and he’s dey homothug
i done heard they go raw dog
but dat ain’t no bitch dats a man
so take your low down down-low
lying ass & leave my house & hood
i don’twanna c ur face u lying prick
cuz i’mma fuck ya up homeboy
tryin’ 2 act all black wigger
cuz dis here sistah don’t need
ya sorry ass or ya
hiv
Monday, April 30, 2012
Well, believe it or not I am still sick. I am not sure where to even begin to tell you the truth but in all honesty I guess the easiest place would be this EXTREME depression I am in. It's like nothing I have ever had before, I don't see an end to the light of the tunnel and last night--well I cried myself to sleep last night. Not a good sign but I am not sure how to snap out of it.
This thing with my health again is really making me wonder if I am making the right decision about spending all of this time and energy going back to school. Don't get me wrong I love school more than anything else in my life right now and I am doing, in my opinion, extremely well. I have just about a year left before I graduate and I have started making plans about grad school but what makes it so hard is trying to "know" when I am finished with my education, will I be able to do anything with it?
Will all of this hard work, good grades and dedication pay off, where I could possibly at some point get off SSI/SSD, Medicaid, Medicare and get a full-time paying job in career that I know I would love? Is any of that even possible? Or is my health, no matter what new medications are out, coming out or being planned going to keep me trapped another twenty-one years in a system that I hate and leaves you in poverty.
I simply can't do it... twenty-one more years of this kind of circumstance. I went into school wanting to change my life and I knew school was realistically the ONLY way I could. It was the only way I could honestly gain the type of job to have any kind of real life. With it so close to the midway point, I am sorry to say I am losing faith, hope and perseverance. It is very hard trying to put to words what I have been struggling with for months, outside of other issues I keep refusing to talk about here in this format; and then I wonder why I feel like I am not resolving anything?
The last few months I have to deal with bullies, liars, cheats and it always amazes me the type of people that do this are the type you never really expect it from; sometimes it is and it comes as no surprise. But then there are the people who surprise you the most, people you feel like you don't even know all that well who are your biggest supports, your biggest fans and the people who back you the most.
This blog has seen so many changes in the time I have been running it... from talking about my personal life in the beginning, to collecting Wizard of Oz/ Judy Garland collectibles, to fashion, to news items concerning the LGBT community. Who knows, where the next couple of months will take us, or what I will or will not talk about but to my dedicated readers... I want to thank you for staying loyal, to reading and for every now and then responding to something that is written here.
This is not going to be an easy post, I know I have been lacking again when it comes to posting here and a lot of it has to do with how incredibly hard, challenging and trying this semester has been on me. In all honesty, it has been one of the worst in many ways and in other ways one of the best. I don't feel exactly comfortable discussing everything that has happened this semester, because I have the gut feeling it would come back to haunt me, but it has challenged nearly everything I know. The way I work, how I work and exactly how I perceive things on a very personal level.
While painful it has been rewarding as well and the highs have been incredibly high. Being able to present my Gage paper from last semester at the Honor's Conference being one of them even though I was sicker than a dog. Being able to speak and teach about Maya Angelou for the entire class length for African American Women's Literature was another, thank you Dr. Brenda Smith for that incredible opportunity.
Getting to meet actual Holocaust Survivors for my upcoming Honors Thesis left me feeling humbled, honored and very privileged. The semester is ending though on a a very trying note. I am back in the hospital with what they believe maybe pneumonia. The same exact symptoms as last year this time that had me out sick for a month. Needless to say I feel like I am at ROCK bottom. I can't go through what I did last year. I never felt so alone in my life, and in many ways I still am "emotionally recovering" from that experience. Again it is something that is still so painful I do not really wish to go into depth about it here. I feel like I write this tonight from the hospital bed because once again I am terrified, I am physically and emotionally hurting and I feel in many ways this is the only outlet I have in order to do try to put to voice what I am feeling.
I know I am being very vague, but right now I have a lot of trust issues, and I know they are my issues but until I can resolve them I can not nor will not talk in an open format about any of them. I have let my guard down recently, trusted where I should not have and when I needed "my back" I didn't have it.
I guess I mention all of this because I have feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am not alone, that I am not the only one going through a very painful time, that sometimes the pain is overwhelming and overpowering and if I have to be honest it frightens me. How do I find the strength to cope, to keep pressing forward, to keep my head above water and frankly do as well as I am here lately.
I had an acquaintance recently tell me I seem sad all the time and that really bothers me, I don't necessarily see it as sadness necessarily but more of a state of constant reflection on the state of things and why some things are the way are. Have I encouraged it to happen? Have I fostered this to happen? Did I lose my voice? Do nice guys always finish? Should I throw caution to the wind and speak "my truth"? Say what I see happening around me? Is it too much stress? How do I ....?
They say that for everything that happens in your life it is but a stepping stone to make you the person you are meant to be, if this is the case then what am I meant to be?
Reading Rainbow offers a wide selection of gay murder mysteries, one set in Hawaii, one a near triple-murder set in Antarctica, and the other a collection of the early cases of a gay P.I. We entertain the young adult market with Madeleine George’s new novel, and offer something for the ladies with Cleis Press’ new adult butch/femme erotica. There’s something for everyone in this month’s Reading Rainbow!
"Zero Break" (Neil S. Plakcy)
In two-time Lambda Award finalist Plakcy’s sixth novel in his acclaimed Mahu series, gay detective Kimo Kanapa’aka and his detective partner Ray Donne investigate the murder of a young lesbian mother in an apparent home invasion. They follow up on all the "mokes and titas", aka the usual suspects, and uncover a tangled web leading to the real motive -- one that involves a secret marriage between the woman’s ex-partner and the husband of their twin daughters, an ex-con boyfriend, and an accounting coverup.
Plakcy writes candidly and without fuss about his character’s sexual orientation, noting in the first page, "Yeah, I’m a friend of Dorothy, and proud of it, though it hasn’t always been easy being the only openly gay detective in the Honolulu Police Department." And of the murder victim’s Asian ex-partner, Kimo wonders, "Among gay men, a haole who likes Asian men is called a rice queen. I wondered if her family history and the jewelry she possessed made Zoë Greenfield the female equivalent of that term."
He and his fireman partner Mike have a good life together, but worry throughout the novel whether or not it’s the right time for them to start a family. Plakcy also shows off his knowledge of both Hawaiian culture and cop lingo. His character talks about growing up schooled in the Hawaiian ways, where he learned to repair an outrigger canoe, speak some Hawaiian, play the ipu gourd, and "weave a decent lauhala mat to use when my dad dug an imu in the backyard to roast a pig." There’s lots of surfing, following leads, double-crosses, and boat chases before the case is finally cracked. "Zero Break" is a well-written, thrilling read, refreshing for its LGBT characters and tropical backdrop. Think of it as "Hawaii 5-0" goes gay, a perfect read for while sunning yourself in The Pines. (MLR Press)
"Crimes on Latimer" (Joseph R.G. DeMarco)
Joseph R.G. DeMarco takes a look into the formative years of his gay detective character, Marco Fontana, in this teasing collection of short murder mysteries. In the first, "The Kronos Elect," Young Marco is a scholarship student at St. T’s Catholic School when school disciplinarian Patrick Bidding is murdered. Marco’s ally on the staff, closeted Mr. Sullivan, is a suspect for the murder, and this young P.I. rushes to his aid to discover that it was the disciplinarian’s son, Damian, and his pact of ne’er-do-well friends, who did the dastardly deed. In another, Marco helps the employee of a friend, who has been accused of stealing a valuable DaVinci sketch. The sketch’s owner, Mr. Haldane, is the father of Marco’s high school crush, Cullen, and the thief ends up being Haldane’s son-in-law to be.
The story reads like Dashiell Hammett paperback noir, with a gay plot twist. In "The G-String Thief," one of the dancers at Marco’s business, StripGuyz, is being targeted. The dancer, Kyle, suspects his rich family has hired the thug who is harassing him, to force him to give up stripping. He’s partially right. Through the stories, readers learn about Marco’s teen years and ’20s, his growing collection of friends and allies, and his healthy attitude regarding his sexual orientation. This collection of mini-mysteries is compelling, even if at times, the pat way young Marco solves the case seems a little hard to believe. Overall, the collection is solid, and serves to spark interest in the escapades of this gay private dick, all grown up. (Lethe Press)
"The Survival Methods and Mating Rituals of Men and Marine Animals" (Chris Kenry)
In this engaging novel, children’s book author Davis Garner has hit rock bottom: he’s been diagnosed with HIV, been evicted from his almost-bare apartment, and his reputation as a writer has suffered at the fate of his last two, poorly-written books. When a friend helps him get a job as a technical writer on an Antarctic-bound research vessel, Davis at first suffers the insecurity of not knowing anything at all about the job he is supposed to be doing.
He soon realizes that his shipmates are not all they’re cracked up to be, either, from the stern network administrator Maureen, to the electrical tech Worm, to the handsome scientist Artaud. Davis spends his days aimlessly wandering the ship, inventing a weekly list of his accomplishments, and playing game after game after game of solitaire on his computer. He balances the need to make the money for his HIV medication with his loathing for the job and for how it takes him away from writing his new children’s book. But when he is tapped as the marine tech investigating whether the seismic technology is causing marine animals to beach themselves, he finds himself in the middle of a very polarizing issue.
Meanwhile, Maureen has stolen the superior scientific work of Artaud’s ex-wife for him to pass off as his own, Worm has had a surprisingly successful one-time hookup with the object of his affection, Maureen, and the less said about Artaud’s hairy sidekick Jerry, the better. In the end, Davis, Maureen, and Worm team up to bring to light Artaud’s sinister plans to sell the scientific research to oil companies, barely escaping a triple-murder in the process. Kenry’s fourth novel shows his chops as a consummate weaver of stories, able to hook the reader early and reel him in with one whale of a tale. A perfect read for a leisurely week at a seaside resort. (Kensington Books)
Well I had my MRI/CAT scan and to a large degree I am happy to report that everything came back normal. I know that is an odd way of putting it but now it feels like it is another one of those things going on with me they will never figure out what it is. Like I have problems with my balance, pain in my legs, the headaches, feeling like I have been hit by a bus 90% of the time and the only thing they have been able to somewhat pin anything to is Fibromyalgia. Now I am no doctor, by any means, but really it has to be more than that.
So I continue on not knowing more than I did beofe, relieved it is not anything serious but wondering if maybe I am just simpy losing it?
Neighborhood Watch Captain George Michael Zimmerman is claiming he killed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in self-defense. The only problem? Zimmerman shot Martin to death with a 9 mm pistol, while Martin was “armed” only with a bag of Skittles and an iced tea.
The Retreat at Twin Lakes neighborhood watch leader George Zimmerman had called police to report Trayvon Martin as a suspicious person, but by the time the police arrived the young man was already dead.
According to NBC Miami, police said Martin had been returning from a local store with Skittles and an iced tea.
Zimmerman, who is white, has been charged with no crime for killing the unarmed and not-white Martin. Police haven’t even opened an investigation into the killing, seeing no need to.
The Catholic Diocese of Sacramento no longer will fund programs at Francis House, a nonprofit agency that serves homeless people, because of its new director’s views supporting abortion rights and gay marriage.
In a letter last month, the diocese’s director of social services said the Rev. Faith Whitmore’s public statements on the issues clash with the teachings of the Catholic Church. Therefore, said the Rev. Michael Kiernan, the social services director, it is “impossible for the diocese to continue funding Francis House” as part of its annual Catholic Appeal.
Francis House provides has been providing people with access to transportation and housing in the Sacramento area for 42 years. 25,000 people in need receive care at Francis House each year.
“We serve the poor,” he said. “We don’t have a litmus test for homeless people when they come in. We don’t ask them for their position on choice and gay marriage. We just help them. But for whatever reason, the diocese made those issues a higher priority than the mission.”
My advice call Francis House today and make your donation!
Actors in many of the adult films made in the nation’s porn capital must use condoms under a law that took effect Monday, but the prophylactic police aren’t yet on the case.
How they will enforce such a regulation once they do begin enforcement is anyone’s guess.
In Los Angeles, where an estimated 90 percent of the country’s porn films are made, city officials and industry leaders are trying to settle on a way to ensure that there’s more safe sex on the set. Some say health care professionals should be present during a shoot to make sure actors use condoms.
"Today really is a milestone in the advance of health and safety for these adult filmmakers," said Ged Kenslea, spokesman for the AIDS Healthcare Foundation, which lobbied for years for the measure.
When the City Council passed the law in January, it gave police, the city attorney, the porn industry and others six months to recommend the best way to enforce the measure. They have roughly four months left.
Until then, it’s unclear whether police or health officials will start showing up at shoots. On Monday, city attorney spokesman Frank Mateljan said he didn’t know the status of enforcement.
To shoot a movie outside of a studio, the law requires a film permit and condom use. The larger porn companies that make the movies on studio soundstages don’t need permits and therefore are exempt from the condom requirement. The companies, however, would need one if they went to a house in a neighborhood to shoot a scene.
The question is whether smaller companies, in which only a handful of people show up at a house, usually in the city’s San Fernando Valley, quickly make a movie in a day or two and then move on, will pay any attention.
The head of one of the industry’s largest filmmakers said he hadn’t been approached about working out how the ordinance would work and how the city would deal with violators.
"We assumed we would be approached but we have not been," said Steven Hirsch, chief executive and co-founder of the Vivid Entertainment Group. Hirsch said about 90 percent of Vivid’s film shoots are conducted either in its own studio or outside the city.
But he quickly added that his company would immediately begin complying with the law and require that actors use condoms on any film shoots taking place outside a studio in Los Angeles.
Kenslea, the spokesman for the AIDS health care group, said he’s heard that, although as many 50,000 porn films a year are made in Los Angeles, only about 200 permits a month are issued by the city to film them.
"Just because they don’t take out permits does not mean there shouldn’t be regulations," he said.
Industry officials say the law isn’t needed and that their audiences find the use of condoms a turnoff. They said the industry’s own requirement, that actors be tested for sexually transmitted diseases every 30 days, is sufficient. Hirsch and others have pointed out that there hasn’t been a case of HIV linked directly to the making of a porn film since 2004.
Kenslea and other advocates of using condoms say there have been nine reported cases of HIV involving porn actors since 2004. They said those cases highlight the ever-present risk that someone can acquire the virus in their private life and then infect others on set.
When it comes to enforcement, Kenslea said, his organization is pushing for the city to use health care professionals, perhaps from a nursing agency, to conduct spot checks. The cost of the inspections would be paid out of fees the filmmakers would pay when applying for permits. The foundation has proposed a fee of $50 to $75.
Filmmakers who are caught violating the requirement would be refused future permits.
Meanwhile, his group is trying to get a measure on the November ballot that would require that Los Angeles County adopt a similar but tougher measure mandating a health permit similar to the ones for nail and hair salons. Such an ordinance would cover more than 80 other cities that fall within the county.
Some have threatened to leave the city, taking what they say is an $8 billion-a-year business.
Kenslea dismissed that as a "hollow threat."
"The industry is too entrenched here," he said, noting that Vivid, Larry Flynt and other prominent filmmakers are all based in the city and so are the industry’s actors and behind-the-scenes people.
If any do leave, he said, his organization will follow them and push for similar legislation in those new communities. In the case of one city, his organization won’t have to.
The mayor of Simi Valley, located about a 10-minute drive from the west San Fernando Valley, where most of the films are made, has proposed an even tougher ordinance than the one in Los Angeles. It is expected to come up for a vote of the City Council within a few weeks.
That law would require that a licensed health care professional be on any porn set to ensure condoms are being used and that the filmmakers turn over an unedited copy of their movie so authorities can see if condoms were used.
"The primary purpose here is it’s a health and safety issue. And secondarily, we don’t want them here," Mayor Bob Huber said of his city of 125,000 residents. "This is a family-oriented community and we don’t want them setting up their studios in Simi Valley."
I have to admit I am nervous about tomorrow. I have scheduled first thing in the morning an MRI/CAT scan of my head as I have been having horrible migraines for over a month now. Some times it causes dizziness and so far thankfully I have not fallen but I am back to walking at times with a cane because my balance is so screwed up. I think the scans are precautionary because of the three spots that were found last April on the right side of my brain and that they have not advanced into something more is what they are being cautionary about.
It however does not make me feel any better about the whole thing and more than likely will not until I have the test results back and everything is normal. If everything is normal my question than will be what is causing the headaches and how do I get rid of them. Needless to say, other than the four days in Chicago, I have been VERY depressed and I seem disconnected from many things--my own life being one of them. It is like I am watching myself on screen and it is not even me that I am watching I know that sounds odd but that my gentle reader is how it feels.
Creatively it seems like I have not had the time to do anything including my favorite thing--sewing, especially hand sewing. Don;t get me wrong I have two projects I could be working on as we speak but I just don;t have the time and maybe that is why I feel so disconnected. Of course the biggest joy in my life is my four dogs, which always bring a smile to my face, a warm welcome home as I walk in the door and four little souls just happy to "see their daddy".
School has been hectic, the homework a bit above normal levels or so it seems and maybe part of it is I have not been myself for almost two months now. But I keep pressing forward and somehow I manage to stay on top of everything. I also have started my thesis work this semester as well as trying to start the process of where I want to go to graduate school, which could be a whole blog entry into itself. Again it has made this semester different than anyother but again somehow I stay on top of all of it.
I go sometime next week into Cleveland for blood-work as it is that time again for all of that "happiness' and hopefully cd4's, t-cells and everything else are all doing well but as a long term survivor it is always in thje back of my mind. Well until next time...
On Friday night Manhattan resident John Laubach, 57, was found bound, gagged, and apparently strangled to death in his Chelsea apartment. Police are seeking a young man that Laubach may have hired that evening on Rentboy.com.
Police late Monday released a set of surveillance photos of a man allegedly caught trying to using John Laubach's bank card after he died, police said. The photos are from an ATM machine camera. Earlier Monday, police questioned a 24-year-old man but released him after interviewing him. Law-enforcement sources told NBC New York that they were led to the man after using facial recognition software on a still photo taken from a surveillance camera. The search turned up a possible hit -- an old mugshot for the 24-year-old man. John Laubach was found unconscious in his fourth-floor apartment at 212 West 22nd St. in Chelsea just before 8 p.m. Friday, when a friend went to check on him, according to police. His arms were found bound to the bedpost by an electrical cord, his mouth gagged with tape and his face covered with a towel, authorities said.
Friends say Laubach was active in a local gay-affirming church and had been studying to become a pastor. Neighbors report that Laubach lived quietly and occasionally had young male visitors. Below are the ATM surveillance shots released by the NYPD.RELATED: Late last year Craigslist prostitute John Katehis was found guilty for the gruesome 2009 stabbing murder of CBS newsman George Weber. Several other high-profile murders related to internet prostitution have rocked New York City in recent years.
The famous footwear, worn by Judy Garland in 1939's The Wizard of Oz, was just acquired by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences. One of four pairs used in making the film, they are believed to be the the the ones used for close up shots and the most well-maintained, and will eventually land at the yet-to-be-completed Academy Museum.
In a Wednesday announcement, the Academy cites Leonardo DiCaprio as the primary benefactor.
"Leo's passionate leadership has helped us bring home this legendary piece of movie history," said Academy CEO Dawn Hudson. "It's a wonderful gift to the Academy museum project, and a perfect representation of the work we do year-round to preserve and share our film heritage."
Walt Disney CEO and chair of the capital campaign for the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures Bob Iger echoed Hudson's sentiments. "The ruby slippers occupy an extraordinary place in the hearts of movie audiences the world over," he said. "This is a transformative acquisition for our collection."
DiCaprio led the group of donors that enabled the purchase, which was brokered by auction house Profiles in History. Steven Spielberg and LACMA co-char Terry Semel were also among those involved.
These particular slippers, which many think were worn by Garland during close-ups, insert shots and the famous heel-clicks back to Kansas, bounced private collections, including costumer Kent Warner's, after being stored in MGM's Culver City lot for the three decades following Oz's production.
Rhys Thomas, author of The Ruby Slippers of Oz, called them "the holy grail of all Hollywood Memorabilia" in a statement from the auction house. "Of the four pairs of authentic ruby slippers known to exist, this pair offered by Profiles in History, marked '#7 Judy Garland' and known as the 'Witch's Shoes,' are the most important and most valuable," he added.
They are expected to go on display at the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures when it eventually takes residency in Wilshire's May Company building.
I want to take the time and apologize for the lack of posts, nearly all of it is because between my crowded school schedule and not feeling well for the last two to three weeks. First it was the horrible migranes I have not been able to shake for three weeks now. I go next Friday for an MRI/CAT Scan and am hoping for the best. I think the test is a precautionary step considering the "non-cancerous, long term progressive AIDS' spots were spotted last April. It does have me worried to say the least. Will try to keep all of you posted. Hopefully you will stay faitfhful and read, and hopefully you all enjoy what I am trying to do here.
This whole thing along with some other very personal things have me very seriously depressed, but somehow I try to but on a very brave front that I wonder if people are beginning to see through as I have had some moments were my judgement has well been judged. It has been anything serious but I do take it very seriously as I don;t want to come off as an uncaring, brute who doesn;t have a brain in his head and well I know otherwise but I do wonder if I try to hard to be a "moral upstanding person".
The homework load this semester has been brutal and my life the last weeks have been basically that and I do at times try to conserve my energies but again I do wonder if it is getting the best of me. At least I have this to put a voice to my frustrations and let things off my chest and for that I am thankful.
Dorothy's ruby slippers have found a new home.